LarlaB Posted June 26, 2018 Share Posted June 26, 2018 DHs mom is a narcissist. DH was fired from family business 4 years ago by mom and the other four siblings took sides. We’ve had friendly but firm boundaries in place since that time with everyone. Two other siblings live here in the same state. Third sibling is flying in from Europe and staying for 2 weeks. Fourth sibling decided she would like to come with infant, and asked if we have room for her. We kindly said we do not, because we don’t have a guest room and run several business out of our home. Too many excuses I know. Didn’t hear anything for a week. She forwarded flight itinerary this AM that she is arriving a few days AFTER European sibling leaves. Why i don’t know. My 2 kiddos and I will be leaving town 3 days after fourth sibling arrives on a weeklong trip to my parents back east. I wrote as much and said hoped we could see her and looking forward to meeting new baby. She replies back OK we will work out a time before you leave. Two hours later, she has apparently marinated a bit and replies: “So why didn’t either of you mention your trip? I emailed asking about staying at your place even... that makes me feel like you guys really don’t care that I’m even coming out there.” Aaaaaaand scene. DH and I separately replied our feelings on the matter without talking it over LOL. DH is frustrated she never asked us if those dates were good (the out of area siblings have a habit of booking these trips and assuming we should clear our schedules after the fact). I am annoyed she makes assumptions and assigns us sinister intent and said as much but also the said nicely, that it was a misunderstanding and to not take it so personally. The irony is we don’t need to make excuses to not see her- we are grown healthy adults who make choices and act as such. So it amuses me and saddens me that her only frame of reference is that we are playing cloak and dagger and trying to trick them and manipulate. Um no. If I don’t want to see you, I’m not going to see you. This sibling is highly educated and presumably very evolved. I will give her huge props for actually speaking directly to us and saying how she felt! That’s a HUGE improvement. Years and years of dealing with this messy childish dysfunctional crapola and we are STILL the bad guys. We will always be the bad guys as long as we have boundaries, a sense of self and don’t bow to MIL. I just needed to vent. It’s so trivial and stupid and brings up my anger towards DHs parents for being so freaking insecure and dysfunctional and modeling that behavior for so many years. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amber in SJ Posted June 26, 2018 Share Posted June 26, 2018 I am sorry you have to deal with this silly-ness....It can be exhausting to hold firmly to your boundaries, but it sounds like you are dealing with it maturely. In the words of Taylor Swift, "Shake it off, shake it off," Amber in SJ 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted June 26, 2018 Share Posted June 26, 2018 My dh's mom has a personality disorder (armchair dx is paranoid, but she's also kind of Borderline). Anyhow, your last sentence totally resonates. Be proud that you and dh have created healthy boundaries despite the handicap of his unhealthy parents/family. That's an accomplishment. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LarlaB Posted June 26, 2018 Author Share Posted June 26, 2018 10 minutes ago, sassenach said: My dh's mom has a personality disorder (armchair dx is paranoid, but she's also kind of Borderline). Anyhow, your last sentence totally resonates. Be proud that you and dh have created healthy boundaries despite the handicap of his unhealthy parents/family. That's an accomplishment. I wish it felt better. With perspective I see and approve of the healthy choices but it’s hard work that is mostly exhausting and has no reward except silence at the very best. There is no peaceful coexistence that can be sustained. It would be SO much easier to just end the relationships than to continue with the tension. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted June 26, 2018 Share Posted June 26, 2018 Maybe it will help to remember that they are the offspring of someone manipulative (as you described your MIL) and there was some modeling involved? Hugs. I think it's good to downplay it since there is nothing to get worked up over and emphasize you much you love them and want to see them.."so come over before we leave on our trip." 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kanin Posted June 26, 2018 Share Posted June 26, 2018 My dh's mom also has some kind of personality disorder. I've been trying to work up the courage to write about it here - maybe sometime. Anyway, we have to deal with similar things... except with even LESS communication, from his mom OR his dad. It's really frustrating, and baffling to me. It's like his whole side of the family pretends everything is normal, which is definitely isn't. Anyway... just wanted to say sorry. It's really hard and stressful to deal with these things. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
readinmom Posted June 26, 2018 Share Posted June 26, 2018 Sorry...stay strong. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted June 26, 2018 Share Posted June 26, 2018 Hugs! I think that acknowledging the frustration (and the progress!) while maintaining awareness and boundaries is HUGE. And it's like exercising a muscle so it'll be in shape for any potential bigger issues down the road. <----- currently dealing with giant issues, from a much healthier place (on our end) than we would have been a few years ago. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted June 26, 2018 Share Posted June 26, 2018 My reply to a similar complaint: "I'm sorry you decided to think about it in such a negative way. If you truly believe that of us after 20 years, I don't think there's anything I can say that will change your mind." 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
easypeasy Posted June 27, 2018 Share Posted June 27, 2018 On 6/25/2018 at 8:12 PM, LarlaB said: I wish it felt better. With perspective I see and approve of the healthy choices but it’s hard work that is mostly exhausting and has no reward except silence at the very best. There is no peaceful coexistence that can be sustained. It would be SO much easier to just end the relationships than to continue with the tension. Oh, AMEN to this. We have similar family issues and it. is. exhausting. trying to find a balance that will keep us all sane. OMG. The struggle is real. Plus side is that our kids have seen us handle these family members with strong resolve in their "formative" years - and that has seemed to help them as they've grown into young adults to handle these family members in a healthy way. Down side is that... our kids have seen us handle these family members with strong resolve in their formative years - and it makes me sad that that dynamic was ever in their lives to have to witness. ? We've considered writing these family members off, but for a plethora of reasons... that was never our best choice. It saddens me sometimes that we couldn't just cut them out of our lives, because there would've been a lot more sunshine and rainbows... but it's so difficult to know what to do while in these situations. ? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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