Bess Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 I find as an adult, making friends is like dating. It never seemed like this in high school or college. But definitely now. I find the whole experience uncomfortable. And there isn't just one to one friendships that have to mesh, but two to two, considering spouses. So, what happens if someone invites you over to get to know each other (first date), and you find you don't have anything in common and your personalities don't jive?? You just don't call them back? You don't initiate a response get-together? Do you become sort-of friends so not to hurt feelings? :confused: Do you tell them that it's just not going to work out?? On the flip side...What if you like them, but you're not sure they like you? Do you call them? Once? Twice? Do you expect a response invitation to get together (assuming you had them over first), and if you don't get one, you assume they aren't interested? :001_huh: See....it's like dating. Like one big game. I hate it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fosterisacoolcat Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 Oh, I really understand where you are coming from! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Atl Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 Yup, yup, and more yup! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sdWTMer Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 I guess that I find people I like, it doesn't necessarily mean that my dh has to mesh with their dh; likewise, for my dh. We get lucky sometimes at church when we find a couple we both fit in with, but it's rare. To answer your question about calling them, I would call. Of course, I am the calling kind of gal! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milovany Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 I've said this many times (your subject line)! It took me by surprise the first time my heart pitter-patted in a store when I ran into a gal I really admired and with whom I was hoping a friendship would develop. That's when I realized that it really CAN be a lot like dating. Just be comfortable with who YOU are and what you'd like. If there's a friendship you'd like to pursue, give it a go. If one doesn't work out ... oh, well. Don't waste time regretting that, just keep going -- YOU are awesome and people WILL be blessed in friendship with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sophia Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 :iagree: I never thought of it like that, but you are so right! And not only do I stress over the dh's getting along, but the dc too :ack2: To answer your questions; I would call and invite someone over again if all went well. It's actually easier for me to have people over, though, because of my little ones. If things did not go well, I would probably be nice, but always "busy" which I really always am anyway...even if it's just hanging out here :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lwilliams1922 Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 Gosh, this has gotten harder and harder for me during the last few years. I've been discovering my true self and it seems it's just not as main streem as most. I've discovered homeschooling, AP, natural living,... In no way do I expect anyone to have the same views as I do but it seems that a lot of people that I run into in this area are not as open and accepting to my interests. Seems like in the last year or so any new friends I've made have been on line. anyone ever talk about regional meet and greets?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweetpeach Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 Sheesh, how ironic . . . I just had this exact same conversation with dh this evening. It makes me pretty uncomfortable when a potential g-friend lays it on thick and heavy in the first few months of getting to know each other. Throw family/parenting/husband dynamics into the mix and it's generally hard. Add in the church dynamic layer and the whole things makes me want to suck my thumb in a quiet corner. No solutions . . . but I really hear you. My dilemma is this: I want to be an includer/gatherer and help people feel comfortable morphing into our church community, but I can't be friends with everyone. I have limited energy and relational gas. The people who I cross paths with and don't necessarily plug in with, I try to "connect" those folks with better matches. A friendship matchmaker. It's very tricky, no question. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melmac Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 I thought I was the only one who thinks like that.Nice to know it's normal, I was feelin' kinda weird about it. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gandpsmommy Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 Gosh, this has gotten harder and harder for me during the last few years. I've been discovering my true self and it seems it's just not as main streem as most. I've discovered homeschooling, AP, natural living,... In no way do I expect anyone to have the same views as I do but it seems that a lot of people that I run into in this area are not as open and accepting to my interests. Seems like in the last year or so any new friends I've made have been on line. anyone ever talk about regional meet and greets?? This is me, as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer in MI Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 Oh yes!! This is so true! Then, I have the added ingredient in the mixture that my dh is a priest. So, friendships within our church are different. Recently, dh and I have befriended a couple couples. On the outside, we really shouldn't get along - politics are different; one's a working mom and I stay home; one has a live-in nanny and housekeeper (!), etc, etc,etc. But, what we do have in common is a large family. That has been key for us. Good luck with your quest!! (This thread reminds me that we have to invite two different couples over for dinner soon!! Thanks!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snickelfritz Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 We had a couple that we were good friends with. The dh's got along. I got along with the wife. The kids got along (actually we had dd's within a week of each other.) We literally talked on the phone at least once a day and hung out with them at least once a week. Something has gone south to the point that we speak only if we run into each other at church (and we're switching churches, which nixes even that.) It's cordial, but strange. It's left me a little bitter and I guess you could say heartsick. At least my dd has quit asking when she is going to see "X". Breaking up is hard to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Academy of Jedi Arts Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 Hmmm... well, while dh and I do have couple friends, we also have our own friends. Most of my friends are people I've met through activities, the neighborhood, family, or through dd's activities, so not calling the people back really isn't an option. I have freinds that I enjoy shopping with, friends I enjoy going out for a drink with, friends I like inviting over for chit chat. I guess when people come into my life, I try my best to make them fit somehow. It doesn't mean we have to be best friends, but I like a lot of variety in my life. Dh and I had this huge backyard block party once. We invited everyone - friends and neighbors. Things like that are really fun, but I think that years later I have friends from many more different walks of life. If I got them all together, they might kill each other. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommamia Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 Oh that is us as well. We seldom have couple friends, but I have my friends and he has his. I agree it is like dating. Yes, it does seem harder than it used to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bess Posted August 18, 2008 Author Share Posted August 18, 2008 We had a couple that we were good friends with. The dh's got along. I got along with the wife. The kids got along (actually we had dd's within a week of each other.) We literally talked on the phone at least once a day and hung out with them at least once a week. Something has gone south to the point that we speak only if we run into each other at church (and we're switching churches, which nixes even that.) It's cordial, but strange. It's left me a little bitter and I guess you could say heartsick. At least my dd has quit asking when she is going to see "X". Breaking up is hard to do. Oh yes, I forgot about the breakup! Been there, done that. :tongue_smilie: I'm trying to avoid friendships now that might end in breakups. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WyoSylvia Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 I have been thinking for a long time that it is definitely harder than it was when I was in high school. Last weekend I went to my 20 year HS reunion and it just emphasized it - now I can't even feel comfortable with those old friends! I would love a friendship-matchmaker! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chanda7 Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 I've always had some difficulty making close friends, and now, it almost seems impossible. We live in a rural area, so that limits the amount of potential friends right there. It is very hard to find other families with the same priorities, and if religion comes into play (which is usually does at some point), we have an even more difficult time as our beliefs are not exactly mainstream. There is only one other family who homeschools at our church, and the children are much older than ours *sigh* Not that we could only be friends with another couple unless they homeschooled, but I'm not going to mesh well with another woman who has a career-over-family mindset. That family is also the only family with a SAHM. Where do you draw the line on what is important? When are you being too picky? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommylawyer Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 I couldn't agree more. I've just recently joined a new homeschool group close to us. We're planning on meeting everyone next week and I'm NERVOUS! Will I like them, will they like me - more importantly, will my kids like it! I think it has to do with life experiences. As a child, high schooler, even college student (at least in the beginning), you don't have as many experiences and haven't learned as much. You also are "going through" something your peers are experiencing, too. As an adult, you've already "been there and done that," so you're more choosy - you gravitate more toward people who are like you and you've already been through so much that many people are weeded out based on dissimilar life experiences. Yet another reason why being a kid was so much easier! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 Well said! I agree with you. And frankly, I got married fairly young so I didn't even know how to really date to begin with! I'm failing horribly at dating friends right now! Maybe we should start an Eharmony for friends?! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommybee Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 Well said! I agree with you. And frankly, I got married fairly young so I didn't even know how to really date to begin with! I'm failing horribly at dating friends right now! Maybe we should start an Eharmony for friends?! I think that's a great idea. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lwilliams1922 Posted August 19, 2008 Share Posted August 19, 2008 I couldn't agree more. I've just recently joined a new homeschool group close to us. We're planning on meeting everyone next week and I'm NERVOUS! Will I like them, will they like me - more importantly, will my kids like it! Oh gosh that reminds me. I have my first home school meetings coming up! We joined the 2 local groups here during the summer and this is the first meeting we're going to. ONE of them is tonight! It takes me quite a while to warm up to people in person. I've been told that people see me as stand offish, when it's really just shyness. :( The few friends I've made over the last few years I met on line first. Actually I even met DH on line accidentally long before we ever met in person. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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