Ideas to bring stepfamilies closer?

[lisabees]

Thanks for the ideas!

[kroe1]

If you figure this one out, I think you could make millions. There are certainly many books, psychologists, and experts all trying to figure it out, but does anything work better than time?

 

Heavy duty projects together like fixing up a teenager car, remodeling a room, or turning the garage into a rec room might help.

 

Obstacle courses and those places one has to solve the mystery to escape the room might be fun.

 

My grandmother swore a scavenger hunt would solve any teenage angst.

 

Keep daily activities as group projects. For example, a pancake dinner where each kiddo contributes a piece of the meal.

[Spryte]

Smoms.org - seriously. It's a safe, private place to brainstorm with other stepmoms.

 

Time together doing normal things - dinner, etc. Movies don't require talking but you're together. Projects. Making things for gifts.

 

For something special: Is there an Escape Room near you? What about those cool citywide scavenger hunts? A survival course? Split into teams.

 

I'm envisioning teens, my list would be different for younger kids.

 

Oh, and a big one in the adoption world - a family portrait. It will be met with groans, but make yourselves do it. It's a claiming thing. But a lot of that works in the stepfamily world too, or I'd for me (my skid is 24 now, we had our rough times, too).

[ThisIsTheDay]

How often are all of the children together in the same house? Or what groups of stepkids are most often together? Also, can you recruit any of the older kids to help in the whole "let's get along and enjoy each other" idea? Maybe by taking them out, either with their own parent, or with you and dh as a couple? 

 

A lot of this is dynamics.  Are the bio siblings grouped by age, or are they mixed within the age ranges?

 

It may be good to start small, with smaller groups of kids bonding instead of the group of six as a whole.

 

How limited are you by cost?  Could you do things together with you and dh, and a couple of the kids?

 

Although I don't have stepfamily experience, my parents were divorced, and my dad often had girlfriends with children. Spending time with my dad meant we were sharing girlfriend/her kids time.  What worked were things away from anyone's home, a neutral turf, and helped us to relax, bond the kids, and create real memories. 

[lisabees]

nm

[HS Mom in NC]

As a step-child I'm going to warn you against heavy handed bonding efforts-especially with teens.  I know the step-parents are all excited and gung ho about getting everyone bonded, but the reality is very different than that.  Rose colored glasses are a poor accessory choice. I consider all my step-siblings (some permanent and some no longer technically step -siblings, that marriage didn't make it) the same as my bio-sibling.  Our parents had absolutely nothing to do with that. I happened organically on its own.  Not all of them feel the same way.

How long have you been married?   

What's the sibling dynamic within each set of bio siblings?

Do any of the step-siblings have any shared interests?

What are the personality dynamics between step-siblings and bio siblings?

 

[lisabees]

nm

[Ottakee]

There is likely a lot of jealously going on as you can't keep things fair when kids are with other bio parents and coming and going.  They just won't all be the same.  With one homeschooled and some in school that is going to be tough as well.

 

I like the idea of various physical activities where everyone is working together.....hikes, geocaching, kayaking, ropes courses, etc.

 

I agree that you can't make them all love each other immensely.  They have gone through divorce and now have extra siblings and their world has changed a great deal.........and 12 is super hard for girls anyway.  Family counseling might help if you have someone experienced with step families.

 

Maybe pair the kids up in different combos (starting with ones that are more likely to work) to have them help you cook, work on a project, run errands, etc.

 

just throwing out ideas what what we do with foster kids coming and going here.

[Laura Corin]

Can I put it from the other point of view?  There's no particular reason that the children whose home was 'invaded' (I'm assuming that your husband lived in the house with his two daughters before you moved in) should feel happy about it.  Why should they see if from another perspective?  They are young, their house is no longer solely their own, their father is no longer solely their own, and none of it is of their choosing.  It's very normal that they be resentful and act out.  Really, why wouldn't they?

 

When my stepmother and her dog moved in with us, displacing my mother, my brothers took to teasing the dog.  My brothers are not naturally cruel, but they felt enormous resentment and they let it out on the dog.  I let my resentment simmer inside and have recently, forty years later, begun to be immensely angry at my stepmother.

 

Instead of concentrating on bonding or getting them to see other perspectives, I'd look more into sympathising, mitigating and riding the storm.  Let them express how angry they are, rather than expecting them to play nice.

 

ETA: the 'mean' girl?  I was pretty mean when I was twelve and was dealing with family break up/blending.  I was a mess and lashed out.  I was dealing with a massive amount of adult stuff being thrown at me, and was expected to be a good girl about it.

[MinivanMom]

I see the similar interests between the 12-yr-olds as a potential source of huge conflict. I understand why you would view it as similar interests, but it's hard for them to be the same age, same grade, and then same interests on top of it. If you view your sd as the " typical mean girl" and your own daughter as the nice homeschooled girl, then they probably sense that. Your view of the situation may be unconsciously fueling the anger and resentment.

 

Bonding is probably the last thing they want right now. They probably need some serious space from each other. It's okay for them to not be bonded. It's okay for sd12 and sd15 to grieve the family they lost. It's okay for them to feel resentful that their home was invaded. It's okay for them to feel angry. You have to respect their right to their emotions or they're going to resent the new blended family even more. If you say their mother is encouraging this, I believe you, but you need to understand that this is a very normal and age-appropriate reaction even in situations where everyone is supportive. The girls aren't doing anything wrong.

[SebastianCat]

I would also encourage giving them space, and making sure they each have individual time with their bio parents.    For girls, I think 12 is an especially difficult age even with an intact nuclear family.    I would try reinforcing their individual strengths and character traits, and do activities together that don't force the bonding.

 

My parents divorced when I was 13 and my dad almost immediately remarried.   In that marriage I gained a 12-year-old step sister, whom I hated.   We tolerated each other when we were forced to be together, but what really improved the relationship was time and maturity.   When I left for college, the hatred cooled, and as young adults, we never sought each other out but were pleasant to each other for holidays and family gatherings.   But since I've had children, my step mom has been a phenomenal grandma and my step sister is a wonderful aunt.   We've actually become friends.

[KungFuPanda]

I feel a little sad for the younger sdd. Her mom sounds like a dud. Her older sister who is very close to her is bonding with her new sister. Her stepmom thinks she's mean. She may be completely overwhelmed by large family dynamics. EVERYBODY is older than her. All this AND puberty. She may just need some extra time and attention from the adults in her life and a little space from her siblings.

[TianXiaXueXiao]

Do your kids live with you and their step-dad full time? If this is the case, your step-kids probably feel a lot of pain over the fact that they are now visitors who see their dad part-time while your children see him daily in their own home. I was the step-daughter who had access to my step-siblings father 24/7. I always wanted to be accepted by them but it didn't happen. I strongly encourage you to do family counseling with everyone together. These are hard dynamics to work out and both sets of children need to have their pain and concerns heard in a safe, well-moderated environment with a professional.

[Laura Corin]

OP: I know that the last few posts are not want you want to hear.  No one is saying that you are a bad person for wanting everyone to be happy and to get along.  It is a terribly hard thing that you are asking of they children in your new family, however.  After two years, you may feel that it is time for people to get over the hurt and get on with their lives.  Unfortunately, that's just not how it (often) works: some children are just hurt and hurt again by family break up - every day is an affront, however nice the adults.

 

Perhaps the worst day of my life was the day of my father's remarriage.  I had been living with my stepmother-to-be for around five years by then.  All the adults had played nice.  But I barely held it together all day, whilst I was supposed to be being good and mature (I was fifteen).  One uncle came up to me and asked how I was doing - I almost broke down, but I remembered his kindness until his dying day: I mentioned it to his daughter after his death and it was brought up in the eulogy.

 

Best wishes with your endeavours.

[lisabees]

OP: I know that the last few posts are not want you want to hear.  No one is saying that you are a bad person for wanting everyone to be happy and to get along.  It is a terribly hard thing that you are asking of they children in your new family, however.  After two years, you may feel that it is time for people to get over the hurt and get on with their lives.  Unfortunately, that's just not how it (often) works: some children are just hurt and hurt again by family break up - every day is an affront, however nice the adults.

 

Perhaps the worst day of my life was the day of my father's remarriage.  I had been living with my stepmother-to-be for around five years by then.  All the adults had played nice.  But I barely held it together all day, whilst I was supposed to be being good and mature (I was fifteen).  One uncle came up to me and asked how I was doing - I almost broke down, but I remembered his kindness until his dying day: I mentioned it to his daughter after his death and it was brought up in the eulogy.

 

Best wishes with your endeavours.

 

Thanks again.