Daughter is arguing constantly

[Alana in Canada]

with me today. It's unbelievable. She seemed OK for a bit, but when we sat down to do a story narration she absolutely refused to follow my directions (We're re-writing from an outline and "she doesn't remember." "Fine, go reread the Story." I told her.

 

"No"

 

No?

 

I don't want to send her to her room, I don't want to spank her, and I've already taken away her CD listening priviledges for the day. (Taking away DVD time is more difficult because that "punishes" her brother, too.) I have threatened to take away "paly time" with her friends--but that's the last card in the deck.

 

I'm not sure what to do.

Ideas?

 

(PS, we accidentally slept in an extra two hours today, so this isn't tiredness.)

[Carol in Cal.]

1. Feed her. She's probably hungry.

2. Tell her what to do again, and walk her through how to answer you properly, but not until after she has had a significant snack or meal, including protein, and 10 minutes have passed.

3. Catch her doing something good, and praise her for it, casually. Do the same for your other child, esp. in her hearing.

 

It sounds like this is unusual behavior, or I would recommend a little tougher stance. But she might be coming down with something, or maybe sleeping in doesn't agree with her, or maybe something else is going on. So I would be all about watchful waiting right now--don't back down, but don't pick this as your primary battle right now either.

[Alana in Canada]

Thanks Carol. We just had lunch, so perhaps that will help!

 

She is argumentative and stubborn--but not usually to this degree! It was just amazing.

 

Well, this was on my screen a long time!

Lunch seems to have turned everything around! Thanks--you were right about feeding her!

 

We just finished a chapter section on SoTW and a bit of map work without any problems. I've sent both kids outside to walk the dog. We still have to finish up that work on the story, though.

[King Alfred Academy]

with me today. It's unbelievable. She seemed OK for a bit, but when we sat down to do a story narration she absolutely refused to follow my directions (We're re-writing from an outline and "she doesn't remember." "Fine, go reread the Story." I told her.

 

"No"

 

No?

 

I don't want to send her to her room, I don't want to spank her, and I've already taken away her CD listening priviledges for the day. (Taking away DVD time is more difficult because that "punishes" her brother, too.) I have threatened to take away "paly time" with her friends--but that's the last card in the deck.

 

I'm not sure what to do.

Ideas?

 

(PS, we accidentally slept in an extra two hours today, so this isn't tiredness.)

 

For what it's worth, I think there is something in the water. My ds7 was giving me trouble today too. So, you are not alone!

[Alana in Canada]

Maybe you need to feed her, too?

 

We've done the story--I was going to have them re-write from last week's outlines, but we're not quite ready for that. (Myself included.)

 

So we started a new one! It went well.

 

 

Day is almost done. Deep breath.

[PeterPan]

Can I very politely ask why spanking is off the table? Do you not normally spank, or is it that you've grown weary and don't WANT to have to spank anymore? If it's the later, let's just say btdt, lol. Feeding is good, sleeping in messes up their rhythm and can actually provoke more problems than it helps. However if it continues, in my dd it would be because of a growth spurt, something that happens say every 6 months. When she does, she seems to figure out new levels to disobey and express at, and we have to regroup and go back to basics of obedience, respect, etc. Then she gets the higher level of interaction and opportunities that her growth opens her to. But it ALWAYS seems to require that regrouping and refocusing on basics for a while with us, sometimes pretty seriously. And I wouldn't consider 8 to have outgrown spanking. ;)

[dcjlkplus3]

For what it's worth, I think there is something in the water. My ds7 was giving me trouble today too. So, you are not alone!

 

My dd7 just went screaming up to her room that it is all my fault and she is never going to talk to me again. Why? you ask? Because I told her to write her name on her paper. This has been going on all day. When she said she is not coming home until Daddy gets home, I said good - yay for me - I didn't yell it:001_smile:

[dawn of ns]

I'm just thinking...You said you guys overslept by a lot. I know sometimes when I do that I feel horrible and out of sorts for awhile afterwards. Might be worth asking your daughter about?

[Alana in Canada]

I said good - yay for me - I didn't yell it:001_smile:

 

Oh dear! I hope you don't mind it made me laugh!

 

Can I very politely ask why spanking is off the table? Do you not normally spank, or is it that you've grown weary and don't WANT to have to spank anymore?

Yeah, spanking is off the table because 1) it's never been terribly effective with her, 2) I am NOT calm when I do spank (usually) and 3) I have a boy who thinks hitting is an appropriate way to express his unhappiness/anger/frustration. I don't blame him--but me. So, his re-training is my re-training. And, yes, 4) I am weary of it.

 

Maybe it is a growth spurt. I don't know. I think I'll have to work on coming up with unpleasant consequences. Bak to basics, as it were.

 

Any suggestions?

[TraceyS/FL]

My dd7 just went screaming up to her room that it is all my fault and she is never going to talk to me again. Why? you ask? Because I told her to write her name on her paper. This has been going on all day. When she said she is not coming home until Daddy gets home, I said good - yay for me - I didn't yell it:001_smile:

 

UGH.

 

It was in the air for sure.... i got told, she didn't NEED to learn to read, and that I couldn't read. I lied about what the book said because i really can't read either.....

 

And on and on for about 20 minutes..... seriously - did this 1-sided conversation really happen????? :tongue_smilie:

 

We overslept too - well, i did.....

 

How about we ALL vote for a better tomorrow?!

 

:grouphug:

[EricaB]

WOW, the wonderful things I have to look forward to.....

 

I was having trouble with my DD one day and frantically started sending my mother emails. She replied "Yep, sounds like you and just wait until she starts slamming doors". Somehow this actually made me feel better since I knew she came by it honestly.

 

I do, however have to second the growth spurt. We have our biggest problems when she is going through a growing period. We didn't have a very good week last week and then I tried to put her helmet on yesterday. I have been learning about her growth signs and this has helped me help her i.e. "I don't know what I want", "I think I know what I want", "I know what I want and will scream anyway", loss of appetite followed by a huge appetite, sleeping longer than usual and overall out of sorts. I am not sure why girls do this since my DS doesn't really go through these times. He becomes slightly more aggressive, but gets over it quickly.

 

I am not sure if anyone wants to try this since it is a bit old school (from my dear mother), but I did it last week and it worked like dear mom said it would. My son was having one of his off days not too long ago and I would usually let him scream it out in his room. My nerves where no longer handling this tactic, so I cautiously employed one of mom's tricks; the shower. I took him upstairs and turned on the shower and gently held him there until he could talk to me. I then took off his clothes and told him to play in the shower until he felt better. He cheerfully went about his merry way playing with his toys for about 15 min and we had a wonderful rest of the day. If you think about it, a good long shower helps anyone feel better, why not have your kiddos do it when they feel crummy. Now, I tell him that if ever he is feeling funky and wants to take a shower to calm down, just let me know. So far, he has asked me once and seemed to like the idea.

 

Taking another approach, my husband and I feel that we were not taught how to deal with our feelings when we where growing up due to emotionally dead parents. They did the best they could, but lacked the ability to help us deal with our emotions. Someone here mentioned asking you DD about what she is feeling. I think that this is so important. Again, I don't think my husband or I was ever ask how or why we felt something and look forward to helping our kids through these times when they are upset and can't figure it out. We encourage our DC to talk about ALL of their feelings and maybe this will make a difference for them in the future. If not, I will sure to check back here for help! One more thing, I think it is also good to get out of the way sometimes. This is another area of "talking" that we do. The response of "leave me alone" is OK in our house to a certain degree. Our DS will eventually tell us what is bugging him and it is his way of telling us that he wants a chance to work things out. You didn't ask about this, but I thought I would throw it in.

 

THIS TOO SHALL PASS...........

 

All of you will be in my prayers in hopes for a new and cheerful day tomorrow.

 

Erica

[newbie]

Mine has been argumentative since four, today she told me count my blessings, she is not spraying grafitti on fences or causing trouble on the outside, only in my house.

 

Thats nice. I just hope she can use all this for good, like become a judge, or a lawyer, something where she can argue constructively.

[Tree House Academy]

My 9 year old is so snarly lately that I have dubbed him a pre pre-teen. :( I feel ya!

 

My 5 year old is following in his footsteps, though is still kind of cute in his efforts. Funny story...today I was on the phone for awhile. When I got off the phone, he came in and started asking me questions, so I started playing with him by kind of picking at him. He got so frustrated with me and finally said, "mom, why don't you just get back on the phone PLEASE!" LOL I could not help but laugh. How rude, right? But I was pestering him and his comment just was too funny IMO. Sometimes (and only rarely), you just have to laugh at the things they come out with...especially while they are still little. The 9 year old, not so much laughter there!

[Reya]

There's always the boring chair for time out. That can work better than a room, esp. if she has toys in the bedroom. (My DS does not because he wants to play around people, so I gave up fighting the toy issue and made the 2nd living area an office/playroom.)

[mrsdash]

I have not posted here for a long time but I've got to say this. I'm reading all these posts concerning what sounds to me to be insolent children and I'm amazed at the weak responses. I don't know what has happened to parents and their reluctance to properly parent. I've never seen so many parents here as well as in my daily life who seem to be afraid to upset their children. These kids are talking to you and behaving badly because they can. Period. You are allowing them to be insolent little by little and they are just taking what they can. If they can say this, then maybe they can do that. The children who talk back, tell their parents "how it is", slam doors, quip back sarcastically are children who have zero respect for the adults who are raising them. It's not their fault, it is the parents fault for just not bothering, for thinking it's "funny" or "witty" and all they are doing is creating a tougher fight down the road. I keep seeing parents jump through hoops for their kids while the children call all the shots and the parents look bewildered as to what to do. This is ridiculous.

[Haiku]

Yes, Mrs. Dash. You can come down really heavy on kids and "not be afraid" to punish them. Or, you can figure out that the problem is easily corrected by feeding a kid, or giving her some water, or letting her run up and down the sidewalk for five minutes. I prefer problem solving to coming down hard on my kids.

 

Tara

[mrsdash]

Not once did I say to "come down hard on them". Not once did I give a specific answer to any problems. I just made an observation and you read into it what you wanted to.

[Alana in Canada]

I'm reading all these posts concerning what sounds to me to be insolent children and I'm amazed at the weak responses. I don't know what has happened to parents and their reluctance to properly parent.

 

If I were truly reluctant to properly parent--would I have asked for advice?

 

What, exactly is a "weak" response?

 

These kids are talking to you and behaving badly because they can. Period. You are allowing them to be insolent little by little and they are just taking what they can.

 

This is true. And it is a very difficult call--when does the "little" become too much? I know some would say "any" is too much--but I ask how many hills must one be prepared to die upon each day, day after day after day? Unfortunately, in my experience, fighting every single battle can be counterproductive and damaging to the relationship.

 

It's true, I admit I have been inconsistent with the strictness of my own parenting. I've even written articles for my local homeschooling newsletter on the subject. I can't tell you how shocked I was when I first started homeschooling to discover how disobedient, disrespectful and willful my children were towards me. "Schooling" felt absolutely impossible in such an environment--and for the most part, it is. So I scrambled to learn what I'd never been taught, never had modeled and had no clue how to implement with children who had been allowed to get away with bad behaviour for many years.

 

That was three years ago.

 

I tried spanking. I tried time outs on the chair. I tried extra chores. All of them had some effect--enough so that we could get through our days and get schooling done. But it is exhausting and sometimes one gets to the end of one's resources and needs to look for support and in the case of yesterday and this thread--more resources to cope.

 

And so I think it is absolutely untrue to say:

 

it is the parents fault for just not bothering,

 

Every single parent on this board who deals with his or her children as much as a homeschooling parent must is most definitely "bothering." Homeschooling cannot occur without that effort.

 

I have every confidence in the women here (and the odd fellow) that we are all doing the best we know how to do--and we can enrich and support each other to do better. And for the most part, it is in one of the gentlest, humane and personable places I've ever experienced--this forum.

[EricaB]

If I were truly reluctant to properly parent--would I have asked for advice?

 

What, exactly is a "weak" response?

 

 

 

This is true. And it is a very difficult call--when does the "little" become too much? I know some would say "any" is too much--but I ask how many hills must one be prepared to die upon each day, day after day after day? Unfortunately, in my experience, fighting every single battle can be counterproductive and damaging to the relationship.

 

It's true, I admit I have been inconsistent with the strictness of my own parenting. I've even written articles for my local homeschooling newsletter on the subject. I can't tell you how shocked I was when I first started homeschooling to discover how disobedient, disrespectful and willful my children were towards me. "Schooling" felt absolutely impossible in such an environment--and for the most part, it is. So I scrambled to learn what I'd never been taught, never had modeled and had no clue how to implement with children who had been allowed to get away with bad behaviour for many years.

 

Do you possibly have a link to your articles?

[mrsdash]

I want to first say to the Liberator that I also did not use the word "punish". I was vague but you read a lot into what I said.

By "weak responses", I meant that the suggestions to feed her, give her water or more sleep or less sleep seemed to not deal with the issue. Maybe I am seeing a different issue. I don't think that being hungry,tired or thirsty is a good reason to be disrepectful and argumentative with someone and I just don't see trying to pacify them with these things as the answer. I have watched so many parents knock themselves out like a court jester trying to please the upset child. "Are you thirsty?" (or whatever) often seems to double for "Can I make you more comfortable somehow so you can stop whining and be nice? WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU??"

I am well aware of what it takes to homeschool. I don't see it as having much relevance here. I understand your point about doing your best and I am not claiming that it is easy to raise kids. I think it's the hardest and most important job in the world. It's a challenge and some days are more challenging than others. I do believe, though, that when we pacify them and their poor behavior becomes the norm, we are not helping them to grow, we are helping them to develop into self-centered people who think they deserve anything they want regardless of their attitudes. I see so many parents asking their kids for permission or apologizing for their discomfort. I'm not saying that is the case with you but I have seen that when kids get constantly argumentative, they are use to having their mom/dad trying to please them. So many kids today seem to act like their parents are employed by them and there is a lot of tails wagging the dogs. I know I didn't offer one bit of advice for you and I made a very general observation but I see and hear so many complaints similar to yours. I would like to help and I try to help at times but it still seems to come down, in the end, to parents not wanting to upset their kids in order to teach them right behavior from wrong behavior. Sometimes they do have to be uncomfortable. If the consequence is uncomfortable and consistent, they will stop the behavior that got them there. I am not talking about spanking but I don't rule it out until a certain age, either. I don't have all the answers by far and we all make mistakes but I know that I would not deal with a slamming door, a rolling eye, a shout at me, a sarcastic remark or a deliberate misbehavior by giving the child some water or a snack. We all have different levels of tolerance and I guess mine are quite different than most of yours. I do think, however, that we get out what we put in. If I was to offer you any advice at all, it would just be to make sure your child is aware that it is YOU who is in charge. That this isn't a joint partnership and that there are lines and bounderies. Spell out the bounderies and have consequences in place when they are crossed...every single time. They will get it if they are shown consistence.

[Haiku]

I want to first say to the Liberator

 

Hey, I think I like being called The Liberator! It has a lot more flash that just Tara (which is pronounced TAR-uh, btw, not TARE-uh). Maybe I'll just drop the Tara part and be known about town as The Liberator!

 

Sorry for jumping to conclusions, Dash. :)

 

The Liberator

[Alana in Canada]

Do you possibly have a link to your articles?

 

Erica, I'm sorry, I don't. The homeschooling newsletter is distributed only to members via their password encoded site and I am no longer a member.

 

However, if you'd like to pm me and can tell me why you are asking, I may be able to hunt them down on my hard drive (They are in various stages and drafts, I'm no longer sure which files contain the finished pieces) and I can send them to you as word docs.

 

Interestingly, after I wrote the above, my daughter started kicking up her heels again. This time I did get "tough" and she complained about "not being able to sit."

 

I confess, I ignored that.

[mrsdash]

Hey, I think I like being called The Liberator! It has a lot more flash that just Tara (which is pronounced TAR-uh, btw, not TARE-uh). Maybe I'll just drop the Tara part and be known about town as The Liberator!

 

Sorry for jumping to conclusions, Dash. :)

 

The Liberator

 

 

I like Dash. My husband was trying to tell me what he looked like before we met and we were talking on the phone. He said "I'm not ugly...well...I'm no Dash Riprock but I'm not ugly, either." and so Mrs. Dash was born.

I tend to put things out there pretty bluntly and my matter of fact disposition puts people on the defensive and my points end up lost in the process. Sorry for the bluntness and thanks for the smile :)

[Carol in Cal.]

I want to first say to the Liberator that I also did not use the word "punish". I was vague but you read a lot into what I said.

By "weak responses", I meant that the suggestions to feed her, give her water or more sleep or less sleep seemed to not deal with the issue. Maybe I am seeing a different issue. I don't think that being hungry,tired or thirsty is a good reason to be disrepectful and argumentative with someone and I just don't see trying to pacify them with these things as the answer. I have watched so many parents knock themselves out like a court jester trying to please the upset child. "Are you thirsty?" (or whatever) often seems to double for "Can I make you more comfortable somehow so you can stop whining and be nice? WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU??"

I am well aware of what it takes to homeschool. I don't see it as having much relevance here. I understand your point about doing your best and I am not claiming that it is easy to raise kids. I think it's the hardest and most important job in the world. It's a challenge and some days are more challenging than others. I do believe, though, that when we pacify them and their poor behavior becomes the norm, we are not helping them to grow, we are helping them to develop into self-centered people who think they deserve anything they want regardless of their attitudes. I see so many parents asking their kids for permission or apologizing for their discomfort. I'm not saying that is the case with you but I have seen that when kids get constantly argumentative, they are use to having their mom/dad trying to please them. So many kids today seem to act like their parents are employed by them and there is a lot of tails wagging the dogs. I know I didn't offer one bit of advice for you and I made a very general observation but I see and hear so many complaints similar to yours. I would like to help and I try to help at times but it still seems to come down, in the end, to parents not wanting to upset their kids in order to teach them right behavior from wrong behavior. Sometimes they do have to be uncomfortable. If the consequence is uncomfortable and consistent, they will stop the behavior that got them there. I am not talking about spanking but I don't rule it out until a certain age, either. I don't have all the answers by far and we all make mistakes but I know that I would not deal with a slamming door, a rolling eye, a shout at me, a sarcastic remark or a deliberate misbehavior by giving the child some water or a snack. We all have different levels of tolerance and I guess mine are quite different than most of yours. I do think, however, that we get out what we put in. If I was to offer you any advice at all, it would just be to make sure your child is aware that it is YOU who is in charge. That this isn't a joint partnership and that there are lines and bounderies. Spell out the bounderies and have consequences in place when they are crossed...every single time. They will get it if they are shown consistence.

 

and letting them color what you are reading here. For instance, I suggested that she was probably hungry and to feed her first and then go back to the insistance on proper behavior. Strategically, I do that pretty often and it works pretty well. What it does is still establish my authority and also create an environment where DD finds it easier to obey and also starts to learn how to manage her own selfcare. Later on I want her to be able to control herself and be respectful, but also to be able to see when she is about to step out of line and go get herself some food if it might help. I want to equip her for adult life, as well as have a peaceful, appropriate homelife. And, I also said that I would come down more on her if this was not so unusual, but that as it is unusual, I would try this first.

 

And, I'm in good company. JW used to offer her OC kids a sandwich, a shower, and a nap so that they could pull themselves back together, instead of engaging with them all the time. Good strategy, and I'll bet SWB knows when she needs one of those three to this day.

[mrsdash]

That's fine. Do what works for you. I am not going to offer my kids a nap, a snack or a drink when they are not behaving. To me, that is absurd. To you, it's a working strategy and helps you get further in your end result.Maybe we have different end goals. As for being in good company, hey, whatever makes you feel confirmed. I look to my grandmother for example more than anyone else. I consider myself in good company,too. You are taking my observations and opinions as a personal attack and that's unfortunate. It wasn't my intention, I just tire of the same complaints from mothers who seem exasperated with their kids. If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten...I'm sure you've heard that.

[mrsdash]

And, I also said that I would come down more on her if this was not so unusual, but that as it is unusual, I would try this first.

QUOTE]

 

Some of you are still insisting that I am encouraging some sort of militant punishment. I have not said anything like that. I am just suggesting that you very clearly tell your children what is OK and what is NOT. Spell out the rules until they are crystal clear and then spell out the consequences that go with the rules. Be consistent. Have a plan. Stop trying to parent on a wing and a prayer, by the seat of your pants or however you want to put it. If you have a plan and everyone is aware of the rules, it will be a little easier to deal with it without trying to figure out what to do next....should I give them a snack or a drink or a nap or a shower??? Deal with the behavior is all I'm saying. Those symptoms, in MY house, are not valid reasons to be mean. I can't think of any other way to say what I've said so I'm done.

[dawn of ns]

Some of you are still insisting that I am encouraging some sort of militant punishment. I have not said anything like that. I am just suggesting that you very clearly tell your children what is OK and what is NOT. Spell out the rules until they are crystal clear and then spell out the consequences that go with the rules. Be consistent. Have a plan. Stop trying to parent on a wing and a prayer, by the seat of your pants or however you want to put it. If you have a plan and everyone is aware of the rules, it will be a little easier to deal with it without trying to figure out what to do next....should I give them a snack or a drink or a nap or a shower??? Deal with the behavior is all I'm saying. Those symptoms, in MY house, are not valid reasons to be mean. I can't think of any other way to say what I've said so I'm done.

 

It sounds like you have a lot to say on this. The tactful thing to do would be to offer what advice you have on the situation and then start your own thread to deal with the wider issue of weak or improper parenting. It's not fair to Alana that her thread, her request for help, has now been run off the rails by this.

[mrsdash]

It sounds like you have a lot to say on this. The tactful thing to do would be to offer what advice you have on the situation and then start your own thread to deal with the wider issue of weak or improper parenting. It's not fair to Alana that her thread, her request for help, has now been run off the rails by this.

 

Yeah, fair enough. And thanks but I am alone in this so I think I'll pass. Thanks :)

[EricaB]

If anyone is interested, Ginger Plowman wrote several books on these issues dealing with various age groups. I really enjoyed hearing her speak at our convention too. Her premise is that disrespect is disrespect no matter what the circumstances. However, teaching the kids how to deal with these circumstances and respecting others are of equal importance. It is a Christian resource, but the methods are still applicable if this doesn't bother you. She also offers other author publications that she references.

 

http://www.gingerplowman.com/products.html

 

Don't Make Me Count to Three - I love this one

 

No More Whining - I didn't use this, but it looks like a good method depending on you DC

 

Heaven At Home

 

Reaching the Heart of Your Child

 

What Lies Beneath: Getting the Heart of Anger in Children

 

A Peaceful Home

 

Wise Words for Mom - Teaches using scripture to discipline. Very helpful for us. She takes scripture and puts it into practical confrontational situations that come up with kids of all ages. This method was a little awkward at first, but we started to see amazing changes in our family after just a short time.

[Alana in Canada]

Erica--I've been thinking about this:

 

However, if you'd like to pm me and can tell me why you are asking,

 

Apologies. It's none of my business why you are asking. But I need your e-mail to send them, if you still want them, so pm me (or easier, just send me an e-mail. My computer has been acting up on me today so maybe you already have and I just haven't got it.)

 

Mrs. Dash, I'd like to encourage you to start a thread on discipline on the general board. It's a topic on which we all have something to say and it can be quite instructive. Just a small word of advice, if you will, though. Be gentle.

[TraceyS/FL]

And, I also said that I would come down more on her if this was not so unusual, but that as it is unusual, I would try this first.

 

 

Some of you are still insisting that I am encouraging some sort of militant punishment. I have not said anything like that. I am just suggesting that you very clearly tell your children what is OK and what is NOT. Spell out the rules until they are crystal clear and then spell out the consequences that go with the rules. Be consistent. Have a plan. Stop trying to parent on a wing and a prayer, by the seat of your pants or however you want to put it. If you have a plan and everyone is aware of the rules, it will be a little easier to deal with it without trying to figure out what to do next....should I give them a snack or a drink or a nap or a shower??? Deal with the behavior is all I'm saying. Those symptoms, in MY house, are not valid reasons to be mean. I can't think of any other way to say what I've said so I'm done.

 

Well, in my case - sitting there and waiting for the rage moment to pass is all i can do..... my dealings with a special needs child is a lot different. In her case, it's easy to see at the moment if she IS tired or hungry, she just can't recognize that in herself and it comes out in other ways.

 

it's taken me YEARS to figure this out. It doesn't phase me any more - because i don't take it personally. She doesn't mean what she is saying - she's just frustrated and can't recognize that.....

 

not saying that everyone has that, but as a parent it's my job to help learn my child. Never fear, that child did get a swat on her behind and sent to time out - it isn't always a frustration thing, but with her, it is 95% of the time.

 

Anyway...... i just had to spew my 2 cents worth...

[EricaB]

Erica--I've been thinking about this:

 

 

 

Apologies. It's none of my business why you are asking. But I need your e-mail to send them, if you still want them, so pm me (or easier, just send me an e-mail. My computer has been acting up on me today so maybe you already have and I just haven't got it.)

 

 

 

 

 

No reason but to hear what you have to say. My husband, specifically likes to read parenting and homeschool books so he can have a better grasp on how to help me when I can't put "it" into words. Since parenting is a 50/50 adventure for us, we like to have as many tools as possible to stay consistent. Erica

[Carol in Cal.]

That's fine. Do what works for you. I am not going to offer my kids a nap, a snack or a drink when they are not behaving. To me, that is absurd. To you, it's a working strategy and helps you get further in your end result.Maybe we have different end goals. As for being in good company, hey, whatever makes you feel confirmed. I look to my grandmother for example more than anyone else. I consider myself in good company,too. You are taking my observations and opinions as a personal attack and that's unfortunate. It wasn't my intention, I just tire of the same complaints from mothers who seem exasperated with their kids. If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten...I'm sure you've heard that.

 

I didn't take anything as a personal attack in your previous postings, and I defy you to point to anything in my notes that would indicate that I did. I merely feel that you have entirely misinterpreted what I and others have said, which is quite unfortunate as we agree far more than you seem to think.

 

Of course, this is a snippy remark if not a personal attack:

'I'm sure you've heard that'

But hey, maybe you need a sandwich. We all have those days.

[Alana in Canada]

maybe you need a sandwich

 

I laughed so hard, I think the kids think I've lost my mind!

[newbie]

And, I also said that I would come down more on her if this was not so unusual, but that as it is unusual, I would try this first.

QUOTE]

 

Some of you are still insisting that I am encouraging some sort of militant punishment. I have not said anything like that. I am just suggesting that you very clearly tell your children what is OK and what is NOT. Spell out the rules until they are crystal clear and then spell out the consequences that go with the rules. Be consistent. Have a plan. Stop trying to parent on a wing and a prayer, by the seat of your pants or however you want to put it. If you have a plan and everyone is aware of the rules, it will be a little easier to deal with it without trying to figure out what to do next....should I give them a snack or a drink or a nap or a shower??? Deal with the behavior is all I'm saying. Those symptoms, in MY house, are not valid reasons to be mean. I can't think of any other way to say what I've said so I'm done.

 

I dont think hunger and thirst are symptoms, it sounds like being sick is way overboard. You are going to extremes, every child is different. I love both my kids and raise them w/same rules, although one likes to overstep boundaries and test the waters, that is normal. That is what teenagers do, I just write it off to the symptom of hormones.

 

There are lots of symptoms and as a mom, its my job to be the doctor and figure out best way to treat that child at that moment.

 

And, if a mom or dad wants to vent on the board, every power to them. I will always support them.:001_smile:

 

Let the tomatoes fly.

[Alana in Canada]

Since this thread will not die, I wanted to comment on the sandwich, the drink, the nap, and the shower, parenting plan.

 

I want to equip her for adult life, as well as have a peaceful, appropriate homelife.

 

There have been many a day which has been frustrating and harrowing and I've found it difficult to hold on to my temper and my impatience. Sometimes, I'll be talking to dh about it as I get supper--and then a light bulb will go on. All I've had is coffee! I haven't eaten all day!

 

Had I learned that my emotions can be controlled --not by externally applied discipline--but by self-care, I can tell you that I could have a had a lot more good days than bad.

 

Different kids require different approaches at different times. The food helped yesterday. And this morning she needed a sore bottom.