No One Came to His Birthday Party :(

[mamiof5]

Well, I think it's incredibly rude to not show to a wedding you've RSVP'ed to for any reason unless it's a life or death event for you or your loved ones. I also think it's rude to skip the wedding when you've RSVP'ed. Both the people who did that work for me. I've judged. I've made note. I think less of them. You are free to do whatever you want in your life, but when it's a public act (such as no-showing to a wedding or skipping part of it), people who observe you will judge, whether you want them to or not. Just like I'd judge someone who did some other rude act in public.

 

Judge manners/rudeness -- yes. I'm not judging whether the person going to Heaven or Hell or are a good human being -- I'll leave that to their maker/conscience/etc. But, I'm judging their public manners, which are terrible, IMHO. And, bad manners reflect badly on a person, and will, indeed impact their future employment/friendships/etc. I'd certainly not invite anyone who did something so rude to an important event in my life, for sure.

We could come up with several different scenarios. Maybe it was a life/death matter for your coworker to visit with her sister, maybe it wasn't. We just don't know. I try, my very best, to go with a "no one knows what goes behind doors" policy. Yes, it is not ideal that folks cancel or don't show up for weddings, and I agree, it is rude to rsvp and not go for a frivolous reason. But, since chances are I don't know all the story behind it, it's as frivolous of me to make a judgement on their behavior. To each their own. If someone RSVPd to a wedding and didn't show up it's their business, not something for me to judge.

 

We can agree to disagree. Not attending a wedding I RSVPd for is not right, and hopefully there was a valid reason behind it. You judging so harshly why or why not they attended is not right either, imo.

[SKL]

Re the wedding, I don't think it's rude to attend only the reception and not the wedding.  I think that's pretty normal actually.  If I was specifically invited to both, I would hope there were separate RSVP notices for each, because usually there is a lot of time between the church ceremony and the reception, and it doesn't make sense to assume everyone can set aside the whole day for weddings of people they aren't even that close to.  In fact, I believe I was only ever invited to 2 church wedding ceremonies, vs. lots of receptions.

 

And I can't see non-attendance at a church wedding changing my opinion of a person.  I mean, assuming the person isn't a close relative or in the wedding party.

[SKL]

I hate when making a phone call is the only option and my guess is a lot of people do and say they'll call later and then forget. But I still try to make that phone call, even if it is 2 days away, because it is still rude not to respond at all if you are capable of doing so. Although I will admit I have forgotten before because I couldn't RSVP that moment and had too much on my plate to keep a party in my mind. I always apologize for forgetting if I ever actually remember though.

 

You'd call this stranger to apologize for not remembering to RSVP "no" to a mass birthday party invite that didn't even have your kid's name on it?

 

Is it because you think parents are right to believe that no RSVP means "maybe" or "yes"?

 

I think it makes more sense that no RSVP means "no" in a case like this.  Especially when it comes to a paper from school, which has a high likelihood of being lost or ignored.

 

...

 

What about letting your kid verbally RSVP "no" directly to the classmate?  Does that work?  Because I've done verbal RSVPs for lots of informal events.  Or I'll RSVP by telling a relative to pass my answer along (verbally).  I mean we aren't talking about a catered wedding here.

 

And I think it's a bit ridiculous that I'm obligated to do something because someone I don't even know decided to do something for her kid.  I mean, if posted a "come to my party" post here on WTM, would you be a jerk if you didn't call me to RSVP "no"?  Why should you be obligated by my decision to throw such a wide net?

[Audrey]

Basically happened to a pal of mine Phil when we were young.

 

His parents and older sisters went to a lot of trouble setting up a big party at his house and I was the only boy to show up. My heart broke for Phil. Fortunately, a second friend showed up later and we all played and we tried to make it seem normal. 

 

As it happened, Phil's birthday is one day before mine. My party had tons of kids (including Phil) which in some ways made me feel worse, and I can only imagine how my pal felt.

 

It has been almost 50 years. Still hits me when I think about it.

 

Bill

 

A similar thing has haunted me my whole life, except the birthday boy was my brother.  Even on a good day, my brother and I could fight like cats and dogs.  It was his 8th birthday. We had just moved a few months prior, and Dad had just retired from the military.  When no one showed (even though several moms had said they'd be coming), I went around the neighbourhood and rounded up all the kids I'd met.  But, my brother knew.  It broke my heart.  I still tear up to think of his face when he realized no one was coming.  I'd have done anything not to have had to see him like that. 

 

I have a special kind of hate-on for people who do crap like that to a kid. Every one of them always has some "special exception" or "excuse." It's all bullshit.  If you make a commitment, keep it.  Double down on that if there's a kid involved.

[JustEm]

You'd call this stranger to apologize for not remembering to RSVP "no" to a mass birthday party invite that didn't even have your kid's name on it?

 

Is it because you think parents are right to believe that no RSVP means "maybe" or "yes"?

 

I think it makes more sense that no RSVP means "no" in a case like this. Especially when it comes to a paper from school, which has a high likelihood of being lost or ignored.

 

...

 

What about letting your kid verbally RSVP "no" directly to the classmate? Does that work? Because I've done verbal RSVPs for lots of informal events. Or I'll RSVP by telling a relative to pass my answer along (verbally). I mean we aren't talking about a catered wedding here.

 

And I think it's a bit ridiculous that I'm obligated to do something because someone I don't even know decided to do something for her kid. I mean, if posted a "come to my party" post here on WTM, would you be a jerk if you didn't call me to RSVP "no"? Why should you be obligated by my decision to throw such a wide net?

I wouldn't call them but I would wait until I saw them at a school event or send an apology letter with my child. I don't believe no reply means either 'yes' 'maybe' or 'no' it mean you didn't reply and should be respectful enough to own up to it and make amends.

 

I don't think sending a verbal RSVP from your child to that student is enough. Children aren't always reliable. Your child may forget to RSVP or the bday kid could forget to mention it the parent. Since the parent is the one throwing the party they are the ones to be informed directly.

 

Family invites can be different but that depends on the family culture. In my family, everything is done by word of mouth so having a family relay an RSVP to another is expected. In dh's family it would not go over well.

 

I think to deliberately ignore any invite that a person who you or a family member is associated with is rude. As for a WTM invite that is quite different. Few of us actually know each other, I've met roughly a dozen of the people on this forum, and no one in our family is directly acquainted with anyone else. But a classmate is directly associated with your child and respect should be shown when and invitation is extended.

[SKL]

Well maybe it's an etiquette breach to invite the whole class using a generic printout that doesn't even have the invitee's name on it.  How is that even an invitation?  It's more of a posted meeting notice.  It would be more work for me to call and say "no" than it was for the parent to print out our copy of the notice.  Sorry, but I don't agree I'm obligated.

 

So you think I'm a jerk, that's fine.  But I still say the parent should assume no RSVP means "no."

[JustEm]

Well maybe it's an etiquette breach to invite the whole class using a generic printout that doesn't even have the invitee's name on it. How is that even an invitation? It's more of a posted meeting notice. It would be more work for me to call and say "no" than it was for the parent to print out our copy of the notice. Sorry, but I don't agree I'm obligated.

 

So you think I'm a jerk, that's fine. But I still say the parent should assume no RSVP means "no."

How someone else behaves does not dictate how I behave. If they send an invitation that I find to be of poor etiquette that does notean i should respond in kind. And I agree that the parent should assume no RSVP means 'no' but that assumption does not absolve me of following proper etiquette, which would be to apologize for ignoring an invite.

 

I don't think you are a jerk at all. We just have different opinions of the situation. For me, if someone didn't RSVP to an invitation then I simply wouldn't extend invitations to them in the future, which in your situation wouldn't seem to matter since you are equally annoyed that the parent sent a generic invite.

 

But back to the original reason for the thread. I think the mom should have tried to figure out if people were coming or cancelled the party well before it actually happened.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Well, I think it's incredibly rude to not show to a wedding you've RSVP'ed to for any reason unless it's a life or death event for you or your loved ones. I also think it's rude to skip the wedding when you've RSVP'ed. Both the people who did that work for me. I've judged. I've made note. I think less of them. You are free to do whatever you want in your life, but when it's a public act (such as no-showing to a wedding or skipping part of it), people who observe you will judge, whether you want them to or not. Just like I'd judge someone who did some other rude act in public.

 

Judge manners/rudeness -- yes. I'm not judging whether the person going to Heaven or Hell or are a good human being -- I'll leave that to their maker/conscience/etc. But, I'm judging their public manners, which are terrible, IMHO. And, bad manners reflect badly on a person, and will, indeed impact their future employment/friendships/etc. I'd certainly not invite anyone who did something so rude to an important event in my life, for sure. 

 

Wow, this is so incredibly judgmental that it actually makes me a little sick to my stomach. You must be really hard on the people in your life. 

 

There were people who didn't come to our wedding ceremony because it turned out they couldn't leave work in time. I was happy to see them for the reception instead. I didn't take a head count at the ceremony.

 

There were people who didn't come to the reception after RSVPing yes. I cared enough about them to assume that they had a good reason for not doing so. IMO, someone's OWN family arriving in town unexpectedly actually takes precedence over them spending time with mine. 

 

There were people who came to our formal reception dressed in jeans and sweaters. Rather than judge them for their lack of "etiquette," I was happy to see the joy with which they came to celebrate our union, and I was happy to see that they were comfortable and enjoying themselves and didn't have to shell out money they didn't have for suits or rental tuxes. 

 

There were even a few people who came to the reception who had originally RSVPed no. I appreciated that they dressed up, drove a good distance, and brought gifts to celebrate with us after all. 

 

If you feel like it improves your life, the lives of your employees, and your world in general to judge so harshly on something like this, then that's a world in which I'm glad I don't reside. I honestly can't imagine viewing people in such a black-and-white manner. 

Edited November 4, 2016 by ILiveInFlipFlops

[StephanieZ]

Wow, this is so incredibly judgmental that it actually makes me a little sick to my stomach. You must be really hard on the people in your life. 

 

There were people who didn't come to our wedding ceremony because it turned out they couldn't leave work in time. I was happy to see them for the reception instead. I didn't take a head count at the ceremony.

 

There were people who didn't come to the reception after RSVPing yes. I cared enough about them to assume that they had a good reason for not doing so. IMO, someone's OWN family arriving in town unexpectedly actually takes precedence over them spending time with mine. 

 

There were people who came to our formal reception dressed in jeans and sweaters. Rather than judge them for their lack of "etiquette," I was happy to see the joy with which they came to celebrate our union, and I was happy to see that they were comfortable and enjoying themselves and didn't have to shell out money they didn't have for suits or rental tuxes. 

 

There were even a few people who came to the reception who had originally RSVPed no. I appreciated that they dressed up, drove a good distance, and brought gifts to celebrate with us after all. 

 

If you feel like it improves your life, the lives of your employees, and your world in general to judge so harshly on something like this, then that's a world in which I'm glad I don't reside. I honestly can't imagine viewing people in such a black-and-white manner. 

 

Some people care about etiquette. Some people don't. You are free to carry on as you wish. I actually don't have etiquette issues with anyone in my personal life. I am flabbergasted at the folks here who are so uniformed about (or simply uninterested in abiding by) ordinary good manners. The people whose etiquette problems I described in my wedding post are not friends of ours. They are (apparently) friends of the bride. Dh and I attended the wedding out of respect since we were invited, but we are the bride's employers and have no social contact outside of work. However, when young people get married, they often invite us. I suppose it is partially out of respect for us and also, they probably feel affectionately towards us since we are (much to your surprise, I am sure) considered by our staff to be exceptionally kind and supportive employers. We often end up feeling a parental sort of affection/pride towards these young people, as we often get to witness their evolution from "college kids" to young married and/or professional adults, which is something rather sweet, and we enjoy being able to assist them in their journeys. 

 

While I am not a stickler for fork usage or shoe color etiquette, I do care about etiquette when it harms others (costs them wasted money, costs them being able to invite someone who'd actually care enough to show up, makes their special event less special in any way, etc.) , especially on such an important day as a wedding. 

 

Etiquette exists to smooth the way for comfortable, pleasant, respectful social interactions. It provides "rules" so we can all understand what the expectations are of us and help guide is in behaving in ways that are comfortable. Break the rules, and you look bad. I'm not saying either of these etiquette-breakers are bad people. I'm saying they look like people with bad manners by disrespecting a very important event to which they'd been invited. And, people with bad manners and poor social judgment are not generally pleasant to have around socially, and neither are they people who are likely to reflect well on a business when they use those poor manners and poor judgement while on the job.

 

 

Personally, I'd place showing up at a wedding (or funeral) on time and as expected as a very high priority. I would consider it a critical as a 4-month-waiting-list-appointment with a  medical specialist, or a job interview for my dream job. We all have things in our lives that we just MAKE SURE we show up to on time, properly, without fail. That's how I'd look at a wedding -- even if it's not my BFF or my kid or MINE. It's someone else's precious day, and I would make sure that not ONE THING I did caused the bride or her family one moment of concern, unhappiness, or any other negative emotion. That's just terrible, IMHO.  I would be on time. I would be properly attired. I'd RSVP accurately and follow through. I'd not miss it unless there were some event completely out of my control that truly made it impossible (car wreck on the way to the church . . . kid falls off the swing and has to go to ER . . . that sort of thing). 

 

As many of us here have observed, it is commonplace now for brides to have un-taken seats at their place-card covered tables. It is common to not have people RSVP on time or at all. ETC. Note that 30 years ago, these things were virtually unheard of. If someone wasn't at their place at the table, there'd be panicked talk of a car accident or death . . . Now days, we all just figure "something better came up". In my world, that's just selfish, nasty behavior. 

 

In *my* social circle, people show up when we say we'll show up -- for important events. For a casual walk date or whatever, we are all understanding when "life happens" and don't even ask for or expect explanations (although we often offer them along with our profuse apologies). When a friend cancels a walk date at the last minute, I never ask why. Usually, the next time we get together, I end up hearing the story about the marital fight or the teen-angst child . . . But, I never question the why, because we are all grown up enough to understand and accept that with our busy, complicated lives, things happen, and we may not want to explain, so we don't ask for explanations, obviously . . . and giving each other space and grace to cancel casual things at the last minute allows us the space to make those dates in the first place! However, we ALL have our shit together enough to show up to weddings, funerals, even graduation parties . . . on time, dressed appropriately, and with smiles. Because, when we have some important commitment in someone ELSE's life . . . we are all grown up enough to pull up our big girl panties and carry on, whether our spouse is sulking or our teen is angst-ing. We'd show up for work no matter (right? If not, who can keep a serious job?) And, if a paycheck is worth the effort to "carry on" and follow through, then certainly someone ELSE's special occasion should be important enough to follow through on your commitments. 

 

I encourage anyone who truly doesn't understand the etiquette of skipping a wedding to attend a reception, or not following through on an RSVP, to simply google up etiquette for the occasion you aren't sure about. It's not a grey area. You can disregard common courtesy as you wish, of course, as it is not a crime. It is, however, an easy way to get a bad reputation among those who observe your lack of common courtesy. 

Edited November 4, 2016 by StephanieZ

[Bluegoat]

Some people care about etiquette. Some people don't. You are free to carry on as you wish. I actually don't have etiquette issues with anyone in my personal life. I am flabbergasted at the folks here who are so uniformed about (or simply uninterested in abiding by) ordinary good manners. The people whose etiquette problems I described in my wedding post are not friends of ours. They are (apparently) friends of the bride. Dh and I attended the wedding out of respect since we were invited, but we are the bride's employers and have no social contact outside of work. However, when young people get married, they often invite us. I suppose it is partially out of respect for us and also, they probably feel affectionately towards us since we are (much to your surprise, I am sure) considered by our staff to be exceptionally kind and supportive employers. We often end up feeling a parental sort of affection/pride towards these young people, as we often get to witness their evolution from "college kids" to young married and/or professional adults, which is something rather sweet, and we enjoy being able to assist them in their journeys. 

 

While I am not a stickler for fork usage or shoe color etiquette, I do care about etiquette when it harms others (costs them wasted money, costs them being able to invite someone who'd actually care enough to show up, makes their special event less special in any way, etc.) , especially on such an important day as a wedding. 

 

Etiquette exists to smooth the way for comfortable, pleasant, respectful social interactions. It provides "rules" so we can all understand what the expectations are of us and help guide is in behaving in ways that are comfortable. Break the rules, and you look bad. I'm not saying either of these etiquette-breakers are bad people. I'm saying they look like people with bad manners by disrespecting a very important event to which they'd been invited. And, people with bad manners and poor social judgment are not generally pleasant to have around socially, and neither are they people who are likely to reflect well on a business when they use those poor manners and poor judgement while on the job.

 

 

Personally, I'd place showing up at a wedding (or funeral) on time and as expected as a very high priority. I would consider it a critical as a 4-month-waiting-list-appointment with a  medical specialist, or a job interview for my dream job. We all have things in our lives that we just MAKE SURE we show up to on time, properly, without fail. That's how I'd look at a wedding -- even if it's not my BFF or my kid or MINE. It's someone else's precious day, and I would make sure that not ONE THING I did caused the bride or her family one moment of concern, unhappiness, or any other negative emotion. That's just terrible, IMHO.  I would be on time. I would be properly attired. I'd RSVP accurately and follow through. I'd not miss it unless there were some event completely out of my control that truly made it impossible (car wreck on the way to the church . . . kid falls off the swing and has to go to ER . . . that sort of thing). 

 

As many of us here have observed, it is commonplace now for brides to have un-taken seats at their place-card covered tables. It is common to not have people RSVP on time or at all. ETC. Note that 30 years ago, these things were virtually unheard of. If someone wasn't at their place at the table, there'd be panicked talk of a car accident or death . . . Now days, we all just figure "something better came up". In my world, that's just selfish, nasty behavior. 

 

In *my* social circle, people show up when we say we'll show up -- for important events. For a casual walk date or whatever, we are all understanding when "life happens" and don't even ask for or expect explanations (although we often offer them along with our profuse apologies). When a friend cancels a walk date at the last minute, I never ask why. Usually, the next time we get together, I end up hearing the story about the marital fight or the teen-angst child . . . But, I never question the why, because we are all grown up enough to understand and accept that with our busy, complicated lives, things happen, and we may not want to explain, so we don't ask for explanations, obviously . . . and giving each other space and grace to cancel casual things at the last minute allows us the space to make those dates in the first place! However, we ALL have our shit together enough to show up to weddings, funerals, even graduation parties . . . on time, dressed appropriately, and with smiles. Because, when we have some important commitment in someone ELSE's life . . . we are all grown up enough to pull up our big girl panties and carry on, whether our spouse is sulking or our teen is angst-ing. We'd show up for work no matter (right? If not, who can keep a serious job?) And, if a paycheck is worth the effort to "carry on" and follow through, then certainly someone ELSE's special occasion should be important enough to follow through on your commitments. 

 

I encourage anyone who truly doesn't understand the etiquette of skipping a wedding to attend a reception, or not following through on an RSVP, to simply google up etiquette for the occasion you aren't sure about. It's not a grey area. You can disregard common courtesy as you wish, of course, as it is not a crime. It is, however, an easy way to get a bad reputation among those who observe your lack of common courtesy. 

 

I think the problem is you are taking something that is generically true - that people are rude about some of these things these days and we can see it in the attendance problems at events with no-shows and such - and assuming it applies to particular cases.

 

It is true that people are treating things like RSVPs differently, and you can argue that it is for bad reasons - I would agree with that myself.

 

But in the case of your employees, you really have little idea what was going on.  Even what they have told you might be incomplete, because they don't necessarily owe you an explanation.  Even the actual hosts won't necessarily be privy to personal or private details in most instances.

[SKL]

Actually the entire point of manners is to make other people feel comfortable.

 

If following an etiquette guideline is likely to make the other person less comfortable, the polite thing is to break the "rule."

 

In no way is etiquette intended to give people reasons to look down upon others.

Edited November 4, 2016 by SKL

[ChocolateReignRemix]

A similar thing has haunted me my whole life, except the birthday boy was my brother.  Even on a good day, my brother and I could fight like cats and dogs.  It was his 8th birthday. We had just moved a few months prior, and Dad had just retired from the military.  When no one showed (even though several moms had said they'd be coming), I went around the neighbourhood and rounded up all the kids I'd met.  But, my brother knew.  It broke my heart.  I still tear up to think of his face when he realized no one was coming.  I'd have done anything not to have had to see him like that. 

 

I have a special kind of hate-on for people who do crap like that to a kid. Every one of them always has some "special exception" or "excuse." It's all bullshit.  If you make a commitment, keep it.  Double down on that if there's a kid involved.

 

+ 1 million

[LucyStoner]

RSVP doesn't mean regrets only. It means "please respond"

 

Honestly, people should know to respond to invitations without a reminder.

 

95% of birthday invites here are evite or on Facebook. Nobody really should have an excuse for not clicking yes or no. It really couldn't be easier.

[38carrots]

 

<snip>

However, when young people get married, they often invite us. I suppose it is partially out of respect for us and also, they probably feel affectionately towards us since we are (much to your surprise, I am sure) considered by our staff to be exceptionally kind and supportive employers.

<snip>

 

 

Oh...Right. Altenatively, they probably feel like they'd be you know, judged? No matter how "supportive" you might be, your harsh judgemental attitude can't be that secret. Just saying.

 

[MedicMom]

I literally just found an invitation for a birthday party tomorrow in DS6's backpack. God only knows how long it's been there. So I haven't rsvp'd.

I hate birthday parties. Especially the whole "invite the entire class" thing.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Because, when we have some important commitment in someone ELSE's life . . . we are all grown up enough to pull up our big girl panties and carry on, whether our spouse is sulking or our teen is angst-ing.

 

How nice for the people in YOUR lives that you're so committed to etiquette so you can ensure that you don't disrupt other people's lives in any possible way  :001_rolleyes: Very loving. What's the etiquette rule on judging other people's behavior, especially when you only know bits and pieces of their stories? WWMMD?

[StephanieZ]

How nice for the people in YOUR lives that you're so committed to etiquette so you can ensure that you don't disrupt other people's lives in any possible way  :001_rolleyes: Very loving. What's the etiquette rule on judging other people's behavior, especially when you only know bits and pieces of their stories? WWMMD?

 

You can choose how to behave.

 

You can't choose the consequences for those behaviors. 

 

Behave badly, and your bad behavior may be observed. 

 

 

I think judgement is highly underrated. 

[MSNative]

RSVP doesn't mean regrets only. It means "please respond"

 

Honestly, people should know to respond to invitations without a reminder.

 

95% of birthday invites here are evite or on Facebook. Nobody really should have an excuse for not clicking yes or no. It really couldn't be easier.

Evite- I agree with you.

Fb- not necessarily. I end up invited to probably 10 fb events a week. Usually sales things or open house at a business thing. I don't even look at events anymore. I might easily miss an invite.

 

I try to remember to rsvp but have been guilty of forgetting. (Or finding the invite weeks later in a backpack). If I see the mom I apologize.

 

In general though I think rsvp has come to mean respond if yes. And yes has come to mean maybe if something better doesn't come up.

[LucyStoner]

Evite- I agree with you.

Fb- not necessarily. I end up invited to probably 10 fb events a week. Usually sales things or open house at a business thing. I don't even look at events anymore. I might easily miss an invite.

 

I try to remember to rsvp but have been guilty of forgetting. (Or finding the invite weeks later in a backpack). If I see the mom I apologize.

 

In general though I think rsvp has come to mean respond if yes. And yes has come to mean maybe if something better doesn't come up.

Most of the people who do birthday party invites via FB in my group just send a message with a link to the evite or they post the evite in FB to a group. People use FB more than they check their email. 😂

 

I agree that FB events can get overlooked in the sheer volume.

 

I agree things have gotten very casual. This has ups and downs.

 

Given how many people show up after not responding though I wouldn't agree, at least in my area, that RSVP means only an affirmative response. Fortunately the non-responders who attend anyway tend to offset the peeps who responded yes and then are no-shows.

Edited November 6, 2016 by LucyStoner

[momacacia]

I think it was poor manners for all the parents to not RSVP, but since she never heard from any of them it was poorly done on her part to then expect them to come and chew them out for not coming. Had they RSVPed "yes" and not showed, I'd be angry and very sympathetic. In this case, meh, mom created the situation; quit whining. This is simply the flipside of no one RSVPing but showing up and complaining that there's no cake when no party materializes.