Just Kate Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 First...I am venting here. I know that lots and lots of middle school girls are great and I myself am raising a soon-to-be middle school girl. But right now, I'm just mad. My kids attend a teeny tiny Christian school that they both love. They started attending when ds was in 3rd grade (he's in 7th now). His class has 23 kids and they are together year after year. I always thought his group of kids was great, but as they grow up they are acting like normal teens (which is normal I guess). Ds has always been a bit awkward but he has grown out of most of his his quirks. He does well in school and plays on the bball team. Now he's not the best at bball, but he works hard and it shows. He also loves making YouTube videos and they are pretty good! He has a few really good guy friends that I really like. So, why I'm frustrated...almost all of the kids in his class have Instagram, including ds (which was probably a mistake). He found out a few months ago that there is a group DM (like a group text) with some of the boys and girls in his class and he's not part of it, but his closest guy friends are. They can't include him because they didn't set up the group. Anyway, tonight one of them tells him that three of the girls (one of which he has had a crush on for a long time) called him fat and ugly. Ds is not fat! He isn't a skinny kid, but he's not fat. And of course he's not ugly. He's sad. He feels left out. And he doesn't know why these girls, who he also thought were his friends, would say mean things about him. I explained that middle school girls are extremely insecure and it is likely they talk about others just to make sure no one is talking about them. He seemed better after our talk, but man did he look hurt. And I'm friends with the moms of these girls! Two of the girls are twins and their younger sister is my dd's best friend. The girl that ds has a crush on used to attend our church so I know her mom well. Her mom would be devastated to know her daughter was talking like that on Instagram. Of course I'm not going to say anything, but I know her parents would be upset. I know I'm going to have more of this in the future. Most of the time, ds seems to be a well-liked kid in his class. Then something like this happens. I tend toward anxiety and depression and ds is so much like me. Lucky for me, I was pretty well liked in middle school and high school, and yet I remember how difficult it was. I just want to make sure I support ds any way I can. I guess this is sort of a JAWM. I am happy to take helpful suggestions. More than anything I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 Honestly, I think the parents need to know. Keeping secrets helps bullies. But even if you do nothing, I get the need to vent. Nothing hurts like watching your kids hurt. And this is seriously uncool. Most of us would do anything not to repeat the parts of our youth were we acted like jerks. When our own kids hurt its the worst ever. I'm sorry your son is hurting. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gaillardia Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 (edited) You never know how other parents will respond. It is hard to ignore these kinds of things. There is a lot of it in our circle. I'm sad to say that we feel fortunate that one particular family moved away that had boosted the snobbery and "bad girl" rap. They're gone and things seem more peaceful and not as contentious. Everyone thought they were good kids, but some of the things that my kids would tell me were going on went beyond what I think is okay. Edited November 22, 2016 by Gaillardia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Kate Posted November 22, 2016 Author Share Posted November 22, 2016 Eh, it's not just the girls at fault in the situation. If the boys in the 'in' group are actually good friends with your ds, they'd probably not take part in a clique that actively excludes him. At the very least, they would call the girls out on their nasty comments ( and not pass them on ). Sadly, there's a lot of cruelty (as well as immaturity) to go around in middle school. If it were me ( and it was, this year, in a different but difficult situation ) I'd focus less on my anxiety about ds being 'liked' and more on boosting his resilience. It's very hard to be the one who is left out. And just as hard, imo, to watch. Just be there for him, talk about what makes a good friend, help him find fun, active things to do outside school, and try your best not to get too down about it. Easier said than done, I know. This is why I hate social media in middle school. Even though we are pretty screen positive in our house, we tend to keep social media to a minimum before 13 or 14. I totally agree with your first statement. Of course, I'm not sure exactly how the boys responded when the girls made those comments. I'm not even 100% sure why they told ds. Ds says they didn't say it in a mean way, but that is a hurtful thing to tell someone. I'm sensitive and I sometimes still find myself worrying about being liked (which I hate!). I really appreciate your comments and thoughts. I will definitely work on boosting his resilience and helping him to figure out who he is, without stressing about who likes him and who doesn't. Thanks! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2squared Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 Hugs. We have this with 9th grade girls. I tell my kids that jr high/high school is about survival and they will find true friends in college. I hope it gives them hope. My jr high/high school kids seem to be in the top half of the pecking order. My heart goes out to those dealing with even more than we deal with, and I hate social media too. We partake, but I still hate it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kroe1 Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 Well, it is not getting much better here in the high school years. Exclusion really hurts. Big hugs to you and your son. Here, it is always the same kid in a group who is leading the exclusion effort. No matter what the group, there always seems to be that one mean child or two who is sticky sweet on the surface, but cruel behind the scenes. Social media just exacerbates the issue by providing anonymity and BFF type photos of events. No wonder teen depression is at an all time high. At any rate, I would call out the boys who told your son. They are actually the ones who did the hurting by relaying the message. The girls may have never intended their comments get shared. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 Ugh that age range is challenging. If I were the parent I'd want to know and I'd kick my kids @$$ (figuratively). But I will say that not all parents will respond that way so I can't say if that would help at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reefgazer Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 I agree with all of this. The best gift you can give to your kids, IMO, is the ability to look past stuff like this, to teach them to deal with the situation, and most importantly, to find new friends that are really are willing to be a *friend*. Eh, it's not just the girls at fault in the situation. If the boys in the 'in' group are actually good friends with your ds, they'd probably not take part in a clique that actively excludes him. At the very least, they would call the girls out on their nasty comments ( and not pass them on ). Sadly, there's a lot of cruelty (as well as immaturity) to go around in middle school. If it were me ( and it was, this year, in a different but difficult situation ) I'd focus less on my anxiety about ds being 'liked' and more on boosting his resilience. It's very hard to be the one who is left out. And just as hard, imo, to watch. Just be there for him, talk about what makes a good friend, help him find fun, active things to do outside school, and try your best not to get too down about it. Easier said than done, I know. This is why I hate social media in middle school. Even though we are pretty screen positive in our house, we tend to keep social media to a minimum before 13 or 14. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 I agree with all of this. The best gift you can give to your kids, IMO, is the ability to look past stuff like this, to teach them to deal with the situation, and most importantly, to find new friends that are really are willing to be a *friend*. Yeah that is ultimately probably the best thing because it is the only factor you really can control. And most of these kids grow up to be reasonable people. Although adults can be as nasty in their own ways. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xahm Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 One thing to consider is in what context the comments were made. No one should ever be called names, but if it was "Sally likes Jimmy, Sally likes Jimmy" "No I don't, he's fat and ugly" and her friends backed her up to keep her from being teased, that's different from a group of girls ripping the son apart. Both are wrong, but I wouldn't consider the first bullying, just immaturity. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Nyssa Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 Maybe approach the school about having some lesson/workshop on better use of social media? I don't know if I'd approach individual parents, especially when this is all second-hand news. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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