How Much Do You Force Teens to Hang Out With Older Adults?

[fairfarmhand]

My oldest two are past the age for loving to visit older relatives because of cookies and special treats that the older relatives offer.

 

I understand that there is value in cultivating the relationships with grandparents and older relatives for teens. But what if the older people enjoy the visits, just seeing the teens, but don't really interact much with those teens?

 

We have several older relatives who enjoy spoiling the kids with special treats and watching them play. But when it comes time to converse, it's at an awkward place. Those relatives don't have much in common as far as interests go, their lives and view points are so drastically different from those of us and my teens.

 

So how much should I force the issue? I don't want the kids to resent visits. But I also know that it's important to the relatives to see their younger relations and I know the kids may one day wish they had more time with these people.

Edited August 11, 2016 by fairfarmhand

[Scarlett]

I have this issue with my 16 year old right now. Very difficult. Don't know the answer. I just try to be balanced about it.

[magnificent_baby]

In that case, I would visit with them to help the conversation flow easier. It sounds like they are nice people and appreciate your kids. 

 

In my case, I didn't force DD to stay for a week with relatives that were snippy with all my kids the last time they were there. She didn't want to and I don't blame her. 

[luuknam]

My parents allowed me to bring a book. I wasn't supposed to spend the *entire* time reading, but if the adults were talking about boring stuff and not interacting with me, it was fine for me to just sit and read.

[catz]

Mandatory events are holidays, birthdays, special family get together.

 

If my kids have something on their calendar (which is quite full) I don't make them skip or cancel stuff to do relative stuff.  If they do come, I do let them bring technology or books or crafts or whatever.  LOL - heck most of the time I bring knitting to pass the time because these family get togethers where we all sit around and look at each other and talk about nothing about drive me around the bend as well.  ;)

[MysteryJen]

Mandatory if they travelled a long way to see family. Otherwise, it depends on the schedule. I try to be sensitive, but it is important for teens to see beyond themselves.

 

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[mamiof5]

Our oldest usually had something to share...piano playing, a project she was working on etc. Just a little something to get some conversation/interaction going.

 

Can you find something they can do together while visiting? Work on a puzzle, a game of charades, bingo, Scrabble? Just something to help with some interaction?

[kewb]

We force it a bit. Holidays and birthdays are mandatory. Informal get togethers are a mix of mandatory and you get to do what you want. Teens can bring a book/electronics/project for when the adult conversation is just too much. However, they must spend time with the older relative not just stare at their phone the entire time.

[marbel]

We just finished a visit with my in-laws; we see them about once a year.  It is always a struggle for my kids.  I think this may have been the last time my son goes to see them.  

 

I think kids should spend time with older relatives.  But, I think the older relatives have to make an effort to be interesting to be around.  If my in-laws were like Margaret in CO's folks, we'd be great.  But they sit around and talk about the most boring stuff.  Family stories would be wonderful! Once in a blue moon we get one of those. But  mostly they just gossip about random people that we don't know, or maybe people my husband has some vague memory of from childhood.    Even with specific questions, if they don't want to talk about something, they just veer off onto something else, like complaining about the new football coach at their alma mater.   They show very little interest in our kids' activities so even if their dad or I bring something up, that conversation dies quickly. 

 

I know it's not right to whine about old people being boring, but they don't have to be.  They don't have to be grumpy, and negative, and complain about every little thing. 

 

I've actually been giving a lot of thought the past few days, ever since our trip, on how to take steps to ensure I don't turn out that way when I'm their age (just 20 years from now!). 

 

ETA: I am not talking about older people with dementia, or other illnesses that make it difficult for them to be interesting or take much interest in others.  That would be completely different.

Edited August 11, 2016 by marbel

[Guest]

In our family we have some veeeery boring grandparents, though most have passed away now. When I was growing up the kids would chat together and answer questions of the older members as needed but we tended to just listen to the adult conversation. Husband's family encouraged things like hand crafts or games with everyone to pass the time and keep it from being too awkward, with varying success.

[Guest]

Zero. We cannot get the elder to converse with anyone but her own child if at elder's house, so we dont force the kids to come. At our house, we will get a board game out and force interaction with all.

[Jean in Newcastle]

The first part of the visit is spent asking the teens to tell the older adults the highlights of what the kids have been up to.  We like to take pictures with us for that purpose.  Then once that is over, I put my kids to work.  They like doing some odd jobs for the grandparents or walking the dog etc.  Or we will bring a game for the kids to play in the vicinity of the adults.  I keep visits short (about a half hour to an hour) if possible unless there is more going on like a specific meal etc.