How do you handle young adult children that make bad choices?

[Barbara H]

I know this is not exactly what you asked... but I would encourage him to meet with his advisor right away if he's not done so already. The goal would be to try to make sure that he has the least damaging exit possible in case he wants to return to school down the road. It varies widely from school to school how late students can withdraw with a W instead of a failing grade, but it would be good to check if that's still an option.

[Catwoman]

I know this is not exactly what you asked... but I would encourage him to meet with his advisor right away if he's not done so already. The goal would be to try to make sure that he has the least damaging exit possible in case he wants to return to school down the road. It varies widely from school to school how late students can withdraw with a W instead of a failing grade, but it would be good to check if that's still an option.

 

I think that is excellent advice, Barbara.  :)

 

[reign]

I had a big reply but it was a bit too personal for me to post. I did exactly what your son is asking for. The things I'd think about are:

1. My parents made me stay. No one was surprised when I did horrible that second semester. I say get out the sooner the better.

2. Check on his mental and physical health. I was having issues with both my freshman year. My parents didn't have a relationship in which I could talk about that kind of stuff. If you don't think he'd talk to you have him see a doctor.

3. Let him figure out what he wants to do before he starts taking a full load of classes again. I'd have him take the winter term off.

4. If possible have him get out of fast food. Anecdote :) everyone I know has been happier after leaving fast food jobs.

 

Will it give you hope to say I did go back to university. A good one but not the $$$ my father had hoped. Once I knew what I wanted to do I made the deans list and received several scholarships. Things turned out in the end.

[Shawn On the Border]

Thanks so much for all the input.

 

I'm not sure if they will make him repay the scholarship. I hope not, but at least it's only 1 semester. It is too late for him to withdraw without failing. Exams are next week. He is studying for the 2 classes that he can pass.

 

I know 30 hours was too much. 10 would have been ideal, but there aren't too many jobs out there that are 10 hours per week. It took him 2 years to get a job. I recommended that he reduce his hours or work only during breaks, but he chose to work.

 

Catwoman- yes, his home moved away from him! Both dh and I feel terrible about this, but it was a forced government move. We had no choice.

 

Flowing Brook- we are going to help him. We're paying to have his things shipped, even his truck. I'm sure we'll have to help him with his school expenses here. We do want him to pay for some things. He tends to spend a lot of money on video games and movies. If he has income coming in he needs to contribute. There will be some negotiating on this point, because dh is tougher on this than I. If ds doesn't contribute, dh will resent ds wasting his money. I also think he needs to learn to handle money responsibly.

 

We are very close. In the past, I think I've helped him too much. He waits until there is a major problem and expects me to help him out of it. I think I need to transition from fixing his problems to giving him advice on how how he can solve them.

 

Shawn

[Shawn On the Border]

Reign- I would like him to get out of fast food. I'm not sure what he'll find around here.

 

His physical health is pretty good, I think. His mental health varies. When he has bad times, he tends to be very negative. I used to be that way, too, but I've learned (am learning) to cope with difficult times. It is important to try to be resilient- to figure out ways to solve problems and recognize the possibility that things will get better. His life has been pretty cushy in the past, and I'm sure he will have some hard times in his life. If he seems depressed, I will get him to a doctor.

 

He is shy, but he has come a long way. He could use some coaching on making friends and small talk. He's pretty negative about changing. It does worry me that he won't have friends here when he first comes. Any ideas for making friends in a new place?

[PeacefulChaos]

I'm confused.  I thought he wasn't moving to where you guys are?  

 

 

 

 

 

 I strongly disagree with previous posters who say not to give him advice.

 

 

I just wanted to clarify  something I said early about not talking to him... my kids are a lot younger, so I'm coming at this from the opposite perspective.  I made decisions at 18 and 19 that my grandparents weren't fond of.  They didn't take it well.  So when I say 'don't talk to him about it', I mean more along the lines of calling at all hours, crying because you think it's a terrible idea, thinking it's ruining his life, etc.  :D  And it's not that I think that you're planning on doing that, but that is what happened to me - calls in the middle of the night, all that.  It wasn't til we had actually gone ahead with the planned changes and my grandparents saw that they really weren't bad that they stopped.  Before that it was a constant guilt trip from them.

And all I was doing was getting married (18) and moving 17 hours away (19)!!   :lol:  (Seriously, though, no decisions are so big that someone should have to go through what I did from them.  :P)

[Shawn On the Border]

Peacefulchaos- he is deciding whether to move in with us. He said he probably was, but I wouldn't be surprised if he changes his mind.

 

I'm sorry you went through that with your grandparents. Ds' grandparents (my in-laws) would be incredibly disappointed. If he does come with us, I will have to leave out some info. Some things are better off kept to ourselves.

 

We were amazingly calm with him- no yelling or crying- even dh kept his emotions in check.

[Renee in NC]

*gently*

 

Please consider changing your focus to:

How can parents handle themselves when they don't like their young adult child's choices?

 

I'm in the trenches right now too and my child is already bombarded by our culture's opinions on college, launching etc. There's a lot of direct and subtle condemnation out there. I don't want to join in on that.

 

As the mother of a 21 year old and a 16 year old...this is it.

[Crimson Wife]

Thanks so much for all the input.

 

I'm not sure if they will make him repay the scholarship. I hope not, but at least it's only 1 semester. It is too late for him to withdraw without failing. Exams are next week. He is studying for the 2 classes that he can pass.

 

If he's having mental health issues, he may be able to get a note from the psychiatrist/psychotherapist allowing him to get "incomplete" grades and an extension to take the exams later. Obviously I'm not encouraging him to fake depression or whatever but if he legitimately *IS* depressed, it's something he should seriously consider doing.

[Catwoman]

If he's having mental health issues, he may be able to get a note from the psychiatrist/psychotherapist allowing him to get "incomplete" grades and an extension to take the exams later. Obviously I'm not encouraging him to fake depression or whatever but if he legitimately *IS* depressed, it's something he should seriously consider doing.

 

I didn't get the impression that he is having mental health issues. He sounds like a normal young man who isn't happy at his college and who probably misses his family.

[Joanne]

{{OP}}

I think you are doing well in trying to navigate the new territory of parents of an adult who is somewhat, but not completely, autonomous. I am walking the same road, FWIW.

 

I don't have anything that hasn't been said, really. I just think that some of the wording of your OP might have triggered some responses that aren't a match for what was really meant when you typed the words. I think you got some pushback for things that might not actually be an issue.

 

 

[Catwoman]

{{OP}}

 

I think you are doing well in trying to navigate the new territory of parents of an adult who is somewhat, but not completely, autonomous. I am walking the same road, FWIW.

 

I don't have anything that hasn't been said, really. I just think that some of the wording of your OP might have triggered some responses that aren't a match for what was really meant when you typed the words. I think you got some pushback for things that might not actually be an issue.

:iagree:

 

I based my posts on the OP, which seemed harsh to me, but Shawn's update left me with a far more positive feeling about the whole situation. It seems obvious now that her original post was made in a moment of frustration and after reading her kind and caring follow-ups, I think all of us can understand how she would have initially posted exactly as she did when she was feeling discouraged -- who thinks to tell the whole story when they're upset, right?

 

I'm glad she came back to clarify.

[EmilyGF]

Can he take a one year leave of absence? That was pretty common in my college, and it allowed people to get their life in order or figure out their goals without burning bridges.

 

At least three of my close friends took a year of absence when I was in college; one because she got an amazing job she didn't want to turn down, another due to severe mental health issues, and a third because she was having money problems that were causing problems with her classes. Two returned and finished, the third chose to leave eventually but was in good academic standing when she left.

[Crimson Wife]

I didn't get the impression that he is having mental health issues. He sounds like a normal young man who isn't happy at his college and who probably misses his family.

 

Parents who are thousands of miles away may not know whether or not the student is depressed. I know someone who drowned in college under circumstances that were unclear as to whether it was accidental or suicide. The parents had no clue that he'd been struggling with depression because they lived on the opposite side of the country and he'd put on a brave face when talking to them.

[Shawn On the Border]

Catwoman- I didn't mean to sound harsh. We were (and are) trying to work out how to help him without helping him too much. He is a procrastinator to the extreme, and I'm sure that contributed to the problem. Although he has a great work ethic at his job, not so much with school or home. In the past I would have jumped in and tried my best to fix things, but it is just not good for him to be dependent on me to solve his problems. We will definitely help him financially, and I will give him advice when requested, but I can't jump in and fix everything for him. It's not healthy for him (or me).

 

EmilyGF- I don't know if they would give him a year of absence, since he is not in good academic standing. He also doesn't want to go back (although that might change).

 

Crimson Wife-you are right. It is hard to be so far away and know what is going on. We talk often, but ds was never a big talker on the phone. You have to catch him at the right moment to find what he's really thinking. He does get depressed at times, and he's perfectly happy other times. He's happier now that he has a job and friends, but it's just not going anywhere. Playing video games, eating fast food, and skateboarding are all fun, but not a good long term option. He may be happier there, with his friends. I don't know...it doubt it would make him happy in the long run. I also worry that he might get involved with drugs. If he moves here, I am concerned that he won't have friends for a while. Then he could get really depressed. It's hard to move when you are a shy person. I'm not sure what he should do, but he will have to decide (quickly).

[Elisabet1]

Working 30 hours a week is probably making things worse. I did that my first semester in college and my grades really suffered. It was a complete distraction and left me with little to no time for school work. I even skipped classes to make it to work.

 

 

[elfgivas]

chocolate.

 

tea and chocolate.  

 

trader joes dark chocolate mint stars

 

mozart

 

cleaning

 

oh, and i whine wine a bit, too.... 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

ann

 

ps.  for one of ours, daily phone calls helped a ton...... for oh, say, five years of daily calls.  just "hi, was thinking about you".  she knew who she was; my job was just to remind her that she was loved.  

 

pps.  some of us are late to mature.  it makes a difference.  financially, we helped a lot.  all of us now agree that she would have been lost otherwise.  (who knows how?  drugs?  alchocol?  homelessness which leads to other things for young women sometimes?  we helped with choosing a better location for her.  she figured out that she needed a small school with a residence, and with the ability to work on campus.  we helped her narrow down her choices.  i was lucky (?) in that both my dad and my brother had crashed during first year, and eventually recovered.  what worked for them worked for our dd, too.  it simply was "we will support you financially until you figure out how to do it yourself..... but you must be working full time, in school full time, or working part time and in school part time.  and it would be great if you figured it out sooner rather than later because i'm really not so fond of kraft dinner".  what worked for me when i stopped going to classes after October was a timely intervention by a TA, and my dad saying, "well, dropping out isn't an option.  you are there to grow up.  grow."  so i should be part of the "tanking in first year" group, too, except i did write my christmas exams, did pass (barely), did go back after Christmas, and did graduate.  (which is different from my dad, brother, and one daughter).

 

 

 

[Shawn On the Border]

Elizabet1- yes, 30 hours is way too much. I tried to get him to reduce his hours, but he wouldn't. I think he really enjoyed having all that money. Sometimes it's hard for a young person to see the long term value of an education. Both his father and uncle were late bloomers. His dad dropped out of community college and learned a trade. He went back to school 10 years later and got his master's. He now has a well paying job in law enforcement. His uncle went into the Air Force, but had to retire due to health problems. He then went back to school and has a great job at a hospital. I know that it can take a while for kids to figure out their lives, but it is so hard to watch.

[Shawn On the Border]

Ann- you are so right about chocolate. Have you tried Trader Joe's chocolate covered ginger cookies? They only have them this time of the year. They are awesome!