Ask a transracial adoptee adult

[Year Round Mom]

Wow, that sounds awkward! "Transracial" meaning that I was adopted into another culture, or across cultures. I got that word from research I did as a senior in high school many moons ago for my one and only term paper required to graduate. :) 

 

I've posted before about my experience as a Korean adoptee, but thought I'd join the "ask a.." bandwagon since I know many of you have adopted children from different cultures than your own and may have questions about what to expect down the road!

 

:)

 

 

 

[JonesinIndiana]

Thank you for this thread!

 

Are interested in finding your birth family?

 

Have you been to Korea since you were adopted?

 

Did you have a happy childhood? Are you close with your family? Do you speak Korean?

 

What advice would you give other transracial families with soon to be teenagers?

[freeindeed]

As a mom of a daughter adopted from China, I appreciate this topic and your willingness to answer questions.

 

Do you mourn the loss of your birth country?

 

Do you deal with feelings of bitterness and resentment, either toward your birth parents or adopted parents or both?

 

What, in your opinion, is the best way to bring your birth culture into your current culture?

 

How do you deal with insensitive comments?

[solascriptura]

Thanks for offering to answer questions. :)

 

Are you still close with your adoptive parents?

[imagine.more]

Ooh, this is such a great offer! 

 

Did you ever struggle with wanting to be of the same race/ethnicity as your adoptive family? 

 

How can an adoptive mom help a transracially adopted daughter realize she's beautiful? 

 

(you can tell what issues we're having...I'm fielding constant comments of "I wish I had hair like _______" and "Can I straighten my hair?" and "Tahlia has such beautiful blue eyes, I want blue eyes") 

[DawnM]

You know, I really don't know what to ask.  My son is 10.  He is Chinese.  We have a lot of Chinese friends and are part of a Chinese American bible study group.  He has a lot of Chinese friends his age.  He also has a lot of caucasian friends.  He is really an outgoing friendly little guy.

 

When we talk to him about being Chinese and any adoption issues, he just shrugs.  It doesn't bother him.

 

What bothers him is his hand and foot deformity.  He has kids stare and ask and point.  I never hear him talk about being "different" because he is Chinese, but he sometimes brings up his differences with his hands and feet.

 

I was also adopted as an infant, although not into a transracial adoptive family.  But I still can completely relate to his feeling that he was given up as a child.  I think he may be bothered by this more as he fully understands what adoption means.

 

I guess I wonder when you struggled with being different because of being Asian, and if I should be concerned that things will change possibly?

 

Dawn

[SKL]

What are some well-meant things you observe that adoptive parents do that they probably shouldn't do?  :)

 

I read a lot of things about what we must / mustn't do and say in relation to our adopted kids.  I also see it change as life seasons change or as new people (often adoptees) enter the conversation.  Most recently there was a debate over whether our kids "are adopted" or "were adopted" - which ended differently than the last debate on the same subject.  :)  I finally decided to ask my kids what they prefer, now that they are old enough to consider it.

[mamatohaleybug]

Following with interest... :)

[acablue]

Thanks for starting this thread.

 

Do you have any siblings? Were they adopted from Korea as well? 

 

 

What are some well-meant things you observe that adoptive parents do that they probably shouldn't do?  :)

 

I read a lot of things about what we must / mustn't do and say in relation to our adopted kids.  I also see it change as life seasons change or as new people (often adoptees) enter the conversation.  Most recently there was a debate over whether our kids "are adopted" or "were adopted" - which ended differently than the last debate on the same subject.  :)  I finally decided to ask my kids what they prefer, now that they are old enough to consider it.

My oldest has volunteered (while reading MCT Grammar Town) that he doesn't like it when people use "adopted" as an adjective. I hadn't thought to ask. 

[Lucy]

listening in with great interest!

[cottonmama]

Thank you for starting this one!

 

I'm having a hard time phrasing my question.  A little background... my sister's in-laws are Korean, and both my sister's family and her MIL live near us.  Sister's family enjoys a lot of Korean culture -- food, traditions, etc.  My husband and I are interested in adoption, and Korea seems like a natural choice, but sometimes I wonder if that dynamic isn't ideal after all.  We would be able to offer a connection to Korean culture, but I wonder if it would make it less of a choice to pursue the birth culture or not.  Or if it would be hard to see your cousins get to have more of a connection to your birth country than you do.  I don't know if that's something you can answer for me, but if you have thoughts I would really appreciate them.

 

And a simpler question... if you speak Korean, how did you learn it? (Any curriculum ideas? :-D)

 

[Year Round Mom]

Thank you for this thread!

 

Are interested in finding your birth family?

 

Have you been to Korea since you were adopted?

 

Did you have a happy childhood? Are you close with your family? Do you speak Korean?

 

What advice would you give other transracial families with soon to be teenagers?

Sorry for the late reply! I got sidetracked with my new homeschool planner that came in today!  :hurray:

 

You're welcome. I hope I can help others with my experience!

 

I'm not too interested in finding my birth family because I have learned a lot about Korean culture and the more I learn, the more I realize I don't know and that'll just make the whole meeting very weird. The only thing I'd be interested in is finding someone who looked like me. All my kids turned out to look like variations of my husband's family (he's Korean American, as in, his folks came from Korea. He was born and raised in the US.)

 

I have been to Korea. I was a teacher at an International Christian School for 2 1/2 years. When people ask me about Korean food, customs, etc. I always give the caveat that I am an American white person (trapped in the body of an Asian!) and only have 2 1/2 years experience to go on. They still think I offer great advice. I'm very convincing.  :laugh:

 

Whenever I was in Seoul, my birth city, I would scan the faces on the subway, hoping to find one of my three birth sisters! You know, a face that looks like mine. The hard thing was that because I grew up in white rural America, all Asians looked the same to me! I have since learned to differentiate facial features!

 

I had a blessed childhood. My mom is my mom and my dad is my dad. They are my family. I don't speak Korean. Funny, though, because I love linguistics: my two bachelor's degrees are in French and German! 

 

I just know what I went through as a teen. Every teen has issues, right? My issues just happened to stem from the fact that I didn't feel beautiful because I was the only Asian in my school, in my town. There were a few Korean adoptees in towns next to us, but in my small rural school, a black family and I made up the minority! Your mom is your first example of beauty. I look nothing like her. No one dated me. Now I know it's because I was too nerdy and weird. Back then I thought it was because I didn't look like the popular girls. 

 

Something I dealt with as an adult was the rejection that every adoptee (whether transracial or not) goes through. I thought I didn't have to forgive my birth parents for giving me away because it was the best thing for me! My parents are the best! But I still felt...rejected. I realized I had to forgive them for rejecting me. That freed a lot of stuff up for me. Just be aware that your teen may feel rejection, but not know why. Everyone feels rejected for some reason in some point in her life. For the adoptee, if often includes the birth parents, regardless of how amazing your upbringing is!

[Year Round Mom]

As a mom of a daughter adopted from China, I appreciate this topic and your willingness to answer questions.

 

Do you mourn the loss of your birth country?

 

Do you deal with feelings of bitterness and resentment, either toward your birth parents or adopted parents or both?

 

What, in your opinion, is the best way to bring your birth culture into your current culture?

 

How do you deal with insensitive comments?

 

That's an amazing question: do I mourn the loss of my birth country...

 

I guess I despised my birth country for many years without realizing it. I think I'm still healing from the bitterness and resentment I feel toward...uh, a whole nation.

 

It has to do with the fact that I was the fourth girl in a family of all girls. Koreans do not have four children anymore. When I was a teacher over there, a student in my class was one of three. At a meal I was invited to, his parents told me that Korean families do not have more than three children. My own FIL jokingly (but seriously) told me after my third not to have a fourth. I did, though, two years ago! Also, they still do want boys more than girls. I met a Korean woman here in town who I noticed because she had four girls! She said that after her three girls, her parents and in-laws pressured her to try one more time for a boy. Oops! I hated the culture that caused me to be rejected.

 

So yeah, it's not bitterness toward my birth parents, but my birth culture. However, I have seen the bitterness from rejection aimed at birth or adopted parents in other adoptees.

 

I don't relate at all to my birth culture. I believe culture is nurture-grown only. On surveys that are cultural or whatever (like TV surveys or whatever) I check that I'm Caucasian, because that's how I think, interact with others, and believe.

 

I think it's the choice of the adoptee to pursue her birth culture or not. She most likely won't want to, because it means little to nothing to her!

 

I used to respond to insensitive comments by trying to explain my whole life. So, are you Japanese or Chinese? I used to say: Well, I was born in Korea, but adopted as an infant. So I don't consider myself Korean at all... The eyes glaze over or they dart back and forth, so I tend to end the conversation there. I'm more than willing to share my life story, if they wanted to listen!  :laugh:

 

The only comments I find insensitive are from Koreans. I feel judged. But that's a whole other response, which I will get to soon! I have to hop off here, but will be back tomorrow to answer more!

[freeindeed]

Thank you. Your answers and thoughts are so helpful.

[SKL]

So, one of the things I often hear is that I must make sure my children have the best possible connection with their birth country/culture.  I must learn how to cook and enjoy the ethnic food of their homeland etc.

 

Another thing is defining my children's "ethnicity."  In my mind, ethnicity is about the culture(s) you are raised in, which for an adoptee may be different from the one you were born in.  I seem to be in the minority on this.  It seems most adoptive parents believe a child born in, say, Colombia has Hispanic ethnicity for life.  When the question comes up about ethnicity on forms etc., they write Hispanic while I leave it blank.  (Because there is no "ethnicity" box that fits us IMO.)  My children are exposed somewhat to Hispanic culture, but they are not growing up in a Hispanic family.  However, if they decide *they* view themselves as Hispanic when they are older, then that is fine with me.

 

What do you think about that as a person born into a different "ethnicity" than that of the family who raised you?  Am I hurting my kids by "denying" their true ethnicity even though they have been in my home since before they could walk/talk?  Or will they be just as happy (or happier) being raised the same as I would have raised a biological child?

[Year Round Mom]

Ooh, this is such a great offer! 

 

Did you ever struggle with wanting to be of the same race/ethnicity as your adoptive family? 

 

How can an adoptive mom help a transracially adopted daughter realize she's beautiful? 

 

(you can tell what issues we're having...I'm fielding constant comments of "I wish I had hair like _______" and "Can I straighten my hair?" and "Tahlia has such beautiful blue eyes, I want blue eyes") 

 

Great question:

 

Yes, I often asked God why He had to make me an Asian! I was 100% cool with being adopted; I just wanted to look like my friends and family. I still don't have an answer why He made me the way He made me. But I've accepted the mystery.

 

My friend recently sent me some Youtube links of this sweet Korean adoptee teenager, who made makeup videos! I had wanted to learn how to do eye makeup, something I hadn't done my first 30 years of life. I may be able to find a link later, but what was great was that this girl was encouraged by her mom to find out how to do makeup for her unique features. She kept mentioning that. So, based on myself and this one person, lol, I would suggest acknowledging your DD's unique features and help her find resources to make them more beautiful! 

[Year Round Mom]

You know, I really don't know what to ask.  My son is 10.  He is Chinese.  We have a lot of Chinese friends and are part of a Chinese American bible study group.  He has a lot of Chinese friends his age.  He also has a lot of caucasian friends.  He is really an outgoing friendly little guy.

 

When we talk to him about being Chinese and any adoption issues, he just shrugs.  It doesn't bother him.

 

What bothers him is his hand and foot deformity.  He has kids stare and ask and point.  I never hear him talk about being "different" because he is Chinese, but he sometimes brings up his differences with his hands and feet.

 

I was also adopted as an infant, although not into a transracial adoptive family.  But I still can completely relate to his feeling that he was given up as a child.  I think he may be bothered by this more as he fully understands what adoption means.

 

I guess I wonder when you struggled with being different because of being Asian, and if I should be concerned that things will change possibly?

 

Dawn

 

 

http://www.amazon.com/Birth-Is-More-Than-Once/dp/0961567406/ref=pd_sim_b_2?ie=UTF8&refRID=1ERW01GFTWF9J1A6V8YY

 

This is a book I read years ago. A Korean psychologist worked with young Korean adoptees to find out how they viewed themselves and herself, usually the only other Asian person they knew. The basic result was that children can only relate to one culture at a time. My grandma would tell me that when I was four, I went up to her and said, loud and proud, "I am an American!" The psychologist did, however, encourage the adoptees' folks to get more exposure to the birth culture...if I remember correctly. (Lol, if you read it and I'm totally off, please PM me, so I can edit my post, haha!)

 

I can see how some personality types, though, would not be bothered by these questions. I am one to follow a thought all the way to its end. Also, I do not know Chinese culture. They may be more open to receiving and accepting Chinese adoptees. Koreans do not understand adoptees and believe that we reject their culture, when in fact, it was their culture which rejected us. Of course, not even every Korean adoptee struggles with that!!!

 

I think I was a teen...I remember the day I looked into the mirror as a young teen and crying because I looked so...foreign, even to myself...

 

It sounds like your DS is blessed to have a family like yours, to understand experientially what adoption is and to live in a culturally-rich area, too! 

 

Do you find that your Chinese friends are more or less accepting of his hands/feet than your other friends? Or is there no difference? More importantly, do you sense that DS feel like there's a difference?

[Year Round Mom]

What are some well-meant things you observe that adoptive parents do that they probably shouldn't do?  :)

 

I read a lot of things about what we must / mustn't do and say in relation to our adopted kids.  I also see it change as life seasons change or as new people (often adoptees) enter the conversation.  Most recently there was a debate over whether our kids "are adopted" or "were adopted" - which ended differently than the last debate on the same subject.  :)  I finally decided to ask my kids what they prefer, now that they are old enough to consider it.

 

I think one thing that I see a lot of well-meaning adoptive parents doing is feeling that they are somehow responsible if the adoptee has to deal with feelings of rejection. They want to shield their children from all pain relating to the adoption, but if the children don't deal with it (however it manifests itself), there is no outlet for the pain, no understanding, and therefore no healing. 

 

But what it comes down to is you know your DC best! Follow their lead and let them voice their uncertainties, let them ask those hard questions...they have to answer them themselves, but you are their best guides! You don't have to bring anything up, just be aware if something's bothering them and gently guide their feelings and thoughts toward clarity. I guess it's the same for every child, huh? And it's not always relating to the adoption. That might be something else adoptive parents do: assume it has to do with the adoption when really, it could be something totally unrelated!

[Year Round Mom]

Thanks for starting this thread.

 

Do you have any siblings? Were they adopted from Korea as well? 

 

 

My oldest has volunteered (while reading MCT Grammar Town) that he doesn't like it when people use "adopted" as an adjective. I hadn't thought to ask. 

 

You're welcome!

 

I have two siblings. We were all adopted! My younger sister, from the town my folks are from. She is of Italian descent, I think. Caucasian. My older brother is from a small village in Korea. He was two when he was adopted. My sister was adopted at birth. She is 9 months younger than me; he is 2 months older than me. Yes, my parents had three toddlers to take care of! My mom would strap one of us girls to her front and the other to her back to vacuum!

 

:)

[Year Round Mom]

 

Thank you for starting this one!

 

I'm having a hard time phrasing my question.  A little background... my sister's in-laws are Korean, and both my sister's family and her MIL live near us.  Sister's family enjoys a lot of Korean culture -- food, traditions, etc.  My husband and I are interested in adoption, and Korea seems like a natural choice, but sometimes I wonder if that dynamic isn't ideal after all.  We would be able to offer a connection to Korean culture, but I wonder if it would make it less of a choice to pursue the birth culture or not.  Or if it would be hard to see your cousins get to have more of a connection to your birth country than you do.  I don't know if that's something you can answer for me, but if you have thoughts I would really appreciate them.

 

And a simpler question... if you speak Korean, how did you learn it? (Any curriculum ideas? :-D)

 

Simpler question first: no curriculum ideas, sorry! I do know that many Korean churches offer language classes for young children who are of Korean descent!

 

I'm not sure...most Korean people I meet express personal guilt at my being adopted. Yes, people I've never met feel pain that I was given away, I think because Koreans are very tribal, they feel as if they themselves let me go. So, I can see your hypothetical adopted child be very welcomed, in fact, taken as one of your sister's IL's own!!! They may naturally feel the responsibility to raise up this child with a knowledge of the food, language and customs. I think your child will grow up as a genuine Korean American, possibly. Not an American born in foreign country like I feel. 

 

At the school I taught at, there was an American couple who adopted a baby girl over there. She was my flower girl in my wedding, as we got married there in Korea. She is an adult now and I asked her if she struggles with her ethnic identity as she was raised in an American home, but in the country of her birth! All her classmates were Korean or Korean American! She doesn't really struggle with that question. I'm not sure how that answers your question, but it's food for thought, at least! 

[Year Round Mom]

So, one of the things I often hear is that I must make sure my children have the best possible connection with their birth country/culture.  I must learn how to cook and enjoy the ethnic food of their homeland etc.

 

Another thing is defining my children's "ethnicity."  In my mind, ethnicity is about the culture(s) you are raised in, which for an adoptee may be different from the one you were born in.  I seem to be in the minority on this.  It seems most adoptive parents believe a child born in, say, Colombia has Hispanic ethnicity for life.  When the question comes up about ethnicity on forms etc., they write Hispanic while I leave it blank.  (Because there is no "ethnicity" box that fits us IMO.)  My children are exposed somewhat to Hispanic culture, but they are not growing up in a Hispanic family.  However, if they decide *they* view themselves as Hispanic when they are older, then that is fine with me.

 

What do you think about that as a person born into a different "ethnicity" than that of the family who raised you?  Am I hurting my kids by "denying" their true ethnicity even though they have been in my home since before they could walk/talk?  Or will they be just as happy (or happier) being raised the same as I would have raised a biological child?

 

Personally, I'm more in line with your thinking.

 

I do check "Asian" if it's a medical form (because my physical body is Asian!) but if it's a social/intelligence/cultural survey, I check "Caucasian", if I check anything at all. I tend not to check anything!

 

My mom bought me beautiful books about Korea and learned how to make kimchi and chap chai (however you spell that). But I never was interested in that stuff. My sister wore the traditional Korean dress to adoptee appreciation days. I didn't! My parents never made it a big deal; just made stuff available to me. 

 

These are awesome questions and there's no easy answer. I can't really answer them because I haven't fully answered them myself! Instead, let me pile on more questions! 

 

Is pregnancy/birth only a physical event? Or is there a spiritual bond between birthmother and child? Can you separate the physical body from the mind when exploring identity? Is a parent a parent because of love alone? 

 

I'll end with a random thought: 

 

This happened when I was praying through some stuff. I realized that I had this weird idea of heaven. All the tribes and nations would be bowing before God, right? But in my mind, all people of tribe A were in this section and all people of nation B would be grouped over there. Well, shoot, where do I stand??? With people who look like me? Or with the people who think like me? And I was mad at Korean people for forcing me to choose. (We choose scapegoats. I could've just as easily chosen to blame my parents!) And I felt like God lifted the veil to reveal a truer picture of heaven. It's not Tribe A here and Nation B there. It's an Ugandan standing next to a Japanese, who is standing next to a Norwegian! In heaven, we are from all tribes and nations, but not separated anymore. In our diversity, we will be one! Phew, it was a load off my mind and an important step in my finally acknowledging that I have a birthmother and that I care about her existence. 

[DawnM]

Thanks.  I will take a look at the book.

 

My son is the opposite I think.  He had a HUGE argument with his brothers that he was CHINESE and NOT AMERICAN.  We had a big discussion on what "American" means and I told him he can be Chinese AND American.  

 

Actually, no one who knows him well even thinks about his hands and feet.  It is people who don't know him well or just meet him.  We had a problem at camp last summer.  He said all the kids would come up to him and ask and it got on his nerves.

 

The Chinese group never mentions it, other than the ones who are doctors and ask for medical reasons, but they ask ME and not him.  He is just a very likable kid and makes friends easily.

 

He is only 10 so I do wonder if entering his teen years he may be more sensitive.

 

Dawn

 

 

 

http://www.amazon.com/Birth-Is-More-Than-Once/dp/0961567406/ref=pd_sim_b_2?ie=UTF8&refRID=1ERW01GFTWF9J1A6V8YY

 

This is a book I read years ago. A Korean psychologist worked with young Korean adoptees to find out how they viewed themselves and herself, usually the only other Asian person they knew. The basic result was that children can only relate to one culture at a time. My grandma would tell me that when I was four, I went up to her and said, loud and proud, "I am an American!" The psychologist did, however, encourage the adoptees' folks to get more exposure to the birth culture...if I remember correctly. (Lol, if you read it and I'm totally off, please PM me, so I can edit my post, haha!)

 

I can see how some personality types, though, would not be bothered by these questions. I am one to follow a thought all the way to its end. Also, I do not know Chinese culture. They may be more open to receiving and accepting Chinese adoptees. Koreans do not understand adoptees and believe that we reject their culture, when in fact, it was their culture which rejected us. Of course, not even every Korean adoptee struggles with that!!!

 

I think I was a teen...I remember the day I looked into the mirror as a young teen and crying because I looked so...foreign, even to myself...

 

It sounds like your DS is blessed to have a family like yours, to understand experientially what adoption is and to live in a culturally-rich area, too! 

 

Do you find that your Chinese friends are more or less accepting of his hands/feet than your other friends? Or is there no difference? More importantly, do you sense that DS feel like there's a difference?

 

 

[kbutton]

I have no questions, but thank you for sharing your thoughts. I have a friend and many acquaintances who were adopted from Korea as well as cousins who are half Korean and half American.

[solascriptura]

I can see how some personality types, though, would not be bothered by these questions. I am one to follow a thought all the way to its end. Also, I do not know Chinese culture. They may be more open to receiving and accepting Chinese adoptees. Koreans do not understand adoptees and believe that we reject their culture, when in fact, it was their culture which rejected us. Of course, not even every Korean adoptee struggles with that!!!

 

 

Do you mind explaining the above bolded from your quote?  In no way am I dismissing your experience, but I don't understand.

[DawnM]

Yeah, I was kind of wondering that too.  

 

Do you mind explaining the above bolded from your quote?  In no way am I dismissing your experience, but I don't understand.

 

[cottonmama]

As I understand it, there is some very real prejudice in Korea against adoptees, especially among the older generation.  When my sister had talked of adopting, she and her husband expressed some concern as to how much his parents would accept the child as their grandchild because of the way Korean culture views adoptees, almost as second-class citizens.  Supposedly that is changing, and one of the evidences of that is that Korea is scaling back its international adoption program.  (Haven't followed that recently, but at one point they were expecting to close it altogether.  I think the fact that they have not means that there is still difficulty getting folks to accept adoption.)

 

That doesn't really get into the rejection-of-culture issue, but as was mentioned, Koreans are very tribal, very proud of their culture.  I imagine it is hard for them to wrap their minds around someone who they expect to be very Korean, who is so far removed from Korean culture.  Probably the same thing that bothers Korean parents when their Korean-American kids are "too American."  Add to that the prejudice against adoptees... I'm sure it can be hard.  I worry about that if we adopt.  

 

I'm sorry the OP has had to deal with it.  :grouphug:

[solascriptura]

I'm sorry too. Sincerely. It is very easy to say that "korean culture" feels a certain way, but each person has a different view of this. I know many older Koreans that feel a lot of guilt that korean kids were adopted out. They feel a sense that it was their shortcoming and not that the child lacked anything.

 

When I read that Korea "rejected her" it seemed like the OP was saying that they blamed her for being adopted out.

[solascriptura]

In any case, best wishes to you! I know how it feels to feel one way and look another way.

[SKL]

The way I understood the "they rejected me" comment was in the context of how they view girls in their culture (per her earlier comments).  Perhaps if there were a more positive view of girl children, fewer birth parents would feel pressure to relinquish or more Koreans would adopt girls domestically, and there wouldn't be a question of her being raised by American parents.

[SKL]

I don't know what the ratio of boy to girl adoptions from Korea is, though.  I didn't think it was lopsided like in China.  I know someone who adopted a boy from Korea, but I don't have any friends who adopted a girl from there.

[Year Round Mom]

Do you mind explaining the above bolded from your quote?  In no way am I dismissing your experience, but I don't understand.

 

This is from my (limited and personal - therefore, skewed, haha!) experience:

 

I see Korean American-ism as a spectrum. I'm speaking about both Amer-Asians (one parent Korean, one parent not, or one grandparent Korean and other gp's may or may not be Asian) and people who are full-blood Koreans. 25-50% = 100% in this culture. What I mean is Koreans see that every child born with Korean blood in him as Korean. Which is cool. But what that means to this culture, is that I, as a person with Korean blood in me, have an inherent duty to learn the language and instantly understand what is culturally acceptable or not (I have offended countless Asian people in my wanderings over the world, oops!) 

 

I have many Korean American friends, including my DH. They all had to make a choice whether to embrace or reject various aspects of their culture: language, customs, etc. I see it most obviously in the rejection of the Korean language (DH's family stopped speaking Hangul in their home by the time he was 4 to get him ready for school). Some KAs can switch even their mindsets, personal expression depending on whom they are interacting with. So with me, my KA friend might be blunt, sharing every little detail of their lives (which I love because that's how I do life!) but with another KA in the room, they might be quiet, more subdued, and say little, just nod, looking slightly to the side and not in the other person's eyes. This would be at the same event! KAs balance their "real culture" which is Korean with their other culture, which is American.

 

And then there's me. And most likely, other adoptees.

 

I am not on the KA spectrum. I do not accept some parts of the Korean culture and reject some. I am not Korean. If Korean American-ism were a chart, I'd be off it! I am not balancing two cultures within myself and in my relationships. I am of one culture. 

 

But the way Koreans view me is based on the color of my skin and the shape of my eyes. 

 

It is an understandable mistake: I look Korean, therefore I must be. And when I act as the loud and heart-on-sleeve person that I am, I get lots of dirty looks, esp. in Korea. But here in the States, I only get when I explain my life story in 20 seconds to the Korean cashier at the commissary: "Ah, you should learn the language." I don't get offended anymore, but I used to get angry at that. Why should I learn the language of the culture that most likely encouraged my birthfamily to give me up? (Fourth girl in a family of all girls). 

 

My adopted brother was given up because mental illness is also looked down on in the Korean culture and he definitely has some. His birthmother ran away from his birthfather and sister and him when he was two because she had a mental breakdown. Since boys are more valued in that culture, for a boy to be given up for adoption means that he's rejected for a mental or physical disability, often. 

 

My adoption papers said that my birthparents were 11 years apart in age and unmarried. As illegitimate children are looked down on in that culture, it was presented as the reason I was given up for adoption. I found out my senior year of college that the papers were false; that my birthparents were the same age, married, and had three girls before me. Cultural beliefs play a big role in any person's decisions, whether we realize it or not, and cultural beliefs played a role in my birthparents' decision. 

 

I hope I don't sound bitter or angry; I am not anymore. 

 

I'm learning to accept people for who they are: not only for where they were born, but for their words and actions and beliefs. This includes learning to understand and accept Koreans. I'm learning to sift through what is culture and what is personality. I'm also learning how to present myself in a less offensive way. One girl at a KA Bible study I spoke at mentioned that it's very offensive to be blunt about anything, lol! I'm blunt about everything! 

 

Clearer than mud? 

 

:D

[Year Round Mom]

I'm sorry too. Sincerely. It is very easy to say that "korean culture" feels a certain way, but each person has a different view of this. I know many older Koreans that feel a lot of guilt that korean kids were adopted out. They feel a sense that it was their shortcoming and not that the child lacked anything.

 

When I read that Korea "rejected her" it seemed like the OP was saying that they blamed her for being adopted out.

 

Thank you so much for your kindness!!!

 

It's not so much that I feel they blame me for being adopted out, but more that I should be living as the Korean they see me to be. It feels like they are offended that I don't know the language and that I'm loud and blunt. Sometimes they ask about my parents, like, "Did they allow you to be Korean in any way?" as if it's their fault! It's not my parents' fault I don't speak Hangul. It's that no one was teaching it in rural small town America where I grew up! 

[Year Round Mom]

As I understand it, there is some very real prejudice in Korea against adoptees, especially among the older generation.  When my sister had talked of adopting, she and her husband expressed some concern as to how much his parents would accept the child as their grandchild because of the way Korean culture views adoptees, almost as second-class citizens.  Supposedly that is changing, and one of the evidences of that is that Korea is scaling back its international adoption program.  (Haven't followed that recently, but at one point they were expecting to close it altogether.  I think the fact that they have not means that there is still difficulty getting folks to accept adoption.)

 

That doesn't really get into the rejection-of-culture issue, but as was mentioned, Koreans are very tribal, very proud of their culture.  I imagine it is hard for them to wrap their minds around someone who they expect to be very Korean, who is so far removed from Korean culture.  Probably the same thing that bothers Korean parents when their Korean-American kids are "too American."  Add to that the prejudice against adoptees... I'm sure it can be hard.  I worry about that if we adopt.  

 

I'm sorry the OP has had to deal with it.  :grouphug:

 

You get me, sista!

 

*high-five*

 

:seeya:

 

(That's as close as a smiley gets to a high-five...)

[Year Round Mom]

Thanks.  I will take a look at the book.

 

My son is the opposite I think.  He had a HUGE argument with his brothers that he was CHINESE and NOT AMERICAN.  We had a big discussion on what "American" means and I told him he can be Chinese AND American.  

 

Actually, no one who knows him well even thinks about his hands and feet.  It is people who don't know him well or just meet him.  We had a problem at camp last summer.  He said all the kids would come up to him and ask and it got on his nerves.

 

The Chinese group never mentions it, other than the ones who are doctors and ask for medical reasons, but they ask ME and not him.  He is just a very likable kid and makes friends easily.

 

He is only 10 so I do wonder if entering his teen years he may be more sensitive.

 

Dawn

 

To me, that's the beauty of being an American! Americans can choose to embrace another culture, whether they were born and/or raised in it or not! Some might say, my paternal great-grandfather was Irish, so I'm Irish, too. Or they might not give it a second thought. They will not be judged by other Irishmen, though, right? Beyond some friendly ribbing? (Correct me if I'm wrong!) Or someone might say, I'm interested in Irish culture, so I'm going to learn all about it and adopt some of their mindsets and customs. And no one would bat an eyelash! There would be no hardcore judgment.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but the American cultural mindset seems to be: you are of the culture you embrace. If you want to embrace various aspects of 5 cultures, more power to ya!

 

To me, Korean culture says: you are Korean or you're not. If you are, then you must be all Korean. If you choose to embrace another culture, that means you're rejecting parts of your Korean-ness. 

 

The dilemma for the Korean adoptee, especially one who was adopted before she was aware of culture, is: Why do you look at me as if I am offending you with my words and actions? I do not mean to offend! I did not know that is how you view the world and how you view me. I am very sorry!!! And then she says: am I offensive? am I accepted? am I rejected? Who am I?

[DawnM]

But I think part of this is found any time a new immigrant has children and their children become "too American."  In our Chinese groups, there is a huge distinction between parents who are ABC (American Born Chinese) and FBC (Foreign Born Chinese.)  FBC parents have a hard time with their ABC children acting less and less Chinese than they would prefer.

 

We are actively seeking a pastor for the ABC youth group who could potentially bridge the gap a bit more (i.e.: be accepted by the parents and yet have wisdom in dealing with the children.)

 

As far as rejection, that too is part of being adopted in general.  I was adopted.  I have a huge gap in my life.  I have no idea who I am or where I get certain mannerisms, thoughts, ideas, and such.

 

I am not trying to argue, just to state that some of these are things that are faced across the board and not just because it is Korean.  And I know I didn't have to deal with looking completely different.  My parents are Caucasian and I am Caucasian.

 

Dawn

 

To me, that's the beauty of being an American! Americans can choose to embrace another culture, whether they were born and/or raised in it or not! Some might say, my paternal great-grandfather was Irish, so I'm Irish, too. Or they might not give it a second thought. They will not be judged by other Irishmen, though, right? Beyond some friendly ribbing? (Correct me if I'm wrong!) Or someone might say, I'm interested in Irish culture, so I'm going to learn all about it and adopt some of their mindsets and customs. And no one would bat an eyelash! There would be no hardcore judgment.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but the American cultural mindset seems to be: you are of the culture you embrace. If you want to embrace various aspects of 5 cultures, more power to ya!

 

To me, Korean culture says: you are Korean or you're not. If you are, then you must be all Korean. If you choose to embrace another culture, that means you're rejecting parts of your Korean-ness. 

 

The dilemma for the Korean adoptee, especially one who was adopted before she was aware of culture, is: Why do you look at me as if I am offending you with my words and actions? I do not mean to offend! I did not know that is how you view the world and how you view me. I am very sorry!!! And then she says: am I offensive? am I accepted? am I rejected? Who am I?

 

[Year Round Mom]

But I think part of this is found any time a new immigrant has children and their children become "too American."  In our Chinese groups, there is a huge distinction between parents who are ABC (American Born Chinese) and FBC (Foreign Born Chinese.)  FBC parents have a hard time with their ABC children acting less and less Chinese than they would prefer.

 

We are actively seeking a pastor for the ABC youth group who could potentially bridge the gap a bit more (i.e.: be accepted by the parents and yet have wisdom in dealing with the children.)

 

Hmmm, I do wonder how the Chinese view adoption? I wonder how hard it is for FBC parents to deal with the ABC-ness of their children. Do they see the children as leaving the culture? Or is it more of a "we wish you embraced more of the culture, but we accept you anyways"? 

 

As far as rejection, that too is part of being adopted in general.  I was adopted.  I have a huge gap in my life.  I have no idea who I am or where I get certain mannerisms, thoughts, ideas, and such.

 

I agree with you. I'm right there with ya!

 

I am not trying to argue, just to state that some of these are things that are faced across the board and not just because it is Korean.  And I know I didn't have to deal with looking completely different.  My parents are Caucasian and I am Caucasian.

 

No worries! I lurk on the board daily and in a semi-stalkerish way know many who post and I believe in the general goodwill here at WTM :)

 

I feel like I can't make blanket statements because I am just one over-analyzing, overly dramatic person trying to make sense out of these vague uncomfortable feelings I get around certain people! 

 

You are doing so much more for your DS than my own parents did for me in that you are keeping the dialog open and flowing. My parents weren't very open about anything. Which is fine. I love them for loving me in the best way they knew how!

 

Maybe your DS's ethnic identity will be important to him, maybe it won't. Either way, you now have another person's experience to draw on!!!

 

Dawn

 

[solascriptura]

To me, that's the beauty of being an American! Americans can choose to embrace another culture, whether they were born and/or raised in it or not! Some might say, my paternal great-grandfather was Irish, so I'm Irish, too. Or they might not give it a second thought. They will not be judged by other Irishmen, though, right? Beyond some friendly ribbing? (Correct me if I'm wrong!) Or someone might say, I'm interested in Irish culture, so I'm going to learn all about it and adopt some of their mindsets and customs. And no one would bat an eyelash! There would be no hardcore judgment.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but the American cultural mindset seems to be: you are of the culture you embrace. If you want to embrace various aspects of 5 cultures, more power to ya!

 

To me, Korean culture says: you are Korean or you're not. If you are, then you must be all Korean. If you choose to embrace another culture, that means you're rejecting parts of your Korean-ness.

 

The dilemma for the Korean adoptee, especially one who was adopted before she was aware of culture, is: Why do you look at me as if I am offending you with my words and actions? I do not mean to offend! I did not know that is how you view the world and how you view me. I am very sorry!!! And then she says: am I offensive? am I accepted? am I rejected? Who am I?

 

I can see why you would say that. But I believe that because Korea is made up overwhelmingly by one, single culture they cannot understand what it means to draw from different cultures as an American might do. As an Asian American I totally draw upon both of my cultures.

[Murmer]

Do you feel you experienced racism?  Did you notice a difference in the way you were treated when with your white parents versus when you are on your own?  

 

(From a white mom of two black babies, I love your perspective because it is different from some of the other adoptees I have heard from and I appreciate the differences :))

[Year Round Mom]

Do you feel you experienced racism?  Did you notice a difference in the way you were treated when with your white parents versus when you are on your own?  

 

(From a white mom of two black babies, I love your perspective because it is different from some of the other adoptees I have heard from and I appreciate the differences :))

 

Wow, this thread is from May! How time flies! I have been thinking on this since you posted this question, believe it or not...

 

I met another Korean adoptee recently. She also was adopted as an infant, grew up in a farm community (not racially diverse) and experienced the same thing I did from the Koreans she met: racism. 

 

When I was with my parents, when I am with my mom, I think I am treated differently by the Koreans I meet: they just treat me as they do my mom...which is...uh...nice, polite! They tend to be nice to me when I'm on my own, but they also shame me in other ways. I can't remember if I told this story upthread, but when DH (who is Korean American) and I were first married and still living over there, a Korean man who had married a friend of ours, a sweet Hungarian lady (love her!) invited us over for dinner. He told us he was mad at us for a while because we were obviously denying our Korean culture. My DH was, sure, but I wasn't. At the time, I didn't react because I was like, "Oh yeah, I totally understand, that's okay." I'm a conflict-avoider and always naively believe the best about people. But years later as I was processing this whole thingy, it occurred to me that that was painful, because I was judged on the color of my skin and not on my cultural upbringing. Not that I can blame them, but that's why I try to explain up front to the baggers at the commissary that I'm adopted so they can know right away (theoretically) that what I look like outside is not who I am on the inside. I try to give them an opportunity not to judge me based on where my DNA comes from. 

 

I do not mind that most people's first reaction when they meet me is "ah, she's Asian" because I look like it! (That's what I thought when I first met my new friend! We eyeballed each other warily, I'm sure because we'd been burned by so many Koreans, ha! When I found out she was adopted and we had parallel lives, I was like, "Koreans! So racist!" and she was like, "Right?" ETA: that's an extremely over simplified version of our conversation. We were much more circumspect than that. Please know it was an emotion-driven conversation; we were just so surprised to be validated by each other's life experiences.) Most people when I tell them I do not consider myself an Asian, they nod, like "Yeah, that's cool." But when I am judged and shamed because of how I look, then that's not cool. And I don't experience that from folk from any other culture but Korean.

 

I can't remember if I told this story either, but my mom's husband's mother and his daughter were chatting with me once and as I was speed-talking (my specialty!) through my stories, I mentioned that I'm white and kept on going. His mom, who is an amazing older lady, full of life and very straight-forward, was like, "excuse me? Did you just say you were white?" And I was like, "Yes, look at my parents, my sister, my family. Look at my community!" Her college-aged granddaughter looked at me with understanding and respect. She nodded slowly and I could tell she was accepting it. It was cool :)

 

I hope that the black community is more accepting of your babies! I am starting to think that each culture reacts differently to its adoptees. Regardless, I hope these stories help you guide your babies as they grow and shape their identities!

[JoJosMom]

OP:

 

I have nothing to add to this other than thank you.  In our modern, quasi-tribal world, I think you've willingly stepped into a minefield.  Thank you for valuing the people who raised you and for sharing your experiences with those who have opened their homes and hearts to children from other places.  Finances prevented us from adopting from across the world (we are American), but I refuse to think of those who do as evil interlopers.

 

Truly, thank you for sharing your thoughts.

 

Edited to add:  How I wish we could truly evaluate one another as individuals! 

[mom@shiloh]

I'm glad this thread has resurfaced.  I didn't have time to read it in May.  My youngest five children were adopted from China.  Three of them are teenagers now and are struggling somewhat with the anger and rejection.  While I want to be sensitive to the unique struggles of adoption and being transracial, I also want them to understand that many teenagers struggle with these things.  

 

Any recommendations for good books for kids to read at this age to help them through this?  

[Year Round Mom]

I'm glad this thread has resurfaced.  I didn't have time to read it in May.  My youngest five children were adopted from China.  Three of them are teenagers now and are struggling somewhat with the anger and rejection.  While I want to be sensitive to the unique struggles of adoption and being transracial, I also want them to understand that many teenagers struggle with these things.  

 

That's a good place to be! 

 

Any recommendations for good books for kids to read at this age to help them through this?  

I can't find the book on amazon, but I received as a gift a collection of writings by Korean adoptees. It was encouraging to read about others' experiences and how they processed it all. I wonder if you could find something similar for Chinese adoptees?

 

Maybe your dc can find blogs or vlogs made by Chinese adoptees, too! 

 

I know there was a conference when I was a young adult in Washington, DC for Korean adoptees and probably other interested Koreans. I don't know if there is one for Chinese adoptees?

 

The best counsel and comfort tend to come from people who have been there, done that, I think. It's just so encouraging to feel that someone has experienced what I experienced and if they made it through, so can I! I'm not doing this alone! 

 

But counsel and comfort mean nothing if not offered in love and that is what is offered by you, the parent! By providing a safe place for a teen to figure stuff out you give your dc a great gift!

 

I'm sorry I don't have anything more specific :( Maybe someone else has good resources?

 

Anger is a secondary emotion that stems from hurt and rejection. So to address the anger completely, you'd need to get to the heart of the issue, which is rejection. You are right, most if not all teens (just people in general!) experience rejection in some form or another in their lives. So perhaps you could bring up adoption and being transracial in a gentle way to see if it resonates with any of your dc. It might resonate with one and not at all with another.  I hope that this helps, though it's feeling so vague-ish!

[sewingmama]

I don't know what the ratio of boy to girl adoptions from Korea is, though. I didn't think it was lopsided like in China. I know someone who adopted a boy from Korea, but I don't have any friends who adopted a girl from there.

There are very few healthy Korean girls available for adoption. Many more boys are available. Partly because Americans tend to want to adopt girls but also because IF a Korean does adopt they will always adopt a girl. Bloodlines are important in Korea and important traditions are performed by boys. Family records are kept through the male bloodline and they have to be "pure" and not adoptedd so to speak.

 

Contrary to popular belief...Koreans do love their girls...as do the Chinese. However societal pressure for certain beliefs and traditions means boys are more ' necessary'. Upon marriage the girl goes to the husbands family whilst a son is the one expected to look after his aging parents.

 

IF a Korean adopts they usually announce they are pregnant and then go on a 9 month 'holiday' to visit relatives and return with a baby ( girl). Nobody tells anyone the child is adopted and if people suspect they don't mention it.

[HS Mom in NC]

My youngest was adopted from S. Korea.

 

Illegitimacy is not tolerated there.  Most unwed mothers abort their babies. A very small minority place their babies for international adoption.  Bloodlines matter very much there so of the very few willing to adopt most do so without family knowing about it-including the child as (s)he gets older. Social prejudices are terrible for unwed mothers and their families there.  Very few women admit to being birthmothers or agree to see the adult children they placed for adoption even when tracked down. The social cost is very high. Unwed mothers who place their babies for adoption usually disappear and go to places like Ae Ran Wan (pregnant mothers home) until they give birth. S. Korean law does not require the birthfather to consent to have the child placed for adoption-a lot of them have no idea the girlfriend was ever pregnant.  Those that do seem to not see it as their problem. Eastern Social Welfare Service has been working to change this social attitude, but that kind of change comes slowly.

 

We're very fortunate to have a Korean American community here that always includes our adoption agency families.  We go to Children's Day every year and have been treated kindly there. We went to an Ariang Festival at a church and were treated very kindly. There are also agency sponsored events for Chusok here every year.

 

We have a S. Korean born and raised TKD master from Seoul married to a Caucasian woman from NY. Most of the students have Asian immigrant parents so my youngest blends in there. I stick out. He was very helpful when I wanted to plan a Korean unit study for the Medieval period.  He called his sister, whose son attends an international school, she found out which texts were recommended, let him know, he found them in English and ordered them for me so I just had to reimburse him.   Thank you, Master Shin! I showed him the Korean History lapbook we made based on what was in those books and others I'd found.  He said he thought it was good that I made an effort to teach her some of her ethnic heritage.

 

My brother works with a Caucasian man married to a  Korean woman born and raised in Seoul. The guy mentioned he was interested in homeschooling.  My brother put us in contact.  We get together a lot now.  Her mother is a Korean History teacher in Seoul.  Guess who's getting a phone call when I'm done planning out SOTW3?  I'll do another week of Korean history for the Early Modern era and I'll have her check with her mother to see if I picked the right events to cover and ask her for suggestions if I don't. (The books are high school level, so it's not so obvious what the best choices are for a young child.)  I showed her the lapbook and history books Master Shin ordered and she said they were her favorite books in school. Thanks again, Master Shin!

 

Helpful Resources:
 

The Gathering http://ikaa.org/en/

 

When You Were Born in Korea (there's a China version too) http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_c_0_27?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=when%20you%20were%20born%20in%20korea&sprefix=when+you+were+born+in+korea%2Caps%2C417

I Wish For You a Beautiful Life http://www.amazon.com/Wish-You-Beautiful-Life-Children/dp/0963847236/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1404857522&sr=8-1&keywords=I+wish+you+a+beautiful+life

Voices from Another Place http://www.amazon.com/Voices-Another-Place-Collection-Generation/dp/0963847244/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1404857598&sr=8-1&keywords=voices+from+another+place

After the Morning Calm http://www.amazon.com/After-Morning-Calm-Reflections-Adoptees/dp/0818702869/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1404857667&sr=8-1&keywords=after+the+morning+calm%27

Culture Shock! Korea http://www.amazon.com/CultureShock-Korea-Culture-Shock-ebook/dp/B009GFRVG6/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1404857729&sr=8-1&keywords=culture+shock+korea

Cross Cultural Adoption http://www.amazon.com/CultureShock-Korea-Culture-Shock-ebook/dp/B009GFRVG6/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1404857729&sr=8-1&keywords=culture+shock+korea

 

A Korean History For International Readers http://www.amazon.com/A-Korean-History-International-Readers/dp/8958623632/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1404857904&sr=8-1&keywords=A+Korean+HIstory+for+international+readers

Korea http://www.amazon.com/Korea-Search-Country-Society-People/dp/B004I1BDXA/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1404857994&sr=8-3&keywords=korea+won+bok+rhie