Please help me understand abandonment syndrome

[sunnyca]

I am not certain this label applies but I wonder if knowing more might help me in the current situation.  I will deliberately try to be vague but may end up deleting this post later.

 

At age 2, a teen, was left by his mother who moved out of state.    She left him because she said dad would "do a better job" than she could.  However she took the older three children from a previous relationship.  They had up to that point been living with her mother since their dad was/is an addict.  

 

Dad chose not to divorce and left the door open for the sake of the child.  He never dated and has been a single dad for 14 years.  Mom lives from one party to the next and has had a string of relationships.  The older three suffered from neglect, and are now adults who have serious problems.  

 

Unfortunately mom was inconsistent and over the years added insult to injury by failing to keep promises and being erratic in communicating.

 

Fast forward to today.  The boy is severely depressed and became involved with the wrong crowd in school.  His dad recently had to enforce some rules at home and, fueled by the mom,  the boy has responded by turning on his father.   

 

He is living with me now and in counseling.  The counselor is focused on helping his depression but I think depression is just one symptom.  There are other issues I see, but I wonder if maternal abandonment is the key.  Has anyone dealt or seen this played out in a teen's life,  what does it look like? is there a way to help?  

 

We are Christian so prayer is our first tool of defense, but are convinced that God helps us in many ways, including through the wisdom of others.  Thanks for reading  :001_smile:

[JennifersLost]

Abandonment is huge and real. The only good treatment of this I've ever read is actually in a marriage counseling book called Getting the Love You Need. THat author expresses the fact that things that happen to us even in really early times can have a HUGE affect on us. The fact that this child lost both mother and siblings in one shot is big, big, big.

 

Is he seeing a family counselor or a psychiatrist? A family counselor might be more helpful because of their "bigger picture" viewpoint. The upshot is that one of the things the kid will do is test to see if other people will abandon him. In other words, he will act out in ways almost guaranteed to make people abandon him to relive his fear.

 

What he needs from you, from his father and anyone else around who possibly can is stability. That doesn't mean you put up with bad behavior. Absolutely not. But you stand by him and love him as best you can, and reiterate that love as much as you can. His father needs to know that sticking by his rules - even if that means the child has to live elsewhere - in the end is best for everyone. That may sound contradictory, but it isn't. His father needs to have firm rules and expectations expressed through love and consistency. If at all possible, the Dad needs to keep the door open - if not for a return, than for reuniting in a different way.

 

This is a pattern that can repeat through generations if not healed. An abandoned child will abandon their own kids - not meaning to, of course....

 

I hope all of you get the help and support you need and it is terrific that you are there to help. Sometimes families need a little space to come together again more strongly.

[Tmhearn]

I think the fact that someone is getting the boy professional help is the best thing possible. IMO depression can be a genetic issue that is triggered by environmental factors. He needs to learn coping mechanisms that can take him through his life regardless of what is going on.

[Joanne]

It's trauma and trauma changes the brain. The deeper the trauma and the more impressionable the developing brain, the more profound the impact.

 

So, it changes who that person is and becomes.

 

This child is likely to have mental health issues as a result of environment and genetics. I would also suspect substance abuse.

[sunnyca]

Thanks ladies. He is most definitely testing to see if others will leave him.  

 

He is seeing a family counselor but she has not focused on the mother at all.  In fact, the mother was visiting for a short time following a recent crisis and was supposed to be at counseling session but unexpectedly left and called to say goodbye once she was 2 hours away.   :(

 

I do see manipulative behavior, but you all confirmed my guess that this is a result of what happened.    His brothers never lived with him, so as a baby it did not make a difference. Once he understood he had siblings, his questions have been more along the line of:  why did mom take them and not me?   She always promises to take him with her and strings him along; so even though it is good he cannot go, it is sad to hear him talk like this time it will happen.

 

[Ottakee]

I would also see a psychiatrist about the possible need for medication during this period while he works through the issues with the counselor. Mom's issues might (in part) be her self medicating a mental health issue.

 

I would do some research on attachment issues that you see often in foster/adopted kids. Even though he had dad all along, he likely grieved the loss of his mom and feels like he must not have been worth keeping as she kept the others and not him.

[sunnyca]

It's trauma and trauma changes the brain. The deeper the trauma and the more impressionable the developing brain, the more profound the impact.

 

So, it changes who that person is and becomes.

 

This child is likely to have mental health issues as a result of environment and genetics. I would also suspect substance abuse.

 

Is it always as hopeless as this sounds?  In less than two years he will be on his own (by choice, probably) and it is heartbreaking to imagine life if these obstacles cannot be overcome.

 

I would also see a psychiatrist about the possible need for medication during this period while he works through the issues with the counselor. Mom's issues might (in part) be her self medicating a mental health issue.

I would do some research on attachment issues that you see often in foster/adopted kids. Even though he had dad all along, he likely grieved the loss of his mom and feels like he must not have been worth keeping as she kept the others and not him.

He was evaluated by a psychiatrist who determined medicating was not necessary/good idea.  Thanks for the lead into a research topic I would not have thought relevant.  I agree his mom leaving is huge no matter what.

[Ravin]

Where is the dad in all this? They should probably be in counseling together to work on repairing their relationship.

[sunnyca]

Where is the dad in all this? They should probably be in counseling together to work on repairing their relationship.

 

His dad is very concerned about restoring and protecting the relationship. They have had counseling sessions together and hopefully things will begin to mend.  Evidently, it was deceptively good for many years but changed in the last few months following an extended-family crisis and the re-entering of his mom into his life.

 

His dad works full time so we are offering our home as a safe place for the time he would be alone and as an option to him in lieu of running away during a fit of anger.   The question was more for my benefit since I hoped to help more than by offering a room and some meals.   

[DoppeltGemoppelt]

Last week I listened to an episode on NPR about attachment and adoption issues. The story was about a boy who internally blamed his adoptive patents for leaving him in the orphanage until he was seven. He could not emotionally attach to anyone. Fortunately his mom never gave up on him and finally found a therapy that worked.

Here is the story:

http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/317/transcript

 

It was very eye opening for me to listen to. I know that everyone's journey is different, and there is no therapy that heals all, but nevertheless the science behind early attachment in this case sounded very logical.

[Mommyfaithe]

It's trauma and trauma changes the brain. The deeper the trauma and the more impressionable the developing brain, the more profound the impact.

 

So, it changes who that person is and becomes.

 

This child is likely to have mental health issues as a result of environment and genetics. I would also suspect substance abuse.

I was abandoned as a small baby. It has always been part of my fabric. NO, I was NOT lovingly put up for adoption. I was left in a furnished apartment in NYC, with a neighbor and a note. My bio mom was not tracked down for almost 3 years, in which time she had another baby and had already abandoned him! Yes, I have issued...lol! I have problems with attachment, I have problems believing I am worthy of being loved, or believing someone who loves me wont just up and leave. I squish those feeling way down deep, but they are always there deep in the depths of my heart.

 

I have battled teen depression, drug use, crazy-nutto behavior when I was a teen, etc. I have also had a stable marriage, raised 7 kids who are stable and successful in their lives ( well at least 4 of the 7 , the other 3 are still minors). Still, in all that....there it is.....abandonment.

 

It explained to me why, when my mother ( adopted) died, my main reaction, at first, was anger....anger at being abandoned! How could she leave me? Ok, I knew that reaction was wrong, and I knew..in my rational mind WHY, but, there it was!

 

Anyway, I am sharing this because I think abandonment is a deep seated, fabric of the person, type reaction where in teenage-hood...it rears its big giant ugly head!! At that age, there is a chasm between feelings and reality....and acting out in they way of drugs, immoral behavior etc., is a way to break our closest relationships, with those we love the most, so they can not leave us. (If I break away first, you can not hurt me by leaving me.). This may not seem rational, but it is in the mind of young person suffering from the trauma that is buried deep within their psyche.

 

Looking back, my parents were the most patient, loving, non-judgmental people I have ever had the privilege of knowing. I did not know that as a teen or even an adult. They loved me and my brother...both abandoned and damaged, unconditionally. Yes, they had their own shtick, but, they lived us.

 

All a parent can do in this circumstance is love the child...unconditionally.....and get them the help they need. The parent needs to be strong enough to love by setting house rules ( this is where my parents fell short. They allowed free for all which was awful for me. I needed firm boundaries, which were not there, and left me feeling in that abandoned state again.

 

Ok, anyway, This should not be about me, but about teens facing abandonment and dealing with those issues. Just because something happened long before and just because there is one parent still involved , does not negate the deep damage that abandonment creates. Therapy, firm boundaries, tons of unconditional love, I believe, is the formula for successful healing, or at least enough healing to live a good and productive life.

 

Good luck!!! Hugs and prayers for all the family involved in helping this teen make it!!

[Ottakee]

Mommyfaithe said it so well. As an adoptive parent I appreciate hearing things from the child's perspective.

 

We did attachment therapy with one of ours for several years. My one most insecure about things is the one that came to us the youngest.

 

I agree that he needs firm limits from both you guys and his dad balanced with unconditional love. The way it was explained to us was think of a steel box (very firm clear limits) lined with velvet (the caring, unconditional love). Limits make the kids feel secure and even if they balk at them, it makes them feel loved and cared for.

 

One example they gave of when a school decided that less limits on the kids was better so they took down the fence along the perimeter of the playground. They found out the kids then all stayed in the middle of the playground and didn't venture near the edges. The fence went back up and the kids were soon playing along the fenceline---knowing they were safe and they had freedom within those limits.

 

Over time in counseling he will likely need to grieve the loss of his mother and deal with the anger/hurt/worthlessness that comes with that (whatever feelings he might have).

[sunnyca]

Thank you!! All of your comments are extremely helpful. I know every circumstance is different because people are unique but I have been baffled by the counselor's lack of interest in his MIA mom.  To be fair, it may be too soon in counseling and she may be peeling the layers of an onion to eventually get to the core.  

 

Mommyfaithe, thank you especially for sharing your story.  It helps immensely and I will pass some of your comments on to his dad.  He feels like he was hit by a truck he did not see coming.  He recognizes he made mistakes but has no idea why the extreme rejection.  In reading through here, I do not think it is a coincidence that it all blew up when the boy's paternal grandmother died.  She took care of him while his dad worked and did all of the typical mommy things plus volunteered at school, showed up for all performances, cheered at graduations, took pictures of every new development in his life, etc.   Not surprisingly, he identifies the start of his depression the same year she was diagnosed.  Sometimes you have to be hit over the head with the obvious, but I see the puzzle pieces emerging.

 

My role is different because he has no close relationship with me, I think.  I show him love and he follows me around like a two year old, acts completely helpless around me, and likes to talk to me about his feelings.  I tell him I love him without condition so he can be himself here, but we have rules that he cannot violate.  He has been complacent but I think it may be that he is not afraid of losing me.  He knows it is temporary until he goes with his mom --or that's what he hopes.   I am not sure how long he will be here, it is not entirely up to me.  What I am hearing is that once he starts feeling an attachment, he may reject me, too. 

 

I see also that he needs to grieve his grandmother's death, maybe even before he can grieve the loss of his mom who still calls him to feed his negativity :(     

Lots of great stuff to think about here, I appreciate every post! 

 

 

[Laurie4b]

There is a phrase in a Sonlight book called the Great and Terrible Quest that has always stuck with me. "Alas! Alas! For the sorrow of the world!" (Dh tells me that it occurs a lot in Chaim Potok books, too. Anyway, those are the words that came to mind as I read your posts. So sad for the little 2 year old whose mom up and left. So sad for the teen trying to make sense of it. So sad for the faithful dad. I hope he realizes soon what he has in his dad.

[LizzyBee]

I have a good friend and a sister who each have adopted daughters with RAD.  I'm no expert, but I've observed their families and talked at length about their struggles.  It's common for kids to maintain the fantasy that their life will be perfect once they get back to their bio mom and/or dad.  I read something once that I think is relevant in these situations:  All parents love their kids, but some parents, because of their own demons/struggles, are incapable of nurturing and being loving parents.  I think it's important to not put the bio mom down, acknowledge that she loves him, and affirm his love for her, even while being honest about why living with her is not an option and not in his best interest.  My niece ran away to find her bio mom, and it didn't take long for her to find out that her bio mom couldn't even take care of herself, let alone anyone else.  It's a hard lesson to learn and I hope your young friend can eventually come to an understanding that he's better off not living with his mother without going to her and putting himself at risk.

[sunnyca]

Thanks for that insight LizzyBee. Some folks have counseled the dad to let him go and find out for himself that his mom cannot care for him. The interesting thing is that his mom does not really seem to want him until after he is old enough to be on his own.  She told him he will help him get an apartment near her and said she will be at work most of the time so he may not see her much.  He says he cannot trust her, but her solution for depression --party and forget about it-- is appealing to him now.

 

The damage of letting him find out for himself, could be too great for his dad to agree to let him go. It probably will not happen and it does not seem to me that he will run away, but  I could always be wrong.  Either way, I know his need to feel loved is greater than my need to be right, so I do not speak about either parent one way or the other.  He is working with his counselor to mend the relationship with his dad and we encourage as much visiting as possible.  I listen to him speak about his mom without comment but I imagine he thinks I disapprove of her lifestyle simply because mine is different.  I do tell him I feel sorry for her struggles and that I am praying for her; which, I am.

 

He spent time with another family member and I heard that he spoke highly of our home interaction and was eager to get back here.  I am really rooting for him and some days I have more hope than others.  

 

Laurie4b:  Alas, alas, indeed!

[Excelsior! Academy]

It is not hopeless, but a long term struggle.  I have abandonment issues that I refuse to delve into on a public forum.  I will say it is normal for the child and even an adult to have a pull toward the biological parent and siblings.  As an adult you can come to terms that certain things in your life were not ideal, yet they make up who you are.  

 

My family heritage includes native American and we have an old story about this.  I will quickly paraphrase.  There was a young boy who had someone do something very cruel to him.  To the point he was rightfully very angry and hurt.  He went to visit his grandmother.  She was making a dream catcher.  (If you don't know, it is to be placed above a child's bed to catch good dreams and repel bad.)  As she was making the dream catcher her grandson told her of his experience.  She nodded and went on to explain the dream catcher to him. Dream catchers are made with one continuous cord wrapped in a spider-web like fashion around a circular piece of wood.  Each time the grandmother would wrap the string she would tell about something from the grandson's life.  "This knot represents the day you were born," she would say.  "This knot was when you first saw your baby sister," and so on.  Until she got to the last knot.  The dream catcher was intertwined beautifully.  The grandson asked what the last knot represented.  The grandmother told him that knot was the experience with the person that caused him recent pain.  The grandson was confused.  The grandmother took a pair of scissors and snipped out that knot.  Immediately the entire thing fell apart.  The grandmother explained that everything that happened to the grandson made up his life and if one experience, one knot, was missing he wouldn't be who he was.  The knots make us up, make us who we are.  Without them our life's strand would unravel.

 

 

 

[Excelsior! Academy]

I hesitated to post the above story.

 

 

 

We are dealing with these same issues with children we are raising.  It is a daily struggle. One is severely affected.  It is something we have to walk them through daily.  I wish adults would understand that severing ties completely is preferable to unfulfilled promises on a regular basis.  

[Ripley]

I hesitated to post the above story.

 

 

 

I'm glad you posted it.  It was a timely, and gives me a beautiful story to share with a loved one who is struggling right now.

[Happy]

It is not hopeless, but a long term struggle.  I have abandonment issues that I refuse to delve into on a public forum.  I will say it is normal for the child and even an adult to have a pull toward the biological parent and siblings.  As an adult you can come to terms that certain things in your life were not ideal, yet they make up who you are.  

 

My family heritage includes native American and we have an old story about this.  I will quickly paraphrase.  There was a young boy who had someone do something very cruel to him.  To the point he was rightfully very angry and hurt.  He went to visit his grandmother.  She was making a dream catcher.  (If you don't know, it is to be placed above a child's bed to catch good dreams and repel bad.)  As she was making the dream catcher her grandson told her of his experience.  She nodded and went on to explain the dream catcher to him. Dream catchers are made with one continuous cord wrapped in a spider-web like fashion around a circular piece of wood.  Each time the grandmother would wrap the string she would tell about something from the grandson's life.  "This knot represents the day you were born," she would say.  "This knot was when you first saw your baby sister," and so on.  Until she got to the last knot.  The dream catcher was intertwined beautifully.  The grandson asked what the last knot represented.  The grandmother told him that knot was the experience with the person that caused him recent pain.  The grandson was confused.  The grandmother took a pair of scissors and snipped out that knot.  Immediately the entire thing fell apart.  The grandmother explained that everything that happened to the grandson made up his life and if one experience, one knot, was missing he wouldn't be who he was.  The knots make us up, make us who we are.  Without them our life's strand would unravel.

 

Thank you for sharing this story. I have a grown son who has worked through quite a few abandonment issues. This is a story I'll past along to him. For today, though, I needed it. Life has been chaotic in the past couple of years--it's important for me to remember all of our life is interconnected.