Advice please: Helping someone through first breakup

[Janie Grace]

My dd19 just broke up with her bf of 2 years. It was mutual but very painful. It has been coming for months but it took a big ugly misunderstanding/fight to make it final. I am relieved by the breakup (I have not thought they were right for each other, though I never said so). But wow is it hard to see dd in this much pain. After the fight (Saturday) she was very open about what happened, what she was thinking/feeling, etc. We talked a lot. But yesterday (Monday) and today (Tues) she has not wanted to talk at all. Last night they met to have a final talk and she came home in tears with a box of things he returned to her. She walked right by dh and me saying "I don't want to talk about it."

I stepped in it yesterday because I texted her to make sure I hadn't offended her. I had driven her somewhere and she was very quiet (understandable) but when she got out of the car, she slammed the door and stalked off. I really debated asking because my gut said "it's the breakup" but I was also concerned that I had done something to exacerbate her pain. She was mad at me for even asking ("Mom, I'm going through a breakup, it's not about you, you make thing worse by constantly asking if I'm mad, etc"). For the record, I hadn't asked her this before... but I do have a history of assuming that if someone is upset, it's because of something I did wrong. I feel so clumsy... I'm aching for her (I have cried many tears in private over the pain she is feeling)... but I feel like anything I do is wrong. I DON'T want to make this about me, but I really need help with how to help her through this. 

Yesterday I bought her some bath bombs and chocolate and just left them in her bathroom. I made a nice dinner with some of her favorites. I think those things blessed her. Today driving her to work I said, "How did it go -- or do you not want to talk about it?" It felt weird not to ask anything at all about this big talk she had been ramping up for. But she didn't want to talk about it, and again I am left wondering if I stepped in it for even asking. ?

I honestly wish there was a script for this. I am longing to love and support her through this. I just don't feel like I know how. Sometimes I feel like I should give her space, but then I am afraid that she'll feel alone. I don't want to smother her. I also don't want to ignore her.  I know it's different for everyone, depending on so many factors, but if you have any wisdom about this kind of situation, I would love to hear it. We are supposed to go shopping and for pedis tomorrow (planned before this happened). I don't know if she will still want to go, but I am thinking of how to communicate beforehand that I won't be pressuring her to talk (I feel like she might fear that I will)... I want it to be a glimmer of happiness in the midst of this dark time, or at least a little distraction. Should I say something today to alleviate any fears she might have that I'll ask questions? Or just leave it? Any other ideas for navigating this tough time?

[J-rap]

I don't know too many people who want to keep talking about their break-up, except maybe with a close peer, so I think your dd's reactions are normal and I'd trust her.  Just love her and support her, but don't be all swoony about it either.  When my kids were going through something tough, they'd maybe have the initial outburst and discussion with me, but then they wanted to keep it to themselves and not talk about it.  They wouldn't want me to be all emotional about it with them either, or constantly asking them how they are.  Try and be positive and upbeat in her presence and maybe offer to do some fun activities with her.  (A movie, a bike ride, etc.)  But nothing where she feels forced to talk.  And she's right, it really isn't about you -- it's just something she needs to deal with.  It really, really isn't about something you've done wrong.  ((hugs))

Gosh it hurts when your child is hurting though, doesn't it??  

[nixpix5]

You are such a lovely mama. How much you love her comes through so strongly in your post. I would leave it. She is sending cues that she doesn't want to talk right now. You could say "after this I am not going to ask any more questions. I am telling you because I don't want you to think I don't care. One way I show I care is through worry and questions but I can see that is not helpful. I am going to stop until a point at which you ask me to listen" and be done with it. If it doesn't bother her, the occasional sweet gesture of chocolate I think is fine. 

That is really tough. One of my DS was in a years long relationship from high school that ended 2 years ago. They broke up and reconnected multiple times so the cycle of pain was brutal. I hope this is a clean break for her and she can heal and move on.

[J-rap]

I wanted to add that one time when my dd who likes to talk about her feelings the least went through something really traumatic and painful, we just sat together watching a movie with my arm around her and her head on my shoulder.  She felt my love but no one talked and I never asked her anything.  It was all she wanted and needed at the time.  If I had bust up crying -- well, she wouldn't have wanted that, so I just acted calm and cool and strong, but was of course weeping inside.

[HS Mom in NC]

I don't think it's a parent's job to get a child through a break up. Other than a hug and listening sympathetically to whatever the kid volunteers, a parent should stay out of it.  Don't ask her questions.  Break ups are a normal part of life. She needs to work through it on her own.

[Garga]

I’d give her a speech, then give her space.  I’m a person who needs space to process hurtful things.  I can’t talk about them right away.  It can take me weeks or even months to finally talk about a deep hurt.

Speech:

Breakups hurt a lot.  I remember the pain and it’s bad. There’s nothing anyone can say or do to help the hurt to go away.  Usually, people take a couple of weeks to slow down and grieve the loss of the relationship.  After a couple of weeks, people try to focus on moving on, though of course they still hurt.  One way to “move on” is that whenever you think of Person, force your thoughts to something else.  After a couple of weeks, if you find yourself wanting to stay home and be sad, make yourself go out and be around other people for a bit.

Ultimately, the only thing that helps is time.  Time to let that person fade from your thoughts.  Time to let other things in life happen and dampen the hurt and give you new things to think about.

Eventually, you’ll probably get to a point where you feel wistful or sentimental about Person, but the intense sadness will no longer be there.  There most likely will always be a little twinge of feeling, but it won’t hurt like it does now.  Sometimes that happens relatively quickly, and sometimes, it takes quite a bit of time.  But you won’t feel this bad forever.  It will fade.

So, there’s nothing I can do to make you feel better, though I wish I could.  If you want to talk, I will listen.  But if you want to be left alone to process this, that’s fine, too. I’m going to move about our days like normal and let you have your space to grieve and let time go by.  Don’t think that it means I don’t care or don’t acknowledge what happened. I do. I just don’t want to keep poking at it and make you feel bad by bringing it up all the time.

End Speech.

 

Basically, acknowledge the pain, give her hope that it’ll get better, give her tips on how to move on, and then leave her alone to get on with things.  

ETA:  Ok, re-reading the post my speech is pretty long.  But it covers everything.  You might decide to make it shorter for now and not cover the “how to move on” parts.  And you don’t have to give it word-for-word.  Those are just the things that I would want my kids to know.  Actually, I’ve pre-given this speech to them.  They haven’t had breakups yet, but I’m warning them that when/if it happens, there is hope that they’ll get over it.  Because I remember that the first breakup hits like a ton of bricks.

 

[HS Mom in NC]

Since you are asking for advice, I have to say don't give a speech.  No one wants a speech when they're hurting.  Sorry, but that would just make things so much worse for a lot of people.

[mom@shiloh]

Sorry, Garga, but I disagree with the speech. I've walked my kids through several break-ups and they wouldn't do well with a speech. The thoughtful gifts, spending time together, and being available are the best things you can do for her.  She knows you're available if she wants to talk.  You don't have to repeat that. 

My guess is that she's feeling somewhat exposed and embarrassed after pouring her heart out to you and she'll open up to you again when she's ready. At least, that's how I would feel.

[Janie Grace]

Well, I did sort of a very abbreviated version of the speech... that much verbiage didn't feel right but the heart of it did. It was really helpful to see that written out, Garga. But for those of who said less is more -- that too.

She texted me today asking if we could stop for dinner at her favorite place (she's just home from college and hasn't been back). Umm, YES. She was way more talkative, not about the breakup but about other things. It felt so good to chat about random stuff. And so at some point, I just said, "Listen, I'm sorry for asking you how you are too often. I care about you so much, and I try to express that care as questions but I realize that's not helpful. So I'm not going to ask anymore. Just know that I'm not ignoring you or pretending you're not hurting. I love you and am available anytime you need to vent or talk or whatever." And she interrupted me and said, "Mom, I totally KNOW that's true! But you asking me about it does make it worse. That's why Dad is so good, and it makes me want to talk to him more because he doesn't ask. I don't want you to ask me followup questions if I share stuff with you. I know I can talk to you when I want to." (The comparison to dh didn't sting, it's totally true and I am glad they have a close relationship too.) And then we moved on. So it was more of a conversation than a speech.

And we did talk about stuff around the breakup... her saying goodbye to his cat, and how she doesn't like it when friends just take her side and act like ex-bf is a jerk, and how she's trying not to think too much about things she could have done differently, etc. So it's not some taboo topic, but I am taking her lead and not treating the initial big emotional talk like a precedent. I'm giving her space. She knows I am here. She is happy about our plans tomorrow and she wants to watch a show with me tonight. So I am really relieved that she's not pushing me away, and I am learning how to love her better through this. 

THANK YOU, YOU WISE WOMEN. You all helped me so very much!!! Honestly, I can't tell you how grateful I am to those of you who chimed in. Thank you!

[Janie Grace]

8 hours ago, nixpix5 said:

You are such a lovely mama. How much you love her comes through so strongly in your post. I would leave it. She is sending cues that she doesn't want to talk right now. You could say "after this I am not going to ask any more questions. I am telling you because I don't want you to think I don't care. One way I show I care is through worry and questions but I can see that is not helpful. I am going to stop until a point at which you ask me to listen" and be done with it. If it doesn't bother her, the occasional sweet gesture of chocolate I think is fine. 

That is really tough. One of my DS was in a years long relationship from high school that ended 2 years ago. They broke up and reconnected multiple times so the cycle of pain was brutal. I hope this is a clean break for her and she can heal and move on.

 

Nixpix5, I mentioned Garga but this was super helpful too. Thank you for acknowledging my love for her... that meant a lot to me as I was in a place of feeling like a failure. And I used your words almost verbatim. You are very insightful and sweet. 

Yes, I hope this is a clean break. They have done the cycle thing all year (they were high school sweethearts who now attend the same college and kept "taking a break" but not really all of this past year). I think they are now done for real. This hurts, but I'm glad for true healing/closure to begin.

[Chris in VA]

I just want to say Thanks, Janie Grace, for asking for help on this. I am wondering if I will be in your shoes shortly and it is helpful to read this thread. 

Part of the reason I read these posts is that I find so much wisdom for spaces in my life I haven't yet walked through. It's good to know there's a resource for advice when and if the time comes to face these sorts of things. ❤️

[hippiemamato3]

9 hours ago, Arctic Mama said:

That’s a really lovely way to put it.  Fantastic response for DD!  I’m changing my answer and going with what she said ?

 

I think I wouldn't say anything. I am someone who doesn't like to talk when I feel upset. Explaining to her why you keep asking her if she's ok will just irritate her further. Hang in there. Buy more chocolate. You will both get through it!

[goldberry]

((hugs)) to you and your dd.  My gut wrenches for both of you just reading your story.  She will get through, she has you there when she is ready.  I think your talk with her was perfect.