HappyLady Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 Ok, the subject line sounds a bit childish, but I really feel like a kid right now with this situation. Being a homeschooler, I'm always trying to find ways for my kids to make friends, or at least have playdates. There's this one mom, I'll call her Sally, that I kept seeing at events so I reached out to her. She has a son the same age as my DD and we have 2 very big things in common so we easily carry on a conversation with each other whenever we see each other. Both of us are pretty much starting out in homeschooling, but she was really unaware of all the opportunities in our area for homeschoolers so I filled her in. She was incredibly grateful and she started attending even more events that I went to. And our children get along amazingly well. Her son even came to my DD's birthday party recently. Well, there are two other moms, I'll call them Mary and Jen, that through local online groups I have discovered have the same exact things in common as Sally and myself and also have kids the same ages as ours. I talked to Sally about us reaching out to Mary and Jen and she thought it was a great idea. She went ahead and did it. And made playdates with them. Without inviting me. :confused1: Whenever I'd see Sally I'd say, "Hey, if you ever meetup with Mary or Jen again I'd love to come along." And she'd always say she'd definitely let me know when they're getting together again. Then I see pictures on Facebook (I'm friends with Sally and Jen on Facebook) of them getting together. Again, without me. So I decided to take matters into my own hands and I invited all three of them to a playdate at this kids' play place. I scheduled it about 3 weeks ahead of time because I worked with all three of them to find a date that worked for everyone. The day of Mary and Jen canceled (one was sick, the other didn't have a car), but Sally and I met up and we had a great time. So did the kids. They even cried when we had to leave because they were having so much fun together. If I had any inclination that Sally didn't like me I'd back off, but with everything except including me on playdates she's shown that she really likes me so I don't get it. I don't get why if Mary or Jen is asking her on a playdate if she doesn't say, "Hey, how about we invite Bean as well since she's been trying to get together with you." Oh, and I just found out Sally and Mary are meeting up soon. To go to the very kids' play place that I had scheduled our group playdate at. :glare: Sally told me about it and said she'd ask Mary if it was ok that I came ( :confused1: ) and she never got back to me. I don't think this is a case of Sally wanting her own friends either (and not to have me everywhere she goes) because she has plenty of friends outside of our common circles. And whenever I tell her about an event she comes and chats with me the majority of the time instead of with other moms. So I don't get it. I really don't. What more do I have to do? Do I come right out and say something or just move on? :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 Either accept her limitations or find another friend. I would go with the latter. She's a pill. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 It makes me wonder if Mary or Jen are the ones who instigated the play dates you saw on Facebook. Sally as the new comer, didn't feel comfortable with inviting you along to an event that she didn't set up.....or for some reason you didn't hit if off with Mary/Jen or the kids didn't hit it off with yours. It is nice that Sally is trying to get you included now though. I would just keep on, like you did this time. Invite them all and see what happens. If you end up having a time with all of you together, you may be able to start to build the friendships to the point that you are invited also. (((( It is so hard to make/keep good friends. ))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyLady Posted February 6, 2014 Author Share Posted February 6, 2014 It makes me wonder if Mary or Jen are the ones who instigated the play dates you saw on Facebook. Sally as the new comer, didn't feel comfortable with inviting you along to an event that she didn't set up.....or for some reason you didn't hit if off with Mary/Jen or the kids didn't hit it off with yours. It is nice that Sally is trying to get you included now though. I would just keep on, like you did this time. Invite them all and see what happens. If you end up having a time with all of you together, you may be able to start to build the friendships to the point that you are invited also. (((( It is so hard to make/keep good friends. ))) I've never met Mary and Jen in real life. We've chatted in our online groups and on Facebook, but that's it. They both sounded very excited to meet me and get our kids together so I don't get it. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 If she attends more events than you do, it could come off that she is a "social butterfly" and people do tend to arrange play dates at events that include only those present. Sometimes my kids get invited to playdates just because we happen to be there when the invite was issued. Not because someone had a list of invitees in mind. Maybe try inviting one more time and then move on if it doesn't work out. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 I've never met Mary and Jen in real life. We've chatted in our online groups and on Facebook, but that's it. They both sounded very excited to meet me and get our kids together so I don't get it. :( Then I would say that is exactly what happened. You are the hypothetical wonderful person, but you are the hypothetical problem mom too. They don't know you, so you just haven't been in the front of their minds when they set up the play dates. Try inviting them a few more times and see if you can pull everyone together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 :grouphug: It's hard to know what's going on, but I don't think it's childish to be hurt when you're excluded from get-togethers you'd like to have been invited to. I can relate. I wish it were as easy to make friends as a grown-up as it was when I was a kid or in college. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 What I've learned is that many adults really just don't get social etiquette, even if they like you! They make in-the-moment decisions and don't even think about how others might be affected, and it doesn't mean they don't enjoy being with you. I don't really get it when it seems so obvious to me, but I think a lot (maybe even the majority) of people are just like that. Try not to take it personally. It is weird though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SadieMarie Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 I would approach then all as individuals and forget about the group stuff for now. Can you set up some individual play dates with Mary and/or Jen as well as Sally? And I would not talk about one with either of the others. It sounds like there might be something sort of strange happening but hard to know who is driving it and why. But if you work on the individual friendships and then try setting up some group stuff that might work better then trying to create a group. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 I agree, maybe seek out an individual play date with the other two, so you have a chance to bond with them one on one, as a real person, not a hypothetical, then make the effort to continue trying to schedule group outings. I ran into this same issue once and that was how I handled it. Really, they weren't trying to be rude, but they had not met me IRL so it wasn't until I had made the effort to get to know them one on one that they started genuinely thinking to include me (and, yes, the one person I did know was new, was not creating playdates of her own, just following what the others were doing and did not feel comfortable just inviting me along since the others did not know me in person). It worked out fine in the end. I will say, though, that I have been in a situation where two others honestly SOUNDED interested in getting together, but when I got to know them a bit better, I realized they said that to pretty much everyone but the only people they actually made much effort to hang out with were people with social status or they could gain something from knowing (like access to a swimming pool or season box tickets to a sports event, etc.) I realized, once I got to know them, that pursuing a friendship was not in my best interest or that of my children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 Then I would say that is exactly what happened. You are the hypothetical wonderful person, but you are the hypothetical problem mom too. They don't know you, so you just haven't been in the front of their minds when they set up the play dates. Try inviting them a few more times and see if you can pull everyone together. :iagree: It is not even thinking that you are a hypothetical problem mom. It is just that they are probably busy and you are not in the front of their minds when it comes to playdates. I wouldn't assume any malicious intent, and would just try to get together with them for individual playdates first. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel TX Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 They might prefer to visit with only one or two families at a time. You throw four moms and all their kids together, and it might be more chaos than they like. Try getting together with just one or two of them; it's easier to have real conversations that way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 Something else just occurred to me. I really don't like group playdates. I'm also slow and cautious at introducing new children if my child has an established friendship / dyad with another child. My kids really enjoy 1:1 playdates, and are not very kin on group events, even if it is a small group. So if DD is friends with C and they play well together, I'm not very eager to have a 3 or 4 kid playdate, because I know DD wouldn't enjoy it. Maybe that's an issue with Marry and Jen and their as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 Keep at it! I wouldn't yet make assumptions that they don't want to know you until you actually meet them in person. It takes persistence to form and maintain friendships these days. Persist! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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