kewb Posted July 2, 2016 Share Posted July 2, 2016 My mother in law is a good person. She loves her family. She would do anything she could for them. Or at least some of them. But.... She drives me nuts with her high maintenance needs. She is the center of her universe. What she wants. When she wants it. We live about two hours away so we don't see them all the time. Right now she is making me nuts. My dh has some stuff stored at her house. She wants it out. I get that. But the minivan needs a repair that makes it okay for local driving. Not okay for hauling boxes on a 4 hour round trip. They came out to visit us a few weeks ago for dd's birthday but really to bring some of the boxes. When here I got 5 hours of the usual digs at my parenting, homeschooling, etc. Whatever. Along with a "when will you be fixing the van." To which I replied sweetly with "as soon as I have $$$ with nothing else to do." Visit ended. I am happy to don't have to see her for awhile. She calls yesterday because she wants to come with the rest of the boxes one day next week. In itself this is not unreasonable. However, dd is in a cast because of an ankle fracture. Dh is disabled. And ds is working. Which means I get to haul all the boxes into the basement. FIL won't be able to help because he will have hurt his back loading the boxes into the car in the first place I want to say no but I can't I will have to suck it up and provide dinner for them. So I am whining about it. My mil can be a total pita. Silver lining. Won't have to see them for awhile after this visit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lawana Posted July 2, 2016 Share Posted July 2, 2016 Can you not stack the boxes and wait for ds to come home? That is what I would do 19 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 2, 2016 Share Posted July 2, 2016 Hey I think your mother in law might be related to my mother?? Does she have a Texas accent? :) I'm very sorry you have to deal with it. It's not fun. I just try to look at things like that as ripping off the bandaid and getting it over with so I wouldn't have to see her anytime soon again or hear about it on every single phone call. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted July 2, 2016 Share Posted July 2, 2016 Get a dolly. You can rent them from Home Depot or Lowes. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MotherGoose Posted July 2, 2016 Share Posted July 2, 2016 I think we are related to the same person. No I don't care how you like your coffee or eggs or AC temp or when you plan to do the dishes when I'm in your home, it's my way, all the time, no matter where I am. Even as a guest in your home, it's MY way. I found some fabulous excuses to return home with kids from vacation early. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted July 2, 2016 Author Share Posted July 2, 2016 Yes, I can stock the boxes and wait for ds to get off from work. I may do that. Thank you. Really I am irritated by her inviting herself over when it is convenient for her with no understanding that it may not be convenient for me. If dd wasn't in a cast I would probably not be as annoyed as I am right now. One day I wish I could tell her what I was really thinking. But I won't because that would not be the adult thing to do. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 2, 2016 Share Posted July 2, 2016 Really I am irritated by her inviting herself over when it is convenient for her with no understanding that it may not be convenient for me. If dd wasn't in a cast I would probably not be as annoyed as I am right now. One day I wish I could tell her what I was really thinking. But I won't because that would not be the adult thing to do. I think I know how you feel. It's so frustrating and it always feels like it's on you to be the accommodating party. I actually went and saw a therapist simply to figure how to handle the situation better. Her advice was to stop taking any crap and simply call my mom out on the attitude. She did not get why that wasn't going to fly in a zillion billion years. It's easy to tell someone to do it, it's not so easy to live with the consequences! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Verity Posted July 2, 2016 Share Posted July 2, 2016 (edited) I have another difficult MIL here, dh is her only child and furthermore he was raised by his father and step-mother, MIL only had him every other weekend. But she still thinks she knows it all, how to raise kids, what I should do ... She lived with us for 10 (?) months a while back and finally I had to tell my husband that she had to move and if he had a problem with it he could get an apartment with her and was welcome to see the kids whenever he wanted. Couldnottakeitanymore! We never threaten stuff like that but I didn't know what else to do at that point. She cried every time he brought up the not getting along and her needing to move (she planned to stay a month or two until she found a job, but she was too good for the only kinds of jobs she qualified for). Anyway, she left behind tons of boxes when she left and I had to be on the receiving end of her deciding whenever she would/could drive down to get them. I just made plans with the kids and smiled in passing as we left. I don't go out of my way to start fights but I simply choose not to be involved in her drama. I've tried talking to her and she truly doesn't understand what my problem is. Taking care of myself means that I have chosen to avoid her whenever I can. I encourage my husband to visit with her occasionally, take her out to dinner, buy holiday cards and even let her have the kids now and then (which we have to finance because she is living on the results of poor life choices), but that's what I can live with myself. Hang in there and good luck getting your boxes in the house without killing anyone! Edited July 2, 2016 by Verity 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MotherGoose Posted July 2, 2016 Share Posted July 2, 2016 I have another difficult MIL here, dh is her only child and furthermore he was raised by his father and step-mother, MIL only had him every other weekend. But she still thinks she knows it all, how to raise kids, what I should do ... She lived with us for 10 (?) months a while back and finally I had to tell my husband that she had to move and if he had a problem with it he could get an apartment with her and was welcome to see the kids whenever he wanted. Couldnottakeitanymore! We never threaten stuff like that but I didn't know what else to do at that point. She cried every time he brought up the not getting along and her needing to move (she planned to stay a month or two until she found a job, but she was too good for the only kinds of jobs she qualified for). Anyway, she left behind tons of boxes when she left and I had to be on the receiving end of her deciding whenever she would/could drive down to get them. I just made plans with the kids and smiled in passing as we left. I don't go out of my way to start fights but I simply choose not to be involved in her drama. I've tried talking to her and she truly doesn't understand what my problem is. Taking care of myself means that I have chosen to avoid her whenever I can. I encourage my husband to visit with her occasionally, take her out to dinner, buy holiday cards and even let her have the kids now and then (which we have to finance because she is living on the results of poor life choices), but that's what I can live with myself. Hang in there and good luck getting your boxes in the house without killing anyone! 10 months?!? Bless you. I couldn't do ten days!! And not to bash DH, because I've told him this and I do think he may actually agree, she brings out the worst behaviors in HIM. Reliving childhood patterns. He's a different person. It's to the point I can say, after random bad behaviors, "have u been talking to yr parents? " and he's amazed that I know based on his behavior. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted July 7, 2016 Author Share Posted July 7, 2016 (edited) The band aid has been ripped off. They ended up stuck in traffic and didn't get here until 4:30 and they left at 8:30. Stupid boxes are here. I twisted my ankle and ended up seeing my podiatrist. Nothing broken. Inflamed joint. Prescription for an anti inflammatory. And it got me out of the house for an hour while in-laws were here. The pain is worth it. It should be a few months before we need to see them again. Sigh of contentment. Edited July 7, 2016 by kewb 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 My mother in law is a good person. She loves her family. She would do anything she could for them. Or at least some of them. But.... She drives me nuts with her high maintenance needs. She is the center of her universe. What she wants. When she wants it. We live about two hours away so we don't see them all the time. Right now she is making me nuts. My dh has some stuff stored at her house. She wants it out. I get that. But the minivan needs a repair that makes it okay for local driving. Not okay for hauling boxes on a 4 hour round trip. They came out to visit us a few weeks ago for dd's birthday but really to bring some of the boxes. When here I got 5 hours of the usual digs at my parenting, homeschooling, etc. Whatever. Along with a "when will you be fixing the van." To which I replied sweetly with "as soon as I have $$$ with nothing else to do." Visit ended. I am happy to don't have to see her for awhile. She calls yesterday because she wants to come with the rest of the boxes one day next week. In itself this is not unreasonable. However, dd is in a cast because of an ankle fracture. Dh is disabled. And ds is working. Which means I get to haul all the boxes into the basement. FIL won't be able to help because he will have hurt his back loading the boxes into the car in the first place I want to say no but I can't I will have to suck it up and provide dinner for them. So I am whining about it. My mil can be a total pita. Silver lining. Won't have to see them for awhile after this visit. I'm having trouble reconciling "is a good person and loves her family" with ""5 hours of the usual digs". she's bringing all the boxes so you don't have to spend the money to fix your van for a 4 hour round trip. if that will be the last of the boxes, thank her -as then you will no longer be hearing queries of "when are you . . . ". for dinner - as a take on the bbq thread, toss a pork butt into a slow cooker and make pulled pork sandwiches. some coleslaw, maybe potato salad or baked beans. . . easy. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 The band aid has been ripped off. They ended up stuck in traffic and didn't get here until 4:30 and they left at 8:30. Stupid boxes are here. I twisted my ankle and ended up seeing my podiatrist. Nothing broken. Inflamed joint. Prescription for an anti inflammatory. And it got me out of the house for an hour while in-laws were here. The pain is worth it. It should be a few months before we need to see them again. Sigh of contentment. So glad it's over! Hope your ankle heals quickly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted July 7, 2016 Author Share Posted July 7, 2016 I'm having trouble reconciling "is a good person and loves her family" with ""5 hours of the usual digs". she's bringing all the boxes so you don't have to spend the money to fix your van for a 4 hour round trip. if that will be the last of the boxes, thank her -as then you will no longer be hearing queries of "when are you . . . ". I should rephrase as anything for her daughters and her favorite children-brother in law and other sisters boyfriend. They are perfect. We are kind of treated like the red headed step children. Which is fine by us. Her help comes with strings. Dh informed me after they left that she did mention there is one more box. Fine. We will pick it up when we see her for Chanukah. As she made it clear that she probably would not see us again before we take ds to college. Fine by me. Dinner was take out pizza. Done. As easy as a crock pot meal would have been it was more work then I wanted to put into it. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 (edited) I think I know how you feel. It's so frustrating and it always feels like it's on you to be the accommodating party. I actually went and saw a therapist simply to figure how to handle the situation better. Her advice was to stop taking any crap and simply call my mom out on the attitude. She did not get why that wasn't going to fly in a zillion billion years. It's easy to tell someone to do it, it's not so easy to live with the consequences! a therapist who has only read the book about toxic people . . doesnt' have one as a parent. I have another difficult MIL here, dh is her only child and furthermore he was raised by his father and step-mother, MIL only had him every other weekend. But she still thinks she knows it all, how to raise kids, what I should do ... She lived with us for 10 (?) months a while back and finally I had to tell my husband that she had to move and if he had a problem with it he could get an apartment with her and was welcome to see the kids whenever he wanted. Couldnottakeitanymore! We never threaten stuff like that but I didn't know what else to do at that point. She cried every time he brought up the not getting along and her needing to move (she planned to stay a month or two until she found a job, but she was too good for the only kinds of jobs she qualified for). Anyway, she left behind tons of boxes when she left and I had to be on the receiving end of her deciding whenever she would/could drive down to get them. I just made plans with the kids and smiled in passing as we left. I don't go out of my way to start fights but I simply choose not to be involved in her drama. I've tried talking to her and she truly doesn't understand what my problem is. Taking care of myself means that I have chosen to avoid her whenever I can. I encourage my husband to visit with her occasionally, take her out to dinner, buy holiday cards and even let her have the kids now and then (which we have to finance because she is living on the results of poor life choices), but that's what I can live with myself. Hang in there and good luck getting your boxes in the house without killing anyone! you just described my life with mil. including the boxes. she lived with us for 10 -11 months until she left to go care for her divorced brother prior to his death. even after getting a phone call she'd arrived at sil's house - six hours away - I kept expecting her to walk in the door "oh, I forgot. . . . ". and the boxes!!! I'd heard tales about how she cleaned out her purse. . . I seriously thought it was an exaggeration. she takes her purse, dumps the contents in a towel, puts it in a bag, puts it in a box, puts it in another box, puts it in the closet. I found box after box after box. the bedroom she was in was floor to ceiling boxes - (there were more in the basement.) the room was a mess. I had a shoebox full of pens and pencils. FULL. I was cleaning out that room for weeks. we moved shortly afterwards - and the movers moved all her carp too. (dh's employer paid to move us. both times) he spent lots of time going through her carp . . .a year later, a metric TON lighter. dear niece is learning. mil's living with sil- and pays her. (her dds are not happy with the arrangement.) for me, no amount of money is enough. I commented to dn that $1M wasn't enough. she added "a day". eta: I did have the epiphany mil doesn't "get" how she comes across to other people, and a very strong impression she has a broken brain and is incapable of "getting" how she comes across to other people. as incapable of someone physically disabled overcoming their disability. Edited July 7, 2016 by gardenmom5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 I should rephrase as anything for her daughters and her favorite children-brother in law and other sisters boyfriend. They are perfect. We are kind of treated like the red headed step children. Which is fine by us. Her help comes with strings. my grandmother and mil both "seem" like they had/have favorites. (and great big honkin' chains attached to anything they did, and all the glory go to them). I'd rather be the outcast. I've seen how twisted their interactions were/are with their "favorites", and the damaging effects it has upon them. my sister is screwed up. my mother was completely broken. mil's favorite dd shows signs of npd too. the best thing sil's favorite dd did, was to move away from her for a few years. they are not generally "perfect", but leave warped and twisted damage in their wake. mil is 91, and we joke she's too ornery to die. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 (edited) nm Edited July 9, 2016 by ~ d9n 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 :grouphug: Hope the ankle heals quickly. I was reading through the thread, but missed the opportunity to respond before you posted the conclusion. My mil is a pita...not the pocket kind. Reading threads with others dealing with mil's who are such sweethearts makes me feel better. Ya'll get it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 :lol: Snort...I thought you meant the kind to stick pins into. Get a dolly. You can rent them from Home Depot or Lowes. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted July 7, 2016 Author Share Posted July 7, 2016 What makes my ankle injury even funnier is that both my dd and dh sent me texts accusing me of lying so I could get out of the house. Which is not a totally unreasonable thought but not true this time. To everyone dealing with pain in the rear in-laws: May your visits be infrequent and short. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 What makes my ankle injury even funnier is that both my dd and dh sent me texts accusing me of lying so I could get out of the house. Which is not a totally unreasonable thought but not true this time. To everyone dealing with pain in the rear in-laws: May your visits be infrequent and short. just ... . wow.. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted July 7, 2016 Share Posted July 7, 2016 Tell her to burn that last box. Whatever is in it can't be worth it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted July 7, 2016 Author Share Posted July 7, 2016 just ... . wow.. Lying in a funny, good for you for figuring out how to get out of here way. Not in a malicious way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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