PrincessMommy Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 this is probably more vent but I'd love to know how other would deal with this. So I try to keep my friends list down pretty low. I try to avoid friending people I see on a regular basis and keep it mostly to distant friends/family, local people I rarely get to see anymore, or people I know online (like here). It doesn't always work that way, but I still try to be very choosy about who I friend (esp. with the Prez. elections coming :huh: ) So, someone we used to go to church with nearly 20yrs ago sent me a friend request a couple of months ago. This is someone who is socially awkward. She's a very sweet lady, but to try and put it as delicately as possible, she probably has a mental disability related to IQ. Maybe even would be considered on the spectrum today (she's in her 60s) . She's long-time widow and never had any children. It was a small church we went to, but we weren't friends... and we never really had anything in common. I haven't seen her since we left that church. So I friended her when she asked. But, since then she has repeatedly PMd me to ask to get together for dinner or lunch. She has invited me to one of those buying parties (like Pampered Chef or something), and now has invited my dh and I to her b-day party at a restaurant. I make it a point to never go to one of those parties and we can't do her birthday anyway, so those are non-issues. Before the last 2 invites I was considering taking her out to lunch one time, knowing that it might snowball...but willing to take that chance since she seems lonely. But, with the last two, I'm really concerned she won't be satisfied with a "one and done" get together. But, I still feel badly that she's reaching out to me and I don't know how to gently say "I'm not really interested." I can tell through her updates that she does get out with friends occasionally but she also puts memes on her feed about "knowing who your *real* friends are." , or "I'm thankful I can forgive those in my past who hurt me...." etc. etc. I feel terrible. I didn't friend her to re-connect personally IRL. But, she seems to think that's what it means. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I think I would quietly unfriend this person. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 (edited) Speaking of awkward, I was looking up a lady I used to work & chat with many years ago, and I accidentally clicked "add friend" onto another co-worker. I have no desire to friend this lady. I was horrified that she was going to find my friend request and think, huh? I did manage to figure out how to cancel the friend request before she saw it. :p Maybe this lady didn't even really care to be your "friend" but just invited you randomly. That's what I'd assume. There's nothing wrong with "cleaning house" and getting rid of random drama you don't need. Edited February 9, 2016 by SKL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 (edited) Speaking of awkward, I was looking up a lady I used to work & chat with many years ago, and I accidentally clicked "add friend" onto another co-worker. I have no desire to friend this lady. I was horrified that she was going to find my friend request and think, huh? I did manage to figure out how to cancel the friend request before she saw it. :p Maybe this lady didn't even really care to be your "friend" but just invited you randomly. That's what I'd assume. There's nothing wrong with "cleaning house" and getting rid of random drama you don't need. No I think she cares.. that's why she keeps PMing me to try and get together. I fear she may not fully understand that, given her intellectual disabilities. Edited February 9, 2016 by PrincessMommy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jyhwkmama Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I think sometimes the direct approach is kinder in the long run than the avoidance plan. I would go with, "I lead such an action packed life there is no way I have time to get together. I wish you well, but am unable to meet up with you." Then I would unfriend her. You are an adult. Be kind, but you do not have to see her. It is ok to say "no." I give you permission. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrairieSong Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I feel sorry for people who are lonely, but if you only see her out of pity, that is not a true friendship. I would either unfriend her now, or keep denying her requests for IRL get togethers and hope she gets the message. I honestly think it is kinder not to drag it out though. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrairieSong Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 No I think she cares.. that's why she keeps PMing me to try and get together. I fear she may not fully understand that, given her intellectual disabilities. Something you wrote reminded me of the MLM thread. She invited you to some kind of sales party. Do you think she is trying to grow a business and that is why she friended you? Maybe she is contacting all the old friends and acquaintances she can find. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I think sometimes the direct approach is kinder in the long run than the avoidance plan. I would go with, "I lead such an action packed life there is no way I have time to get together. I wish you well, but am unable to meet up with you." Then I would unfriend her. You are an adult. Be kind, but you do not have to see her. It is ok to say "no." I give you permission. If I were in your position, I would respond with the same bolded comment above. I personally wouldn't unfriend her yet, but I surely would over the next several months. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I am sorry to say I unfriended a "long lost" cousin because of similar behavior. She was constantly putting, "I'm so lonely" memes up on her FB page and also Vague-booking about "people" doing or saying this or that. I felt bad about doing it, but I am not inviting that drama into my peaceful life. I unfriended her. I am sure she was or will be upset when she discover/ed that we are not FB friends anymore, and I don't want to cause someone upset, but I also have to protect my own peace and don't owe her anything just because we are related. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I don't know how to gently say "I'm not really interested." I can tell through her updates that she does get out with friends occasionally but she also puts memes on her feed about "knowing who your *real* friends are." , or "I'm thankful I can forgive those in my past who hurt me...." etc. etc. It sounds like you're NOT her real friend. So unfriend her. At least you won't be leading her on. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 Something you wrote reminded me of the MLM thread. She invited you to some kind of sales party. Do you think she is trying to grow a business and that is why she friended you? Maybe she is contacting all the old friends and acquaintances she can find. No, I don't think she is. IIRC, she had several of these when we went to the same church. I think she's someone who likes to have them Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 It sounds like you're NOT her real friend. So unfriend her. At least you won't be leading her on. Are all your FB your REAL friends? Aren't some more like acquaintances who you don't mind keeping up with a little bit on FB, but don't really see outside of that? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrairieSong Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Are all your FB your REAL friends? Aren't some more like acquaintances who you don't mind keeping up with a little bit on FB, but don't really see outside of that? Some of my FB friends are acquaintances or friends from long ago whom I see rarely or never, but they are not making repeated requests to get together IRL. I unfriended someone, a casual friend I hadn't seen in a decade. She had moved far away so she wasn't requesting get togethers, but she liked every single status or photo of mine almost as soon as I posted, within a minute or two, and some of her comments were odd. She considered us "dear friends". It was weird. I hid her from my FB for a few months, then unfriended. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Are all your FB your REAL friends? Aren't some more like acquaintances who you don't mind keeping up with a little bit on FB, but don't really see outside of that? No, all of my FB are real friends. I currently have 22 FB friends. I don't care to allow casual acquaintances or people I barely know to have a window into my life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimm Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I am sorry to say I unfriended a "long lost" cousin because of similar behavior. She was constantly putting, "I'm so lonely" memes up on her FB page and also Vague-booking about "people" doing or saying this or that. I felt bad about doing it, but I am not inviting that drama into my peaceful life. I unfriended her. I am sure she was or will be upset when she discover/ed that we are not FB friends anymore, and I don't want to cause someone upset, but I also have to protect my own peace and don't owe her anything just because we are related. I unfriended a cousin and don't feel even a little bad about it. She had public fights with her mother and sister, bashed everyone in her life, was constantly negative and whiny and complaining. I haven't even met this cousin and after a year or so of her facebook updates, I hope I never do. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Do you ever run into her anywhere? If not, I'd probably just quietly unfriend her and let it go at that. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom22ns Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 With her mental disability, I would be direct. Gentle. Kind. Direct. "I'm sorry, my life is very full right now. I just don't room for more friends and cannot get together with you." I have a lot of experience with ASD children and adults. Direct is always best. They need the direct answer to understand. Giver her a gentle direct answer. I would do that before I unfriended and see if it takes care of it. If not, I would unfriend. I do have many FB friends who are not friends. Most were friends in my past, but some were more of casual acquaintances from my past. I am very quick to unfollow them, so none of their posts show up in my newsfeed. I've done this with most of dh's extended family even. In fact of my 200+ friends there are probably only about 20 that show up in my newsfeed :lol: . However, your newsfeed isn't the issue it is PMs. I'd be direct, then I'd unfriend if necessary. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 (edited) With her mental disability, I would be direct. Gentle. Kind. Direct. "I'm sorry, my life is very full right now. I just don't room for more friends and cannot get together with you." I have a lot of experience with ASD children and adults. Direct is always best. They need the direct answer to understand. Giver her a gentle direct answer. I would do that before I unfriended and see if it takes care of it. If not, I would unfriend. I do have many FB friends who are not friends. Most were friends in my past, but some were more of casual acquaintances from my past. I am very quick to unfollow them, so none of their posts show up in my newsfeed. I've done this with most of dh's extended family even. In fact of my 200+ friends there are probably only about 20 that show up in my newsfeed :lol: . However, your newsfeed isn't the issue it is PMs. I'd be direct, then I'd unfriend if necessary. This is helpful too. Thanks. I'm not comfortable unfriending her just yet, especially given her disability. I did tell her that we can't come to the b-day party, but haven't responded to the other invitations. Edited February 9, 2016 by PrincessMommy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PineFarmMom Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I agree with quietly unfriending if you don't feel able to be a friend to her. Sometimes I feel that God may be wanting me to get involved in situations like that, for my benefit as well as the other person's, and sometimes I just know that I don't have the time or inclination to give to it right now because, well, life... I got off of FB last summer and have not returned. There are occasions that I feel I "should" get back on, to be more friendly or to share pics with family, but this is election year and I just don't think I can deal with it. I think I am a better friend to people when I don't see their stuff on FB. In the past week a very sad/involved drama situation happened on FB with a friend's son and it was known among a large group of homeschool and church friends. I was made aware of it by another friend that is on FB. I felt very relieved that I wasn't "there" to see it all unfold and to be aware of the comments made by all the people I know. I'm not among the normal people in my feelings regarding FB...I know this. Haha 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 I agree with quietly unfriending if you don't feel able to be a friend to her. Sometimes I feel that God may be wanting me to get involved in situations like that, for my benefit as well as the other person's, and sometimes I just know that I don't have the time or inclination to give to it right now because, well, life... I got off of FB last summer and have not returned. There are occasions that I feel I "should" get back on, to be more friendly or to share pics with family, but this is election year and I just don't think I can deal with it. I think I am a better friend to people when I don't see their stuff on FB. In the past week a very sad/involved drama situation happened on FB with a friend's son and it was known among a large group of homeschool and church friends. I was made aware of it by another friend that is on FB. I felt very relieved that I wasn't "there" to see it all unfold and to be aware of the comments made by all the people I know. I'm not among the normal people in my feelings regarding FB...I know this. Haha No, I get it. It's partly why I try not to friend people I see regularly (it's getting harder to do that though). I see it as a way to keep in touch with faraway people - at least for me. I know everyone does FB differently. And your first paragraph is SO true. I had that feeling (or intuition) from time to time too. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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