House sharing... help!

[abba12]

My brother and his girlfriend are coming to live with us... in like, three days. This has happened suddenly due to financial situations no one expected, but it will likely be for a reasonable period of time (6-12mo)

 

I've only house shared once and it was miserable, mostly because it was a tiny unit and we felt the need to interact all the time and I got absolutely sick of the other person after a week. I know better this time, I will be setting a ground rule that no one has to feel a need to interact at all times. He doesn't judge me for spending the entire day on the computer if I feel like it, I wont judge him for spending the entire day in his room. Interaction is great, but it does not have to be constant. 

 

Does anyone have any other advice though? I'm nervous and self conscious. I feel extremely self conscious doing family worship time if he can hear us (he's not christian but is extremely respectful, it's not because he would say anything negative, but it's a time I feel vulnerable and overly emotional), I'm worried i'll lose my temper with the kids then feel self conscious about yelling at them with him in the house, or worse have a yelling match with my husband! (we're a loud family, that's just our family culture) And, uh... well, tea time pops into my head as another self consciousness issue that can be heard.

 

The homeschooling is a non issue, he was homeschooled like me, he may actually contribute to music lessons or something. But I'm still nervous about making this work without feeling invaded or like my privacy is gone. There's a few things I'll have no choice but to change (I'm one of those people who walks around naked at times, lol) but I want to ensure our family still feels like it can be itself and not change too much. The kids are 6, 4 and 2 so I think they'll be fine, it'll be fun for them. I guess I'm worried about my own attitudes. 

[Rosie_0801]

In my experience, most house sharing arguments happen about kitchens. Don't eat people's food, and make sure everyone notices that you've taken your turn to do dishes.

 

And, if you have an old hot water service, don't use all the hot water!!!

[Laura Corin]

In my experience, most house sharing arguments happen about kitchens. Don't eat people's food, and make sure everyone notices that you've taken your turn to do dishes.

 

And, if you have an old hot water service, don't use all the hot water!!!

 

Television sharing can be a big deal too, although less so if people have their own screens now.  Music in bedrooms?  Late bedtimes?

 

[bettyandbob]

Like Rosie said think of little things.

Do you need a laundry schedule. What should brother do with you clothes in the dryer.

Where are all the cars parked.

 

The little things helps understand habits so we can understand the big things better.

 

It's the little things that throw us over the edge often.

[Night Elf]

My dd and her boyfriend are sharing a house with married friends. It's their house and my dd is the guest, so to speak. She pays rent. This married couple are slobs. They keep their house dirty and it drives dd crazy. She has to clean the kitchen when she wants to cook. She has to clean the bathroom that should be theirs alone but that their son makes a mess in. So I recommend you lay down some ground rules about who cleans what when, and how clean should it stay, and stuff like that. I don't think they should be treated as guests who aren't expected to do anything in house management. They are residents who have responsibilities.

[abba12]

This is definitely an our house, they pay rent situation. I don't intend to treat them as guests, but, this is our home they're staying in, not a shared home. That helps define a few things.

 

Food should be ok, I think we've agreed we will take turns making meals for the entire household most nights, they will contribute to our grocery budget and they'll have their own shelf in the fridge for special extras. 

TV is a non issue, they're computer people, didn't have a TV in their old place either and are quite content to play computer games or watch a movie on their computer screens, and I will be expecting some privacy in our lounge area where the TV is after the children go to bed (they'll have both a bedroom and a 'lounge' space of their own to retreat to, which helps. I wouldn't expect them to be in our lounge area after children go to bed unless they're using the kitchen, but I should find a tactful way to actually bring this up and make sure we're on the same page).

Music is fine, their bedroom is far away from the children's room. And I have thought about music in the common areas and how to handle that, it should be easily handled...

Late bedtimes are no issue so long as they're respectful. 

I seem to be in a routine of laundry on the weekends so I might mention to him weekdays are better. I have a massive machine which helps, we can do a week worth of laundry for 5 people in 2 loads.

Cars are a non-issue, my brother is legally blind like me, and the big goal while they're here is for his girlfriend to get enough hours for her full licence as she is only on a learners still, so they don't have a car yet and when they do, it'll still only be one for them and one for us.

Cleaning is a definite topic. They're moving here because of financial issues so we want to help them save. They are going to contribute to bills and groceries but we wont be charging rent, in exchange for them doing some house cleaning chores we have previously hired out to a housecleaning service. He seems happy with this arrangement but we will have to finalise what that looks like this weekend, I don't want them cleaning kid mess but they may well end up solely responsible for the kitchen and vacuuming and mowing.

Thanks for helping me think this stuff through guys!

 

 

[fairfarmhand]

Write things down so everyone remembers what was said. And tell them that. Have a let's go out for coffee date once a month to handle things that pop up. As the homeowner I would open the coffee ☕ï¸conversation as "this is just an informal meeting to figure out how things are working and keep things operating smoothly"

 

 

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[OneStepAtATime]

I agree.  

 

1.  Write down anything and everything that was discussed and do it today.  Read through it.  Walk through your house to help you brainstorm anything else that might be an issue.  Write down that, too.  Sleep on it.

 

2. Look back over those notes and reorganize it into a basic "contract". Clearly laid out, flexible, but firm.  Don't hope for the best.  Establish very clearly defined household rules right up front, IN WRITING.  Much easier to start with clearly laid out rules and relax them a bit later on than to start fairly relaxed and try to create rules later, after they have a routine, are now established in your home and are not necessarily amenable to changing things.  Also, don't include specific schedules for things like housekeeping on this paper.  Make that a separate thing.

 

3.  DO include an outside end of contract date where their ability to remain in the home must then be discussed.  You don't want this to stretch out into infinity.  If things are going well and they want to remain, fine, create a new contract.  Otherwise, at least you have it in writing that on a certain date their "rental" of your home is over and they need to leave.

 

4.  Go over this written rules paper with them as soon after they arrive as is reasonable.  Make sure they have their own copy, and talk it through.  Make it clear you are just trying to make the transition and living arrangements workable for all parties and encourage them to give some feedback right up front but don't bend on things that really matter to you and your family.

 

5.  Write up a final version and have everyone read and sign it.  Truly.  It tends to help people remember that this is not just a casual discussion that can be ignored later and it helps to ensure that what you are saying and what they are hearing are pretty close to the same thing.

 

Along with the above, you should seriously consider a written schedule for things like laundry, house cleaning, bedtime schedule, etc. but this can be changed as needed.  Work with them to establish that list so that it works for your schedule and also their schedule.  If you want them out of the main part of the house during certain times of the day, write it down.  If there are times while the kids are first getting to sleep that you need quiet in certain parts of the house, write that down, too.  Make it clear.  They aren't psychic so clear communication will be absolutely essential, and something written you can all refer to means that things discussed verbally are less likely to be forgotten or misremembered later.

 

Another thing you should consider is how you feel about other people "parenting" your kids.  Don't necessarily write it down.  Just keep it in your head where your boundaries are.  Ex. If girl friend feels she can tell the 2 year old they are behaving badly, are you o.k. with that?  Figure out where your comfort level is.  If things become an issue, talk (without rancor) to them immediately.  Establish the boundaries through clear communication before something blows up in your faces.

 

Another thing to consider is safety issues.  Since they don't appear to have kids they may not think about safety for the kids in your home.  You might want to consider that and include any concerns you have in your paper and discussions.  What may seem intuitive to you as a mom may not be intuitive to them at all.  They will probably need your guidance and reminders.

 

Good luck.

Edited February 7, 2017 by OneStepAtATime

[Plink]

This may sound unnecessary among family, but you really need to have a signed contract.  In it you can detail the beginning and end date of the rental (yes, it is a rental even if they are paying with service rather than cash) what they can expect from you, and what you can expect from them.

 

Good boundaries are easiest to keep when they are explicitly clear.  The signed contract will also give you legal standing should you need to ask them to leave if things unexpectedly go down-hill.

[Rebel Yell]

How will you handle guests/visitors?

 

Can they have friends over any day, any time? Can you? Can the kids?