I did something dumb. Help.

[Miss Peregrine]

A few weeks ago I found ds's bio mom on FB and messaged her about a visit. We haven't had a visit with her in about three years because she keeps getting arrested, drugs, etc.

 

I was feeling like it would be okay. And about a year ago, ds8 asked about his bio parents.

 

Anyway, I messaged her and she is ecstatic about the possibility. I was also messaging her mother so she could visit, too, and transport her daughter. She tells me that she doesn't think it's a good idea. That bio mom is a mess and looks terrible (think advanced method user) :(

 

Ds8 is extremely sensitive to the way people look. People missing a limb, or with a deformity really bother him. He will lose sleep and cry. He once cried for hours because a woman at church had used a face peel for skin cancer treatment.

 

All that to say, I think it's not a good idea, either. I also asked him about the visit and he said he didn't want to now. He does not know about the drug use.

 

His bio mom keeps messaging me and talking about how she NEEDS to ser her baby boy. I haven't communicated with her since her mother told me not to include her.

 

I need to word a message to her. I know she will be very angry. Please help me let her down gently.

[bibiche]

Well, it is about your (and her bio) son, not her.  Just explain that he doesn't want to see her at this time. You don't have to explain why. If she cares about him, she'll accept it.

[Tap]

Can you set up a Skype instead of an in person visit first? That way you can control the situation a little easier. 

 

Meth users may look gaunt, aged and have sores.  They often just look like a person who is sick, so I would just explain it that way to ds.  I would assume that she would have decent hygiene and clean  her self up for the visit so I couldn't imagine it being scary, but you obviously know you son, I don't.  

 

 

[SKL]

Tough one.  How about something like this:

 

"Son is going through a tough time right now.  I talked to him about the meeting and he expressed that he is not ready to meet right now.  I know this is very disappointing for you and I'm so sorry.  Let's keep in touch and hopefully there will be a better time in the future."

[Spryte]

That's tough.  We have been in similar situations.  

 

I would contact BM immediately, because the longer this goes unaddressed - the worse it will be.  But you're on that already.

 

Are you seeing the biograndmother?  If so, that would very slightly change my response - I'd take some crafts and pics for bgm to pass along to bm.

 

Otherwise, I'd say that DS is feeling very sensitive, and that you've been talking to him about a visit and trying to get it arranged, but he's not ready.  I, personally, wouldn't use the words that he "doesn't want" to see her - because he does, right?  But under these circumstances, it's a not good idea?  Am I reading that right?  So I'd probably say that DS is worried or stressed or otherwise not ready for a visit.  I'd say that he thinks of her often, and we talk about her, and keep her in our hearts (if that's true), and that he made x, y, z for her and you'll send it right away.  And then I'd send her a boatload of pics.

 

But that's just how we'd handle it.  YMMV.

 

FWIW, we have 2 BMs - neither without issues - so I really hear where you're coming from.

Edited September 4, 2016 by Spryte

[ondreeuh]

Oh man. I'm sorry.

 

I would just say that you got ahead of yourself. You wanted to find out if she was interested before you brought up the idea to your son, so that he didn't get his hopes up if it wasn't going to happen. But it turns out that he is not ready to see her, so even though she would very much like to reacquaint, it just can't happen. Then thank her for being understanding, and say that as adults, you and she can handle disappointments like this so much better than he could and so you need to put his needs first. And what he needs now is to have his wishes honored about this situation.

 

I would enlist the grandmother's help and ask her to follow up with bio mom and reinforce the message.

[Miss Peregrine]

That's tough. We have been in similar situations.

 

I would contact BM immediately, because the longer this goes unaddressed - the worse it will be. But you're on that already.

 

Are you seeing the biograndmother? If so, that would very slightly change my response - I'd take some crafts and pics for bgm to pass along to bm.

 

Otherwise, I'd say that DS is feeling very sensitive, and that you've been talking to him about a visit and trying to get it arranged, but he's not ready. I, personally, wouldn't use the words that he "doesn't want" to see her - because he does, right? But under these circumstances, it's a not good idea? Am I reading that right? So I'd probably say that DS is worried or stressed or otherwise not ready for a visit. I'd say that he thinks of her often, and we talk about her, and keep her in our hearts (if that's true), and that he made x, y, z for her and you'll send it right away. And then I'd send her a boatload of pics.

 

But that's just how we'd handle it. YMMV.

 

FWIW, we have 2 BMs - neither without issues - so I really hear where you're coming from.

He expressed interest in the past, maybe sometime last year. He asked about his parents. Before adoption he had visits with bio mom but he doesn't remember her. He has never met bio dad.

 

When I told him about this possible visit he said he doesn't remember asking about them and he doesn't want to go.

 

AFA bgm, we had a visit scheduled last weekend but she cancelled.

[Spryte]

He expressed interest in the past, maybe sometime last year. He asked about his parents. Before adoption he had visits with bio mom but he doesn't remember her. He has never met bio dad.

 

When I told him about this possible visit he said he doesn't remember asking about them and he doesn't want to go.

 

AFA bgm, we had a visit scheduled last weekend but she cancelled.

It's so hard sometimes. I really like ondreeuh's response above.

 

It's a shame bgm cancelled. :( That would make me rethink visits there, too, if that's a normal MO for her.

[SKL]

My kids don't want to see their birth moms either.  They want to know they are OK, are happy to see photos, but the thought of meeting them is too much.  Not that it's a possibility for us anyway at this time.  Just saying, it is not surprising that a 9yo does not want to meet his birth mom.  It's scary.

[momto10blessings]

I'd gently tell her that since you both want what is best for your son, you don't think that this would be a good time for a visit.

[gardenmom5]

there isn't a gentle way to tell her she can't see the child to which she gave birth - but YOU are the mother and he is YOUR baby boy.  you need to be blunt with her so she "gets" the message.  being "gentle", is too indirect and she's likely to not understand what you say.

 

I will be blunt - she cares more about the drugs than she does him.  fairly typical of addicts.

 

eta: I would also apologize for having contacted her in the first place and getting her hopes up.  now, you know better.

Edited September 4, 2016 by gardenmom5

[SKL]

there isn't a gentle way to tell her she can't see the child to which she gave birth - but YOU are the mother and he is YOUR baby boy.  you need to be blunt with her so she "gets" the message.  being "gentle", is too indirect and she's likely to not understand what you say.

 

I will be blunt - she cares more about the drugs than she does him.  fairly typical of addicts.

 

eta: I would also apologize for having contacted her in the first place and getting her hopes up.  now, you know better.

 

I would be careful of this, though.  I assume this would tip her off that her mom told the adoptive family about her current state of affairs.  It could be damaging to the relationship between her and her mom, and also that between bio grandma and adoptive family.  I would prefer a way that gets the point across without implicating grandma.

 

[Spryte]

I would be careful of this, though. I assume this would tip her off that her mom told the adoptive family about her current state of affairs. It could be damaging to the relationship between her and her mom, and also that between bio grandma and adoptive family. I would prefer a way that gets the point across without implicating grandma.

 

Yes. Completely agree.

[Miss Peregrine]

It's so hard sometimes. I really like ondreeuh's response above.

 

It's a shame bgm cancelled. :( That would make me rethink visits there, too, if that's a normal MO for her.

This is the first time she cancelled, it was the morning of. But it is hard to get her to commit to a time and I initiate all visits.

[Spryte]

This is the first time she cancelled, it was the morning of. But it is hard to get her to commit to a time and I initiate all visits.

Oh good, I'm glad it's not her normal. That wouldn't bother me so much.

 

No idea if this is the case with your situation, but I often find that we have to initiate most visits. We have discussed why that is, with one very open bm, and even though she's very open and self aware, she still needs us to initiate, she needs to feel wanted or needed. I have no clue if that applies to the birth family in your situation, but I often remind myself of it, when dealing with our other child's birthfamily. None of them would ever be able to articulate that need, but thinking that they have it helps me understand why I do all the initiating, and if I slack off - they think we are pulling back, when really - I'm just hoping they'll take the lead once in a while, and reciprocate. But - your situation may be completely different. I just wanted to share what our older child's bm, who is very astute about bm issues, shared with us. Maybe you or someone else will find it helpful, too.

[trulycrabby]

Let her pleas fall on deaf ears. She is an addict; and she gave her baby up for adoption. You are the child's mother. I know you know this; I am just not very patient with a birth parent who signed away all right and are trying to pressure you into a visit.

[gardenmom5]

I would be careful of this, though.  I assume this would tip her off that her mom told the adoptive family about her current state of affairs.  It could be damaging to the relationship between her and her mom, and also that between bio grandma and adoptive family.  I would prefer a way that gets the point across without implicating grandma.

 

 

you misunderstand.  I would only apologize for jumping the gun in having contacted her (because the OP did) and it won't work to get together.  I wouldn't say why.  

 

the other comments were for the OP - not the bio-mom.

[Miss Peregrine]

Let her pleas fall on deaf ears. She is an addict; and she gave her baby up for adoption. You are the child's mother. I know you know this; I am just not very patient with a birth parent who signed away all right and are trying to pressure you into a visit.

It wasn't voluntary.

[TranquilMind]

Can you set up a Skype instead of an in person visit first? That way you can control the situation a little easier. 

 

Meth users may look gaunt, aged and have sores.  They often just look like a person who is sick, so I would just explain it that way to ds.  I would assume that she would have decent hygiene and clean  her self up for the visit so I couldn't imagine it being scary, but you obviously know you son, I don't.  

 

Yeah, this.  Just explain honestly that she hasn't been well. 

 

[Denisemomof4]

Have you considered not making contact until your son initiates it?

 

I would state what SKL recommends but I would leave the last line out. Keeping in contact is too commital. Your son may never want to see them.

[Spryte]

You know, this post stayed with me while I went to the gym.  :)  Earlier, I said that I, personally, wouldn't say that DS didn't want to see BM.  I feel like I should have clarified why I wouldn't do that - even though I think it's perfectly reasonable that someone else would use those words.  I wasn't trying to protect BM's feelings.

 

My DS is one that sort of mis-remembers things.  So he might feel strongly about not wanting do X, but then he'll forget those feelings and focus on where he is in the moment, and conveniently never remember that he said or did something to indicate that he didn't want to do X.  Years later, he'll remember things how he wants to remember them.  He's heading into teen years, so I've seen this play out a bit.  So, in the interest of protecting myself - I just file away that he doesn't want to do X right now, but maybe in the future.  

 

When communicating with his birthfamily, I know (because we share a lot) that they save every communication, that it plays over and over in their minds.  So if I told them, "he doesn't want to see you," I know that it would stick with them - forever.  And someday, because they have a good relationship with DS - I fully expect them to share all of their massive amounts of communication with DS.  He'll be an adult by then, I'm sure, but possibly a young one.  And I don't want him to come back to me and say, "You told them I didn't want to see them!  That wasn't true!"  I guess I'm trying to filter what I share with them into only the kind things, that will be helpful to forging a relationship with them now and in the future.  And maybe protecting myself from backlash, too.  :)

 

None of that applies to OP.  Or an addict.  Or an involuntary adoption.  Ours was a totally different scenario.  

 

Still worth sharing, maybe, so others can see what open adoption looks like.  But not the same as OP's situation or international adoption, etc.  Just different.

[Denisemomof4]

That's actually a very good point, Spryte. I don't think it shoukd ever be that the child doesn't want to see them, but maybe that now is not a good time. How to word that after already opening that door is another issue.

 

The sad thing is that it doesn't even appear that the grandmother is very committed to the child. I hope I am wrong.

[TranquilMind]

I would be careful of this, though.  I assume this would tip her off that her mom told the adoptive family about her current state of affairs.  It could be damaging to the relationship between her and her mom, and also that between bio grandma and adoptive family.  I would prefer a way that gets the point across without implicating grandma.

 

 

Yes, do not cut off your source of information. 

 

[trulycrabby]

Hello again, your post stayed with me through the lake and skiing. Please don't be hard on yourself because you reached out to your child's biomom. You were trying to do the right thing, and it is okay that ds does not want to see her at this time. I just wanted to reach ourt and give you a virtual hug because these things are just so difficult. :grouphug:

[Miss Peregrine]

Bgm has her own issues and it is painful for her to see him. She wants to, but like I said, has a hard time committing and following through on setting up a time. In 6 years, she has seen him 3 times.

 

I am going to let biomom know that he is just not ready at this time but that I will be happy to send pics.

I don't expect a positive response as this whole thing has always been about her, but I will try.

[Miss Peregrine]

You know, this post stayed with me while I went to the gym. :) Earlier, I said that I, personally, wouldn't say that DS didn't want to see BM. I feel like I should have clarified why I wouldn't do that - even though I think it's perfectly reasonable that someone else would use those words. I wasn't trying to protect BM's feelings.

 

My DS is one that sort of mis-remembers things. So he might feel strongly about not wanting do X, but then he'll forget those feelings and focus on where he is in the moment, and conveniently never remember that he said or did something to indicate that he didn't want to do X. Years later, he'll remember things how he wants to remember them. He's heading into teen years, so I've seen this play out a bit. So, in the interest of protecting myself - I just file away that he doesn't want to do X right now, but maybe in the future.

 

When communicating with his birthfamily, I know (because we share a lot) that they save every communication, that it plays over and over in their minds. So if I told them, "he doesn't want to see you," I know that it would stick with them - forever. And someday, because they have a good relationship with DS - I fully expect them to share all of their massive amounts of communication with DS. He'll be an adult by then, I'm sure, but possibly a young one. And I don't want him to come back to me and say, "You told them I didn't want to see them! That wasn't true!" I guess I'm trying to filter what I share with them into only the kind things, that will be helpful to forging a relationship with them now and in the future. And maybe protecting myself from backlash, too. :)

 

None of that applies to OP. Or an addict. Or an involuntary adoption. Ours was a totally different scenario.

 

Still worth sharing, maybe, so others can see what open adoption looks like. But not the same as OP's situation or international adoption, etc. Just different.

This makes sense. Had I not waited a year to reach out after ds asked about her, it might have been different.

[Miss Peregrine]

Ok, I sent it. I used your words(more or less)Spryte.

[Spryte]

Let us know how it goes. My stomach is churning a bit for you.

[idnib]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Miss Peregrine]

Let us know how it goes. My stomach is churning a bit for you.

She seems to only message about once a week and she sends me a new cell # each time. I don't think she has phone access all the time? I don't know.

[Miss Peregrine]

She read the message a few days ago but has not responded, except to "poke" me on FB. I dont even know what that means, lol. We are not friends, though she has requested me.