Yolanda Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 If you do, how does it work for you? Would you mind details about it? How effective would you say it is? Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moxie Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 I've tried. The problem becomes that the kids start to view the chore as optional. I'm still looking for the perfect system. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hornblower Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 Nope. I clicker train my dogs and I know that +r can work very well but I never used that method with my kids. Alfie Kohn's Punished by Rewards is the still one of the best books about this IMO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 Tried it with one son. We linked chores to allowance. He didn't care. I think you have to find their true currency, but when it comes to currency that is what I truly want my kids to have all the time (for instance, love language stuff--like spending time together), I couldn't "use" it to teach because it gave the message that all that mattered was behavior. I can't seem to phrase this very well, sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 Yeah, I don't have a huge objection to rewards in all circumstances like Alfie Kohn, but I have never had a good experience with kids and reward systems when I was teaching. Unless the child had severe issues, the trade off of managing the system and dealing with the inevitable point/reward grubbing that resulted always outweighed any benefit. And for my own kids, I really want them to pitch in around the house when I need them to, not to feel like they did their one thing and now they have no other obligations and that I, in fact, have an obligation to them as a result. I want them to see themselves as responsible for the house just like me. Overall, while there's not so much they automatically go do other than routine things like take dishes to the kitchen and dirty clothes to the hamper, when I say, hey, such and such thing needs to be done, they do it. We're good with that. I will occasionally give a random reward offer for helping with heavy chores like extra yardwork. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DragonFaerie Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 Yes, we have a rewards system. We have chore charts on the fridge, one for each kid. Every day, they have a few chores to do. If they do their chores, do them well, and do them with a good attitude, they get a sticker for the day. Stickers can be traded in for an extra dessert (2 stickers) or for quarters (the most popular choice). If I have to make them do the chores, or they give me attitude about it, the chores will still get done, but no sticker. So far, it's worked pretty well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
linders Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 Nothing formal, just trying (and trying and trying) to instill the idea of "work before play," as in schoolwork and piano and chores and then video game time. I don't see it as a reward system as much as learning a good habit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yolanda Posted October 17, 2014 Author Share Posted October 17, 2014 Then how do you teach your children to have a decent attitude when it's either something they don't like (math) or they simply get frustrated way too easily. Dd has an amazingly short fuse, and is 12 and on the verge of "adolescence", the triple threat :) We've not used rewards in the past. (I too agree with many of Alfie Khon's ideas). But this is out of control. It's so hard to know what to do. I envy you mothers who know what you'll do and do it. I feel like I'm trying something new every 6 months, if not sooner. What's hard to know is how much do I let go for: 1. She's changing and she's in the whirlwind as much as we are, 2. I feel she should be allowed to express her anger to a degree (I think it would be way worse to gag every feeling she has) 3. But I absolutely don't want to receive treatment like I'm a doormat. FYI I'm not a pushover, I'm trying to show grace and patience as we all navigate this thing called tweendom (she's 12). How do you all do it? When math is the issue I really think it's the frustration and not the fact that she may not understand it. I've tried to encourage her that if she doesn't get it now, it's OK because we'll be revisiting it often. It was suggested to me that we use a reward system. From a positive view of earning rewards for good behavior, good attitude, self control, basically doing her work without issue or at least working towards a better attitude during things she doesn't like. Or not flying off the handle when she can't get the bunny in the hutch because she runs away :) The buns get to roam the yard till its dusk and that is very frustrating when Mini runs off :) Nothing else is the issue, mainly math and the buns - which lead to frustration and she goes 0-60 so fast. I've already considered a tutor and other things so it's really the reaction to things she gets frustrated with. I don't remember having to make a"frustration"plan when I was young, but we lived in old school ways-fear drove us to behave. I don't want that. A little more reverence towards us parents but not fear. Thanks for reading this long. I want to have a plan but I don't know what my options are in teaching patience and perseverance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommymonster Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 The rewards system in my family consists of a chocolate stash and a generous wine budget. Both are rewards for me. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 For specific purposes. My older son has autism and we try to reinforce positive behaviors and celebrate the bright spots. Every time he successfully uses the skills he is learning to calm down or take a break, he gets a knot tied in a rope on his bedroom door. When he hits 10 knots, he gets to pick a family time sort of reward like getting ice cream when we walk to the park or taking an extra long bike ride. For school stuff, we give ourselves a daily score 0-6. 0 is unimaginably awful, 1 pretty darn horrible for all of us, 2 needs serious improvement, 3 is acceptable, 4 is positive, 5 is super great and 6 is phenomenal. We get certain "prizes" when we have weeks and months were the score averages 4+. We don't always hit that but it's a good thing to aim for. This was the best thing we came up with to homeschool him as a 2e child with autism. It's not about grades or him alone, but about how well the day went for all of us and how productive the learning day is. We talk about where we could have made better choices and where we rocked it. This system evolved over time. We keep rewards to mostly experiences rather than consumer focused. The rewards boost social behavior too...for instance, having his best friend sleep over and getting to each pick a movie is something he might get and it's something that promotes social connections. My youngest son developed a crazy resistance to using the potty alone. He was scared to walk down the hall. He got a check mark for every day he braved it alone. When 7 checks were accumulated, he earned 30 minutes of special Dad-Son only time to play a computer game. After a bit, he didn't need that and we stopped. It motivated him to get over his fear. It's not like we don't have family time or invite friends over otherwise, but we make it something that is especially valued by that particular child. Like getting to pay for a movie rental for that sleepover. One of my son's faves is having his friend over for a movie sleepover and me making them his favorite movie snack. Another is getting to ride down the bike trail together to the larger park that I generally eschew for the smaller, closer one. Stuff like that. Chores aren't tied to allowance. They get allowance regardless, they do their chores regardless. We don't do threats or make a big deal of it when a knot isn't earned. We keep it low key. We don't do rewards to get them to do things they need to do like brush their teeth or feed the cat. We don't give candy out for good grades. We do it to help our older son with things that are harder for him than they are for most kids and that are hard won for him. For our younger son it was to temporarily ho him with something that was difficult for him. The school thing is about all of us, not just the kids and it facilitates positive discussion and planning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hornblower Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 I'm firmly in the attachment camp. Have you read Gordon Neufeld's Hold on to Your Kids? His dvd Making Sense of Adolescence, along with the whole Power to Parent series might be helpful to you as well."The counterwill storm: how to survive teen resistance" - that lecture would be of particular interest to you I think :)http://neufeldinstitute.com/products/dvds Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MiMi 4under3 Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 I tried one when the kids were younger and it was too much upkeep/tracking. We're a family and we all have to contribute - the reward is a clean, inviting home from doing chores, a healthy body from good hygiene and nutrition, a smart brain from doing your studies, swimming in the pool and going to the park by not stressing mom, etc. I'm not averse to an occasional bribe, though. :laugh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 I have used reward systems in the past short-term and for a specific goal. I don't see this as contrary to any overall parenting philosophy. I've also given my kids money for difficult tasks. I offered my then 12 year old ten bucks if he would allow me to remove his stitches so I could avoid the ED of the children's hospital. Some were imbedded, so this was fair. It eased the pain of my son. There are no rewards for chores. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 We used to, but not anymore. My kids are way too old for that stuff. We have assigned chores and a "when mom is happier, we get to do more fun stuff" sort of system. I do sometimes pay my kids for helping me out by doing certain jobs that aren't on their job list, especially in a pinch. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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