So my MIL announced that she’s flying in for a two week week visit- need advice

[unsinkable]

14 hours ago, happi duck said:

This struck a nerve.  Cancer doesn't wait.  Having to tell people you have cancer is scary and it sucks.

My sister who died this spring felt funny telling people.  She was already hospitalized before I convinced her she wasn't being a bother.  I called loved ones to tell them. 

Some *dear* friends of hers I didn't know about didn't find out.  They were searching for her but extraordinary circumstances kept them from finding her before she died.

Diagnosis to death in my sister's case was two months.  Cancer doesn't wait.  Please don't talk about melodrama.  Comments like those are why my sister felt she shouldn't tell people.

I'm sorry happi duck.. ((((hugs)))

My family had a horrible year (that started around thanksgiving last year) and culminated with the death of my DH's brother, the second brother he has lost. 

He is so heartbroken and this time of year has made him/us gun-shy, wondering what bad thing will happen next.

Edited December 12, 2018 by unsinkable

[Faith-manor]

Some people just think they are divas and should be accommodated no matter what. My father in law was one. When he retired, he'd just suddenly decide to come up from Florida. No warning. Get in the car and show up on our doorstep. I was a mom of four, teaching at a parochial school, and had an active music studio - 22 students plus was performing quite often in the city. There was no "just roll with it." So I'd come home from school to find him on the porch livid that I wasn't home to receive him or that the door was locked and he couldn't just let himself in. He honestly thought our lives should revolve around his whims. The very last time he did it, he actually called ahead of time and said he'd be coming and thought he'd arrive on day X. Day X came and went, Day Y, Day Z, and well a week later we still hadn't heard from him. MIL, who was still working full time so never took part in these trips, didn't know where he was, figured he was just meandering his way north, and found some interesting places to stop and see. Well, after 8 days went by, dh's annual vacation arrived, and we had campsites up north. We'd planned that for months in advance. So we loaded the camper, the kids, and off we went. This was in the days before everyone had cell phones so there was no way to contact him. We weren't going to sit around and miss out on a vacation that the kids were very much looking forward too only to have him not show or stay so long that they got no vacation at all.

Apparently, he arrived the day after we left after deciding at the last second to stop in Ohio and spend a week with his cousins. He talked to our neighbors after sitting in the drive for a couple of hours, and they indicated that they thought they had seen us leave with our pop up camper. Eventually he drove to my parents home to complain about us not waiting for him to arrive - eight days late dude, eight days late no communication - and all he got was my mother and brother letting him have it royally! LOL

And that ended the nuttiness. He never did it again. He only came to visit one time after that, and mother in law made him plan it out in advance and stick to the itinerary, and dh warned him of dire consequences if he pulled another stunt like last time.

I adore my mother in law, and am glad she lives near. It is so much easier. She has always been a pretty darn good MIL, but her one quirk when she lived long distance from us was that when she came to visit, she expected a script for every day. She wanted to do something special every single day, and know exactly when meals would be and what we were having. That was really difficult with four kids, dh's work schedule which was never that reliable because of the type of IT position he held, and the music studio. When she moved here so she could see us regularly, all of that kind of thing melted away. She became especially easy going after FIL passed away.

I do not think that it is easy for anyone to deal with in laws. Family cultures can be so bizarrely different.  I try REALLY hard to be the most laid back, respectful mother in law in the history of the world with my son in law. I adore him. But, the reality is that I think it is still challenging a little for him because his family culture growing up was soooooooooooo different from our daughter's.

[happi duck]

1 hour ago, unsinkable said:

I'm sorry happi duck.. ((((hugs)))

My family had a horrible year (that started around thanksgiving last year) and culminated with the death of my DH's brother, the second brother he has lost. 

He is so heartbroken and this time of year has made him/us gun-shy, wondering what bad thing will happen next.

Many (hugs)

I completely relate!  I lost my other sister almost two years ago. Her funeral was the week before Christmas 2016. I absolutely understand wondering when the next catastrophe will come.

Heartbroken is the perfect description.

Many more (hugs)

[Tanaqui]

At least one person has accused me of being insufficiently willing to see the supposed shades of grey here. That's rich. I'm not one of the several more people on this thread suggesting that telling an unexpected houseguest to go stay in a hotel will "destroy" her relationship with the grandkids or that this is a reasonable reaction to that request. (It's not, and if it's likely then it's emotional blackmail and, yes, abusive.) Nor have I suggested that it's somehow tantamount to letting Grandma starve to death in squalor because I can't be bothered to check in once a week when I know she needs help (or something, I still don't know what was up with that comparison).

As for cancer, the odds of her suddenly having developed a terminal or at least life-threatening illness are slim, and still don't justify this behavior. I suppose that if it happened to somebody who had never done anything like this before it could be excused (sort of) on the grounds of "severe stress causing suboptimal decision making" - but for that context to work the OP would most likely have said something like "She's never done anything really off-the-wall like this before, I don't get why she would do this!!!"

As for being worried that your own kids and their spouses/partners will reject you... there's no secret here. The magic trick to being well-liked is to be a likeable person. That's it! When your kids are children, don't abuse them and don't let others do it either. Allow them age-appropriate privileges and responsibilities, and encourage their independence. Set aside time to do fun things together as a family, and make sure those are sometimes their choice instead of yours. When they're adults, remember that they're adults. Assume that if they want/need help, they'll ask you for it, and so will their spouse. Treat them like adults and don't presume on their goodwill - which means, among other things, you ASK before coming over for two weeks, and you ASK before giving their kids a huge gift or privilege that wouldn't normally be allowed or that might make Mom and Dad's offerings look paltry. If the parents are sitting there, don't tell the kids what to do. If you haven't been asked to babysit, then unless it's something incredibly obvious or you know it's against the rules at the kid's house, refrain from ordering them around. If this is something an overbearing character on a sitcom would do, don't do it. Don't abuse the grandkids.

100% of this is common sense to anybody with good manners. Or even sort of okay manners. And people are so reluctant to cut their kids off from the grandparents that you don't even need to hit 100% to still be welcome in their lives. 70% is probably good enough most of the time.

[Arcadia]

20 hours ago, Katy said:

So I have a theory about this- girls hash out difficult relationships with their mothers before they get married, often when they're only 9-12.  They develop boundaries.  They tell their mothers to not overstep.  Boys just shrug and leave it alone until their wives put their feet down about MIL overstepping.

 

A few friends got along with their in-laws staying with them by working. It’s easy to hide in the office on weekends if you have a job. If my husband was a SAHD,  he would have been on countless arguments with my dad because he would be too polite to be blunt. He ignores his parents when they go overboard. 

When my in-laws visit, my husband would take leave and chauffeur them shopping since they aim is to shop rather then visit grandkids. His bosses are used to the guys having to take urgent leave to “entertain” their parents. 

Whenever my in-laws overstep, they would say that my husband turns out okay. My in-laws siblings would snicker because my husband move as far away from his parents as he could be. My in-laws think food allergies are fake though when sneaking food to grandkids 😞 My in-laws has a reputation of being overbearing to relatives, neighbors and friends way before my husband was in high school so it’s a long standing reputation.

My brother’s wife has a relatively easier time with my parents because my parents are used to us (family of origin) being blunt so no one needs to beat around the bush. My SIL can be direct without worries and my brother is definitely direct. They leave their only child with my parents for a few hours at least once a week for free child care without worries. 

In OP’s case, I would have likely plan for MIL to do outside activities with the youngest two and OP’s husband. Then OP can rest at home with her oldest two.