Do you get tired of "sharing" your college kids during break - rantish

[Hoggirl]

Ds has decided to come home for Spring Break. Yay! With a Friday final he won't get in until later on Saturday. We have told the in-laws that we won't travel to their house (about three hours away), but we did tell them they could come up here while ds was home. So, they are.

 

I know this makes me come off as a selfish %itch, and perhaps I am. But, ds saw them at Thanksgiving (they came up here) and again at Christmas (we went down there). I only had one grandmother growing up. I usually saw her once a year, though she did not live as close as my in-laws do. Thus, my experience was different. Now, I have to get ready for their visit, cook for them, etc. My mil is a delight, but my fil is a real PITA. I certainly don't want to keep ds from seeing his grandparents, but I really get tired of always having to share. Mixed up in all of this is the fact that both of my parents died before dh and I married. I am an only child. Every holiday is about dh's family. Ds could drive down there to visit without us, but then I would have to move beyond sharing. I have much less trouble sharing him with his friends who are in town than with my in-laws. What is wrong with me?

 

Sigh. I really have no choice. I guess maybe I just wanted to know that I wasn't the only one who finds it annoying to have to share your dc during college breaks.

 

Thanks for letting me have a pity party.

[Twigs]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Tokyomarie]

It's hard when there is such precious little time with our young adult children. It only gets harder. After getting two girls through college and watching them make new homes with their spouses, I've learned to be thankful for each day I do get with them. They current live 800 and 1300 miles away from us. Ds is over 500 miles away at college. His spring break is next week and he's not coming home. I thought I would be ok with it; in fact I have a conference later in the week that I want to attend. When he decided to stay up north, I went ahead and registered for my conference. Now, I'm wishing I had planned to go visit him for a couple of days instead.

[Artichoke]

Well, I can sympathize. Ds and future dil are starting to spend most breaks together -- sometimes with her parents and sometimes with us. We're happy that they're planning a life together, but the sharing sure does take some getting used to.

[creekland]

I definitely can relate.  How long are they coming for?  Is there any chance it's just a day or two?  If so, it'd be a great time to eat out rather than your having to prepare and clean for everyone.  If it's the whole week, that's not quite as easy.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I'm thrilled that middle son is coming home for spring break.  Yes, I'm sorry for him that his Haiti trip didn't work out, but I can be sorry for him and totally elated to have him here instead at the same time.   :D   He's not planning on coming home (much) for the summer.  He's applied for internships far away (only one is relatively close) and has a backup plan of staying at his school and continuing with the research he's doing there if none of the others come through. 

[dirty ethel rackham]

I am so sorry that your relatives are being so inconsiderate.  We don't have that problem in that very few in my family actually cares to see my kids ... We usually see Papa for dinner and an afternoon, but that is a 30 minute drive and we would do that anyway.  I have a brother who is local who comes to dinner anytime I invite him.  But no one else seems to acknowledge us.  If my parents were alive, if I had invited them to come here to see my kids, they would have dropped everything if they were able to travel. 

 

What I am finding is that I have to share ds with his girlfriend.  On breaks, he spends some time with us, but then, travels to see her. 

[Hoggirl]

I definitely can relate. How long are they coming for? Is there any chance it's just a day or two? If so, it'd be a great time to eat out rather than your having to prepare and clean for everyone. If it's the whole week, that's not quite as easy.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Oh, no, they will not stay the whole week. They will probably stay two nights. And, we will probably go out one of those, though my fil really dislikes going out to eat (and has no qualms about making that known). But, he will do it 'cause he can't even make himself a sandwich. :/

 

We have asked them to come in the middle of the week as I don't want to encroach on any time ds might have with local friends (our state flagship has its Spring Break the same week). Ds really likes to sleep in, and fil gets up at the crack of dawn, so there is a lot of sitting around as they wait for him to wake up. Dh will be at work during the day, so the buffer will be gone. Not only does fil not like going out to eat, he doesn't really like going anywhere. He isn't incapacited in any way - just a homebody. But, I may suggest we all go up to the museum as an outing. He can always choose not to go, but he probably won't, and then we will complain about how crowded it is, etc. Honestly, as I am sure you can tell, it really is my dealings with him that are challenging. Ds isn't very close to him, moreso his grandmother.

 

As always, I will rely on my go-tos of Jack and Jesus. I have also implemented a new policy whereby I select an item of clothing that I want but do not need ahead of time and "reward" myself with it at the end of the visit if I manage to behave myself and not be snarky to him. I am quite certain there are better coping mechanisms, but hey - it works.

 

Honestly, I think I would have an easier time of sharing with a GF or with his going on a Spring Break trip with friends. It's just the anticipation of repeated annoying patterns of behavior with fil. But, they won't be around forever, and I certainly can't deny them time with ds. I just wish there was some recognition of, "Hey, you know what? Ds will be home for a longer break in three more months. Your Spring Break time is limited, so we'll let you have your nuclear family time together." But, it is truly wishful thinking. And I feel like I am always accommodating their needs.

 

Sorry - ranting again! Think I will go with shoes for my "reward" for this visit. I did a dress at Thanksgiving and a jacket for Christmas.

[creekland]

The reward system definitely has its benefits.  I use it (except with travel) myself!  ;)

 

I'd definitely go to the museum and deal with the complaining over sitting at home and dealing with more complaining...

 

Best wishes/good luck to you!  (And enjoy shopping for shoes!)

[cbollin]

hugs and sympathies.

 

sounds like this year spring break will have to accommodating their needs again.  maybe next year will work better.   encourage son to do what he wants to do and leave if needed.  That was a big turning point for my MIL one christmas when the adult grandson didn't show up at grandma's house for big meal, and my oldest went on ski trip with church instead.  wake up call for everyone that our holidays had reached that point.

 

anyway....

one idea that might help a little bit?  can you pick up pre made food (restaurant or grocer deli counter) and eat at home?  maybe that's a compromise position on the food so you don't cook, but don't have to be stuck in restaurant with the guy making everyone miserable?   I know eating out is hard on our family due to special needs, so when we have to deal with the few visits from grandparents, we often just get a big to go order and eat it at home.   or maybe not.  just thought I'd mention the idea.

 

more hugs. and happy shopping!

[katilac]

 

one idea that might help a little bit?  can you pick up pre made food (restaurant or grocer deli counter) and eat at home?  maybe that's a compromise position on the food so you don't cook, but don't have to be stuck in restaurant with the guy making everyone miserable?   

 

I was going to make the same suggestion. My life became much easier when I quit trying to cook for dh's family when they come in for Christmas (8 extra people, ugh). Now I just cook a big pot of gumbo, a big pot of soup, and we do take-out a few times. Yep, 3 of them stay at our house and all 8 are all there for multiple meals, lol. 

 

Also, during those times when they are sitting around the house, have a list of chores you want to get done, and have at it. Update your files, clean out your purse, scrub the kitchen, edit digital photos . . . I have given up on being too polite to do chores while we have company! And certainly they can stay home while you run errands, they are grown people. I figure it's better for me to do these things and maintain a patient, friendly attitude than to be at their beck and call and get cross. 

 

My kids are still home, and I already get cross at sharing them so much, because Christmas break is when we would actually have time to relax and do stuff. I totally feel your pain. Not looking forward to it. 

[Hoggirl]

Thanks for the support. We do usually pick up barbecue, but I kinda feel like I have overdone that. Fortunately, dh has said he will be able to come home from work early to grill and/or he can take off half a day if needed. That will help.

 

I have told ds he does not have to be at home the entire time they are here. And, y'all are right; I don't have to be either. However, I do want to be here when ds is here. I have e-mailed mil telling her that I have no idea what plans ds may have over Spring Break and that she should text him to figure out what days will work the best and let me know.

 

It is what it is. Sorry I have been whiny.

[Annie G]

 

As always, I will rely on my go-tos of Jack and Jesus. I have also implemented a new policy whereby I select an item of clothing that I want but do not need ahead of time and "reward" myself with it at the end of the visit if I manage to behave myself and not be snarky to him. I am quite certain there are better coping mechanisms, but hey - it works.

 

 

 

I had to laugh at this.  I have a very similar reward system and we're visiting the inlaws next week so I'm gearing up to behave well so I can have my reward.  In my case it's quilt fabric.g 

It's so nice to know that someone else out there does this. I feel like a five year old- if I behave, I can have a toy. Whatever it takes, I say.   And I don't even have alcohol to fall back on, (though they will complain mightily about the Pepsi Max I drink).  

[Barb_]

Boundaries, Woman! "No, we won't be able to drive down there the week of spring break, but if you'd like to come and pick him up and take him back to your place for a nice long visit over the summer, you're welcome to ask him if he'd like to." Don't offer the thing if you don't wanna do the thing.

[creekland]

I had to laugh at this.  I have a very similar reward system and we're visiting the inlaws next week so I'm gearing up to behave well so I can have my reward.  In my case it's quilt fabric.g 

It's so nice to know that someone else out there does this. I feel like a five year old- if I behave, I can have a toy. Whatever it takes, I say.   And I don't even have alcohol to fall back on, (though they will complain mightily about the Pepsi Max I drink).  

 

We had Chinese followed by Shamrock Shakes due to my needing to go to urgent care for an ear infection today.

 

The reward system has real benefits - esp since there's Chinese left over for tomorrow's lunch!

 

And we have a mom & pop diner we absolutely love that we'll be eating breakfast at on Friday immediately after hubby and I get blood drawn for basic maintenance tests.

 

Why NOT treat ourselves when we have to deal with things?  Looking forward to something ought to pay off somewhat by reducing stress levels, right?

[Hoggirl]

Boundaries, Woman! "No, we won't be able to drive down there the week of spring break, but if you'd like to come and pick him up and take him back to your place for a nice long visit over the summer, you're welcome to ask him if he'd like to." Don't offer the thing if you don't wanna do the thing.

That is why they are coming up here. Because dh told them we were not driving down there. I can't say (maybe you can, but I don't have it in me - wish I did), "You cannot drive up here to see your grandson." Ds wants to see them. I'd like to see mil...

[katilac]

That is why they are coming up here. Because dh told them we were not driving down there. I can't say (maybe you can, but I don't have it in me - wish I did), "You cannot drive up here to see your grandson." Ds wants to see them. I'd like to see mil...

 

I think that letting them visit is definitely the right thing to do, you just need to make it as easy on yourself as possible! 

[Guest2]

Not to derail, but i have NEVER thought of rewarding myself for good behavior. I do believe you have changed my relationship for the better with extended family. I am thinking of handbags....

[creekland]

Not to derail, but i have NEVER thought of rewarding myself for good behavior. I do believe you have changed my relationship for the better with extended family. I am thinking of handbags....

 

If rewards for good behavior are only for kids, I'm never growing up.  Yesterday's breakfast tasted quite good and I haven't gone on a reward trip yet that I haven't enjoyed thoroughly.  ;)

 

It is so much less stress when one has something to look forward to that they can (literally) think about during the stressful happening.  Small rewards for small things.  Big rewards for big ones.  

 

There is NO law that says grown ups can't do such things and many common sense reasons TO do things that cause us less stress.

 

Just watch the budget.  That 30K around the world trip ought to be saved for something really, really stressful.  I doubt a couple of days with relatives counts for most of us.   :coolgleamA:

[Hoggirl]

Y'all are making me feel better about my reward system - I was thinking it was rather immature!

 

I take a screen shot of my "reward" with my phone and glance at it as needed. When I first implemented the system at Thanksgiving, I did not tell dh about it. After his parents' visit, I asked him if he had noticed that I was not snarky to his dad at all. His reply? "Yes, but you sure were sighing a lot." Lol!

[Annie G]

 

Just watch the budget.  That 30K around the world trip ought to be saved for something really, really stressful.  I doubt a couple of days with relatives counts for most of us.   :coolgleamA:

Clearly you have not met my sister in law. 

[katilac]

 I take a screen shot of my "reward" with my phone and glance at it as needed.  

 

That's brilliant, lol. I never thought of a visual cue. 

[Hoggirl]

Just checking back in to say that I "earned" myself two fun new necklaces over spring break! Costume jewelry, but nice!!

 

;)