DS now has a "girlfriend"

[Just Kate]

Let's say your 13 year old son now has a "girlfriend". I don't know this girl at all, as she doesn't go to ds's tiny school. Anyway, the girl lives in our general area (a few streets over) and the few times ds and the girl have hung out has been outside, at night while the neighborhood kids played spotlight. I didn't really love that they were hanging out like this because (after the fact) I learned that the girl's parents drove her over to our neighborhood and dropped her off with ds and his friends. She was the only girl and they were playing spotlight. Outside. In the dark. So, as ds has been going on and on to me about how he likes this girl, I said maybe it would be better if they hung out inside our house sometime (rather than outside, in the dark!). Of course, ds asked her and she wants to come over! Now what?

 

Our house is a split-level with a living area both upstairs and downstairs. Ds's bedroom is downstairs, so when he has friends over, they always hang out in the tv room down there. He wants to have her over one afternoon this week and he thinks they should be able to hang out in the downstairs tv room and just watch tv together. He knows that he can't have a girl in his bedroom.

 

I think I was envisioning them hanging out upstairs, because that is where the rest of the family would be. Of course, he thinks this would be awful.

 

This whole ds-liking-a-girl thing has come so quickly that I just haven't really gotten my thoughts in order on how we should handle things. I just don't know what is appropriate!!!

 

Wise Hive who have been there done that...please help me! I'm really not sure I can manage this stage of parenting.

[Scarlett]

I would tell him he is too young for a girlfriend and if he has a friend over they need to hang out in common areas.

[Katy]

I would tell him the expectation is that she will be in your home getting to know the family, and you getting to know her.   Sometimes that may mean watching TV, but he cannot and should never expect privacy in your home.  If he has a problem with this (completely reasonable) expectation you may need to re-evaluate whether you think he is old enough to "have a girlfriend" that he is allowed to have over at all.

 

Having said that, I'm surprised he waited until he was 13 to like a girl.  I think that means you've done a very good job.  Many public school kids are urged to "go steady" (while going nowhere at all) for the first time somewhere between 3rd & 6th grades, IME.

 

You should probably sit down with his dad and agree about expectations regarding at what age you will actually allow him to "date," ie: take her out in public alone - to a movie, school dance, game, fair, church activity, etc.  Then announce that to him.  That way you're on the same page ASAP.

[Just Kate]

Great advice Scarlett and Katy! Of course it seems so obvious (umm...no you can't hang out alone with a girl when you're 13 years old) but for some reason I'm having trouble thinking through these things. It's just all seemed to happen so fast and my brain just isn't prepared!!

 

I will admit that I've snooped a bit on social media and I am a little concerned that maybe she isn't a girl that I would want ds to be interested in. She posts memes that are quite explicit (I would be so angry at ds if he posted that sort of thing). I have a feeling she is trying to look cool.

 

I know all the kids in ds's class at school (as well as their parents) and I was really assuming that the first crush would be from that group. I probably would share similar feelings for what is/isn't appropriate with those parents, so it would be simpler. I don't know this girl's parents at all and at 13, I would imagine it is easier if the parents are on the same page.

 

Thankfully dh will be home from work this week (he works out of town a lot) so hopefully we will sit down and discuss our thoughts on all of this.

 

Thanks for helping me think this through. Any other thoughts on how to handle young romance would be greatly appreciated!

[Katy]

Ah.  I would try to ignore the facebook posts, at least until you've actually gotten to know her.  When you do you might (gently) ask her about them, but I'd wait at least 6 months to say anything.  At that age there is little chance they will last 6 months, especially if she's attention seeking in real life and not just on facebok.

 

In the meantime try and watch them together and figure out if your DS genuinely likes her or if he's attracted by provocative behaviors. Obviously the latter will require some verbal finesse to lead DS around to realizing she's not a good match for him. But I wouldn't push it much unless you see something blatant that makes it completely inappropriate for her to be around your house. It's better if DS figures this out on his own, or at least thinks he figured it out on his own.

[Just Kate]

Ah. I would try to ignore the facebook posts, at least until you've actually gotten to know her. When you do you might (gently) ask her about them, but I'd wait at least 6 months to say anything. At that age there is little chance they will last 6 months, especially if she's attention seeking in real life and not just on facebok.

 

In the meantime try and watch them together and figure out if your DS genuinely likes her or if he's attracted by provocative behaviors. Obviously the latter will require some verbal finesse to lead DS around to realizing she's not a good match for him. But I wouldn't push it much unless you see something blatant that makes it completely inappropriate for her to be around your house. It's better if DS figures this out on his own, or at least thinks he figured it out on his own.

Good advice. I do know that at his age they are just trying to figure things out. I would imagine that in the social media age, it would be that much harder. I'm sure this will be a short lived thing. Well, I would imagine most 13 year old relationships are anyway. I'm sure ds does like her, but honestly, I have a feeling that he really likes the idea of a girl liking him back right now. He had kind of a cruddy school year last year, so the attention from this girl is super flattering for him.

 

Thanks for helping me to think things through!

[Scarlett]

In our family we have chose to acknowledge that crushes are real and that age is real too and 13 is just too young. Our boys would.therefore never announce they have a gf at age 13 because well they know we think it is too young. Of course it doesn't stop a crush but we just keep talking and helping them work through feelings and how to properly channel all of that.

[Rebel Yell]

One of mine had a boyfriend at 13, he was about six months older. About 95% of their time together was at our house- eating, watching movies, playing video games.

 

We have a small 1-floor ranch style house, finished basement. The area at the bottom of the steps had a couch, tv, video games. It is visible from the kitchen, no door. There wasn't always room for everyone in the upstairs living room, especially if another sister had friends/BF over at the same time. So because the basement couch is visible from the kitchen, they were allowed to hang out there too, knowing at anytime there could be a small parade through to the garage, laundry room, storage area ;)

 

The boyfriend at 13 was very different from the sisters boyfriend at 16. honestly, two 13yos playing video games is so much less nerve-wracking than two 17yos driving an hour away to a picnic/swimming area that has no cell service

[Ravin]

I would probably let them hang out in the basement, but incorporate some time upstairs with the family into the plan--a meal or whatever. At that age the different between a romantic friend and a platonic friend usually isn't that great--they might kiss or hold hands. I would encourage remaining in common areas of the house if you're concerned they might get up to more than you are comfortable with--or even in a kid's bedroom except you have that secondary common space in the basement--but check in on them at random. My DD knows that if she has a friend in her room there is zero expectation of privacy while guest is over, outside of solitary activities in the bathroom.

[Lanny]

I had a girlfriend in 6th grade but she was in my class. In those days 6th grade was in Elementary School.. The part I found a little troubling in the OP is that she is dropped off where they are playing. I would not drop my DD off anywhere. When I was a kid I liked to Ice Skate so that was a good Saturday afternoon activity.

 

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[Ivey]

What is "appropriate" for your son at this age is really up to you and your husband. In this situation, I think it's time for you (and your Dh, if he's around ) to have series of conversations with your son about what you think is appropriate behavior for a boy his age, how you expect him to treat young women, and anything else you think he needs to know heading into this first relationship (depending on your values and your kid, this could be anything from your religious values to various options for contraception). We choose not to phrase any of this as "rules", but plenty of parents do, and that can work as well. 

 

If he were my son, I would allow them to hang out in the main areas of the house, but would explain to him about why it would be inappropriate for the two of them to be alone in a bedroom together. I would encourage him to actually do activities with her (rather than sitting on the couch watching TV for hours), to include friends and siblings in what they're doing, and to introduce himself to her parents reasonably soon.  I would let him know that I think holding hands, hugging, and (innocent) kissing at this age is okay, but that "making out" and anything beyond that should wait a couple years. We would talk about consent, and how neither one of them should feel pressured to do anything that they don't want to do, or aren't ready for. We talk about these things as they come up for each kid, when we see them on TV, when friends are going through these stages, etc., so none of our expectations are a surprise. 

[ebrindam]

In my house, I'd be ok with DS hanging out in the downstairs common area with his friend. I'd also check in occasionally to see if they needed anything...but I wouldn't expect them to sit in the living room with me, DH, and the rest of the kids in the family. 

[foxbridgeacademy]

Yeah, I'm with PP and would allow them to hang out in the basement but I'd probably check on them randomly (if I didn't know the girl).

 

 

DS had a "gf" at 12-13 and she hung out upstairs and spent the night (she was dd's bestfriend) all the time.  I was never overly worried, I tend to trust my kids to behave and amazingly they always have.