How to I tactfully and nicely tell DD she is too fat to wear something?

[chaik76]

Well, well, well. I've gone shopping with DD, and I see you all have been having fun without me. :D

 

We went to Salvation Army. DD bought a sleeveless shirt to wear under a low-cut shirt (it fills in where cleavage would otherwise be. She bought a hoodie from Aeropostale (and tried on 3 more, but they were too small). She also bought a pair of jeans.

 

I'm the wonder woman who found the Aeropostale hoodies. DD didn't want me to suggest anything -- but she took those to try on. :001_smile:

 

She looks great.

 

We had the modesty and body-type discussion before we left.

 

Thank you all for your help. We didn't argue about anything! Plus, I found a pair of Old Navy jeans and a Hard Rock Cafe long-sleeved t-shirt for DS1, which fit and which he loves.

 

All in all, it was the first good shopping trip we've had in awhile.

 

RC

I wish our Salvation Army had the stuff yours does! Ours has clothes from Wal-Mart that have been through three or four kids!

[RoughCollie]

I looked through at least a thousand items of clothing to find these gems -- they were the only gems -- and I bought all that we could use. It took DD and me 1.5 hours, but it was worth it.

 

It is rare that I find more than one or two things at SA, but when I do, it's worth it to me. The treasure hunt is part of the allure.

 

It helps to go at the end and the beginning of seasons because that's when a lot of people get rid of clothing that doesn't fit. I didn't time it that closely yesterday because I was desperate to get DD something cheap that she liked for picture day today. I nearly chickened out and took her to Target, but then I realized that she would find a lot more clothing she had to have there, and my budget couldn't take it.

 

 

I wish our Salvation Army had the stuff yours does! Ours has clothes from Wal-Mart that have been through three or four kids!

[RoughCollie]

IMHO, DON'T BRING IN BODY TYPE!

 

Before we went shopping, I talked to DD about body types. I used myself and friends of mine as examples. For instance, I explained how Suz is pear-shaped, what that means, and how she wears longer jackets because of it. I told her how when I used to go shopping (before kids), I would look good in many dresses, but great in a select few because of my body type. My friends would look at the dresses on the hangers and say they were awful, but I'd try them on because I knew the style would look great on someone with my body type.

 

When DD tried on clothes, I bought her what she wanted. She knew better than to get anything that was blatantly provocative because of our modesty discussion, so she didn't bother to push the envelope. The tops she bought were black and they look very nice on her. (I did not discuss colors.)

 

Then last night, I took the plunge and bought her a Teen magazine. When I was a girl, I loved that magazine and I recall it covered teen fashions very well. I haven't read it yet, except for skimming the table of contents. I didn't say anything about it when I handed it to DD -- and I could tell she was thrilled that I am getting with the program, as she will be a teenager next month. She is starting to realize that I recognize she is no longer a little girl.

 

Sometimes I think that DD growing up is harder on me than it is on her.

 

RC

[RoughCollie]

I am always weighing these issues in my head. I do not want to be like my mother was and is. At the same time, I realize that DD is used to me and she may take umbrage at something I do or say, even when I am trying to be gentle, because she isn't comparing me to my mother. If I hurt her feelings, she doesn't say to herself, "Well, at least that was only a little hurt compared to what Grandma said to Mom."

 

Plus, I think that my age (52) isn't always an asset. I try to remember how I felt as a teen so I can identify with DD, but is was a long time ago. I am not a young, hip mother and I often wish I had been able to have children much earlier so I would be closer in age to them.

 

I'm not consigned to a rocking chair yet, and I am trying hard to keep up with the times, to be more modern, without sacrificing our family's values. DH is in a similar boat -- he is 59, and even I have to remind him that things today are not like they were when we were young.

 

If I didn't have you all to consult, I would be in a world of hurt. I really appreciate your advice.

 

Thank you,

RC

 

Admitting that your mom was over critical is huge here...although you may not see it as critical as being compared to your mother's criticism, believe me, it's still criticism..we all try to be better than the mother before us, but we all have to acknowledge that we sometimes exhibit those behaviors unintentionally.

[Mom to Aly]

My dd is thin, but because of the excersize she does (running, etc), if she eats junk, her tummy sticks out a bit, and I'll rub my hand on it, and say "Look, there is your choc chip cookie", or something, just to joke--I don't know if you could do that? Otherwise, too things--it seems the style, no matter how big you are, to wear skin tight clothes--I mean, like size 24 and it is skin tight!!! Rolls of fat be ****ed!!! Ughhh!!!!

 

But I would blame it on myself otherwise. "I really don't like the skin tight stuff. I don't think it looks proper, or nice.", something like that.

[LibraryLover]

My dd is thin, but because of the excersize she does (running, etc), if she eats junk, her tummy sticks out a bit, and I'll rub my hand on it, and say "Look, there is your choc chip cookie", or something, just to joke--I don't know if you could do that?

 

.

 

OK. Really? No, please. Don't.

 

Are 9 years olds...or anyone...really supposed to have flat stomachs?

 

I can't imagine how horrible I would feel if I had something to eat and someone touched my stomach and said they could see my lunch.

[Slartibartfast]

My dd is thin, but because of the excersize she does (running, etc), if she eats junk, her tummy sticks out a bit, and I'll rub my hand on it, and say "Look, there is your choc chip cookie", or something, just to joke--I don't know if you could do that?

 

 

 

:001_huh:

 

I wouldn't talk to my dd like that.

 

 

That seems like it could really mess with a girl's head. It sounds like a very bad idea.

[Crissy]

My dd is thin, but because of the excersize she does (running, etc), if she eats junk, her tummy sticks out a bit, and I'll rub my hand on it, and say "Look, there is your choc chip cookie", or something, just to joke--

 

 

Obviously I don't know you or your daughter, but I would ask that you always keep in mind that your comments, no matter how innocent or gently you offer them, could always stay with her.

 

My family always made jokes about my appearance when I was growing up. I laughed with them, but their remarks did sting a bit. And they still do. I realize some of the things I so dislike about my face and my body are those that they poked fun at.

I can still hear the voice of my dad or one of my uncles laughing about my ears or my big lips when I look in the mirror, and I see what they saw. A goofy, ugly girl.

[nmoira]

 

Obviously I don't know you or your daughter, but I would ask that you always keep in mind that your comments, no matter how innocent or gently you offer them, could always stay with her.

As a former bulimic, I can attest to this.

[Plaid Dad]

but I would ask that you always keep in mind that your comments, no matter how innocent or gently you offer them, could always stay with her.

 

For the record, boys are not immune either. :(

[hornblower]

I do not like the whole "these clothes are flattering/or not to your body type" discussion at all.

 

While I think that gently addressing excess weight from a healthy eating/exercises perspective is critical, I would never suggest that someone not wear something because of their body shape.

 

Maybe it's because I know several very 'cool' dressing people who are significantly overweight. They know it, they're working on it, but in the meantime, they're using clothing and fashion to express themselves in the way they like. They wear tight shirts and yeah, their rolls are showing. So what? They're happy, they like their look & they're comfortable with where they are now. Power to them.

 

And the whole 'flattering' thing is just code for 'makes you look skinny', isn't it? Girls know that. They don't need to hear it from us.

 

I go solely by:

 

-is it age appropriate

-is it comfortable, not itchy

-does it stay where it's supposed to or will you have constantly adjust it

-does the color suit your coloring (though even there, I would never suggest someone not wear a certain color if they like it & like how they look in it)

-do you like the "fashion look" of the item & how it makes you feel

 

These are the criteria for me as well as for my kids.

 

There's plenty of time for her to develop her own neuroses about appearance; no need for it to come from home.

 

They're always beautiful, no matter what they're wearing, no matter their weight. Period. Full stop. No qualifiers.

 

If they ask an opinion - do you think this dress or that one is better? - then I'd wade in with very gentle preferences. This one drapes nicely. That is bunching up a bit by your waist & looks like it will hike up when you sit down. Something very factual & clear & about the clothes, not the person wearing them.

[5kidsforME]

My dd is thin, but because of the excersize she does (running, etc), if she eats junk, her tummy sticks out a bit, and I'll rub my hand on it, and say "Look, there is your choc chip cookie", or something, just to joke--I don't know if you could do that? Otherwise, too things--it seems the style, no matter how big you are, to wear skin tight clothes--I mean, like size 24 and it is skin tight!!! Rolls of fat be ****ed!!! Ughhh!!!!

 

But I would blame it on myself otherwise. "I really don't like the skin tight stuff. I don't think it looks proper, or nice.", something like that.

 

I know you love your daughter and I would just caution you to be very careful on this subject. It would have been really upsetting to me to have my mom or dad say that to me. Even if it didn't upset me at the time, things like that stick with girls. It may not bother her at 9 but in her teen years she may remember it.

[Mrs Mungo]

If they ask an opinion - do you think this dress or that one is better? - then I'd wade in with very gentle preferences. This one drapes nicely. That is bunching up a bit by your waist & looks like it will hike up when you sit down. Something very factual & clear & about the clothes, not the person wearing them.

 

This is fantastic advice.

[Mrs Mungo]

My dd is thin, but because of the excersize she does (running, etc), if she eats junk, her tummy sticks out a bit, and I'll rub my hand on it, and say "Look, there is your choc chip cookie", or something, just to joke--I don't know if you could do that? Otherwise, too things--it seems the style, no matter how big you are, to wear skin tight clothes--I mean, like size 24 and it is skin tight!!! Rolls of fat be ****ed!!! Ughhh!!!!

 

But I would blame it on myself otherwise. "I really don't like the skin tight stuff. I don't think it looks proper, or nice.", something like that.

 

:blink:

 

:leaving:

[Starr]

You have to be willing to spend alot of time shopping for clothes they like that fit properly. My daughter is finally believing me when I look at something and say it's not for her. I always have the final say based on modesty. I think you can teach your children to wear stylish clothes that look good on them without hurting their self esteem. You can however get tired of the shopping! :)