Explaining transgender to younger child?

[Alice]

I think you handled it well with your daughter. In general, with my kids and tough topics I’ve tried to answer truthfully but with as little information as I think is age-appropriate. I’ve found that often my own thinking is ten steps down the line and I’m wondering if the conversation is going to lead to things I’m not ready to discuss with them but often they just want information and are satisfied pretty quickly. 

 

As for the religious aspect, we’re a fairly conservative Christian family. Someone very close to us came out this summer as transgendered. It wasn’t a shock in some ways but it was in others. I’ve appreciated that the person has been sensitive to us in that he understands when we use the “wrong†pronoun. He has asked us to call him by a different name (one that is actually androgynous and he has been using for years as a nickname) but when we slip and use the old feminine name he answers. My husband’s response to this family member when he told dh was “Well, as your _______, our job is to love you. Thanks for telling me and I love you.†

 

I do think it’s possible to have your own thoughts about sexuality that are dependent on religious faith and to at the same time be non-judgemental and loving towards those who don’t have the same faith. If A. asked me how I felt about the transition I’d be honest. I’d say that it’s confusing and difficult to change the way I think of him after knowing him for as long as I’ve known dh (16 years). For goodness sake, he was a flower girl in our wedding. :) But I’d also say that I love him. It’s a difficult line to walk but one that I think we should try to model for our kids. 

[justasque]

 

Mark 10:6 "But at the beginning of creation God made them male and female..."

 

Genesis 5:2 "He created them male and female and blessed them..."

 

That's "a good way to explain it", in fact, the original and best way.

 

HappyGrace, while male and female are two useful general categories, there are some genetic conditions which make this less black-and-white for some individuals.  To be kind to others, and I think it's important to be kind, it's wise to be aware that for some people, it's biologically more complex.  You may want to read the wikipedia article on intersex people as a start.  I'm sure you didn't mean to be hurtful with your post, but for readers who have friends or family members who have medical issues that make male vs. female a more difficult question, it can, indeed, be hurtful to take a more simplistic view and not acknowledge/include these people's God-given physical conditions.

[Ipsey]

I hope this isn't too off the track, as it's for older children, but I think the story of Caster Semenya is still relevant, and might be an interesting thought piece.

 

Her gender verification tests still haven't been released due to privacy concerns, but she's still not always allowed to compete because of the questions as to her chemical/hormonal/whatever make-up.

 

So, here, we have another example. She's always believed herself to be female, but some of the very basic standards for trying to determine a binary male/female are in question here.

 

In fact, it has made the entire world sporting community have to consider the binary and how they'll decide who is "really" female and "really" male for competition purposes. 

 

Not as easy as "created male and female" for Caster Semenya, of course, and not for thousands of others. 

 

 

[justasque]

Spam reported.  (And removed by mods - Thanks for all the hard work you mods do!!!)

 

[LucyStoner]

NicAnn, I don't know if your thread wrecking comments are directed at me or not. I can't help but think that they might be. While I certainly don't want to derail this thread, this is obviously a topic of some importance to me. It's not an abstract idea or talk show or how to have difficult conversations with kids fodder in my family.

 

Honestly, I struggled to understand and accept my brother at first. We grew up together two rough and tumble tomboys sharing everything from shoes to baseball bats to a bed. I knew he was, like me, attracted to males and I didn't get it. If anything, my gender expressions were more masculine as a child and teen than his. I thought "what's the big deal? Just live as a butch/tomboyish straight girl like me. It will be easier. It will be safer." In time though I realized exactly what the big deal was and why it wasn't viable for him to not transition. He became legally male about 14 years ago. 16 years ago had you told me he'd be not only alive but married and raising two daughters as a SAHD and PTA board member I would have thought you were off your rocker and way too optimistic. But here he is and his daughters are adorable and smart and growing up side by side with their cousins, my sons. I am a big believer in what works. This worked, the alternatives would not have. I know because I saw him fail time and time again in trying to not be who he was.

 

As a feminist I had long accepted gender as a social construct before my brother transitioned. It was my brother's transition that made me shift my thinking a bit. This isn't something he was socialized to do or be. It isn't something he wanted. It was with him from the start. That's when I realized that gender expression and roles may be shaped by culture but that gender is certainly guided to a degree by something in our nature, that we can't control. I may be a pretty mixed bag of gender expressions but I know that when it comes done to it I am a woman and feel like that through and through. My brother and I have a lot in common but he's not a woman and couldn't reconcile himself to being one. It would be interesting to delve into our genes. Maybe there is a reason there. Maybe not. But in the end, all the reason I need for this to be right is knowing that while not perfect, he is safer, saner, more productive and happier than he would be had he not been able to transition.

[Catwoman]

NicAnn, I don't know if your thread wrecking comments are directed at me or not. I can't help but think that they might be. While I certainly don't want to derail this thread, this is obviously a topic of some importance to me. It's not an abstract idea or talk show or how to have difficult conversations with kids fodder in my family.

 

Honestly, I struggled to understand and accept my brother at first. We grew up together two rough and tumble tomboys sharing everything from shoes to baseball bats to a bed. I knew he was, like me, attracted to males and I didn't get it. If anything, my gender expressions were more masculine as a child and teen than his. I thought "what's the big deal? Just live as a butch/tomboyish straight girl like me. It will be easier. It will be safer." In time though I realized exactly what the big deal was and why it wasn't viable for him to not transition. He became legally male about 14 years ago. 16 years ago had you told me he'd be not only alive but married and raising two daughters as a SAHD and PTA board member I would have thought you were off your rocker and way too optimistic. But here he is and his daughters are adorable and smart and growing up side by side with their cousins, my sons. I am a big believer in what works. This worked, the alternatives would not have. I know because I saw him fail time and time again in trying to not be who he was.

 

As a feminist I had long accepted gender as a social construct before my brother transitioned. It was my brother's transition that made me shift my thinking a bit. This isn't something he was socialized to do or be. It isn't something he wanted. It was with him from the start. That's when I realized that gender expression and roles may be shaped by culture but that gender is certainly guided to a degree by something in our nature, that we can't control. I may be a pretty mixed bag of gender expressions but I know that when it comes done to it I am a woman and feel like that through and through. My brother and I have a lot in common but he's not a woman and couldn't reconcile himself to being one. It would be interesting to delve into our genes. Maybe there is a reason there. Maybe not. But in the end, all the reason I need for this to be right is knowing that while not perfect, he is safer, saner, more productive and happier than he would be had he not been able to transition.

Beautifully stated, Katie. :)

 

Your brother is very lucky to have to have you as his sister.

[NicAnn]

Katie/lucystoner- pm sent. :)

[TXBeth]

I do believe that most TG people have what I would call a "disorder." The problem is that their identity, who they feel themselves to be, does not match their genitalia. What I don't understand is why some people insist that in this situation it must be the inner identity that is "wrong" and these people should somehow force their minds to conform to the gender reflected in their genitalia. To me, it makes so much more sense in most cases to fix the part that is actually fixable by transforming the genitalia and hormones to match the identity.

I do think there are some exceptions. My cousin, for example, is transgender female to male. I think she is transgendered not because she was truly a boy born in a girl's body, but because her parents royally screwed her up psychologically. In her case, and maybe others like her, I think counseling would have been much more beneficial to her than surgery/hormone therapy and eventually resulted in a much healthier, happier person. But I think he is in the minority. And even though I think he made an unfortunate choice, I honor the fact that he now chooses to be a man, I call him by his preferred name, etc.

[awisha.]

Some people have this disease where they think they are really a different gender. A man might think he is really woman, and a woman might think she is really a man. Some people think that is normal, but it really isn't, because G-d created man and He created woman, and He knew what He was doing just fine.

Some people have this disease where they think that their opinion is the most important and correct and don't you dare try telling them otherwise. A man might think being a homophobe is the best thing ever and a woman might think being racist is the best thing ever. Some people think this is normal, but it really isn't, because it doesn't matter what you are like on the outside, it's the inside of you that's important.

[Spryte]

NicAnn, I don't know if your thread wrecking comments are directed at me or not. I can't help but think that they might be. While I certainly don't want to derail this thread, this is obviously a topic of some importance to me. It's not an abstract idea or talk show or how to have difficult conversations with kids fodder in my family.

 

Honestly, I struggled to understand and accept my brother at first. We grew up together two rough and tumble tomboys sharing everything from shoes to baseball bats to a bed. I knew he was, like me, attracted to males and I didn't get it. If anything, my gender expressions were more masculine as a child and teen than his. I thought "what's the big deal? Just live as a butch/tomboyish straight girl like me. It will be easier. It will be safer." In time though I realized exactly what the big deal was and why it wasn't viable for him to not transition. He became legally male about 14 years ago. 16 years ago had you told me he'd be not only alive but married and raising two daughters as a SAHD and PTA board member I would have thought you were off your rocker and way too optimistic. But here he is and his daughters are adorable and smart and growing up side by side with their cousins, my sons. I am a big believer in what works. This worked, the alternatives would not have. I know because I saw him fail time and time again in trying to not be who he was.

 

As a feminist I had long accepted gender as a social construct before my brother transitioned. It was my brother's transition that made me shift my thinking a bit. This isn't something he was socialized to do or be. It isn't something he wanted. It was with him from the start. That's when I realized that gender expression and roles may be shaped by culture but that gender is certainly guided to a degree by something in our nature, that we can't control. I may be a pretty mixed bag of gender expressions but I know that when it comes done to it I am a woman and feel like that through and through. My brother and I have a lot in common but he's not a woman and couldn't reconcile himself to being one. It would be interesting to delve into our genes. Maybe there is a reason there. Maybe not. But in the end, all the reason I need for this to be right is knowing that while not perfect, he is safer, saner, more productive and happier than he would be had he not been able to transition.

Excellent post!

[ficbot]

Another context for this---I read a very interesting book called NurtureShock which was all about research involving how children learn. They talk about what happens when children start asking questions about race. The children will notice that somebody they know has a different skin colour and ask their parents why. The parents freak out because OMG Racism, and hedge the answer, and so the kids get the uneasy impression that this is a bad or shameful thing to talk about. But actually the children themselves had no inherent judgements about it. It was just a fact in front of them that so and so looks like this and hey look like they do. They don't pick up any message about it until you give them one.

 

This is the same thing. They will follow your lead.

[Paige]

I am a Christian and believe God doesn't make mistakes. I believe he made humans male and female. On the other hand, I believe he made people who are intersex, he made people who are homosexual, and he made people who are transgendered, and he called his creation- people- very good. Who am I to judge Him?

 

For NicAnn, and the others struggling with this, I think it helps me, and I explain to my children, that there is no reason to believe that male and female does not mean everything in between as well. Say I cut some strips of paper. I could say I cut them "tall and short." Does that mean I did not make any medium sized ones? No. The logic of "and" does not exclude things in the middle. The Bible does not say he made them male or female. See the difference? I think a phrasing with or would exclude anything in the middle, but the Bible does not say or. And besides that, the Bible is specifically referencing Adam and Eve there, not everyone else He will ever make throughout history.

[LucyStoner]

Paige, thank you for your post. It's a powerful message.