Wedding Question

[QueenCat]

I can tell from the responses that length of time celebrating varies. I would guess the longer someone is tied up with the wedding festivities, the hungrier they will be lol. If you had to drive from out of town or the service was long or you had to drive from location A (wedding) to location B (reception) -- I imagine all those things could potentially influence decisions on food. Religion or culture can influence length of service. Seems like the ones on TV are 5 minutes long lol. But if you had to drive a ways, stay for a long service, possibly drive to a venue for the reception and already spent money on travel expenses... you might want a meal and your hosts and/or members of the wedding party you know might feel they owe it to you to provide a meal. I can get why there would be pressure to supply one even if it's not ideal financially.

 

Oye, I don't feel like I'm "owed" when I attend out of town weddings. It's just been the norm, that weddings are more than just the ceremony. They are a time for the families and friends to celebrate, reunite, connect with new family, etc. But no one feels "owed".

[QueenCat]

No, that's not normal. That's insane and wasteful. I can't even wrap my brain around needing a wedding so formal and large that it tops the cost of a fair number of cars.

 

Maybe I'm just cheap.

 

Well, I wouldn't forgo having saved for others things like education and retirement to put on a wedding but many of the closer to 20k weddings I've been to haven't been super formal or luxurious......... it was more about the large numbers as people include their families and friends, and truly don't want to leave anyone out. It's really difficult when most are coming from out of town for people to contribute food and such, so catering is a big part of the cost. Plus, we really like to see the families visiting and not behind the scenes working during the actual event, if at all possible. I have been to a couple of weddings where the families did do the cooking prep but then hired people for the actual event so they could relax and enjoy the festivities, which can be a nice happy medium for some.

[heartlikealion]

Oye, I don't feel like I'm "owed" when I attend out of town weddings. It's just been the norm, that weddings are more than just the ceremony. They are a time for the families and friends to celebrate, reunite, connect with new family, etc. But no one feels "owed".

 

Hmm maybe I had a poor choice of words. Regardless, I'm sure there are a range of expectations and some would feel an expectation to be fed more than dessert, depending on how much time has passed since their last meal. Maybe they can't even eat the dessert. A couple of people in my family are hypoglycemic so maybe I'm more prone to need food sooner than others. And yes, I could keep a granola bar in my purse.

 

I went to one out of state and by the time we got to the reception we were starving. We saw the appetizers, but thought they were the only food. We were happily relieved to discover there was actually a meal a bit later. Are all expectations warranted or fair? Probably not. But I'm not going to pretend there aren't some. Oh and I was at that wedding because I was asked to escort my elderly grandmother who at the time was 97 years old? I don't think she would have wanted to have to eat out afterwards.

[TammyS]

Wedding dinners which are 8 to 10 course meals are a cultural expectation (chinese) for us. They cost about $40-$60 per person in the late 90s. I have close to 100 relatives being the youngest granddaughter, my hubby has over 50 relatives. We end up with over 200 guests, inviting only very close friends.

 

However our cultural custom is also such that wedding guests would give cash in red packets for auspicious reasons. So the hosts would break even or make a slight "profit".

 

Of course we can forgo the wedding banquet but with guests indirectly paying for it, not wanting to spend the money doesn't work well as a reason to not have it.

 

Our honeymoon was over $7k but hubby paid. We have worked for about 6 years at time of marriage. $5k would be about hubby's annual bonus at that time. We have no student debt though and already paid more than $100k down for our marital home.

 

So this isn't really the same thing.  The "western" tradition is to have a big party which someone is footing the whole bill for and eating the loss.  Your tradition is a big family event where the whole family chips in to  offset the cost.  Totally different.  I love your tradition.  It focuses on bringing all these people together and doesn't send anyone to the poor house doing it.

[FaithManor]

I will say this. Due to doing so much of the work myself, and coordinating my own daughter's event, I was never able to visit with anyone, enjoy the reception, sit and relax, or even eat. I am not the only mom who has been the coordinator of her child's wedding that has had that happen. My own mother almost didn't make it to our wedding ceremony, and the ladies working in the kitchen were very miffed with her when she scooted out 10 minutes before it started to put on a dress and actually go see me married. I know many women who were nothing but exhausted, and got not an ounce of enjoyment out of their children's wedding days because they were working so hard. I was physically exhausted, and sporting a migraine while directing the clean up of the reception because the hall had to be vacated by 10 p.m. We didn't have a yard or facilities at home that was adequate for even a small wedding, and parking restrictions on the street anyway. Not everyone can have a back yard barbecue wedding in which 30 people show up to help the couple pull it off. That is actually not common at all in my area.

 

So there is a reason that wedding coordinators, florists, and caterers exist, and those folks do have to be paid for their time.

 

This is why I always counsel people to try as much as possible to do a cheap destination wedding, justice of the peace/courthouse lawn kind of thing, or immediate family only with a couple of best friends type wedding if they are really worried about money. Justice of the Peace, a quick dinner at a cheap restaurant with ten people, and a couple of nights in a nice hotel at a pretty location someplace else so you aren't feeding a bunch of other people and having to rent a facility is WAY cheaper than just about any kind of wedding. Way, way cheaper.

 

Then of course this breeds the controversy because some family cultures see weddings as a very big deal within the family and the greater community and there is a HUGE expectation that extended family, friends, business associates, neighbors, and everyone's kitchen sink will be invited, and when that does not happen, hard feelings that may last for a long time and make things difficult for the couple, the hosts, etc. commence. It is simply not an easy thing.

 

I know personally a very dear family that went through this within a family/religious culture in which invite everyone you have ever known and if you don't you are going to be verbally abused about and the second cousin twice removed two states a way that doesn't get invited is going to bad mouth you for years within the family simply could not afford it. They did not have the income or savings that could support renting a hall and buying food and supplies to feed a group that size much less do anything else like buy a dress and get a bouquet for their daughter to carry. The young couple, not flush with money at all, decided to invited their parents and siblings to visit them as they lived out of state under the guise of "wedding planning". They gave the crew gas and food money to get there. And then gathered them up, went down to the courthouse, got married, and had pizza on the lawn of a friend who had a pretty place for pictures. It was a shocker to the family that they did this, and for many years, the aunts and uncles refused to speak to this couple. These same aunts and uncles, however, were not willing to pay for or work at a wedding. Their family culture was that you have a big reception, huge amount of food, lavish diecorations, dj and dancing, and the bride's parents were expected to go into debt for it on behalf of the family if they didn't have the money themselves.

 

That is NOT an easy family culture to deal with, and I do think that what the young couple did was practical, and appropriate. However where there is a perception that weddings are about community celebration and obligation, this is viewed dimly to say the least. It works best if the young couple and the parents are not going to have live with and be around the offended people much in the future. It doesn't work very well if mom and dad in particular have to do business with an be often in the company of the offended.

 

I can honestly say that I've planned and pulled off not only four family weddings, but professional 32 other weddings over the years, and weddings nearly always bring out the worst in bridesmaids, parents, and immediate family. It is a shocking, awful truth, and I wish I knew what goes wrong with what appear to be perfectly normal people that they do this to brides and grooms. I can't figure it out. I spend a lot of time trying to think of professional, PC ways of saying, "Back the heck off jerk!" I made sure that dd's day was relaxed and enjoyable for her, no drama. And thankfully our honorary daughter, dd's maid of honor, was of the "get any where near her with an ounce of negativity and I'm going to knock your block off" kind of mentality, and my nephew - one of the groomsmen for our son in law - did the same for him. I also made sure that every possible detail was taken care of so there was simply apart from an act of nature, nothing that was going to go kilter wampus. I am glad I did that. It was a killer for dh and I!

 

As a professional planner, on the day, I spend a lot of time not letting the narcissists attain access to the couple so they don't end up with the groom having to yell at someone and the bride in tears.

 

I've seen a lot of weddings in which the drama of "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" is NOTHING comparatively speaking. So when Margaret CO and others tell me about their lovely weddings or their children's lovely weddings in which everything was relaxed and comfortable, people  behaved, others chipped in to help with cheerful faces and supportive hands, it renews my faith in humanity that not every family has to descend into crazy just because two people fell in love and want to get hitched.

 

Sometimes I have to wonder if deep down a lot of the drama is because under the surface someone who is an integral part of the process does not approve of the marriage, and is trying to undermine the relationship. I should have earned a psychology degree before becoming an event planner! LOL

 

My niece has a HUGE, event planning business in a well to do area. Her college degree is actually business with an emphasis in event planning. I never knew, until she told me what she was going to major in, that this was possible. She worked for Teen People, Real Simple, and a couple of other magazines, and a couple of charities as their in house event coordinator before branching out on her home. She has stories to tell, crazy, crazy stories. She is certainly amazing at what she does. One of the weddings she did was for a Greek/American couple whose elderly grandparents were physically unable to travel, so the whole wedding was in Greece with the wealthy father of the bride paying for plane tickets for something like 300 people to Greece, and hotels and food for all of them as well. So you want to talk expensive, try a wedding that - if memory serves - a 3/4 million dollar price tag.  :svengo:  :svengo:  :svengo:

 

As she was telling me about it, i was having a bit of a hard time not being judgy because in my mind I was thinking (ten people go to Greece, use the rest to feed orphans.) My head just doesn't go there. I'm sure though that if offered the opportunity, I wouldn't mind taking her 15-20% of the budget fee for making it happen!  :D

[marbel]

Hmm maybe I had a poor choice of words. Regardless, I'm sure there are a range of expectations and some would feel an expectation to be fed more than dessert, depending on how much time has passed since their last meal. Maybe they can't even eat the dessert. A couple of people in my family are hypoglycemic so maybe I'm more prone to need food sooner than others. And yes, I could keep a granola bar in my purse.

 

I went to one out of state and by the time we got to the reception we were starving. We saw the appetizers, but thought they were the only food. We were happily relieved to discover there was actually a meal a bit later. Are all expectations warranted or fair? Probably not. But I'm not going to pretend there aren't some. Oh and I was at that wedding because I was asked to escort my elderly grandmother who at the time was 97 years old? I don't think she would have wanted to have to eat out afterwards.

 

Most people wouldn't think to pack a snack when going to a wedding, though I guess some with severe issues always keep something on hand.  But, I agree with you.

 

:001_smile:  It is important to consider the needs of the guests.   I've been to a wedding where there was no food beyond the cake, which is fine, but not when there is a very long service, then waiting around for bride and groom to do photos, and then another long wait through speeches and toasts and such before even the cake was served. Sure, people can go 3 hours without eating but most people don't think to eat right before the wedding - in the car on the way? lol. 

 

At least the wedding wasn't over a meal time so we weren't expecting that.  But, some snacks would have been welcome; it doesn't have to be costly if budget doesn't allow. 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 28, 2016 by marbel

[TammyS]

 

 

I come from a very Catholic family and area, so the venue is always the home parish which makes it affordable. Most of my family have receptions at the parish hall.  Rehearsal dinners tend to be huge family cookouts with everyone in attendance; it's basically a pre-wedding party for all invited LOL. 

 

I only have one girl, the rest are boys. I hold no expectations of future DILs as I think each couple and couple's situation will be different.  I do have expectations of my girl, and she'll get cash to spend as she sees fit. Hopefully she's wise about it.  I don't have to lecture her on it, her brothers will take that bullet for me. :lol:

 

I'm also Catholic and have in recent years helped a friend of mine with several of her daughter's weddings (very traditional, mother of the bride hosts type things).  We've found that we save a fortune by planting our own flower bulb beds to have for cutting flowers, and certain foods tend to be cheap to make in bulk (pork roasts go on sale at Food Lion pretty often for $1.29lb).

 

Anyway, I don't have daughters, only boys, but I told her that if one of my boys marries one of her daughters (not outside the realm of possibility) I'll be the easiest mother of the groom ever because all she has to do is tell me where and when to show up.  I don't care at all about the details.

[heartlikealion]

Most people wouldn't think to pack a snack when going to a wedding, though I guess some with severe issues always keep something on hand.  But, I agree with you.

 

:001_smile:  It is important to consider the needs of the guests.   I've been to weddings where there was no food beyond the cake, which is fine, but not when there is a very long service, then waiting around for bride and groom to do photos, and then another long wait through speeches and toasts and such before even the cake was served. Sure, people can go 3 hours without eating but most people don't think to eat right before the wedding - in the car on the way? lol. 

 

At least the wedding wasn't over a meal time so we weren't expecting that.  But, some snacks would have been welcome; it doesn't have to be costly if budget doesn't allow. 

 

Yeah, I don't necessarily think every wedding needs a meal -- a very close friend of mine got married and didn't do a meal. My son was the ring bearer. I don't even remember what was there but dh was working in the kitchen as a favor and he prevented the chocolate fountain from catching something on fire?? lol. Anyway, since we were close friends I already knew way in advance there was not going to be a meal. I don't remember if it was on the invites, though, so I don't know what others were expecting. They probably all knew, though because it was just people close to her.

 

I don't think I even had a piece of my sister's cake because I didn't like the flavor lol

[Bluegoat]

Hmm maybe I had a poor choice of words. Regardless, I'm sure there are a range of expectations and some would feel an expectation to be fed more than dessert, depending on how much time has passed since their last meal. Maybe they can't even eat the dessert. A couple of people in my family are hypoglycemic so maybe I'm more prone to need food sooner than others. And yes, I could keep a granola bar in my purse.

 

I went to one out of state and by the time we got to the reception we were starving. We saw the appetizers, but thought they were the only food. We were happily relieved to discover there was actually a meal a bit later. Are all expectations warranted or fair? Probably not. But I'm not going to pretend there aren't some. Oh and I was at that wedding because I was asked to escort my elderly grandmother who at the time was 97 years old? I don't think she would have wanted to have to eat out afterwards.

 

I don't think that your point was weird.  If people drive most of a day to visit me at my house, I would feel that I should give them a meal, not just a cup of tea.  It would be the same if I was hosting a bigger event.

 

In a way it might be more the case when the family, as a whole, is less well off.  If the extended family leans more toward the upper middle class or above, they can probably all manage the hotels and meals.  If they are closser to working class or lower middle income that could be out of reach.

 

Though in my mind this is all the more reason to have a tradition of treating weddings a bit like other big family gatherings where costs may be spread around.

Edited April 28, 2016 by Bluegoat

[FaithManor]

Oh, best advice I have to give from a safety perspective. If you belong to a religious tradition that does the "unity candle" thing. DON'T have a big silk flower arrangement that wraps around the candles and holders that goes more than half way up the side of the candle on a very hot August day where the groomsmen decide to circulate air to try to make it more comfortable by opening up all the windows only there is a pretty stout wind coming through so the candles start burning down very quickly after the parents light them but the religious ceremony is long so it's going to be quite a while before the couple lights the middle one and blow out the sides BECAUSE the candles may burn down very rapidly and with the wind blowing, silk petals may encounter the wild flame thus setting the arrangement on fire thus compelling the best man and pastor to grab the now falling apart, flaming arrangement to run with it to the nearest exit while it falls apart dropping flaming petals on the church carpet compelling the bridal party to stomp said petals to put the fire out, leaving lovely burned, singed, sooty holes in the church carpet, and making quite a spectacle during the ceremony in which the finally returned pastor with the hair singed off the back of his hands and couple of very painful blisters forming on his fingers is rattled, can't remember where he was in the ceremony, and marries the couple off with half the vows unsaid.

 

Just don't do it.

 

Keep your silks and fabrics away from the candles, okay! (I didn't coordinate that wedding. I was just the pianist playing some Back off the top of her head to entertain the congregation while the problem was dispatched.) Phew!

 

Safety first people, safety first.  :D  Sense of humor helps a lot, and especially when the flower girl grabs herself between her legs and announces really loudly that she has to potty now right in the middle of "I take you ______ to be my lawfully wedded husband" part of the ceremony. 

 

Oh, the things I've seen.  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:

[QueenCat]

 

I know personally a very dear family that went through this within a family/religious culture in which invite everyone you have ever known and if you don't you are going to be verbally abused about and the second cousin twice removed two states a way that doesn't get invited is going to bad mouth you for years within the family simply could not afford it. They did not have the income or savings that could support renting a hall and buying food and supplies to feed a group that size much less do anything else like buy a dress and get a bouquet for their daughter to carry. The young couple, not flush with money at all, decided to invited their parents and siblings to visit them as they lived out of state under the guise of "wedding planning". They gave the crew gas and food money to get there. And then gathered them up, went down to the courthouse, got married, and had pizza on the lawn of a friend who had a pretty place for pictures. It was a shocker to the family that they did this, and for many years, the aunts and uncles refused to speak to this couple. These same aunts and uncles, however, were not willing to pay for or work at a wedding. Their family culture was that you have a big reception, huge amount of food, lavish diecorations, dj and dancing, and the bride's parents were expected to go into debt for it on behalf of the family if they didn't have the money themselves.

 

That is NOT an easy family culture to deal with, and I do think that what the young couple did was practical, and appropriate. However where there is a perception that weddings are about community celebration and obligation, this is viewed dimly to say the least. It works best if the young couple and the parents are not going to have live with and be around the offended people much in the future. It doesn't work very well if mom and dad in particular have to do business with an be often in the company of the offended.

 

That's really sad. Although our family does generally do big weddings, etc, one of dh's cousin's daughter's did small like you describe (more to keep her two parents, who were divorced with one mean stepparent apart), no one was ugly about it (except the mean stepparent). And I can't imagine not speaking to the couple because of it...... they have their reasons and that's fine.

[Bluegoat]

The combination of the individual family pays for all with it must be a huge family affair seems about the worst possible.

[fairfarmhand]

One thing to keep in mind:

 

 

If you try to save money by sewing the wedding or bridesmaid dresses, make clear whether or not anyone can have a water war at the reception.

 

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[FaithManor]

And it isn't necessary to have an almost Starbucks at the reception - something that cost $3000.00 if memory serves - but if you choose to do so, some guests  :biggrinjester: will think you are the cat's meow of hostessing!

[luuknam]

Dinner on a riverboat sounds lovely.

 

It was pretty neat (though I was in a daze by the time we got to the dinner part), and had the added benefit of limiting the number of guests, since any more and we'd have had to do a second riverboat. My MIL wanted more guests, and I didn't (from my side, there were only 3 guests, and like I said, I didn't know most of the guests at my wedding, and really did not need even more strangers). So, it stopped MIL from tacking on "just a couple more", which really could've snowballed. She paid for the food, so it's not that I was concerned about the money, but having that natural limit really helped me keep my sanity.

Edited April 28, 2016 by luuknam

[goldberry]

I will say this. Due to doing so much of the work myself, and coordinating my own daughter's event, I was never able to visit with anyone, enjoy the reception, sit and relax, or even eat. I am not the only mom who has been the coordinator of her child's wedding that has had that happen. 

 

 

 

I have seen this repeatedly and don't like it at all.  I have also seen brides with all their best friends serving food and no one getting to sit and enjoy and visit.

My husband does wedding photography "on the side".  DD once mentioned, oh, of course Dad would take my pictures.  Hmm.  Maybe the bridal portraits or engagement pics.  Dad does not want to be running around like a crazy person during his daughter's wedding.  And I don't want to be serving punch.

[goldberry]

And it isn't necessary to have an almost Starbucks at the reception - something that cost $3000.00 if memory serves - but if you choose to do so, some guests  :biggrinjester: will think you are the cat's meow of hostessing!

 

That sounds so cool!  I've seen a hot chocolate bar at winter wedding.  That was cool too...