WWYd? Would you accept money

[CactusPair]

from a close relative with whom you are very angry? Someone who hurt you unintentionally, but deeply, nonetheless over an issue regarding your children? When I say "unintentionally" I mean this person didn't try to hurt me, he was just "being himself."

 

The money is not being offered as a token of apology or acknowledgement over the situation.

 

1. Part of the $ is the perfunctory birthday money card for ds, clinically signed with no correspondence at all.

 

2. Part of the $ is a "donation" toward my medical expenses that I broke down and casually solicited before the big, long-time-coming "argument".

 

Would you feel somehow beholden to this person? I'm not sure what that means....

 

If, in a strange, melodramatic way, you see this money as "blood money" would you take it anyway because

 

1. You really, really need it

 

2. You don't want to hurt or reject the giver, even though you're nail-spitting enraged at him?

 

3. It's a gift and it's ugly & ungracious to turn down a gift from anybody no matter what

 

Or would you feel ethically bound to turn it down because

 

1. you passionately disagree with how that money was made? (nothing illegal)

 

2. the vehement way the giver defends & justifies that particular money-making lifestyle makes you want to hurl (literally)

 

3. the big "blow-out" revolved around the money-making lifestyle coming before everything and everyone else

 

4. the giver resents giving of himself, which makes you feel awful. You hate to see yourself as the object of resentment.

 

I feel torn. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

 

I need the money and want to take it, but to do so makes me feel sick. But if I turn down the money I will hurt this person, and even though I'm outraged, I still feel protective of his feelings (counseling, anyone?:tongue_smilie:).

 

Plus, before the argument, I did swallow my pride and ask if he could spare any $ toward medical bills. Now that we had the big "exchange of words" I wish I hadn't bothered to ask. Except by not taking the money, I am putting strain on my husband and kids, bec. frugal as are, big expenses like medical bills do us in.

 

Part of the money is for ds's birthday, so that is ds's money, not mine to turn down. But the giver never even sees ds, has said a few words to him in ds's life, and apparently didn't recall ds's name when he used it as a mocking slur toward someone else recently.

 

Still, I would like to use the $ to buy ds a gift or even to put in a savings acct., telling him it's from (name withheld). The thing is, ds is old enough now to know that (name-withheld) is acting like a deadbeat, except with regards to birthday $ and Christmas clothes. I can tell ds has mixed feelings about (name withheld).

 

So what would you all do? Lay it on the line, ya'all and don't hold back! I can take it.

 

Thanks!

 

(just typing this vent out made me feel better already)

[melissel]

Ugh. That's very difficult. Given the details you've provided, frankly, I think I'd give the money back. I know it's a huge strain, but I couldn't take money from someone who could speak in such a way involving my children. In fact, I'm pretty sure it would take quite a bit for me to ever speak to that person again. And if that person was speaking that way about my children, I'd feel under no obligation to protect their feelings anymore.

 

:grouphug: I'm sorry you're dealing with the whole mess :(

[bettyandbob]

I had an aunt who only sent presents on Christmas and birthday. I don't think it is completely unusual to have a relative like that. And I wouldn't characterize that behavior itself "deadbeat". My aunt wasn't responsible for my upbringing and had her reasons why she didn't spend time with us, but since she wasn't responsible for us she wasn't a "deadbeat". Anyway, give the gift to your son, have him write a thank you and let him make his own decisions when he is older about his relationship with this relative.

 

And I guess I'd keep the money for medical bills because I'd asked for it. I know your hindsight tells you you have misgivings about the money, but it wasn't illegal. Returning it after you asked seems extra judgemental. Sometimes I think we have to remind ourselves that it is not our role to judge the behavior of others. I realize you find the person's business/career very distasteful and unethical, so you need to find the balance for yourself. My vote is on keeping it, since you asked for it, and not sharing future financial issues with this person.

 

I'm thinking this person is your brother. I hope your relationship can improve over time.

[CactusPair]

thanks for your wisom.:001_smile:

 

actually, the person is my father, the grandfather of my kids, which is why I'm so emotional about it.

[mamakven]

Wow... i have a dad MUCH like this... except he doesn't even send a card for birthday's he just throws money at us when he comes to visit... i'm very torn about the whole situation myself so i'm probably not much help, but in my opinion if someone gives you money, its a gift and it does NOT make you beholden to them. It bugs me that money lets my dad "off the hook" in his own mind, but so far, i take the money. I've told him to shove it a couple times but he always gets me to take it... LOL. Curious what other people say and (((((((((((hugs)))))))))) from someone who's THERE!!!

Rebecca

[melissel]

thanks for your wisom.:001_smile:

 

actually, the person is my father, the grandfather of my kids, which is why I'm so emotional about it.

 

I'm so sorry. Betty has some good points. I guess I was thinking more about the fight and how it involved my kids than the origin of the money. You'd have to weigh your feelings on the two. If it was just about the business thing, I might still keep the money based on what she said. But depending on how my kids were brought into it, that would affect my choice, I think.

[WTMCassandra]

NO. I would not take it. I have decided that life is too short for things like this. If taking the money is this emotionally charged and complicated, it's NOT WORTH IT. ESPECIALLY since it's your father.

 

I think instead of asking "Will I feel beholden if I take this money?" I think you should ask, "Will my father think I SHOULD feel beholden if I accept this?" From the other indications of his values, I think he will.

 

I would "Run screamin'." I would return it and say something simple like, "I don't feel comfortable taking this right now. Thank you anyway, though." Then I would pass bean dip. Lots of bean dip.

[Once]

I was in a similar situation several years ago. My choice was to refuse the money sent to me and to allow the kids their own choices. At the time it seemed like such a big deal to me but now I have different feelings.

 

I'm not sure where you stand faith wise but I had nagging doubts about honoring mother and father and all that. But there needs to be "in the Lord' too. If you are being judged about what you do based on values that are not God honoring then you do not need to answer to those judgements.

 

As it turned out, God honored me in many more ways than money. Some of those ways were in a much stronger relationship with dh and dc. However, money was also given *by God* freely and without the guilt and shame that would have been attached if family had been the source. If God wants you to have it, it will be yours. Until then the gift of peace from toxic family and contentment is very valuable. Perhaps more valuable than the money itself.

 

Hugs to you. It is a road no child should have to walk.

[keroro]

I would try to let go of the anger and forgive. Since you need the money I would accept it and send the giver a thank you card. Moreover, if refusing it will foster hurt feelings then why fuel that? I would just try to be nice, appreciative, and gracious even if the other person involved won't.

[5kidsforME]

from a close relative with whom you are very angry? Someone who hurt you unintentionally, but deeply, nonetheless over an issue regarding your children? When I say "unintentionally" I mean this person didn't try to hurt me, he was just "being himself."

 

The money is not being offered as a token of apology or acknowledgement over the situation.

 

1. Part of the $ is the perfunctory birthday money card for ds, clinically signed with no correspondence at all.

 

2. Part of the $ is a "donation" toward my medical expenses that I broke down and casually solicited before the big, long-time-coming "argument".

 

Would you feel somehow beholden to this person? I'm not sure what that means....

 

If, in a strange, melodramatic way, you see this money as "blood money" would you take it anyway because

 

1. You really, really need it

 

2. You don't want to hurt or reject the giver, even though you're nail-spitting enraged at him?

 

3. It's a gift and it's ugly & ungracious to turn down a gift from anybody no matter what

 

Or would you feel ethically bound to turn it down because

 

1. you passionately disagree with how that money was made? (nothing illegal)

 

2. the vehement way the giver defends & justifies that particular money-making lifestyle makes you want to hurl (literally)

 

3. the big "blow-out" revolved around the money-making lifestyle coming before everything and everyone else

 

4. the giver resents giving of himself, which makes you feel awful. You hate to see yourself as the object of resentment.

 

I feel torn. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

 

I need the money and want to take it, but to do so makes me feel sick. But if I turn down the money I will hurt this person, and even though I'm outraged, I still feel protective of his feelings (counseling, anyone?:tongue_smilie:).

 

Plus, before the argument, I did swallow my pride and ask if he could spare any $ toward medical bills. Now that we had the big "exchange of words" I wish I hadn't bothered to ask. Except by not taking the money, I am putting strain on my husband and kids, bec. frugal as are, big expenses like medical bills do us in.

 

Part of the money is for ds's birthday, so that is ds's money, not mine to turn down. But the giver never even sees ds, has said a few words to him in ds's life, and apparently didn't recall ds's name when he used it as a mocking slur toward someone else recently.

 

Still, I would like to use the $ to buy ds a gift or even to put in a savings acct., telling him it's from (name withheld). The thing is, ds is old enough now to know that (name-withheld) is acting like a deadbeat, except with regards to birthday $ and Christmas clothes. I can tell ds has mixed feelings about (name withheld).

 

So what would you all do? Lay it on the line, ya'all and don't hold back! I can take it.

 

Thanks!

 

(just typing this vent out made me feel better already)

 

For me personally there is no possible way I would take the money from that person. Dh would agree too.

 

ETA: I would let your son keep the birthday money, that has nothing to do with you and your Dad's disagreement.

[Mom to Aly]

I am so sorry you are in this situation, especially with your father.

 

Now, here are my "words of wisdom".

 

First of all, my dad died when I was 19, and I had not spoken to him for a year and a half (all over a stupid fight over college). I dreamt, two weeks before he died, that he died, and it was so real, I went home. He had refused to let me in the house, had disowned me, etc, but welcomed me with open arms, we got along for 2 weeks better than we ever had, and I am so grateful for that, I don't know that I could have lived with myself otherwise.

 

I am sure that doesn't help you, but I had to say that--simply because, when I heard you say it was your dad, and how much you care, the first thing I thought was, if something happens, how would you live with it? Because my dad was emotionally and verbally abusive to me my entire life, but I loved him so much, and always wanted the approval I never got, and it would have killed me if I hadn't made up with him. The only time he kissed me, besides when I was little, was the day he died--he woke me up to say good-bye and that he loved me, which he never did, and went to work (no idea anything was wrong), and that was the last time I saw him alive.

 

Now, I do realize you have said that is your dad, and he has nothing to do with your son, which I find horrible, but I am talking about how you will feel, not about how your dad feels. How would something like that effect you? My dad taught me never to let things go unsaid, or leave things to the last minute. You never know when the real last minute is.

 

That said--I also know what it is like to live without. I think I would take money from anyone in any circumstances right now, just to ease up the horrible pressure that is always on me, never having enough money, never knowing that I will have enough, etc. If you can relieve that pressure from your fam, and it is not illegal or immoral, I would do it (and, no, I don't think it is immoral for you to take this money from your dad, no matter how he obtained it).

 

Also, considering you asked for it, knowing how he got it, I think it would be a TREMENDOUS slap in the face to refuse it now. I think it would cause you huge problems you probably haven't yet anticipated, and I think it would take the argument you already have even farther. Plus, I do feel that if you are in need, and your father has it, he is someone you should be able to turn to.

 

So, in short, I would take the money with no qualms, knowing, in every way, I was doing "the right thing". And I would let your son know that, in his own way, deep down, his grandfather does love him (as I'm sure he does, whether he can show it or not) and this is the best he can do to show it. Because it probably is. The fact that he does anything means that he does care, somewhere, deep inside. There are plenty that would do nothing at all, and that would give you nothing, even while berating you.

[CactusPair]

Dear Mom to Aly,

 

I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face. I cannot thank you enough for you gentle words and honesty. Your personal insight and experience is exactly what I needed to hear to help me reconcile my agonizing conflict.

 

Even though my father is unbelievably mean and distant, and has been my whole life, I do love him, even through my fury, I love him. I know that he loves me, loves my children, though his work obsession and absence from our lives, his vile words and judgements, bring me pain without end. He can not or will not see that. He is too broken.

 

You are right in your counsel to consider how my choice would affect me, make me feel perhaps for the rest of our days.

 

Your post has been so centering for me. It has given me courage to be strong and choose the path that will bring me peace and self-respect.

 

I am so sorry for the suffering you endured, that your wisdom was forged in pain and loss. That you and your father were able to embrace each other in love and acceptance in the last days is such a gift. Thank you so much for sharing your important story.

 

 

 

peace & appreciation

[Jennifer3141]

I would let my son keep the money and make sure a thank you card was sent.

 

The rest would go back. It's not worth it.

 

Jen

[CactusPair]

Thank you everyone for sharing their insights, support, and advice. Posting my dilemma has been incredibly cathartic. I thought I was going to go out of my mind keeping this bottled in. Hearing all your perspectives gave me a lot to think about and wrestle with, but in a good way. It's healthy to consider different angles, instead of going round and round with my own angry self.

 

Thanks for your all your help and sincerity, and for giving me a safe, non-judgemental place to talk about this.

 

You guys are great:grouphug:

[dirty ethel rackham]

If it were me, I would probably accept the money. While he may have all these undesirable qualities that you describe, it seems to me that he is showing his feelings in the only way he knows how - by helping financially. I think I would accept the gift, send a note of thanks and breathe a sigh of relief. This could be God's way of opening a door of communication. It may not lead to a perfect reconciliation, but perhaps, detente?

[Cheryl in NM]

Oh, I'm sorry you have this tough decision to make. But, you did ask for the money, so take it.

[Scarlett]

There were some fabulous posts on here to you, so I won't restate them, but I just wanted to post in favor of keeping the money. Accept it with grace and a thank you note.

 

Not many of us get perfect families and a few of us get family members with lots of warts. We have to do the best we can to survive and thrive.

 

I do know how it feels to want to tell a 'giver' to take their money and shove it. My in-laws made me sign a worthless piece of paper saying I would not try to take any of their money when they were helping dh go back to college. It was the most humiliating thing I've ever had to do, but I knew I was doing it for dh---and by association for myself in the long run. There was ZERO reason for them to ask me to sign that and there was no legal way in the world I could have taken any of their money....the only reason they made me sign it was to 'put me in my place'. I know it isn't quite the same thing you are going through, but the urge to cut off one's nose to spite one's face is very strong in humans I think.

 

So take it and no you are doing nothing wrong.

[melmac]

I would give ds his bd money and return the rest. JMHO :)

[Mad Jenny Flint]

Because it is your dad. I have one of those dads whose love language is helping out financially, periodically. We have come to a place where it's not necessary, and I never ask, but still he gives. I have had moments where I felt hypocritical taking the gift, but I have always known that if I were to refuse it, it would end our relationship irretrievably. Life is too short to let issues outside of abuse, etc. (you know the biggies) come between you and family. The way I see it, he's the only dad you have, and you have to accept what he can give (emotionally, etc.) and get the rest of what you need elsewhere... kwim?

[CactusPair]

As an update....

 

I tore up my check yesterday. We had another "conversation". It is most likely to be our last, at least for a very long time.

 

Thank you for all your input and support.

[melissel]

As an update....

 

I tore up my check yesterday. We had another "conversation". It is most likely to be our last, at least for a very long time.

 

Thank you for all your input and support.

 

I'm so, so sorry :( :grouphug:

[Tracey in TX]

There are many ways in which a person can be a part of your children's lives. You and the aforementioned person don't see eye to eye (sounds as if you disapprove of his work ethic), but he wants some form of bond with DCs. I would accept the money, but still let the person know my feelings had not changed. Relationships are difficult, but your job is to protect your child and not outwardly make grandpa out to be the bad guy even if he is less than desirable. A token monetary gesture will go a long way in mending feelings DS may already have.

 

MY ILs are actually awful--really. DH would have written them off if I weren't insistent that the children need to understand the bigger family picture, not just grumbling about how horrible they were in our biggest time of need. I'll never forget, but feel it's my duty to have my children see forgiveness in action.

 

Anyhow, I would accept the money and send a thank you note. And pray the issues somehow resolve themselves.