Question for moms who want more dc, but dh doesn't...

[stephanie]

Dh and I have 4 dc-ages 13, 9, 8, and 6. Ds13 is my step-son (I hate to even say that), but he's not my biological so I've only had 3 dc-physically. We've had ds13 since he was 2 to he's absolutely my baby. Anyway, when we had our last baby we decided that dh should have a vasectomy. However, that decision was made when I was 35 weeks pregnant, chasing 3 much younger kids around, and still vomiting all day. Dh had his vasectomy when dd was 1 month. I was practically pushing him out the door to get it done! But now, that decision has become the biggest regret of my life. When I talk to dh about it he is baffled b/c he reminds me of how much I wanted it done. Of course I remind him that no decisions made by a very pregnant, vomiting, tired or post-partum woman should ever hold so much weight. Nevertheless, he absolutely does not want any more dc. He likes where we're at in our lives with our children, and he says he doesn't want to go back to it. However, if miraculously I became pregnant then he would be happy, but he sure wasn't going for a reversal. It was going to have to be a God-thing. So I've prayed for peace to accept it, but that aching feeling never goes away. I go through spurts where I don't think much about it, but it always comes back. Today I talked to him about it again, but he seems to just laugh it off. I looked at him and told him that I was very serious about this, and he said he was too. He just doesn't want to do it all again. He reminds me of late nights, diapers, car seats, carriers, mastitis, but those are some of the things that I find endearing. (except mastitis) So where do I go from here? I absolutely respect his feelings, but how do I find peace? I am so very grateful for all I have, and I know many people can't even have just one, but that doesn't change my desire. I told dh today that I was made for having and raising babies...that I felt that was what God wanted me to do! He agreed, but thought we had just what God had intended us to have. So tell me something that will make me feel better...Please don't think that I'm not grateful for all I do have. I just could kick myself for making such a hasty decision on such an important matter in my life!

[Jann in TX]

I also think that it is most likely hormonal. Our bodies were MADE to make babies. I have friends who are near 60 and STILL have an ache for a baby.

 

After we lost our little boy in 2001 (still born just past mid term) I had an overwhelming drive to have another baby. It CONSUMED me. The pregancy had been a 'surprise' after way too many years of multiple losses and infertility. DH was comfortable where we were --but finally agreed. We had our youngest dd in 2002. It was an extremely difficult pregnancy. I do not have anywhere near the energy level I had when our older girls were little--I sort of feel like I'm short-changing youngest dd (but she is definately our SUNSHINE!).

 

Youngest dd is now 6 and while I sometimes feel the urge to have another--I know we are finished--and I'm glad I do not have to deal with an infant at the same time I'm dealing with teens (teens are just babies whose diapers you usually do not have to change!).

[Prairie~Phlox]

You probably need to just pray that you can come to peace where you are at. Have you ever read Power of a Praying Wife? It's really about us changing, not us changing our dh's. So really it's not about him, but about you. When you change, then he'll change. It is so true, I've been at a much better peace about things than before I read the book. My whole outlook on our marriage changed, my outlook on my dh changed, but most of all I changed.

 

Good luck, it's not easy.

Phlox

[Deana FL]

LOL...I made this suggestion to my husband just a few days ago. I asked him if it didn't cost too much, would he be willing. I didn't get a real clear response, I guess he was laughing too hard.

 

I have 3 children...my youngest is 5. I attribute my desire to seeing my baby grow up. I've had a baby or a toddler in my house for the past 11 years...I guess it's natural to long for that stage again.

 

I don't see my husband going for it. I have made the suggestion for a few years that we should consider adoption. But, for me, adopting an infant would not be my first choice. I'd rather have another kid, just to mix in with the rest of them.

 

For now, I snuggle, play and squeeze them as hard and as much as I can because it all passes by so fast.

[claire up north]

I think the feelings that you are describing are very normal. Most moms I know have them. (Not all, but most.) I know I do. It's hard sometimes for me now when I find out others are pregnant because I realize there's a part of me that would LOVE that.

 

But... there is also another part of me that I recognize. That's the part that KNOWS that sleep deprivation. The part that remembers the agony of trying to care for the new kid(s) AND the one I already had. The part that remembers the tiredness and the impatience and the feelings of being overwhelmed. And then this part reminds me that I am now 8 years older than the last time I did it...

 

I know the feelings, but I also try to remember the reality. There were good reasons for stopping. And there remain good reasons for not starting up again.

 

It sounds like from your post that your feelings are winning out over your knowledge. Maybe so. Quite honestly, I think that's perfectly OK and a fine reason to have another child. But, maybe you, like me, can start to recognize those competing voices for what they are and find peace for your decision despite your feelings.

[RebeccaS]

Well, here is my story, fwiw. I am 30, dh is 43. When our third child was born (he was our second surprise pregnancy) with a heart defect requiring surgery, we decided that dh would have a vas. Although I agreed, my heart was breaking. I was only 26 at the time and I didn't want to be done. But, my kids were 2, 1, and newborn. I was tired, we were dealing with health issues and Chris just had to look at me for me to get pregnant. So, we decided this was best. I have cried so many times since then. About 2.5 years ago, I started to think about adoption. It took me a long time to actually talk to Chris about it, but I had an open and honest conversation with him about it. I did a lot of research beforehand so that when we did talk, I could answer many of his questions. We ended up becomming lisenced foster to adopt parents. This past April we brought home our first foster placement and it has been so wonderful. She wasn't a baby (though I would still gladly take one in) and Chris has totally changed from not wanting anymore, no way no how, to yeah, this is great. In fact, he recently told me that should we be blessed to adopt one of our foster placements, he'd probably want to continue to foster. There is such an incredible need for foster parents. Perhaps you might want to look into that?

[Zelda]

I've told myself that I was biologically designed to want more children even though we might not be ideally suited to have more. I've decided I would probably always feel from time to time that I really, really want another but that it didn't mean I was "supposed" to. I find the desire does ebb and flow with no clear pattern. That's just me and how I deal with those stretches when I would love to have a baby or expand our brood.

[Storm Bay]

On the one hand, I agree that making the decision at 35 weeks pregnant while chasing 3 children is probably not the most objective and rational time to make it, I have to say that I think it needs to be both that want another child. I don't think it means that you made a mistake, particularly given your dh's feelings on the matter.

 

I still get urges to have another baby, and I'm way too old to be doing this (well, technically it's still possible, but I was 26 when my mother was my age, and 5 when her mother was my age, so I think it's safe to say I'm too..........not young enough anymore. Now I just tell myself that these urges are simply my longing for grandchildren, but that I can't be in any hurry because my eldest is 13 and needs to grow up first (plus that little detail of it being her decision factors into it somewhere;))

 

Personally, if I were to have more, I think I'd prefer to adopt rather than to be pregnant ever again. I'm not a fun person to be around when with child, perhaps because I started older than many, and I got crankier each time (my baby is 8 yo). But dh thinks we have all the dc we need. Not to mention that he's not big on a lot of noise.

[stephanie]

Thanks for the encouragement. I know that it is a lot of how I feel, and not necessarily what I NEED. I always think, "This is God putting it on my heart so he must want this for us!" But then dh says, "If it were His will then it would be on both of our hearts." So I'll continue to pray for direction, wisdom,and peace. I will hug my babies harder and kiss their little piggies! Thanks again for responding. I think I just needed to get it out. Now dh doesn't even want to sleep by me in case my prayers get answered!:D

[MomofSeven]

Thanks for the encouragement. I know that it is a lot of how I feel, and not necessarily what I NEED. I always think, "This is God putting it on my heart so he must want this for us!" But then dh says, "If it were His will then it would be on both of our hearts." So I'll continue to pray for direction, wisdom,and peace. I will hug my babies harder and kiss their little piggies! Thanks again for responding. I think I just needed to get it out. Now dh doesn't even want to sleep by me in case my prayers get answered!:D

 

I tried to get passed it with prayer and re-focusing but the desire never went away. In fact it got so bad I found myself crying and depressed - alot! I finally got the courage to write a letter to my husband explaining my physical and emotional need for a child. It was very difficult to do since I'm not one to get emotional but the desire for another child was so strong.

 

When he read that letter, which spelled out specifically how strong my feelings were, I think he understood for the first time what I was feeling. He finally agreed to have another. Today I have a 6 month old baby girl.

 

Please don't misunderstand, I wasn't trying to manipulate him. I was very careful to pray about it before I wrote my letter to him. But in the end I jsut had to make sure he knew how I felt so he could decide. Anyway, not saying this is what you should do, but it may help your dh to understand your heart.

[Carrie12345]

Thanks for the encouragement. I know that it is a lot of how I feel, and not necessarily what I NEED. I always think, "This is God putting it on my heart so he must want this for us!" But then dh says, "If it were His will then it would be on both of our hearts." So I'll continue to pray for direction, wisdom,and peace. I will hug my babies harder and kiss their little piggies! Thanks again for responding. I think I just needed to get it out. Now dh doesn't even want to sleep by me in case my prayers get answered!:D

 

I think that's a great way of looking at it.

 

Dh and I have "only" been married for almost 8 years. In that time, we've both changed positions (more than once) on how many children to have, and we have found ourselves on opposite sides, so to speak.

 

While I do have some baby lust going on right now, it's really not right for our family at this time, for many reasons. When it is the right time to add on (and I have a feeling it will be one day), we will be considering options beyond pregnancy and babies.

 

Unless and until that time comes, we've got a pretty awesome family keeping us occupied.

[A.J. at J.A.]

I will always want more babies. I think my dh is done. I understand in my head but I don't think my heart ever will. :grouphug:

 

This is exactly me, except DH knows he is done. I think I will always want more, but the reality is that I couldn't be the mom to my boys the way I want to (and the way I am now) if I had more children.

 

Angela

[Peela]

My dh is done too, and had a vasectomy after my now 12year old was born. I agreed at the time, too. I have regretted it ever since, and have wanted another child ever since. Dh has never regretted it- he has 3 children and I have two (I have a stepdd19). He is very clear he doesn't want another, but he has compassion that I do. We do talk about it every now and then.

 

In the end, I believe that in this case, it is always the one who doesn't want the child who gets the final word. I know it's hard to deal with the longings, as I do regularly- often monthly it will come up strongly. But it's just a part of maturity, of being an adult, that we cant always get what we want.

[PameliaSue]

I've had a long road wrestling with this very thing. How many children? Do we let God decide? Is it a sin to prevent conception? Why would anyone refuse a blessing?

I have Luke, Mark, Olivia and Asher. When Mark was born we had to make a decision. Both of us came from a family with only 2 children. I really wanted to try for a girl but more than a 2 child home was foreign to both of us. So I started praying and asking, "What does God say about it?" I came across the magazine Above Rubies and subscribed to it. I also read about lots of Christian families online who let God govern the fertility in their homes. I approached my dh with this info and he was open and willing to not worry about a number.

A couple of months later Luke was lying in my bed and telling me, "Mommy, I want a baby sister." I told him he would have to ask Jesus. So right there he prayed and I conceived that month. Olivia came and what a blessing it is to be entrusted with a girl! But now we were outnumbered. My dh was a lot less sure about more children. After Olivia my dh was done and really expressed concern over providing for another child. I submitted to his decision and.I.grieved.

But as #3 got older the odd number of children really became a burden in our family structure. There is always someone left out. My 2 older would fight over whose turn it was to play with Olivia. It was tough. Then my dh broke both of his arms in a dirt bike accident and was home for 6 months recovering. He got to see first hand how uneven our home felt. He agreed with me that someone was missing in our home. So I became pregnant with Asher. My pregnancies are especially difficult I am sick for most of the time. I had such a hard time caring for my other children. I decided during this last pregnancy that I was ready to be done too. I had to plead for baby #4 as it was. And the reality of children is a whole lot different than any idealist notion I had. It was during this time I realized 2 things.

 

1.) The families that follow God in this way are called to it. In the same way one is called to be a pastor or missionary. Because of the shear size a family can become when fertility is left to the Lord it IS a ministry and BOTH husband and wife must be called to it.

 

2.) I will grieve the passing of my fertile years no matter when it comes. It is a right of passage that EVERY woman must walk. I was reading an Above Rubies magazine one day during my pregnancy with #4. One of the articles was from a mother of 13 children. She was sharing about her desire to have just one more baby before the change of life moved her beyond her fertile years. She was sharing her grief over moving on past fertility. I realized in that moment that my grief was NORMAL. That no matter how many children I have that when the last one comes I WILL GRIEVE.

 

My husband had a vasectomy in December '07. Our youngest was 6 months. I was able to have peace. I have no idea how I will feel in 5 or 10 years from now. I am still young, only 29. I do know this though. We did not make the decision lightly and I really examined my heart before hand. My husband can be a push over and I am sure with enough pressure I could have made him budge but the consequences of that could be terrible indeed. I pray that in the future when/if this issue comes up I can look back on the Pamelia I was at 28 and trust her to make the decision for Pamelia at 35 or 40.

 

All of that to say I believe your grief is normal, a right of passage if you will. If a woman with 13 children will grieve than we all will grieve.:grouphug:

[Nestof3]

Stephanie,

 

We have a bit in common in that my oldest is not my biological son either, so I've only given birth to two. My husband is also 49, while I am 36. We actually were discussing having another baby, much at his urging. Both of us get sad thinking that we will not have another baby. Physically, we could still have another, but we have 5 people living in an 1,100 sq foot house, my husband is self-employed with no benefits, we pay our own health insurance, etc. We cannot even figure out how to squeeze a baby in here. Then, there's just the whole starting over again. My husband would be willing to move for my sake, but I don't want him having to work as much as he's working now when he's in his 70's. We only have three more years to pay on our house, and the last thing I want to do is take out another mortage. We aim to be debt-free so that we can start putting away for our old age.

 

It helped for me to realize that no matter when we decided Ben was our last -- whether it was by choice or by menopause, there would be a grieving. I thought a lot about the fact that I also want to enjoy some years with my husband after our kids move on. Being that he's so much older, I feel that really is something to consider.

 

Honestly, I feel quite maxed out most of the time. Homeschooling, helping with the business, and taking care of domestic things really take a lot out of me. I am a high-strung person -- the house has to be clean, things have to be organized, and so on.

 

Sometimes I get frustrated. Sometimes I feel robbed because I only had two babies. But, I really am very blessed. I hope I've helped you in some way.

[Nestof3]

Oh, and this is only the second time I've shared this info with anyone.

 

The first time was the other night with the WTM ladies who meet once a month. I felt so silly for crying about it in the middle of the Barnes and Noble coffe shop. It is a sad thing -- I bawl whenever I see pictures of my boys as babies.

 

But, I also remind myself of the wonderful years ahead -- being friends with my kids as they are older, of having the empty nest years with my husband.

[sunshine]

I could cry rivers with you girls. I can't remember a time when I haven't longed for another child. I understand your deep grief and the ache of not having one. Our very first child died at 37 weeks and my first birth was to one who would never take a breath. From that moment on I longed for a child to replace the cold one that I held so briefly before surrendering her to Christ's arms.

 

Then we were blessed with a son, a strong wonderful son 2 yrs later. Then nothing. No amount of trying or pleading or praying worked. It was devestating and my dh was so satisfied with our son that he was not a bit of help compassion wise. He has never understood the longing. He is one to be grateful for what is in front of him. Something that I have tried to learn as I admire that. But after much begging, and I am ashamed to say threats we conceived unnaturally. And my angelpuss was born, beauty and sweetness 8 yrs after our son. Then after much begging again, another unnatural conception occurred and there was our daughter, the Faithinator, as she is referred to around here.

 

Nothing has satisfied this longing. We have tried 8 more times in 2 years unnaturally and naturally. Herbs, fertility drugs, the whole 9 yards. And there I am, every month grieving. And I wonder will it never end? Maybe some of us are meant to long for children. It opens our hearts and our minds to the needs of other children that are not ours if we let it. I have in the past year homeschooled 3 other teenagers that are not mine. I have put one in private school, moved one in with me and am guiding another into a dual enrollement at a local college. It is so incredibly satisfying to see what I am able to do that these young men's moms were not able to, due to personal problems and just not caring. The boys are so appreciative of the attention and the guidance. To know someone who cares for their future. I joke with my friends who all know I want 10 children, that every time I pray for a baby, I get a teenager!! I have been involved with child abuse cases, helping the young mother who has babies like beers find her way, I have not been afraid to go against a pedophile who sought out a homeless woman to impregnate her for his own little toy, and won. He is in prison and the baby is adopted by one of my best friends. If I had been pregnant or nursing, could I have sat watch outside of seedy hotels to call the police when I spotted him? no, I probably would have said, I will pray for them. So I don't know why I cannot conceive. I want to so much. But if I look around, there are chidlren all around me who need me to mother them. I don't know if my rambling helps any, but I hope that your love of children will spill out to ones who are not being loved. I still beg the Lord every day for another child, I am 43 and I know that it would be a long shot for a fertile woman, and it is almost an impossiblity for an infertile one. But I pray every day and I will probably get another teenager!!:ack2::ack2:

lv

Sunshine