Who should get the bedrooms?

[Murphy101]

On 4/25/2018 at 11:09 AM, Scarlett said:

Hard to say because he does not speak up about anything.  He is very much a go along to get along type kid.  Tries to please everyone.

 

Then let him be. There’s not necessarily anything wrong with that just because it’s not how you feel or handle things.  

I think you are pissed at the biomom.  And sure, this would irritate me too but I’m just saying I’d keep that to myself bc if negativity and confrontation are anthems to his personality needs, I think it would add to his upset. 

[poppy]

I honestly think it is classless of the 21 and 22 year old to demand their own space and not make accomodatings when the 17 year old visits. It's not how I was raised or how I raise my kids. I don't  think there is much to DO about it, though. 

[Scarlett]

52 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

 

Then let him be. There’s not necessarily anything wrong with that just because it’s not how you feel or handle things.  

I think you are pissed at the biomom.  And sure, this would irritate me too but I’m just saying I’d keep that to myself bc if negativity and confrontation are anthems to his personality needs, I think it would add to his upset. 

And that is part of why I put it out there for other's opinions here.  Because I know I am pissed at the bio mom.  I think she is a bad mom on multiple levels.  But I know dss loves her and I try to remember he doesn't want to hear anything negative about her choices even the ones that involve him.  

But I still believe it is not healthy to not be able to express to someone, anyone how you feel about various things going on around you. Not caring one way or the other is one thing.  Not being able to say that out loud is a problem.  Dss do you want vanilla or chocolate ice cream? Blank stare and no words.  That might be an exaggeration but you get the idea...it isn't like he says, 'oh you choose either is fine.'  He just acts like he can't get the words out when he is asks his opinion or what he wants. He is better though. I believe, maybe my arrogance speaking, that it is in part because I insist on him telling me what he thinks about some things.

[Susan in TX]

17 hours ago, TechWife said:

I think a 17 year old who lives with a parent part time (or less) should have their own bed (in a bedroom, not the living room). They should have their own bedroom if possible.  Minor children aren't guests, no matter how infrequently they are able to come over. Therefore, as family members, they should have a bed, a place to call their own.

 

I am surprised that this isn't required by the court when they determine custody/visitation arrangements. If this were my son or step-son I wouldn't be happy. He doesn't need his own room, but he should have a bed and should definitely not be sharing a sleeping space with his step-sister.

Susan in TX

[Scarlett]

7 minutes ago, Susan in TX said:

 

I am surprised that this isn't required by the court when they determine custody/visitation arrangements. If this were my son or step-son I wouldn't be happy. He doesn't need his own room, but he should have a bed and should definitely not be sharing a sleeping space with his step-sister.

Susan in TX

I am sure it is somewhere in the worthless custody and visitation papers.  But at age 17 no one is going to enforce anything.  

[Bootsie]

My sister was visiting recently and was staying in DD's bedroom--the bedroom had two twin beds AND a trundle bed.  The beds both had mattresses that were less than 1 1/2 years old, one of which I find to be the most comfortable mattress in the house.  My sister brought her blow up mattress and slept on it in the floor of DD's room (DD was away at college).  My sister finds the blow up mattress much more comfortable than either of the beds.  Because I have seen instances where people actually choose a blow up mattress rather than an existing bed, I would have a difficult time assuming that the 17-year old is terribly upset with the arrangement of sleeping on a blowup mattress if he isn't saying something about it.

[Scarlett]

18 minutes ago, jdahlquist said:

My sister was visiting recently and was staying in DD's bedroom--the bedroom had two twin beds AND a trundle bed.  The beds both had mattresses that were less than 1 1/2 years old, one of which I find to be the most comfortable mattress in the house.  My sister brought her blow up mattress and slept on it in the floor of DD's room (DD was away at college).  My sister finds the blow up mattress much more comfortable than either of the beds.  Because I have seen instances where people actually choose a blow up mattress rather than an existing bed, I would have a difficult time assuming that the 17-year old is terribly upset with the arrangement of sleeping on a blowup mattress if he isn't saying something about it.

Maybe but it just isn't the blow up mattress.....it is being booted out, having to sleep in the same small living space as your step sister.

[Murphy101]

36 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Maybe but it just isn't the blow up mattress.....it is being booted out, having to sleep in the same small living space as your step sister.

 

Yeah. But...

He has been putting up with his mom for 17 years and his step siblings for a long time too. It’s likely he knows more about how to manage living with her/them than you do. Though I think it’s weird as heck to have opposite gender step siblings share a room. 

[Tanaqui]

Quote

I just want dss to know that 'hey, that is a sucky situation and I hope you get your room back soon.'  He shouldn't have to think that is a normal deal.

 

Well, so long as you're not telling him what to feel....

You know, Scarlett, a competent therapist could help him express his feelings more often. It'd be better for him to get this help professionally than from you, because a therapist isn't enmeshed in the situation and has training and knowledge that you do not.

[sassenach]

On 4/25/2018 at 6:55 AM, Scarlett said:

Let's say you have a family where 2 adult son's launched ---21 and 22.   Also in the family is a college girl who is 5 or 6 hours away in a dorm and a 17 year old who comes for visitation.  The parents in this family downsized to a small 3/2 maybe 1000s when the older boys left and college girl went to college.   But the college girl and the 17 yo boy each had a room there.  

Then shortly after downsizing, both adult sons return home.  They each take a bedroom and leave the college girl and 17 year old to sleep on the sofa and a blow up bed in the living room.  

This situation really bugs me for the college girl and 17 year old.  Am I just being silly to be irritated by it?

That’s kind of a tough situation. I would probably set up the adult boys in a room together. The girl and 17yo can split time in the other room, but when she is home, one of the adults needs to take the couch and give up a bed for the 17yo? Idk if that’s a good plan or not. 

[Joules]

14 hours ago, Scarlett said:

It isn't that he gets so much enjoyment out of making other people happy. I wouldn't even describe him as tremendously generous.   He seems distraught about keeping everyone from being unhappy.  There is a difference in how I see him and your description above.  Not that easy to relay.

Scarlett, I just want to say I totally get this.  He doesn't want to be a bother, he doesn't want to rock the boat, he doesn't want to make anyone unhappy, he wants to be invisible.  On the one hand, he seems like a nice, wonderfully pleasant person to be around, but to someone who really knows him, someone who can see through, he is really hurting.  He's not easy-going, he is terrified.  All of those things can be a reaction to trauma (the divorce, maybe?)  

I think y'all are in family counseling (?), it might be something to bring up.  Maybe as someone in trauma therapy, I see better...or maybe I see myself in everyone else, but I really identify with your dss.  I know it's hard for you to see it when maybe no one else does, and what's worse, as the step-mom, you may not be the best person to fix it, so you continually try to gently talk around the edges of it, hoping he'll see it....hoping he'll stand up for himself.  I hear that you really care about him in all of your posts.  Even your constant frustration with him is due to the fact that you care so much and can't find any way to fix it.  My guess is that it is a bigger problem than you or he alone can fix.  I hope that as he moves into adulthood you can be his friend and help him become a happier person.  

[Joules]

11 hours ago, Murphy101 said:

 

Yeah. But...

He has been putting up with his mom for 17 years and his step siblings for a long time too. It’s likely he knows more about how to manage living with her/them than you do. Though I think it’s weird as heck to have opposite gender step siblings share a room. 

I think this is weird, too.  Even though I'm pretty gender neutral on most everything, it seems logical for the girl to share with her biological sibling, if she has to share at all.

[Scarlett]

4 hours ago, Joules said:

aI think this is weird, too.  Even though I'm pretty gender neutral on most everything, it seems logical for the girl to share with her biological sibling, if she has to share at all.

I have always hated the way they leave these 4 kids alone (back when they were 8, 10, 13, 14) but especially when the older two got older and it left the girl and my ss alone a lot.  After school every day. (when dss still lived there) A week at Christmas, 6 weeks in the summer....it just bugs me.  But ss's mom was referring to them as brother and sister as soon as she moved in with him and a year  before they married.  So I think she has convinced herself the kids are siblings.