PrincessMommy Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 I'm not sure what to do. A couple that we used to go to church with 15-20yrs ago has started going to my current church. . he always, always complained. Yes, sometimes he had very legitimate complaints, but because he was always negative even the legitimate issues were ignored. His personality has not changed... sigh. No matter what, everything he says comes out as a slam against something. But, he loves our church :huh: He's already complaining about certain ways we do things. My dh and I wonder how long he will last at our parish. Anyway, avoiding this person is going to be next to impossible. I'm involved in several areas of the church that he has opinions about (ugh). Besides, he's kind of latched on to us, since we're "old friends" (not really), and we can explain things to him and his wife. His wife (who is very sweet) asked me to be her godmother. This means our relationship will change and get closer. I think I need to go talk with our priest, but I hate to do so. I've also thought about have a heart-to-heart with his wife about how I'm not going to take any crap from her dh or something to that effect. He's very intimidating because the negative comes across as angry and hostile most of the time. People definitely avoid him...and as a result...avoid her too. It's sad. Please don't quote... I may delete some details later. ***deleted some details... sorry if it's confusing for some.***** Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 I have never really understood the whole god parent thing, so I might be answering a bit ignorantly. It seems to me that even with him being somewhat unpleasant most of your social time could be spent with just her. He holds a job, correct? I have couple friends whose significant others I hardly ever see and I *like* them, because we are busy and they work. Sure, we see them Sunday morning, but we see the whole church Sunday morning. A few minutes of chatting isn't intolerable even with a pessimist, especially if you can keep it brief. My advice is to not seek out things that involve both of them, like lunch after church, but go for activities like crafting or coffee that give you cover to just fellowship with the wife and limit time with both of them together. Is that doable? Again, no clue what the purpose of godparents are (I get the definition but not the need or purpose) so I could be missing how that would entail significantly greater contact with this husband, but it seems to me if he I just a bit draining and unpleasant that socializing with him a little but not with great regularity or extended periods of time would work just fine. That is my plan for the most part... only spend time with her. But, as with any couple, sometimes you can't really avoid spending time with both (dinner parties, etc.). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5of5 Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 That is my plan for the most part... only spend time with her. But, as with any couple, sometimes you can't really avoid spending time with both (dinner parties, etc.). Do you know anyone (else) that loves to argue? You could bring them along, and let the two of them have at it. :boxing_smiley: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 Do you know anyone (else) that loves to argue? You could bring them along, and let the two of them have at it. :boxing_smiley: that is an intriguing idea..... I'll have to ponder a bit. Definitely have to think about how might be curmudgeonly enough to take him to task. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 "You know Jim, that is a great point! I think with all of your great ideas, you are a natural for running that ministry, So I will talk to Reverend X about your excitement to take care of that personally." This is only useful for the "monday morning quarterback" person who doesn't want to actually do anything. They usually back away when actual responsibility is involved. However, there are those who will want to be in charge and ruin whatever they touch. This is reason #1 why I never comment negatively about anything in our church. If I don't want to do it myself, I'll keep my mouth shut. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 When it comes to correcting a man, I don't care what anyone else says, it's going to come much better from another man. So I say ignore and avoid as much as possible, and mention to your priest and your DH that this man is excessively negative and it would be nice if someone pointed that out to him. The ONLY socially acceptible way to correct him yourself is gentle teasing. Some people can pull that off, some people can't. If you can't, don't try. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 Why would you have a heart-to-heart with his wife about not taking any of his crap? Tell him, as needed, that you aren't going to take any of his crap. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plink Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 Don't be afraid of the negative jerks. Instead, confront them. Why did you feel you needed to say that so harshly? Is there a reason you always want to change church ministries you're not a part of? Have you noticed that you always seem to have a complaint? Usually, they are shocked by bluntness, and the change of topic is enough to stop them in their tracks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hornblower Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 Have you ever read Karen Pryor's "Don't Shoot the Dog" ?It's sort of a dog training book but it was in the La Leche League parenting library too ....Ignore anything negative. Um, hmm, uh-uh might be the only responses. Deflect and ingore as much as you possible can. Any positive thing you pounce on & cheerfully engage in conversation about. Karen actually shared how she used these two techniques herself in conversations with her mother who was living in a care home & was quite miserable & took it out on Karen to the point that she was dreading the phone calls & it was damaging her relationship with her mother. Using the techniques, within several months the conversations changed...My other tip is to outtalk the person. I knew a person who was a pontficating grumpy old man. He was always going on about something & often his opinions were a bit 'out there' and would rile people up. Someone else I know spent an entire weekend with the guy and apparently survived it by cheerfully dominating the conversation with lots of happy talk & really not letting getting the old cranky guy get started on any of his little rants. So perhaps you can come up with a list of possible topics about which you can just bubble on about endlessly & cheerfully talk over him. "That's so interesting Jim, you should write it up. That reminds me I just read the most wonderful story about a parish in ....." & you're off. You'll have to stifle your own strong conditioning to engage in a give & take conversation & just bubble on :) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 A woman at work gets like this. I tune her out if possible when she's ranting to anyone in our suite who will listen, but it can be hard to avoid and it affects my mood to hear so much negativity. Once I heard her end of a phone call that I knew was going to set her off. When she hung up and made an angry noise, I joked that there would be an explosion in 3, 2, 1... Everyone laughed and it actually surprised her out of her temper. That was a while back and long forgotten, so now I need another line. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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