Am I being too helicoptery re 13 yo DD?

[RoughCollie]

Mind you, DD has been 13 for a week or so.

 

DH went to pick up DD from school, and she asked if she and her friend could walk to the library instead of her coming home. DH called me and we agreed that she could do that, if she walked to DH's office at 5:30 pm (before it started to get dark).

 

DD went to DH's office and saw he was on the phone. She left him a note saying she was going to her friend's house and her friend's mom would drive her home.

 

I knew her friend's cell # because DD called me from the library on it, to see when she had to leave for her Dad's office.

 

I called DD and sure enough, she was at her friend's house.

 

DD is in trouble for going there without permission. I told DD that DH would pick her up in 20 minutes. DD said that her friend's mother would drive her home, and they were going to the drugstore first to get something that she and her friend needed for their Halloween costumes.

 

I reiterated that DH would pick up DD in 20 minutes. I made it clear that her friend's mother did not have permission to drive anywhere with DD in her car. Then I called DH and told him to hoof it over there before DD took off with this woman (this is a few blocks away from his office in our little town).

 

I am plenty unhappy with DD. The big thing is that we do not know this girl or her parents. It may be unlikely, but this woman could be a drunk, a bad driver, etc. We do not know this woman from Adam's house cat.

 

What would you do about this?

 

Plus, DD wants to spend the night at the girl's house on Halloween, and go trick-or-treating with her. Again, we don't know the parents. Also, the girl has a twin brother, so a boy DD's age will be there.

 

What would you do about this 2nd situation?

 

Plus, DD invited the girl and another one of DD's friends to spend the night at our house on Saturday night. I have no problem with that.

 

What would you do about this 3rd situation?

 

This is the first time I have had these problems with DD. Now that she is going to the PS, she is making friends and we don't know the families.

 

Thanks for your advice,

RC

[Parrothead]

If this were my dd I wouldn't think of it as helicoptering, but a respect for parents thing. With out checking in verbally she had no idea what the rest of the family unit was doing at the time. Her decision could have put something important on the back burner.

 

1st situation - traveling without express permission - grounded

 

2nd situation - since she is grounded for traveling without express permission this is a moot point. Since this is a special day she has XX amount of time to Trick-or-Treat with the family.

 

3rd situation - depends on how long dd is grounded. The sleep over at home could wait a week so for parents to at least talk to each other and make sure there is no serious/obvious reasons not to. (ie, calling the other mom at 2 in the afternoon and finding out she is drunk)

Edited October 30, 2008 by Parrothead

[RoughCollie]

Thanks, Parrothead.

 

The other factor I forgot to mention with the 3rd situation is that we couldn't afford to give DD a birthday party this year, so in lieu of that, I told her she could have 2 or 3 friends spend the night this coming Saturday.

 

RC

[milovany]

Well, I think kids have to prove trustworthy and respectful at that age for them to receive the "free range" benefits . Since dd is proving neither right now, no, you're not being too helicoptery IMHO.

[Ria]

Mind you, DD has been 13 for a week or so.

 

DH went to pick up DD from school, and she asked if she and her friend could walk to the library instead of her coming home. DH called me and we agreed that she could do that, if she walked to DH's office at 5:30 pm (before it started to get dark).

 

DD went to DH's office and saw he was on the phone. She left him a note saying she was going to her friend's house and her friend's mom would drive her home.

 

I knew her friend's cell # because DD called me from the library on it, to see when she had to leave for her Dad's office.

 

I called DD and sure enough, she was at her friend's house.

 

DD is in trouble for going there without permission. I told DD that DH would pick her up in 20 minutes. DD said that her friend's mother would drive her home, and they were going to the drugstore first to get something that she and her friend needed for their Halloween costumes.

 

I reiterated that DH would pick up DD in 20 minutes. I made it clear that her friend's mother did not have permission to drive anywhere with DD in her car. Then I called DH and told him to hoof it over there before DD took off with this woman (this is a few blocks away from his office in our little town).

 

I am plenty unhappy with DD. The big thing is that we do not know this girl or her parents. It may be unlikely, but this woman could be a drunk, a bad driver, etc. We do not know this woman from Adam's house cat.

 

What would you do about this?

 

Plus, DD wants to spend the night at the girl's house on Halloween, and go trick-or-treating with her. Again, we don't know the parents. Also, the girl has a twin brother, so a boy DD's age will be there.

 

What would you do about this 2nd situation?

 

Plus, DD invited the girl and another one of DD's friends to spend the night at our house on Saturday night. I have no problem with that.

 

What would you do about this 3rd situation?

 

This is the first time I have had these problems with DD. Now that she is going to the PS, she is making friends and we don't know the families.

 

Thanks for your advice,

RC

 

 

Lawsey Pete! Where to begin?

 

First Situatation: Your dd is wrong. She was at dh's office and she left. Bad move. Had it been my dd, and had I been asked, I might have given permission for said child to have other mom drive her home. But to do so without permission? Heck, I'd come down hard on my 16-year old for this - not because of the mom-thing, but because I wasn't asked. That's crucial. So, I'd find a suitable penalty...like not going anywhere without a parent for 2 weeks (she's 13, not 17).

 

Second situaton: As a mom of b/g twins, I say just let the twin thing go, please. Concentrate on the real issue: you don't know this family from Adam. So, if she didn't have situation #1 going against her, I'd say let her trick-or-treat and pick her up later. However, because of situation #1, I'd say, sorry. You stay home or go in our neighborhood w/ your younger siblings, whichever applies.

 

Third Situation: If one of my kids - even my 19 1/2 year old currently-in-college twins - asked someone to spend the night without my (or dh's) express permission, the answer would be NO. I love kids, and our house is often the hangout house for all ages, but it's still my house. Dh and I need to know what a child wants to do, and we are the ones to grant permisson. Ask someone to spend the night before permisson is given, and I can guarantee the answer will be no. Our boys just started ps in late Feb., and I wouldn't let them invite someone over if I hadn't met their parents a few times. Not going there. Kids are welcome to hang out here until 10 pm or so on a weekend (I'm talking middle schoolers; I extend this to 11 for 16-18 yr olds) but no way are they sleeping here unless I have parental contact.

 

Ria

[Heather in the Kootenays]

When my kids want to hang out with kids I don't know, I ask for references - politely of course. I generally call the mom and in the course of the conversation, we generally find some common ground - mutual friends generally. It's one of the blessings of a small town.

[Parrothead]

Thanks, Parrothead.

 

The other factor I forgot to mention with the 3rd situation is that we couldn't afford to give DD a birthday party this year, so in lieu of that, I told her she could have 2 or 3 friends spend the night this coming Saturday.

 

RC

Well, since that would essentially be canceling the party, you could make an exception for that night with strict guidelines for when her grounding is to commence again on Sunday. (I mean if you are going the grounding route at all.) I'd tell dd that her friends have to be picked up to go home by noon.

 

Actually I'd make it her choice - sleepover on the first agreed date with restrictions or the following weekend with no restriction. She could start earning back a bit of responsibility with this decision.

[Pamela H in Texas]

First Situatation: Your dd is wrong. She was at dh's office and she left. Bad move. Had it been my dd, and had I been asked, I might have given permission for said child to have other mom drive her home. But to do so without permission? Heck, I'd come down hard on my 16-year old for this - not because of the mom-thing, but because I wasn't asked. That's crucial. So, I'd find a suitable penalty...like not going anywhere without a parent for 2 weeks (she's 13, not 17).

 

Hmmmm

 

But it sounds like she felt she was being respectful by leaving a note and really didn't know it was wrong by this family's standards.

 

Part of having a teen is to have some of the dynamics change and some push and pull and changes in how things are done. I "get" that she's 13, not 17, but it sounds like she thought she did the right thing. In fact, she probably saw this no differently than when she tells her mom she's going to go read in her room. She's just letting them know.

 

I wouldn't punish her but simply sit down and have a conversation about the expectations. If the family wants to have her ask for permission, I think that is fine, but the expectations need to be clear.

 

ETA: my whole idea of parenting is communication, thinking/problem solving, and making things better for next time. I just don't see what benefit punishment would have in this situation. The idea is simply that the expectations need to be made clear and child understand them, right?

Edited October 31, 2008 by 2J5M9K

[Carol in Cal.]

The basics are:

Does your DD know what your rules are? Have they been clearly communicated and recently reiterated?

 

I have always told my DD that if she asks to do something involving a playdate in front of a friend or their parents, I will say no. She has to ask me in private.

 

So that takes most of this kind of thing off the table.

 

Having said that, my DD is 12, not 13, and she is still homeschooled. And I do check in with her from time to time about what she does and doesn't perceive as 'normal' in terms of parenting and involvement and freedom. I don't cater to arguments that 'everybody' has a WIII or gets to go off for 1 week long camping trip with their friends or whatever (DD has not actually made those specific arguments) but I do want to hear and honor her views to some extent, and discuss them. But, those discussions have to be in private at a time that is not emotionally charged.

 

I hope that this will serve us well going forward. DD will probably enter school in 1 1/2 years, and I am sure that there will be a lot of adjustments at that point.

 

I do remember how embarrassed I was as a child to be so much more restricted than literally every other kid I knew, and this extended into my first year or two at college. And yet I was accosted by gang members and victimized by minor robberies, self-exposing perverts, and mild unwelcome physical contact on public transportation, and followed by guys who were threatening me on several occasions--none of which I ever told anyone at the time. I am trying to walk a little different path in parenting my DD--protecting more, restricting less, keeping communication more open, explicitly teaching about what is and is not acceptable physically, being very clear about never blaming the victim. I want her to have a more normal social life without taking on jeopardy--it's a fine line to walk.

 

I wonder whether your daughter clearly knew your rules, and also whether you have roleplayed with her how to handle a situation like that where if she doesn't go along with her friend, she will feel that tremendous self-consciousness that only a teenager can feel. She needs to know, not just the rules, although those are crucial, but also, to have some guidance and/or practice in following the rules in a way that is comfortable to her.

[Pamela H in Texas]

And I do check in with her from time to time about what she does and doesn't perceive as 'normal' in terms of parenting and involvement and freedom.

 

My kids and I regularly discuss reasonableness of situations. We use friends, tv, topics from the board, etc as jumping off places. It gives us ideas of what is going on in their heads and ways for us to adjust their thinking if necessary or simply to give a rule "for now" (as they aren't always going to agree).

 

We've only had one situation like the OP's come up and when we tried to handle it, we still were not clear so it happened again. We did consider restriction as we were scared because of the circumstances (and I had worked myself into a real frenzy in the situation). But instead, we were able to clarify the requirements and it has never been an issue since.

 

Generally, kids will follow the expectations if they are clear. I don't think mistakes need to be punished, but instead a solution worked for.

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

I would not be happy about the going somewhere without permission. That alone would make me inclined not to allow the sleepover this time. However, I would trust my dd's ability to pick her friends wisely. My dd is 7 and has spent the night with friends whose parents we don't know well. I have met the parents of course, and if I had not, I would make a simple call to do so. Usually for a first time sleepover it is common for the parent of the guest to bring the child over.

 

It would not bother me a bit that the friend had a brother or sister. Again, either I have done my job with dd and she has the sense not to do anything stupid or I haven't/she doesn't.

 

But, like I said, not being able to sleep over with the friend this time would be a natural consequence of going somewhere without permission.

[Danestress]

Your daughter is only 13 and she still needs your direction, support, correction and protection.

 

But this would also be a good time to start thinking about teaching her to protect herself, to use good judgement, to think about her own safety and to let her know (if it's true, and you should train her so it IS true) that you think she has great judgment and is dependable and will do an excellent job protecting herself.

 

I wouldn't want to overreact, because I wouldn't want to send the message, "You are unable to use judgment. The Mom could be a drunk. You need me to figure it all out for you."

 

The truth is, I WOULD want to meet the Mom, particularly before she spent the night there. And I would certainly correct how my daughter handled this and tell her that leaving Dad's office was NOT okay.

 

But I would also be careful to help her see herself as someone strong and wise who you feel compelled to protect but also believe will protect herself.

 

I personally don't like "spend the night" stuff and there is only one family we do spend the nights with. It's not even about protection but about me just finding that whole scene unnecessary and annoying. I think as kids get older, spend the nights often end up being a problem. So my own approach would be to not let her spend the night out because that's just not what we do. I let my oldest son do it but cut it out in his mid-teen years. The younger children only go to one family.

 

So I guess I would lay down the law, let DD know that won't fly. But I probaby wouldn't punish.

[Melinda in VT]

I'm with the posters who wonder if your family's rules were clearly defined and communicated to your daughter. I remember once arranging to get a ride home with a friend in high school only to find out later that my parents didn't want me riding in cars driven by teenagers. It hadn't even occurred to me that they would object to that. I thought I was being helpful and saving them a trip.

 

Re #1, I can see something like this happening with my son (also 13 and in ps). To be honest, I think it's great she left a note. I don't think I'd punish at all for this the first time, but I would talk to her and make sure that she knows what you want her to do in the future.

 

Re #2, I can see not wanting her to spend the night since you haven't met the parents yet. The twin brother wouldn't bother me. (But, like Ria, I have b/g twins.) I'd probably suggest she go trick-or-treating with the girl, but come home before bedtime.

 

Re #3, I think this is fine. You told her she could invite a couple of friends, and she did.

 

This sounds like a case of a child trying to figure out where the boundary is--not in a testing sort of way but just in a growing up and wanting some freedom sort of way. Definitely follow up, clarify how you want her to handle situations like this in the future, but I wouldn't ground or anything like that. It doesn't sound like she was being deliberately difficult or defiant or disrespectful.

[tibbyl]

Hmmmm

 

But it sounds like she felt she was being respectful by leaving a note and really didn't know it was wrong by this family's standards.

 

Part of having a teen is to have some of the dynamics change and some push and pull and changes in how things are done. I "get" that she's 13, not 17, but it sounds like she thought she did the right thing. In fact, she probably saw this no differently than when she tells her mom she's going to go read in her room. She's just letting them know.

 

I wouldn't punish her but simply sit down and have a conversation about the expectations. If the family wants to have her ask for permission, I think that is fine, but the expectations need to be clear.

 

ETA: my whole idea of parenting is communication, thinking/problem solving, and making things better for next time. I just don't see what benefit punishment would have in this situation. The idea is simply that the expectations need to be made clear and child understand them, right?

 

I agree with Pamela. My youngest did same a few years ago. In her mind, she had properly notified us of her whereabouts. We merely had a conversation about proper procedure to follow.

 

I feel your pain, RC, about not knowing friends' families once kids are in public school. Even if you *try* to get to know them, there is so little time for inviting them over, and often their schedules will conflict with yours. Hopefully, the values you have imparted in your children will enable to select friends of solid moral character.

 

A boy your daughter's age in the friend's family? I'm not understanding what is the problem here. Friends will have siblings, both younger and older and of both sexes.

[Guest janainaz]

I think I would not "blast" her on it, but I would speak to her from the heart perspective and tell her directly your concerns. I would then let her know for the future what you expect in that situation and WHY. I would not get too overly upset, but just be very clear. You are right in being upset and justified. I don't want my kids with people I don't know - period. She needs to understand the "real-life" reality of the situation. For some kids, you have to paint a picture so they can get it. Otherwise, they just think you are being ridiculous and "what is the big deal". It's the whole delivery of how you approach her - your objective is for her to get it enough not to do that again.

[Harriet Vane]

Lawsey Pete! Where to begin?

 

First Situatation: Your dd is wrong. She was at dh's office and she left. Bad move. Had it been my dd, and had I been asked, I might have given permission for said child to have other mom drive her home. But to do so without permission? Heck, I'd come down hard on my 16-year old for this - not because of the mom-thing, but because I wasn't asked. That's crucial. So, I'd find a suitable penalty...like not going anywhere without a parent for 2 weeks (she's 13, not 17).

 

Second situaton: As a mom of b/g twins, I say just let the twin thing go, please. Concentrate on the real issue: you don't know this family from Adam. So, if she didn't have situation #1 going against her, I'd say let her trick-or-treat and pick her up later. However, because of situation #1, I'd say, sorry. You stay home or go in our neighborhood w/ your younger siblings, whichever applies.

 

Third Situation: If one of my kids - even my 19 1/2 year old currently-in-college twins - asked someone to spend the night without my (or dh's) express permission, the answer would be NO. I love kids, and our house is often the hangout house for all ages, but it's still my house. Dh and I need to know what a child wants to do, and we are the ones to grant permisson. Ask someone to spend the night before permisson is given, and I can guarantee the answer will be no. Our boys just started ps in late Feb., and I wouldn't let them invite someone over if I hadn't met their parents a few times. Not going there. Kids are welcome to hang out here until 10 pm or so on a weekend (I'm talking middle schoolers; I extend this to 11 for 16-18 yr olds) but no way are they sleeping here unless I have parental contact.

 

Ria

 

:iagree:

[OhM]

Lawsey Pete! Where to begin?

 

First Situatation: Your dd is wrong. She was at dh's office and she left. Bad move. Had it been my dd, and had I been asked, I might have given permission for said child to have other mom drive her home. But to do so without permission? Heck, I'd come down hard on my 16-year old for this - not because of the mom-thing, but because I wasn't asked. That's crucial. So, I'd find a suitable penalty...like not going anywhere without a parent for 2 weeks (she's 13, not 17).

 

Second situaton: As a mom of b/g twins, I say just let the twin thing go, please. Concentrate on the real issue: you don't know this family from Adam. So, if she didn't have situation #1 going against her, I'd say let her trick-or-treat and pick her up later. However, because of situation #1, I'd say, sorry. You stay home or go in our neighborhood w/ your younger siblings, whichever applies.

 

Third Situation: If one of my kids - even my 19 1/2 year old currently-in-college twins - asked someone to spend the night without my (or dh's) express permission, the answer would be NO. I love kids, and our house is often the hangout house for all ages, but it's still my house. Dh and I need to know what a child wants to do, and we are the ones to grant permisson. Ask someone to spend the night before permisson is given, and I can guarantee the answer will be no. Our boys just started ps in late Feb., and I wouldn't let them invite someone over if I hadn't met their parents a few times. Not going there. Kids are welcome to hang out here until 10 pm or so on a weekend (I'm talking middle schoolers; I extend this to 11 for 16-18 yr olds) but no way are they sleeping here unless I have parental contact.

 

Ria

 

:hurray: Good answer!

 

I have a 13yo who pulls these kinds of stunts, too. I see it more as testing the boundaries than willful disobedience. (Though she's capable of that.) If she's like my dd, responding to this with firmness - letting her experience consequences as well as providing explanation - will pay dividends in the future. She's experiencing some freedom and testing the walls to see where they are now. It's a good thing.

 

I think Ria has a firm and reasonable solution.

[newlifemom]

A boy your daughter's age in the friend's family? I'm not understanding what is the problem here. Friends will have siblings, both younger and older and of both sexes.

 

Having been the victim of a friend's older brother, you better believe that that knowledge will affect my decision whether or not my child will sleep over at someone's house. That said in homes where I know the family well I have done it. Is it still a risk, sure, but less of one and I want very much for my dc to not have to go through some of the garbage I did b/c my parents weren't as aware of my friends and their families.

[Remudamom]

I think I'd be mad on all three counts.

 

Although perhaps since you told her she could have spend the night company, maybe she thought it was okay to go ahead and invite??

 

But leaving her dad's office while he was on the phone smacks of sneaky to me.

[newlifemom]

I think I'd be mad on all three counts.

 

Although perhaps since you told her she could have spend the night company, maybe she thought it was okay to go ahead and invite??

 

But leaving her dad's office while he was on the phone smacks of sneaky to me.

 

As usual Remudamom, you are the voice of reason. BTW, would you mind letting us(read me)know what your name is about/means. Just curious. Although I know curiosity did kill something once. :D

[RoughCollie]

Okay, here's the scoop. DH picked up DD and talked to her on the way home, and then I basically repeated everything he said when she got here. I thought DD was being very sneaky, too, until I talked with her.

 

DD had a couple of good points. First, she did call and say something about going to her friend's house and I told her no. She said she thought I said it was okay -- we had a bad connection (always the case when someone uses a cell phone at the library) -- and for her to go to her dad's office and let him know.

 

I believe DD is telling me the truth because I know DD.

 

She left DH a note because it was starting to get dark and she knew that she had to get to her friend's house before dusk set in as I had warned her not to walk around outside in the dusk or dark. DH is usually on the phone for a long time so I can see her reasoning. I pointed out where it was faulty (next time wait until DH gets off the phone no matter what -- he can give her friend a ride home if it gets dark) and what her note this time should have contained (phone #, address, name of family).

 

To DD this was a reasonable decision and it never crossed her mind to put information about where she was going into the note. This is why DD still needs her parents -- these things do cross our minds.

 

Second, we don't have a rule about visiting friends, spending the night, and so forth because it hasn't come up with a family we don't know.

 

We have a rule now, as of tonight, but before that DD's friends could spend the night any time unless the World Series is on and the Red Sox are playing in it. DD could spend the night at her friends' houses any time, too, because we know the families -- until now.

 

Same situation with the mother I don't know driving my DD around -- all the mothers who have driven DD in the past are my friends, and I know how they drive, etc.

 

As for my concern about the parents and brother of DD's friend, none of whom I know:

 

#1 is that I am a criminal defense attorney -- I know what goes on "out there" and I do not want to inadvertently put my DD into a situation like that. Right now, half of my cases are drug crimes and half are s*x crimes.

 

#2 is that I have been the victim of a violent crime and I don't want anything to befall DD at all, and especially on my watch.

 

#3 is that there is a man down the street who was arrested on multiple counts of possession of child pornography -- along with some of his cohorts. He is an upper middle class executive whose wife is the head of the Girl Scout troops in our town -- a very nice family, except for him. My point is that most people who hurt children do not look or act like people who hurt children -- and that includes, unfortunately, some teenage boys.

 

As it stands now, DD is allowed to go trick-or-treating with her friend, and we have not decided whether it will be in our neighborhood or that of her friend.

 

We have not decided whether to let DD spend the night over there. I want to meet the mother first and get my "feelings" about the situation and think it over some more first. It turns out that this girl was in DD's girl scout troop in 6th grade, so I probably know some people who do know this family well, and I can check them out. My "feelings" trump everything because they are always right. (I'm not talking about emotions -- I wait calmly and information comes to me. It can be quite awhile before it is confirmed to be accurate, but it always is in the end.)

 

DD's friend can spend the night here on Saturday.

 

DD knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she is not allowed to visit her friends without our express permission, that we must always have the friend's phone number, address, and I must be able to speak with the mother first to make sure she will be home while DD is there.

 

DD knows that she is never to accept a ride from anyone unless I have previously given her permission to ride in their car -- this pertains to rides home from a friend's house, in particular.

 

DD knows that she can make plans all she likes, but we have veto power and will use it.

 

DD knows that, whether she agrees with our stance or not, one of our responsibilities as her parents is to make sure she is safe.

 

We are giving DD a cell phone for Christmas with a child location service on it. As long as her phone is on, we will know exactly where she is. That will go a long way to making me feel good about giving DD more freedom as she gets older.

 

I do wonder if I am weird because DD's friend's parents are not concerned about letting their 13 year old daughter spend the night at a stranger's house with 3 teenage boys and an adult male living here. I don't understand that, and if I'm weird, so be it.

 

Thank you for your helpful comments and advice. I really have no clue about how to be a good parent of teenagers, especially when some of them are no longer homeschooled. I try to keep my eye on the ball -- they are young teens now, and in 4-5 years they will be adults, and I want the transition to go as smoothly as possible. I have a hard time letting my kids have freedom and I don't want to be so protective that I stifle their maturation.

 

RC

Edited October 31, 2008 by RoughCollie

[Joanne]

I don't think you are being helicoptery with regard to your rules.

 

I do think that, in the first situation, she did try to do what she figured was the right thing. She needs to be talked to, but not punished.

 

I would (and have) allowed sleepovers - both giving and going. I don't allow sleepovers (going) unless I know the parents at least to some extent.

 

Plus, DD wants to spend the night at the girl's house on Halloween, and go trick-or-treating with her. Again, we don't know the parents. Also, the girl has a twin brother, so a boy DD's age will be there.

 

My dd has 2 brothers and I always get upset that others would exclude our home based on that fact alone.

[RoughCollie]

My dd has 2 brothers and I always get upset that others would exclude our home based on that fact alone.

 

I wouldn't exclude your home based on your boys, but I would want to know your entire family before I let my DD spend the night there.

 

My DD has spent the night with several friends who have brothers. I know the kids and their parents well, and DD has never had a problem.

 

My point is just that I don't want to take unreasonable risks, and not knowing anyone in the family, especially the males, is an unreasonable risk to me. That is because most s*xual predators are partaking of their treats right in the bosoms of their families -- most are not strangers lurking on the street corners looking for prey.

 

Heck, I have 3 boys. I trust them and we've never had a problem, but I still keep a very close eye on things when DD's friends are here. Why? Because my duty to protect my children extends to visiting children.

 

I have known several mothers who were willfully ignorant of what was going on right under their noses. They were in denial, perhaps, but the signs were significant and they did nothing to protect their DDs (and by extension, their DDs' friends) from their own husbands or sons.

 

My DD can protect herself to some extent (she is an inch from earning her black belt in karate), but she has never had to do so. I have no idea how she would react in a dangerous situation because she has never been in one (thank God). She tries to use good judgment, but she is naive about people, not having been exposed to any who were disreputable.

 

It's kind of like the people who say, when a person is arrested for a heinous crime, "Look at his picture -- that is the face of Evil". Well, b.s. Evil people look just like ordinary people. In my significant experience, they act like everyone else, too -- except for when they are actually engaged in an evil act. Most of them are very nice folks unless you happen to be one of their victims.

 

DD is naive about that -- she thinks she is a good judge of character, but frankly she has never had to be.

 

RC

Edited October 31, 2008 by RoughCollie

[newlifemom]

I wouldn't exclude your home based on your boys, but I would want to know your entire family before I let my DD spend the night there.

 

My DD has spent the night with several friends who have brothers. I know the kids and their parents well, and DD has never had a problem.

 

My point is just that I don't want to take unreasonable risks, and not knowing anyone in the family, especially the males, is an unreasonable risk to me.

 

Heck, I have 3 boys.

 

I have known several mothers who were willfully ignorant of what was going on right under their noses. They were in denial, perhaps, but the signs were significant and they did nothing to protect their DDs (and by extension, their DDs' friends).

 

RC

:iagree:

[Kate CA]

I wouldn't exclude your home based on your boys, but I would want to know your entire family before I let my DD spend the night there.

 

My DD has spent the night with several friends who have brothers. I know the kids and their parents well, and DD has never had a problem.

 

My point is just that I don't want to take unreasonable risks, and not knowing anyone in the family, especially the males, is an unreasonable risk to me. That is because most s*xual predators are partaking of their treats right in the bosoms of their families -- most are not strangers lurking on the street corners looking for prey.

 

Heck, I have 3 boys. I trust them and we've never had a problem, but I still keep a very close eye on things when DD's friends are here. Why? Because my duty to protect my children extends to visiting children.

 

RC

 

I just wanted to back you up here too. I completely agree with this. I just think it is smart parenting. We allow some dear friends to sleep over here and they have four boys. We will be sleeping over at some other dear friend's house in the next month and they have three boys. We know the families though. This would not be happening if we didn't. It is just common sense to me. Why take a risk like that? If that makes me a helicopter mom, well then I proudly wear the rotating blades. :D

[Pamela H in Texas]

I'm so glad that you discussed the issue with dd and were able to come up with a game plan for the future. I'm also glad you didn't punish her for the mistake/misunderstanding.

 

I think you did a great job Mom :)

[Renee in NC]

Hmmmm

 

But it sounds like she felt she was being respectful by leaving a note and really didn't know it was wrong by this family's standards.

 

Part of having a teen is to have some of the dynamics change and some push and pull and changes in how things are done. I "get" that she's 13, not 17, but it sounds like she thought she did the right thing. In fact, she probably saw this no differently than when she tells her mom she's going to go read in her room. She's just letting them know.

 

I wouldn't punish her but simply sit down and have a conversation about the expectations. If the family wants to have her ask for permission, I think that is fine, but the expectations need to be clear.

 

ETA: my whole idea of parenting is communication, thinking/problem solving, and making things better for next time. I just don't see what benefit punishment would have in this situation. The idea is simply that the expectations need to be made clear and child understand them, right?

 

I agree. She didn't "sneak off" (which would have been different.)

[AuntieM]

First, I confess to not thoroughly reading all the replies.

 

I just want to toss out that you are at a critical point in time. You need to let your daughter know what you expect, that you mean what you say, that you are not unreasonable but that there will be consequences for disobedience.

 

She's in the "earning your trust" stage. She will have the opportunity to earn more privileges as she demonstrates responsibility.

 

Your feelings and expectations seem appropriate to me. FWIW, sexist as it may be, DH and I intend to hover over our daughters a bit more closely than we will our sons. Not that we trust them less, but because there seems to be the potential for so many more crash & burn emotional/relationship issues to arise in a young woman's life.

 

That said, if she is indeed making new friends, it is your responsibility to make time in your schedule to meet the parents. A single phone call can give you lots of vibes either way. It also puts the other parents on notice that you DO pay attention.

 

Please let us know what you learn from this experience, we'll take it to the bank with our own : )