Differences

[DragonFaerie]

Disclaimer:  This is NOT an invitation for spouse-bashing in any way.  I want to hear how you make things work, not how you argue/fight over them.

 

 

What differences of opinion do you have between you and your spouse/significant other?  Major differences like different political views?  Different religious beliefs?  Minor differences like your spouse loves fishing but you hate it?  You love to read and your spouse hates books?  How do you manage your differences and make your relationship work in spite of them?

 

Again, this is not for any type of spouse-bashing.  I'm truly wanting to learn how people make their relationships work in spite of small and large differences of opinions/views.

[Dory]

My spouse is an authoritarian parent, and I tend to like a closer relationship with the kids than him. He has learned to soften as we talk about things and I have learned to let go a little and let him parent, trusting that he loves his kids as much as I do. He is extremely touch orientated and I hate people in my personal bubble. Again, a LOT of talking and arguing and hurt moments have happened before we have slowly been learning how to bend a little on that one so that we can meet in the middle regularly enough to appreciate each other. I come from a sports family and love to play. The only sport he played with his family was baseball and they say horseshoes but I say that's not a sport, lol.

Lots and Lots and LOTS of talking are a necessity and a desire on both sides to understand the other persons point of view. If both sides are working for it, well it won't change or improve in any way. I have also found that a counselor now and then is a good idea. Having someone from the outside add a point of view gives a healthier perspective on a numerous different situations.

[Sasharowan]

Part of what makes it work for us is neither of us are highly opinionated people. We don't build hills to die on. I love books, he doesn't but he builds me bookshelves to keep my books on even if he would have maybe 5 books in the house if let to himself. I don't use tools (not pretty when I try), but I buy him tools, find places to store them, put up with wood stashed in weird places waiting for a project. You don't have to have the same hobbies, likes, etc. Just give each other space to do those hobbies. You like different movies? Either choose another activity to do together or agree to take turns picking the movie and watch the other's pick without complaint or snide comments. There is usually a compromise. Our biggest disagreement has to do with safety of all things. We have different ideas of what it is safe for kids to do and at one age. Often, we are surprised at what they can do, above and beyond what either of us thought.

[UnsinkableKristen]

We have a lot more similarities than differences, so that makes things easier.  On the things that we view differently, the one who is more passionate about the subject usually gets their way (it happens pretty equally, so neither of us feels pushed over).  On things where we are each equally passionate, we talk and talk and talk and talk until we hash out something we both feel good about. 

 

Basically just a lot of talking and really trying to understand why the other person feels that way and acknowledging that they have just as much of a right to their feelings on a subject as you do.

[AlmiraGulch]

We are different in many ways.  We have different religious beliefs.  I'm an avid reader and he is not.  He gets super excited about guitars and musical things, and I get sick of hearing about it.  We have different parenting styles, but we don't share children so he leaves mine to me and I leave his to him, for the most part.  He thinks laundry should come out of the dryer as soon as it's dry, and I think it's a good place to store clothes until I need them!  So, lots of stuff, big or small.  What matters is that we are respectful of each others' beliefs, and we, like others have said, tend to defer to the person who is more passionate about a particular issue.   Mostly, we just are fine having different points of view on things.  

[DragonFaerie]

Thanks for the great stuff.  Sounds like talking things through, respecting the other's views, and a willingness to agree to disagree are key.  What do you do when you agree to disagree on big things like politics or religion?  Do you just not discuss those topics since you know the other person is not going to agree with you anyway?

 

ETA:  I mean things like not saying, "Oh, I can't believe Politician X just said that!  What an idiot!" because you know that your SO likes Politician X, for example.

[LucyStoner]

We don't have a lot of points of disagreement. The biggest difference between us is class background. That caused some cross class conversations at times when we first got together. We both had a lot to learn from/about each other.

 

I just thought of our biggest ongoing disagreement. He likes bed sheets tucked. I do not. At all. I kick them out every night. Sometimes I make the bed with his side only tucked and I never do more than tuck the bottom. If it were me alone, I'd just shake out the covers and tuck nothing except the fitted sheet. Obviously we don't take this disagreement too seriously. It gets a lot of laughter around here. We pretty much use humor for even larger disagreements.

[OneStepAtATime]

With little things, compromise rules.  My husband likes Miracle Whip and I like Kraft Mayonnaise.  We have both.  My husband hates the sight and smell of sardines.  I can't stand it when he sucks his jello back and forth between his teeth.  We just don't eat those foods in front of each other because we (thankfully) realized early on that our reactions were strong and irrational and it was pointless to fight or try to change our eating choices when this is really a tiny issue in the grand scheme of things and easily solved.  I have my sardine moments where I read a book, eat my sardines and I have some space to myself.  He has his jello moments where he is watching TV and can suck the stuff all he likes while I do something in another room (like hop on WTM).    :)

 

We drop political discussions if they get heated, but we try to be respectful of and listen to the other's point of view.  Usually, we tend to agree in this area.

 

Raising kids has been the biggie and I wish with all my heart we had sat down ahead of time, before we had kids, to discuss everything.  Philosophy, scheduling, punishment, encouragement, etc.  It turns out that my husband and I are not on the same page on a LOT of things with regards to kids and it hit us in the face pretty hard.  We had never discussed any specifics at all.  Then, because we had a really good relationship in other things, we didn't want to upset or offend each other so as irritations or concerns or frustrations or even anger built up inside, we did not address it in a positive, respectful manner.  We stayed silent and let those feelings build until we were getting pretty snappy with each other.  Also, we would make little comments like "well, if you had done this then they wouldn't be doing that..." - not helpful.  We are actually still trying to work through this.  We have been married 17 years and dated for 2 years prior to that so we have known each other a long time.  We were friends before we even dated.  We don't want to toss that out the window so we are trying to find better ways to communicate.  It isn't always easy on the kids, either, with two parents that have vastly different views and practices on parenting....Thankfully, we still love each other and are willing to work this through on a daily basis.

 

Keep the lines of communication going, stay respectful of each other and agree to disagree without resentment.  Don't let little things or big things build without resolution.

 

Oh, and make eye contact and try to smile at one another a few times a day.  This really does help keep you engaged with each other.  And whatever you do, when the other one is talking, don't just half pay attention and mumble one word responses.  Really listen, even if the subject is boring.  You would want them to do the same for you....

[OneStepAtATime]

Religion would possibly be a deal breaker for me.  I would not care if my husband suddenly turned religious so long as he doesn't expect me to join him.  We both have very similar religious backgrounds.  We pretty much never talked about religion other than in a very academic sort of way so I assumed we were on the same page with that.

 

Politics.  Well my husband is from a different country.  Although we lean in the same direction, he has just a very different POV because of what he is used to.  Again, if the differences were extreme and interfered with us getting along, I can't imagine this would not have come up.   We talked almost daily for 5 years before marrying so we covered any topic out there.

 

I would not care in the least if we liked different politicians.  I can't see how that needs to be some sort of major issue that causes us some sort of problem.

 

I dunno, maybe some people don't take much time to get to know the person they ultimately marry, but I spent A TON of time on that.  That fact was probably more luck and circumstance than that I planned it though.  I will say though that prior to meeting my husband I dated a guy for 4 years.  I knew he was not the one I wanted to marry.  There were just too many deal breakers. 

I agree.  I think a lot of people don't take the time to get to know the person they think they want to marry.  I think a lot of people see parts they like and kind of fill in the blank with their own ideas for the rest.  Then it becomes really challenging to get through all the differences that may have been there all along but they didn't take the time to find out about.  

 

My husband and I talk all the time.  We've done that since before we dated and it is a huge help (just wish we had discussed kids in more detail :) .  We were in a group class years ago, waiting on our teacher, and the whole class was full of married couples.  Someone brought up talking with your spouse and asked how many had had a meaningful conversation with their spouse that week.  Not one person raised their hands besides my husband and I.  I was shocked. And we were both very uncomfortable as the silence stretched on and no one said anything....

 

I also remember being shocked when I was talking with my paternal grandmother once (course this was a generational and cultural difference).  She was talking about marrying my grandfather.  They had actually met in person only a couple of times and had corresponded off and on for about a year.  I asked her how well she knew him when they married.  She looked at me, smiled and said, "About as well as when he died."  My paternal grandfather was an extreme introvert.  I just always assumed they did most of their talking behind closed doors.  Guess I was wrong.

[Guest]

Disclaimer:  This is NOT an invitation for spouse-bashing in any way.  I want to hear how you make things work, not how you argue/fight over them.

 

 

What differences of opinion do you have between you and your spouse/significant other?  Major differences like different political views?  Different religious beliefs?  Minor differences like your spouse loves fishing but you hate it?  You love to read and your spouse hates books?  How do you manage your differences and make your relationship work in spite of them?

 

Again, this is not for any type of spouse-bashing.  I'm truly wanting to learn how people make their relationships work in spite of small and large differences of opinions/views.

 

Dh and I are very different in terms of what we enjoy doing for recreation. I love to read, dh never reads books for pleasure. Literally never. I wish he did enjoy it, but I recognize that this is simply not an area we can connect over. I can connect about books with my dd, or with some of my reading friends. So, this is how we navigate differences in hobbies/enjoyment. There are some activities that have overlap, so sometimes we engage in those. We both like to hike. We both like to garden. We both like to take walks to talk. He likes to come pester me while I'm cooking. ;) So, we do together the things we both enjoy, but enjoy other activities with friends or one/two of the kids. He rides motocross with the boys. He loves to ski/snowboard - the kids love it, but I don't. We go on a trip for skiing, but I'm there for the scenery and free time to read. 

 

Our political views are similar, but he is farther to the right than I am. We rarely argue about those differences, though. I just enjoy the things we agree on and infrequently discuss the things we don't. 

 

Fortunately, we have very compatible views on money, sex and extended family. Those are often hot-points with couples, but we rarely argue about these issues. 

[AlmiraGulch]

Thanks for the great stuff.  Sounds like talking things through, respecting the other's views, and a willingness to agree to disagree are key.  What do you do when you agree to disagree on big things like politics or religion?  Do you just not discuss those topics since you know the other person is not going to agree with you anyway?

 

ETA:  I mean things like not saying, "Oh, I can't believe Politician X just said that!  What an idiot!" because you know that your SO likes Politician X, for example.

 

Oh, no, we totally discuss it.  And disagree.  If you can't have a healthy debate with a person you love without getting your knickers in a knot then who can you have one with?

 

ETA:  There are one or two specific topics we absolutely cannot discuss, and since they are inconsequential we just try not to ever bring them up.  Nothing earth-shattering, just self-imposed "no-fly zones".  That's it, though.

[OneStepAtATime]

Whatever works.  It's possible the expectations were very different.  I don't get the impression my grandmother was thrilled with my grandfather as a mate.  She tolerated him.  There was no utterance of divorce.  You get married...you stay married..and you deal was her way of seeing it.  She was angry when he died because her thought was that bastard made me put up with him, now that he is retired and can spend more time with me, he up and dies.

I think my grandmother also had that feeling of you get married, you stay married and you deal with it...like you said, different expectations than what I had for a spouse.

 

I am editing this because the above didn't actually say what I meant it to say.  What I meant was that my grandmother didn't know my grandfather any better when they married than when he died several decades later, but Sparkly Unicorn, i think, is right.  She had different expectations for her marriage than I have for mine.  I really wanted and am glad we have open communications.  I didn't mean that you don't deal with your marriage.  :)

 

And that really is lame for your grandmother (and your grandfather too, I guess).

 

To OP, I also wanted to mention, as long as we are on the topic, I also find that if I am in a bad mood or really tired, as soon as I feel myself getting frustrated or angry, I step away, tell him I am just too tired or whatever to talk at that moment, but if he will hold that topic for another time I will be more than willing to discuss it with him.  It works much better for me to do that than to let a conversation spiral down over something that would not normally be much of an issue.

[DragonFaerie]

So what kinds of things you you and your SO differ on?

[poppy]

I think you have to like and respect your spouse. We disagree about politics and religion to a degree but enjoy talking to each other about our differences.

 

Our big one is I'm a vegetarian and he is not. He doesn't expect me to buy or cook meat for him, I do not ever lecture him or say "ew gross" when he is eating something gross.

 

The ONE thing we both give each other a lot of room on is parenting difference. If I think he yells too loudly I tell him to stop, he's being scary, he needs to apologize. If I do something he is uncomfortable with (like, suggesting  a bunk bed to a six year old), I respect his 'veto power' even if I don't agree.

[Desert Strawberry]

I am a healthy, outdoorsy, active, creative lady. My dh used to be adventurous, though never as much as me. Over the years, he has become less and less so. Now he goes to work, comes home, and spends quality time with his family and his computer. We never travel. We don't go places together, nothing like that. He's not active in general, procrastinates, etc.

 

We acknowledged a long time ago that I can go places and do things without him and he won't stop me or resent me for going. In return, I will offer, but I won't nag. If he doesn't want to go that's ok. I am much better about this now because I have the kids to keep me company.

 

We agree on the important stuff. Religion, politics, family, marriage. We compromise on the rest.

 

 

[kbutton]

Our differences were pretty tolerable until we started to hit our breaking point all the time (no margin). Most of what we disagree about SHOULD be small and insignificant. We talked extensively before marrying. We had premarital counseling that brought up all kinds of things--when we were asked to fill out questions and bring them to discussions, both of us wrote more on those papers than anyone our pastor had ever seen, and our preferences were highly compatible. We agree on all the big stuff mostly (inlaw stuff can be a bit hairy due to overly optimistic thinking ("this time will be different"). Our personality types suggest that we should have little natural conflict. Parenting one special needs kid, having another that may have some issues too, having inlaws that redefine the very idea of normal, having no family nearby, and having one spouse who works very "special" hours in a high demand job leaves little room for things to not go smoothly. In fact, the job makes it particularly difficult to plan and to make friends because of the hours. No margin makes everything high stakes. It's not possible to put off an argument about something because it's the only time you've had to talk in 36 hours, the person is going back to work 12 hours the next three nights (after having worked day shifts), and the decision has to be made by tomorrow. It really doesn't matter if anyone is in the right frame of mind (or awake enough to form a coherent thought). 

 

Also, one of us learned in our family of origin that it's better to duplicate effort/live with disappointment/go it alone than to try to discuss something and do it together (that side of the family can find a way to drive 5 cars from point a to point b when there are four people going!). That's become a real issue--neither of us want things to be that way, but the result of such an upbringing brings with it a lot of baggage and unlearned skills. Those things don't necessarily come to light from talking, especially if the person for whom it is true has no reason to think other families aren't like that.