Catholic/religious families: vent and support

[fdrinca]

This is the second year with our parish's new pastor. We have a very small parish, and the Diocese likes to send priests here to learn the ropes of pastorhood. I've enjoyed the dynamism and energy that these new priests will bring to our parish, even as they work to find their feet.

 

The problem is this:

 

DH and I have operated our church's catechism program for three years. We did so because two of our children were receiving sacraments, and if we didn't step in, there wouldn't have been a program. The first year, the students were just our children. The second year, there were eight other children. Now there are around 8 other children from grades K - 8, with other children in a separately-run confirmation program. 

 

DH and I also served as Coordinators of Catechetical Ministry/Directors of Religious Education at a previous parish, before we had children, and in this position we received a few years of training and several years of experience in running a program of 75+ children.

 

This is just the background to say that we have experience - if not necessarily the wisdom and grace - in running programs. 

 

Our current pastor has decided that he wants to run the program. That's fine - he can make registration sheets and draft schedules and order curriculum. I understand that he's learning all facets of running a parish, and having his hand in all pots is helpful to gain that knowledge. 

 

But....

 

But....

 

He's not doing it. He's so busy being a priest and shepherding his people that he's not doing the minor things that he won't let us do. (Example: setting a time for the children's first reconciliation service, giving us the curriculum that's in the office, etc.)

 

I have five children, one of whom is a baby, one of whom has ASD. We homeschool. My father just died. Three children are competitive athletes and out of town most weekends. I have zero extra capacity to cope with someone who isn't doing his job, and I'm wracked with guilt from feeling so uncharitable toward our priest, a man of God who really is trying his best but just hasn't learned how to delegate small matters.

 

Parish mis-managment in these (and other) small matters have really eroded at my soul. I'm experiencing a minor crisis of faith, not in God's truth or the Church, but certainly in our church.

[Bluegoat]

This is the second year with our parish's new pastor. We have a very small parish, and the Diocese likes to send priests here to learn the ropes of pastorhood. I've enjoyed the dynamism and energy that these new priests will bring to our parish, even as they work to find their feet.

 

The problem is this:

 

DH and I have operated our church's catechism program for three years. We did so because two of our children were receiving sacraments, and if we didn't step in, there wouldn't have been a program. The first year, the students were just our children. The second year, there were eight other children. Now there are around 8 other children from grades K - 8, with other children in a separately-run confirmation program. 

 

DH and I also served as Coordinators of Catechetical Ministry/Directors of Religious Education at a previous parish, before we had children, and in this position we received a few years of training and several years of experience in running a program of 75+ children.

 

This is just the background to say that we have experience - if not necessarily the wisdom and grace - in running programs. 

 

Our current pastor has decided that he wants to run the program. That's fine - he can make registration sheets and draft schedules and order curriculum. I understand that he's learning all facets of running a parish, and having his hand in all pots is helpful to gain that knowledge. 

 

But....

 

But....

 

He's not doing it. He's so busy being a priest and shepherding his people that he's not doing the minor things that he won't let us do. (Example: setting a time for the children's first reconciliation service, giving us the curriculum that's in the office, etc.)

 

I have five children, one of whom is a baby, one of whom has ASD. We homeschool. My father just died. Three children are competitive athletes and out of town most weekends. I have zero extra capacity to cope with someone who isn't doing his job, and I'm wracked with guilt from feeling so uncharitable toward our priest, a man of God who really is trying his best but just hasn't learned how to delegate small matters.

 

Parish mis-managment in these (and other) small matters have really eroded at my soul. I'm experiencing a minor crisis of faith, not in God's truth or the Church, but certainly in our church.

 

That really sucks.

 

However, what I would say is this - if it gets messed up this time, it is not the end of the world.  A year without a program is not ideal, but it happens from time to time for all kinds of reasons.

 

The young priest will learn something from it if he fails or it goes poorly. 

 

If I were to make a guess, he may feel that it is important to have a priest do the teaching for these groups.  I think there is some argument for this - there is frankly a lot of poor teaching that goes on from parishioners, and it can make sense to have the priest handle some of it as a matter of course, or at least to have him closely involved.  He sounds like he may be theoretically committed to this idea.

 

What he doesn't have yet is a practical sense of what that could look like on top of his other work.  The only way he will get it is to try, and eventually he will, with some luck, figure out what he needs to delegate, and what he will really want to hold on to himself, both with this and his other duties.

[MysteryJen]

((((Hugs)))) I think you are in grave need of a break. Seriously. Once your confirmations are done this spring, you should step down and let it go. Your experience will still be there when family life settles down and you have more time and energy.

 

Sometimes, I think that using lay people to manage the parish (while incredibly necessary) causes them to feel bitter or tired or impatient at the church. When that happens, it is like a clear sign that you need to tend your garden for a while and leave the church to God.

 

Take a break, focus on your family. Let the priest be your priest, not your boss or colleague.

[Faithr]

Well, first, prayer!  Pray, pray, pray!  Give God your resentment!  Pray for patience. And then after calming yourself with prayer figure out the most pragmatic thing and if you can't find a solution that way, pray to get through this with grace and learn from it so that a year from now this will be a learning experience for both you and the priest even though it is very messy right now.  This is yet another little (but burdensome) cross to bear and in the end it is will sanctify you!)

 

And I'll pray for you too!

Edited April 8, 2016 by Faithr

[Mbelle]

Hugs.  I'm not sure what you can do.  

We had a similar experience at a very small church.

We don't go there anymore, but we had other options available.

It made us sad and took some time to move on.

 

[happi duck]

(Hugs)

[ktgrok]

I'm so sorry! Can you arrange to have a sit down meeting with him, one on one? Or with you and your husband? And explain that you are grateful he wants to do this, but are feeling a bit out of the loop, and with everything on your plate you need to have some clarity? 

[ktgrok]

Or, there is nothing wrong with attending another parish for a season, if that's an option where you live.

[gardenmom5]

will he accept "suggestions"?  such as - "father -were you planning on the _insert date_ or the _insert date_ for the children's first reconciliation service?"   the parents would like to get it on their calendars, those planning (everything that goes with it) would  like to get it on their calendars so they can have everything else ready, etc. at that point, you might be able to "offer" (cough cough) to do that for him since he's doing more pressing things that only he can do. 

 

otherwise - yes, I'm sorry.  as frustrating as it is, just remember he's young and inexperienced. . . .

 

dd just started a job and she's a HYPER-competent person.  so the fact the head pharmacist doesn't manage well (at all.) is making her positively nuts.   she's just taking over some  things  -but she's a pharmacist too. so, she can get away with that.

[almondbutterandjelly]

My recommendation is to figure out what action on your part will give your peace for this season.  Step away from your previous role and teach your kids yourself?  Attend ccd elsewhere?  Keep going but have no expectations about things being done?  Have a meeting with your dh and priest about these matters?  What will give you peace?

 

In my experience, times of tumult are often catalysts for change.  Sometimes that is a change within me or my family, sometimes that is a change within what's happening at church.  Figure out what your actions should be... those are the only actions you can control anyway.

 

((hugs))  It's hard.  I know.

[TianXiaXueXiao]

My friend had a similar experience with a new priest taking over the youth group she had successfully managed for years. It was really painful for her because he decided the youth group building needed to be completely remodeled and had all of her materials (books, workbooks, projects, props, personal religious items, etc.) thrown out with no warning. One of the items had belonged to her deceased mother and it was very traumatizing. She ended up going to a different parish in a neighboring town. I hope you can find peace.

[Ellie]

:grouphug:

[Guest]

My friend had a similar experience with a new priest taking over the youth group she had successfully managed for years. It was really painful for her because he decided the youth group building needed to be completely remodeled and had all of her materials (books, workbooks, projects, props, personal religious items, etc.) thrown out with no warning. One of the items had belonged to her deceased mother and it was very traumatizing. She ended up going to a different parish in a neighboring town. I hope you can find peace.

Wow, what a jerk. Hope he learns how to better deal with people.

[fdrinca]

Thank you for your thoughtful feedback. I definitely felt more lifted and positive as we came into today's classes and retreat. Moreover, I had a really great experience with the children, and it reminded me that the point of all of this is bringing the kids closer to God. In this case, the Devil certainly was in the details. 

 

It would make me sad to leave our parish, if only because I believe in the idea of attending your neighborhood church. There are a few personal parishes in our area, so we do have an option or two. 

[heartlikealion]

It wouldn't be my own children's education I would be too worried about (because I would know I could take care of it somehow, perhaps in another parish or at home) but the other 8 other kids... what are their families expected to do? Go to another parish?

 

I would use that to help my stance, kinda like said above. People are waiting on information.

 

The curriculum is literally sitting in the office? Is he refusing to give it or not available when you try to come by? Is there a secretary or someone you could speak with about this? Maybe he/she can broach the subject on your behalf.

 

We have no CCD in my parish. We use MyCatholicFaithDelivered.com. That might be something some of the families may find helpful if things are left on hold too long.