Help me with my very emotional, strong willed almost 3 yo

[medawyn]

DD will be 3 in November.  She's my extra emotional one.  Every experience leads to Very Big Emotions, which are usually expressed in very loud wails, although screeching/screaming or whining seem to also be acceptable alternatives (to her).  About a third of the time, she's able to rephrase her request or problem in a "nice" tone of voice; the other 2/3 of the time the emotions have already gotten too big to settle with just a reminder.  And she can swing from completely happy to hysterically upset in 10 seconds, so there often isn't warning that a situation is getting too emotional.  

 

She's stubborn; "no" is her first response to almost every request, command, or question.  (Do you want dessert? NO! Yes, I do.)  If I don't respond to her no and give her a few moments, she will often, but not always, comply with the request.  A good example is clearing her place after a meal; she gets a reminder after each meal, and usually her response is "no, I won't."  If I engage her immediately, it will dissolve into a struggle of will, with fuss and frustration on all sides.  If I wait about 5 minutes, she usually comes back and happily clears her place.  Other times it doesn't end quite as well, but those are times I have less flexibility.  Holding my hand in the parking lot, for example.  This is a non negotiable.  She must do it.  And I usually have all three children with me, so there's not a lot of time to debate or room for choices.  Plus, we can't stop in the middle of the road for her to vent her feelings.  We always get to the car in one piece, but not quietly.

 

She's very independent and will work at something until she gets it.  Unless it's a day when we have a screaming fit about not being able to do _____ that she's been doing for months.  She's super snuggly and a little love bug.  She just has this awesome, big personality that will be an asset to her adult self, if we can both survive her getting there.

 

Some of the big emotions are part of toddlerhood, but definitely not all.  It doesn't help that my oldest is unusually even-keeled, and I myself am not a highly emotional - and certainly not a highly demonstrative - person.  I just know I don't have a handle on the best ways to help her deal with the big emotions.  I'd love to work on helping her put things in perspective (brother running by you and not touching or looking at you while playing isn't necessarily a huge offense), and help her find more effective ways of demonstrating emotions (an alternative to high pitch screaming, for example).  I'm planning on needing a decade or two to work through this, but I need advice for where we are now.  BTDT (and survived) stories greatly appreciated.

[solascriptura]

My youngest was pretty much the same way as your dd.  She is still pretty emotional and strong willed, but it's better now.  She can now be reasoned with and can see the consequences of her actions/will.  You know how most kids go throught the terrible twos?  My dd put me through the terrible 4 years.  So from 2 through 6 years old, I struggled with her.  Even though she can still be difficult, she is also the most affectionate (emotional can be good sometimes) out of all of our kids.  So stay patient mama and enjoy your little one!

[maize]

This book has been helpful to me:

 

https://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Child-Who-Intense-Emotions/dp/1572246499

[Innisfree]

I'll second Maize's recommendation, and add The Explosive Child.

 

And, in case it helps, the fact that your dd can calm herself if she has some time suggests that she'll be able to do that faster as she gains some maturity. So, the omens are good. :-)

[medawyn]

I'll second Maize's recommendation, and add The Explosive Child.

 

And, in case it helps, the fact that your dd can calm herself if she has some time suggests that she'll be able to do that faster as she gains some maturity. So, the omens are good. :-)

 

Oh, I definitely see light at the end of the tunnel, even if I can tell it's a l-o-n-g tunnel  :smash: I describe her as the little girl with the curl from the nursery rhyme.

[Innisfree]

Yep, I've got one of those. ;-)

 

Best advice I've got is to praise good behavior as much as possible, even if it took her a few minutes to get there. It'll get better.

[Lori D.]

(side note: For us, strong-willed and oppositional was not a stage for DS#2, but is just part of his temperament. Fortunately, he did learn to moderate a bit the older he got. He's 23 now and SUCH a great young man! :) )

 

 

For the non-negociables, it really helped with my extremely strong-willed explosive DS to give choice.

 

In the case of crossing the street or parking lot, it was non-negociable to hold my hand. But what I could do is give him choice: "Do you want to hold my left hand (dramatically extend left hand), my right hand (switch hands), go piggyback, or ride in the cart like a fireman on the fire engine (dad was a firefighter)?"

 

Notice there is NO bringing up of "you WILL hold my hand". Ride right past what is non-negociable and dwell on the interesting options the child can choose from. Make them creative and sparkly and inviting (like "ride in the cart like a princess in her magic coach").

 

For taking dishes to the sink: it can be a simple thing like: "I wonder which you will choose: to take each item to the sink one at a time, or all at once?" Or, "Tonight you get to choose! Which dishes do YOU want to take to the sink: your dishes, or my dishes? And I'll take the other ones." (Sometime you can even offer a choice of "Did you want to take your dishes or my dishes? Or would you like to take BOTH your dishes AND my dishes?" -- which can introduce the idea of helping/serving others.) And then praise, praise, praise, what a wonderful job was done.

 

Or, if you have a playful child, get playful with the choices: "Ooo, I wonder how your dishes will get to the sink tonight? Will they float like a ghost is bringing them (mimic a ghostly "ooooo" noise and floating dishes)? Will they come by soldier (mimic stiff-backed, straight-legged marching)? Will they come by ambulance (mimic "whee-oo whee-oo" ambulance sound and megaphone: "please make way! emergency ambulance coming through!")?" 

 

So the choice is NOT whether or not to take the dishes to the sink (the non-negociable), but the choice is HOW the child will do it.

 

Save the head-butting for when something comes up that you just can't get around and where there are no choices. By presenting things as options, you give the strong-willed child the ability to create "brain patterns" that are positive, rather than knee-jerk negative opposition.

 

As the child gets older, you can start having conversations about "having their back", and how you're all "part of a team", and how to make choices to help others and be aware of others.

 

And yes, this can get very tiring. Try and think of it as opportunities for you to let out your inner thespian or hidden creative writer. ;)

 

But I found it really was worth the extra effort -- that it built a very solid foundation with my strong-willed child so that by the teen years when children are naturally pulling away and the oppositional attitude can get really ugly and cause real, lasting damage to the relationship, because I had worked to find out-of-the-box and positive ways of interacting, DS trusted me, so that we could (eventually, lol) have actual discussion rather go to immediate ingrained patterns of opposition and rejection.

 

Hugs and patience to you as you persevere with a strong-willed one! It's a LONG road, but so worthwhile! :) Warmest regards, Lori D.

Edited September 26, 2017 by Lori D.

[fairfarmhand]

Lori D. has it. This is what I wish someone had told me to survive the toddler/preschool years.

 

By the way, I had in mind this "When will she get easier?" Mindset. I was always hoping that she would magically become a compliant, easy kid. I think my kid sensed my disappointment when she was about 10 and still as hard as she ever was. Some kids are just hard and that's part of their nature. But they make really really good adults.

 

You know what? My dh is one of those personalities. His knuckleheaded ways do serve him well in the work place. He's an excellent supervisor because he is willing to push through difficulties when others just give in.

 

And yes, I was a totally compliant child and a very emotionally level person (big emotions DRAIN me) so dealing with the constant stubborness, arguments, and emotional explosions just wore me out. I thought all the time, "Do we really have to make a big stinking deal about EVERYTHING? Wouldn't life be easier if you just did what I asked you?"

 

But that wasn't my daughter.

 

By the way, it's not your fault. Nothing can "fix" her, it's just her personality. I read countless parenting books hoping that I would be able to "fix" my kid. It just led to frustration and feelings of failure.

 

It's hard, but so worhtwhile. I don't worry that anyone can talk my stubborn kid into doing anything she doesn't really want to do. I don't worry about her speaking up when the crowd is about to do something stupid.

[TABmom]

Choices never worked with my strong willed over emotional child. He always chose E. none of the above. It works great with most kids though, so I wish you luck with that.

[Lori D.]

Choices never worked with my strong willed over emotional child. He always chose E. none of the above. It works great with most kids though, so I wish you luck with that.

 

:( So sorry to hear that. So very hard.

 

In retrospect, what things did you find that did work with his particular brand of strong-will/over-emotional make-up?

 

While choices did help, they were not a guaranteed fix every time. And I did have to be careful that they had to be legitimate choices and that DS did not see this as me patronizing him. I would have loved to have had additional ways of dealing with this, so that's why I'd love to hear what worked for you. :)

Edited September 26, 2017 by Lori D.

[Lori D.]

...I had in mind this "When will she get easier?" Mindset...

... Some kids are just hard and that's part of their nature. But they make really really good adults.

 

...it's not your fault. Nothing can "fix" her, it's just her personality. I read countless parenting books hoping that I would be able to "fix" my kid. It just led to frustration and feelings of failure.

 

It's hard, but so worhtwhile. I don't worry that anyone can talk my stubborn kid into doing anything she doesn't really want to do. I don't worry about her speaking up when the crowd is about to do something stupid.

 

Totally agree -- this was the understanding we came to, as well.  :grouphug:  Sorry it was so hard, FairFarmHand! Someone should hand out medals to those of us who survive these strong-willed children so unlike ourselves, when we make it to their adulthood! ;)

 

 

...I thought all the time, "Do we really have to make a big stinking deal about EVERYTHING? Wouldn't life be easier if you just did what I asked you?"

 

Ug, YES! I had this thought at least one bazillion times while DS was growing up.

[nixpix5]

(side note: For us, strong-willed and oppositional was not a stage for DS#2, but is just part of his temperament. Fortunately, he did learn to moderate a bit the older he got. He's 23 now and SUCH a great young man! :) )

 

 

For the non-negociables, it really helped with my extremely strong-willed explosive DS to give choice.

 

In the case of crossing the street or parking lot, it was non-negociable to hold my hand. But what I could do is give him choice: "Do you want to hold my left hand (dramatically extend left hand), my right hand (switch hands), go piggyback, or ride in the cart like a fireman on the fire engine (dad was a firefighter)?"

 

Notice there is NO bringing up of "you WILL hold my hand". Ride right past what is non-negociable and dwell on the interesting options the child can choose from. Make them creative and sparkly and inviting (like "ride in the cart like a princess in her magic coach").

 

For taking dishes to the sink: it can be a simple thing like: "I wonder which you will choose: to take each item to the sink one at a time, or all at once?" Or, "Tonight you get to choose! Which dishes do YOU want to take to the sink: your dishes, or my dishes? And I'll take the other ones." (Sometime you can even offer a choice of "Did you want to take your dishes or my dishes? Or would you like to take BOTH your dishes AND my dishes?" -- which can introduce the idea of helping/serving others.) And then praise, praise, praise, what a wonderful job was done.

 

Or, if you have a playful child, get playful with the choices: "Ooo, I wonder how your dishes will get to the sink tonight? Will they float like a ghost is bringing them (mimic a ghostly "ooooo" noise and floating dishes)? Will they come by soldier (mimic stiff-backed, straight-legged marching)? Will they come by ambulance (mimic "whee-oo whee-oo" ambulance sound and megaphone: "please make way! emergency ambulance coming through!")?"

 

So the choice is NOT whether or not to take the dishes to the sink (the non-negociable), but the choice is HOW the child will do it.

 

Save the head-butting for when something comes up that you just can't get around and where there are no choices. By presenting things as options, you give the strong-willed child the ability to create "brain patterns" that are positive, rather than knee-jerk negative opposition.

 

As the child gets older, you can start having conversations about "having their back", and how you're all "part of a team", and how to make choices to help others and be aware of others.

 

And yes, this can get very tiring. Try and think of it as opportunities for you to let out your inner thespian or hidden creative writer. ;)

 

But I found it really was worth the extra effort -- that it built a very solid foundation with my strong-willed child so that by the teen years when children are naturally pulling away and the oppositional attitude can get really ugly and cause real, lasting damage to the relationship, because I had worked to find out-of-the-box and positive ways of interacting, DS trusted me, so that we could (eventually, lol) have actual discussion rather go to immediate ingrained patterns of opposition and rejection.

 

Hugs and patience to you as you persevere with a strong-willed one! It's a LONG road, but so worthwhile! :) Warmest regards, Lori D.

Frame this and hang it on the wall. This is it in a nutshell.

[medawyn]

(side note: For us, strong-willed and oppositional was not a stage for DS#2, but is just part of his temperament. Fortunately, he did learn to moderate a bit the older he got. He's 23 now and SUCH a great young man! :) )

 

 

For the non-negociables, it really helped with my extremely strong-willed explosive DS to give choice.

 

In the case of crossing the street or parking lot, it was non-negociable to hold my hand. But what I could do is give him choice: "Do you want to hold my left hand (dramatically extend left hand), my right hand (switch hands), go piggyback, or ride in the cart like a fireman on the fire engine (dad was a firefighter)?"

 

Notice there is NO bringing up of "you WILL hold my hand". Ride right past what is non-negociable and dwell on the interesting options the child can choose from. Make them creative and sparkly and inviting (like "ride in the cart like a princess in her magic coach").

 

For taking dishes to the sink: it can be a simple thing like: "I wonder which you will choose: to take each item to the sink one at a time, or all at once?" Or, "Tonight you get to choose! Which dishes do YOU want to take to the sink: your dishes, or my dishes? And I'll take the other ones." (Sometime you can even offer a choice of "Did you want to take your dishes or my dishes? Or would you like to take BOTH your dishes AND my dishes?" -- which can introduce the idea of helping/serving others.) And then praise, praise, praise, what a wonderful job was done.

 

Or, if you have a playful child, get playful with the choices: "Ooo, I wonder how your dishes will get to the sink tonight? Will they float like a ghost is bringing them (mimic a ghostly "ooooo" noise and floating dishes)? Will they come by soldier (mimic stiff-backed, straight-legged marching)? Will they come by ambulance (mimic "whee-oo whee-oo" ambulance sound and megaphone: "please make way! emergency ambulance coming through!")?" 

 

So the choice is NOT whether or not to take the dishes to the sink (the non-negociable), but the choice is HOW the child will do it.

 

Save the head-butting for when something comes up that you just can't get around and where there are no choices. By presenting things as options, you give the strong-willed child the ability to create "brain patterns" that are positive, rather than knee-jerk negative opposition.

 

As the child gets older, you can start having conversations about "having their back", and how you're all "part of a team", and how to make choices to help others and be aware of others.

 

And yes, this can get very tiring. Try and think of it as opportunities for you to let out your inner thespian or hidden creative writer. ;)

 

But I found it really was worth the extra effort -- that it built a very solid foundation with my strong-willed child so that by the teen years when children are naturally pulling away and the oppositional attitude can get really ugly and cause real, lasting damage to the relationship, because I had worked to find out-of-the-box and positive ways of interacting, DS trusted me, so that we could (eventually, lol) have actual discussion rather go to immediate ingrained patterns of opposition and rejection.

 

Hugs and patience to you as you persevere with a strong-willed one! It's a LONG road, but so worthwhile! :) Warmest regards, Lori D.

 

Thank you! The bolded is exactly why I'm seeking advice.  I want to preserve our relationship, as well as help both of us work toward more modulated responses to life's drama.  

 

And I'm definitely going to have to work on authentic choices.  I think I find myself unprepared, because I never know which situations are going to cause an emotional response and which are going to go swimmingly along; it can change hour by hour!  I'm going to be putting a lot more effort into working through common scenarios and preparing some choices to help positive interactions.  Hopefully this eventually becomes easier with habit.

[medawyn]

Lori D. has it. This is what I wish someone had told me to survive the toddler/preschool years.

 

By the way, I had in mind this "When will she get easier?" Mindset. I was always hoping that she would magically become a compliant, easy kid. I think my kid sensed my disappointment when she was about 10 and still as hard as she ever was. Some kids are just hard and that's part of their nature. But they make really really good adults.

 

You know what? My dh is one of those personalities. His knuckleheaded ways do serve him well in the work place. He's an excellent supervisor because he is willing to push through difficulties when others just give in.

 

And yes, I was a totally compliant child and a very emotionally level person (big emotions DRAIN me) so dealing with the constant stubborness, arguments, and emotional explosions just wore me out. I thought all the time, "Do we really have to make a big stinking deal about EVERYTHING? Wouldn't life be easier if you just did what I asked you?"

 

But that wasn't my daughter.

 

By the way, it's not your fault. Nothing can "fix" her, it's just her personality. I read countless parenting books hoping that I would be able to "fix" my kid. It just led to frustration and feelings of failure.

 

It's hard, but so worhtwhile. I don't worry that anyone can talk my stubborn kid into doing anything she doesn't really want to do. I don't worry about her speaking up when the crowd is about to do something stupid.

 

Thank you for this reminder.

 

I told DH when she was about 9 months old that if we wanted more kids, we were going to have to get pregnant before she hit toddlerhood.  I knew even when she was tiny that she was going to be... dynamic.  She definitely has fulfilled that prediction!  I don't see her easing up anytime soon.  I'm outside of my comfort zone for sure, but I know that she will turn into a fantastic adult.  I'm just hoping not to screw up too much in the meantime.

 

And, yes, it's reassuring to know that she will know her own mind and won't be easily swayed by a crowd.  It's also reassuring to know that her emotional outbursts will one day be someone else's burden  :leaving:

 

I really do love the stuffing out of the girl, even though I can tell she's going to push my boundaries for a very long time.  

[fairfarmhand]

It's also reassuring to know that her emotional outbursts will one day be someone else's burden  :leaving:

 

 

 

There's this thing that goes around my house when my oldest is having a *day*. My 15 yo or me or my dh will look around and quietly say, "dd's boyfriend has no idea what he's in for, does he?"

[kiwik]

I have one too.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Choices never worked with my strong willed over emotional child. He always chose E. none of the above. It works great with most kids though, so I wish you luck with that.

 

Same here! The response to choices was usually "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" :lol: 

 

Medawyn, you're getting lots of great advice here, and I can't add anymore. I just wanted to say that from your OP, it sounds like you're already handling her very well. It's not easy, and like a few people said, it's just part of their personality. Every day is a dance to keep life relatively peaceful. But they almost always learn to moderate as they get older, and I'm still looking forward to that wonderful adult stage :D

 

 

:grouphug: