Music moms and teachers, help please! Lesson anxiety

[maize]

One of my children seems to suffer from debilitating lesson anxiety, and I'm not sure what to do about it. This has been going on for several years now; we've tried changing teachers and switching instruments, but the problem keeps resurfacing.

 

Basically, this is a kid who wants wants to play music, does just fine practicing at home, but freezes during lessons. He will literally sit unresponsive through a half hour lesson, maybe finally managing to play a song in the last five minutes. It is like selectively mutism applied to music.

 

Has anyone ever had a child like this? He was crying today because he wants start cello lessons again and I've been dragging my feet in getting him set up with a teacher because I really cannot afford to pay for lessons at which nothing happens :(

[aaplank]

I have a daughter like this. Her teachers would be upset thinking she didn't practice, which was so not true. She just froze up and could barely play because she was so nervous during lessons. During the week without the teacher, she'd play beautifully. I finally went with online lessons. It's not ideal, but I feel like I'm getting my money's worth and she's able to progress without any anxiety.

[Dmmetler]

Find another teacher. Someone a lot more relaxed, low key, and who is good at working with kids. Someone who teaches a lot of young students or kids with special needs will be better at involving kids off the piano and building to it.

 

I had a piano teacher for years who filled me with such anxiety about making mistakes that it took almost 2 years of college with an amazing instructor (Julliard trained, but FAR more relaxed than the church organist I'd been taking from) and got me to enjoy playing again. I was so stressed about making a mistake that, as he said, I'd never be able to cope with it musically because being a musician means making a lot of mistakes.

 

In 20/20 hindsight, both my parents and I regret that I stayed with that teacher so long.

[kalusignan]

Do you know why your dc doesn't want to play at lessons? Sounds like perfectionism combined with shyness? I was like that as a child during lessons, and thankfully had a teacher who played along with me for a lot of my lessons. She played with me, gave feedback, we played together again, and then occasionally had me play by myself when she could tell I was comfortable. I eventually (over years and years) became very comfortable during lessons and performing at a high level, so it's not a crutch at all if the teacher knows what she/he is doing.

 

It might just take finding the right teacher, but I would definitely try figuring out the 'why' as well.

[AdventuresinHomeschooling]

My son started out as an outgoing, gregarious child who loved to perform.  He then got horrible stage fright around second or third grade.  He is fine in lessons, but could never perform on stage.  However, we put him in choir this year, and he loves it.  He still gets a bit nervous in performances, but he works through it because of the group setting.  He is learning that not participating makes him stand out more and makes his choir look bad.  The group dynamic helps him, but only after a lot of gentle coaxing and discussion.  

 

I don't have easy answers, but I sympathize.  I would try to find out if it is the teacher making him nervous.  Sit with him or do whatever it takes to build a relationship with that teacher so he is not nervous around him.  Maybe they can play together so he doesn't feel he is being watched or critiqued the same way.  Relationship is key here, I think.  Something makes him uncomfortable.  Would he feel more or less comfortable in a group lesson or band?  

 

Online would be the other option.

[Moonhawk]

Okay, so changing teachers and instruments doesn't seem to help, so it doesn't seem linked to a teacher or technique.  Does this happen in other social situations, or if they have other tutors/instructors?  Until you figure out the reason, let's see if we can stop the bleeding. 

 

Some ideas:

- talk to your teacher and let them know this is an ongoing problem.  They may have techniques they have used in the past, or at least they can let you know if this won't work for them.

- if the lessons are taking place in your house, have kid sit down and start playing before the teacher comes in, just a few seconds or minutes, and see how quickly they change even though the lesson hasn't started.  At least the teacher can hear outside the door that they are playing, if nothing else.

- video your last practice at home, take that to the teacher if the silence stretches too long.  or send to them the day before so they can review and know where the kid is at at the beginning of the lesson; even if the kid does not play, the teacher is not shooting in the dark with what they talk about at the start of the lesson.  See if they would be okay with this ?

- get a longer lesson slot (alas, more money).  If the kid warms up at 25 out of 45 minutes, that is a lot better than 25 out of 30 minutes in terms of getting work done.  Obviously we want to get that 25 minute number down, but maybe more positive experiences at the lesson, more than just 5 minutes, will help towards that.  Maybe even a 1.5 hour lesson 2x a month instead of every week.

- do speech exercises before the lesson, "the tip of the tongue, the teeth the lips" etc, and have a planned greeting they need to say at the beginning.  Not just a "hi" but a "Hello Miz Lemon, today has wonderful weather". Totally scripted.  See if they can spit it out or if the freeze takes over too quickly.  (this may backfire depending on personality)

- Bribery.  Something big that can be scaled down as it is no longer necessary, but that can be repeated as long as needed. 

 

Hope this helps! Let us know if you find something that helps; I think most kids go through this from time to time so more ideas are always helpful. :)

[Arcadia]

What instruments have you tried? Have you tried piano? With cello the child looks at the score but still can see the teacher. If your son has performance anxiety, then being able to see the audience makes it harder. With piano, it is easier to ignore the teacher nearby while playing as long as the teacher is not criticizing.

 

We changed cello teachers a few weeks ago because the previous one made DS10 felt demoralized and made DS11 lose interest. The current teacher is more calming and professional, a better fit than the previous for DS11. My DS10 is back to flute with his previous group flute teacher but taking individual lessons now. His flute teacher stand by his side and s little behind so she is not in his line of sight. It helps my anxious DS10 a lot.

[wintermom]

I remember being very nervous playing for my piano teacher when I was young. I also hated playing on a stage; in-home recitals were MUCH easier.

 

My 4 dc do not seem to have the same fears for several reasons:

 

- I've been with them in their violin and guitar lessons from day 1 and every day

- Their teachers have been playing with them in their lessons from the beginning

- They've been playing in group classes since they started their instrument

- They've performed with accompanists or a group since they started

- They've been doing at least 4 performances a year since they started

 

Piano can be such a solo instrument, both in lessons and during recitals. All the pressure and focus is on a single person. Music lessons for any instrument that are conducted like a "traditional" piano lesson, with the parent not included in the lesson, the teacher never playing together with the child, and no group classes, may not be the best way to instill while confidence playing for all children - it sure didn't for me. It wasn't until I played piano with a group at church regularly, that my anxiety diminished.

Edited May 6, 2016 by wintermom

[basketcase]

How does a group situation go? I'm thinking more about playing in an orchestra rather than group lessons, although that could work as well. I know that's not a possibility for everyone, but we have an awesome orchestra for young players available to us in our area. One of our friends did orchestra only one year - lessons had become stressful, so she just practiced her orchestra pieces for a year, and then she happened to find a teacher she's comfortable with through that group. She's progressing nicely now. 

 

I also think online lessons would be worth a try. And I'd set parameters about what your son needs to do in order to continue with lessons. Not as a punishment, but just to set his expectations up properly. If you wanted to go that route, I'd have him skype a grandparent and have a pretend lesson a couple of times to let him try out what that would be like. Then I would interview possible online teachers together with your son. Anything you can do to start him out feeling in control of the situation.

 

Or do some counseling. Or try choir. Or just give yourself permission to say no. I'm a huge fan of music instruction, but this sounds painful for your child. I fully understand why you're hesitant to start lessons on an instrument again!

[musicianmom]

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Edited May 21, 2022 by musicianmom