When you were a teen

[Dory]

I was a good girl until I was raped at 14. Then, I started hanging out with the punks and skaters, skipping class, sneaking out, sleeping around, dyed my hair purple, etc. I didn't do drugs, drink, or smoke though. My mother never said anything about my sudden behavior change.

 

:grouphug:  That's pretty much why I was as wild as I was too.

 

I had alcoholic father, plus it was '60s. I ran away from home (and stayed) at age 15, did drugs and slept around. My husband did the same - that is how we met. I never stole, lied and cheated, though - my mother pounded that into me and for some reason, those things took!

 

Neither of our sons gave us any trouble whatsoever. I've read that the wilder you were as a teenager, the stricter you usually are with your own. That was certainly true with my oldest. But I think I was very fortunate. I think often parents are too strict or too lenient, depending upon their own teen experience and that can cause problems because your children aren't you.

 

Just out of curiosity, those of you with "pasts," are you honest about it with your children? We were, and it seemed to work for their good. But I am much more hesitant in sharing those things with my foster daughter. Perhaps I unconsciously sense that it might not be good for her, I don't know.

 

I have been honest about some things with the kids such as cheating, telling lies, and stealing when I was younger and how that panned out for me and the natural consequences of it down the road. As for the teen stuff though, I'm not really sure how much I'm comfortable sharing with them. There is a lot of messy back story as to why I did what I did and they would want at least some of that and so I might keep most of it to myself until they are almost ready to leave home, or until they are adults. I don't know yet.

[Night Elf]

 

Just out of curiosity, those of you with "pasts," are you honest about it with your children? We were, and it seemed to work for their good. But I am much more hesitant in sharing those things with my foster daughter. Perhaps I unconsciously sense that it might not be good for her, I don't know.

 

I've been selective in what I share. I say what I need to say when I think I need to say it. I think some of it has been helpful or it seems to have helped at the time.

[LMV]

I think I had a pretty good relationship with my parents.  They loved and trusted me but I had earned that trust and I really wasn't doing horrible things behind their back.  I also think that if I had been I wouldn't have gotten away with it for long.  They were both highly aware and willing to face issues head on.  I also believe that they would have been more concerned about me than how it might impact their image and imposed fair and natural consequences.  I try to channel that with our kids now.  

 

I was young when I graduated high school so I wasn't able to drink legally until well after I was done with college and by then I'd seen enough binge drinking disasters from my friends to not be  interested.  I've never even experimented with drugs.  DH and I are big believers in the danger of and damage to the adolescent brain with drugs and alcohol.  We take the stance that once our children have fully matured adult brains (somewhere between 21-25 depending on the kid) then we respect their right to make these choices for themselves as long as they ensure that their choices don't put others in danger.  We're strongly in favor of zero tolerance policies for drinking or drugging and driving.  Our home is and will remain drug and alcohol free.  

[swellmomma]

I must have done something wrong.  I am the opposite of many of you.  Parents thought I was the bad girl and I wasn't.  It probably had to do with my smart mouth as a teen.

 

I didn't have sex, I didn't drink, no drugs, and I usually made decent decisions.  However, I was fiercely independent and didn't like to be told what to do (I wanted the decisions to be mine and not because someone told me to.)  So, I think I spouted off a bit too much.

 

I remember being accused of cheating by my English teacher.  I was NOT cheating.  I was writing a note to my boyfriend during class.  She was sure I had cheated.  She did not like me at all.......again, probably because I spoke my mind.

 

I still have that problem.  I believe strongly in doing the right thing and honoring God in the things we do, but I will be the first to tell someone off for being racist, making fun of others, or just generally being ignorant.  It isn't always in love  :closedeyes: .

My parents thought I was completely horrible and up until this year continued to think so until I laid it all out for them.  for 20 years they not only thought I was a bad teen but that I was still the same as I was at 16 because I made different life choices than them and my siblings.  Um nope.  Like you I had a smart mouth and was independent...still do/am lol 

[musicianmom]

I am scared to death about raising teens because I was so sheltered as a teen that I have no idea about what are appropriate freedoms to give. I couldn't have been bad if I had wanted to because I was in such a bubble.

[LMV]

I must have done something wrong.  I am the opposite of many of you.  Parents thought I was the bad girl and I wasn't.  It probably had to do with my smart mouth as a teen.

 

I didn't have sex, I didn't drink, no drugs, and I usually made decent decisions.  However, I was fiercely independent and didn't like to be told what to do (I wanted the decisions to be mine and not because someone told me to.)  So, I think I spouted off a bit too much.

 

I remember being accused of cheating by my English teacher.  I was NOT cheating.  I was writing a note to my boyfriend during class.  She was sure I had cheated.  She did not like me at all.......again, probably because I spoke my mind.

 

I still have that problem.  I believe strongly in doing the right thing and honoring God in the things we do, but I will be the first to tell someone off for being racist, making fun of others, or just generally being ignorant.  It isn't always in love  :closedeyes: .

 

My DH had a little bit of this as well.  It wasn't so much that my MIL thought he was a bad kid and from stories his family tells I think he was probably a lot like he is now (kind, compassionate, steadfast and trustworthy) even then but I think his mom channeled much concern through the reality that he had lost his dad so young and what he was missing out on.  So I think she spent a lot of his adolescence waiting for the other shoe to drop.  It never did.  She now says that she can't imagine she really let him go off to college so young and that she would love to say it was because she trusted him but she fears it was more that she just didn't know what else to do.  In the end he turned out very well and he and his mom have a wonderful relationship now.  He says that they had a fine relationship back when he was a teen as well, he knew that if he needed her she would be there he just felt that self sufficiency was somewhat underrated amongst his peer group and that was their loss.  

[swellmomma]

Just out of curiosity, those of you with "pasts," are you honest about it with your children? We were, and it seemed to work for their good. But I am much more hesitant in sharing those things with my foster daughter. Perhaps I unconsciously sense that it might not be good for her, I don't know.

I am.  My kids think my old stories are hilarious and also learned that I was not always this stern fuddy duddy.  I made mistakes and did stupid things and I still turned out okay.  I also use my stories as starting points in conversations.  For example, yes I slept with my boyfriends so I admit that but talk about the emotional toll it took on me (since physically it really didn't until that one boyfriend), how it shaped my outlook on relationships, how I ended up married to their dad all stemming back to the views I had about premarital sex and why I would prefer different for them.  While at the same time acknowledging that teens have sex, your mom was one of them, these are the risks and how to avoid them.  I didn't drink or do drugs but the entire crowd I was with did, so I share what it was like to be the 1 "hold out", how I was still accepted as part of the group even though I did not do those things and how it is okay to stand your ground on your beliefs and still fit in etc.  

 

My motto has always been if you can't be a good example, be a cautionary tale lol  So some of my stories are along the lines of "I am lucky to be alive having done these stupid things, not everyone was so lucky" and shared about the girl that was killed in a car wreck in grade 11 during lunch hour, or the girl that dropped out due to her pregnancy at 16, or the guy that has been in jail since a year after graduation due to his drug use etc. 

 

Now that said, my past was not over the top "bad". I made stupid choices but on the whole was a good teen.  I shared about the abuse I went through as a way to show that yes teens can be in abusive relationships, and let them know I am open to hearing them and helping them if they see or endure something like that.  If they were foster kids who have gone through bad enough circumstances that they are in the system I would be more hesitant to share.  They need the good example more than the cautionary tale, they have already lived that tale kwim.

[mommymilkies]

I don't always tell them everything, no.  Everyone is allowed some privacy.  However, I was a terrible teen in some ways, and they do know some about that. 

[gardenmom5]

I came from very different circumstances than those in which I've reared my own children.  some things I've shared with one or more of them.  Mostly they were good kids.  each is different - but four down, one to go.

[Rebel Yell]

I was a good girl until I was raped at 14. Then, I started hanging out with the punks and skaters, skipping class, sneaking out, sleeping around, dyed my hair purple, etc. I didn't do drugs, drink, or smoke though. My mother never said anything about my sudden behavior change.

 

:grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

I must have done something wrong.  I am the opposite of many of you.  Parents thought I was the bad girl and I wasn't. 

I started out being a good girl.  But I was thrown into a legalistic boarding school environment where our windows were bolted shut and we were followed to make sure we went where we were supposed to go and did what we were supposed to do.  After a time of not being believed that we were good kids, a lot of us decided that we might as well do the things we were constantly being accused of doing.  What is totally ironic is that when I got expelled from the dorm it was after I decided to stop doing the bad things and so I was expelled for something that someone else had done.  (I know your boarding school wasn't like that but mine was.)

[DawnM]

How could you be bad if they followed you everywhere?

 

There was a lot of freedom at our school in terms of after school hours until curfew.  Many were in sports during that time.  No one was followed.

 

But our major decisions were made for us.  1.5 hours of study hall every evening in your dorm room, lights out and no talking after 10.  No going near the opposite gender's dorm halls, but for those who wanted to, they found ways to do things like sex and drugs.  I was a bit naive about all of it.

 

Dawn

 

 

I started out being a good girl.  But I was thrown into a legalistic boarding school environment where our windows were bolted shut and we were followed to make sure we went where we were supposed to go and did what we were supposed to do.  After a time of not being believed that we were good kids, a lot of us decided that we might as well do the things we were constantly being accused of doing.  What is totally ironic is that when I got expelled from the dorm it was after I decided to stop doing the bad things and so I was expelled for something that someone else had done.  (I know your boarding school wasn't like that but mine was.)

 

[Kathryn]

My kids are still young, so we don't really talk about our poor choices from back then. DH and I met and started dating when I was 16. Yeah, I married one of those losers I was hanging out with then. He has come a long way, but he works a hard, physically demanding job because he doesn't have the academic skills or background for an easier job. And he makes sure to hammer that point home to DS.

 

Like I said, I hung out with the bad kids and was promiscuous, but I didn't drink, smoke, or do drugs. DH did all three from the time he was in elementary school. So, we have both angles covered there. I had always been told that my grandmother was an alcoholic and I knew there was a genetic component to it, so I didn't try any addictive substances for far longer than my peers did.

 

I'm a very open person and will most likely be truthful with my kids about our pasts. While our only consequences are economic and an often unhappy marriage, we lost friends to drinking and drugs and had friends who got pregnant as teens or got STDs, etc.