If an elderly parent lives with you

[Laura Corin]

Do you do everything together?  If not, how do you make breathing space for everyone.  Nuclear-family-only meals?  Other routines?  

 

Mum is with us for the long term, and I need help.

 

Thanks.

[Rosie_0801]

My brother lives with our mother when he's home. (He works in the city four days out of every eight.) They behave more or less like housemates, but with the benefit of extra help like him driving to appointments or her cooking dinner when he's out late.

 

My grandmother lived with one of my aunts until recently. That went down the plug hole because my grandmother has always been a stickybeak and that aunt her favourite child, so followed her around the house whenever she was home and listened at doors. Mostly that was a lack of manners, but it was exacerbated by anxiety that came with early dementia. If she had had sufficient manners and not behaved as though she was agoraphobic, they would have been ok enough. They usually left her at home when they went on holidays.

[Lawana]

My MIL lived with us for 11 years until she died 3 years ago. She ate dinner with us the first week, then said she would rather eat on her own. Because of the personalities of the three adults and the nature of the relationship between dh and MIL, the only way the living arrangement worked was because of the layout of the house. We have a split foyer house in which my nuclear family occupied the upper level (3 bedrooms, 2 baths, main living areas) and MIL occupied a portion of the lower level (bedroom, bath, sitting room with refrigerator, microwave, hot plate). She came upstairs only rarely for holiday meals, etc. We were downstairs more frequently: dh tended to walk through the sitting room on the way to his study, and the kids went down to spend time with her, but for the most part we lived separate lives.

 

She occasionally joined us for recitals or other events, but her mobility was pretty limited.

 

I don't think any of us would have tolerated a more overlapping lifestyle.

[eternalsummer]

My mom lives with us but she is in her late 60s, not elderly really (she is also very spry, so definitely not elderly).  She joins us for some things and not others; we are all pretty fluid so any activity might have any combination of the people in the house participating.  Having very young children makes it easier in a way as they aren't self=conscious about anything.

[Pippen]

My aunt and uncle built a "mother-in-law" apartment on the side of their house when my grandfather lived with them long-term. It was very small, but I believe it had one bedroom, a TV area with a two person dining table,a  bathroom, and a galley kitchen. It gave the family some space, gave him some privacy and dignity, but also allowed for the company and care that he needed at that point in his life. Their meal arrangement as long as he was able was that he eat dinner with them, and then handle breakfast and lunch himself. 

[katilac]

If it kind of just started out as doing most things together, you might want to plan some specific activities that she can't do or won't be interested in, in order to break the pattern. 

 

Once  you break the pattern and have several weeks in a row of the nuclear family doing things on their own, it will seem much more natural to continue, inviting her to some activities that she would enjoy and not inviting her to others. 

 

That works for getting out of the house. In the house, it's tough, tough, tough if the older person wants to sit in on everything. Each person can go to their own room for a break, but if the older person (or anyone who moves in) never does this, it can be hard to enjoy the common areas and carry on as usual. 

 

 I don't know how to gracefully address that. Do you have a council on aging or similar organization where you live? I know that ours will give advice and help work through these situations. They've dealt with everything before, and may have good advice on how to word things and come up with a workable arrangement. 

 

My grandmother lived with my parents for a long time. I know it can be very stressful. I hope you come up with some coping strategies. 

[anneinco]

My MIL lives with us but she requires 24/7 care so that might be a little different. We weren't a eat together as a family family to start, even though I would like to, so that doesn't affect us. At times she and my daughter will eat at the table together if their meal times happen to fall together. MIL would be happy to eat in her room but having her come out to eat, not only gets her out of her room but also helps her keep moving.

 

She is content to stay in her room most of the day, rotating between reading (can't anymore due to recent eye trouble), TV, and naps. I tried for a while to encourage her to be with us but it didn't work.

 

Outings are what are tough on me. We have yet to find a caregiver so she is pretty much with me if I am out of the house unless my husband tends to be home. She gets disappointed in the mornings if I say we aren't going anywhere (and usually the fact I have no where to be is a blessing for me), or she is disappointed if my husband is home and I go other my daughter and MIL realizes she is missing out

 

Time by yourselves will be so very important.

[PrincessMommy]

My MIL lived with us for 11 years until she died 3 years ago. She ate dinner with us the first week, then said she would rather eat on her own. Because of the personalities of the three adults and the nature of the relationship between dh and MIL, the only way the living arrangement worked was because of the layout of the house. We have a split foyer house in which my nuclear family occupied the upper level (3 bedrooms, 2 baths, main living areas) and MIL occupied a portion of the lower level (bedroom, bath, sitting room with refrigerator, microwave, hot plate). She came upstairs only rarely for holiday meals, etc. We were downstairs more frequently: dh tended to walk through the sitting room on the way to his study, and the kids went down to spend time with her, but for the most part we lived separate lives.

 

She occasionally joined us for recitals or other events, but her mobility was pretty limited.

 

I don't think any of us would have tolerated a more overlapping lifestyle.

 

This sounds very similar to the set up we had when my parents lived with us.  However, they had a basement apartment with a full kitchen.  My parents were in the 60s and pretty self-sufficient at that time.

 

I would personally have a hard time with a parent living and eating with me every day/all day unless they were very frail and sick. 

 

Laura, I think you need to set up some ground rules.  Maybe give you mom some heads up that you'd like to discuss expectations with the living arrangements so she can also get some time to think about what she wants.  You mentioned how she is basically unhappy, so she may want to be by herself too.   Also, commit to re-evaluating again after 3-6 months in case something isn't working. 

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Melissa in Australia]

do you have respite services in Scotland?

 I worked in in-home-aged-care. I would occasionally do respite for aged relatives. This may include checking on them daily while relatives have a holiday, taking the aged relative out for a few hours ( supposedly shopping) taking aged person to medical appointments. In our area we also have day activities ( I thin once a week) where the aged person would be picked up form home and taken out for the day. they might go on a scenic trip, or to a performance, or a cards day, or even just afternoon tea. All things that assist the aged person to have something to look forward to and help reduce depression as well as give the caregivers a break.

[redsquirrel]

Does it count if it was my grandfather and I was a teenager?

 

He was just one of the family.  He ate all meals with us, but there were four kids and my mom, so what was he going to do? Eat somewhere else?

 

My mom got him breakfast and left him a lunch and he ate dinner with us.  We were all gone at school/work. He wasn't well, but I remember thinking he must have been lonely all by himself all day. I don't know if he was.  At some point he couldn't be left alone and my mom had to hire a nurse.  She is a nurse, but she had to go to work. 

 

So, he ate with us, my mom would often take him with her when she ran errands, but not always. We certainly never went anywhere like a restaurant without also having him along. But we didn't go to many of those. And it never came up, but we would have brought him on any trips as well. He couldn't stay by himself that long. But, of course we didn't go anywhere for years and years. It would have been too much for him.