What would you think if someone said this to your DH?

[gardenmom5]

I hate to sound rude, but why don't you want to hug your mom?  Are you just not a hugger?  Could you make an exception for your mom?  She obviously wants to hug you.  Is it that big of a deal?

 

 

What am I missing?  This just all seems so overly dramatic over a hug,  

 

 

All I have to go on is this thread.  I haven't read any of her threads.  I read that she has a strained relationship with her mother, but I don't see where she said abusive.  My answer would have been different had she said it was abusive.  If it was just a strained relationship and the mom made some exaggerated gesture to hug her, I would say the mom was trying to lighten the mood to hug her daughter, then got upset when she didn't.  If I were her mother, I would want to find out why she doesn't want to hug her.  

.

 

Honestly, I feel like a couple of you are just jumping to conclusions.  It's hard to share an opinion on this forum without someone jumping down your throat.  I don't like how people automatically assume something sinister.  I'm looking at it from the perspective of possibly healing this relationship, while some of you are looking at it from the perspective of what she has the "right" to do and not do.  I kinda felt for the mom.  It must be embarrassing to try to hug your daughter and constantly be rejected, even in front of others.  Her behavior suggests that she was embarrassed and covering the embarrassment with anger.  However, maybe OP isn't interested in healing it.  I would have suggested they sit down and have a long talk about this.  Most of you want her to turn it even more awkward with public meetings and harsh responses instead of loving ones.  Each to their own, I guess.

those are your words. 

all any of us went by was this thread, which you imply you've read.  I question whether you understood.  we saw flags of manipulation of extorting "a hug"  and physical shoving by her mother. you apparently didn't see those as anything but "an embarrassed mom" and putting it upon the OP as not wanting to have a healthy relationship with her mother.  

you've also continued to censure other posters (myself included, but certainly not alone)  "to turn it even more awkward with public meetings and harsh responses instead of loving ones". 

[unfrumpable.]

I'd like to note that victims of abuse normally do seek counseling. From what I've read, it's a huge part of healing.

[gardenmom5]

You have reiterated that you feel abuse victims are emotionally unhealthy.  You are so wrong.  Many abusers are good at manipulating.  Please stop saying such hurtful things.  I'm not the only abuse victim on here that you are offending.  You are obviously not someone who should speak on this subject, and it seems as if your ego is preventing you from seeing that.  I had reason for mentioning age, but decided not to go into that with you, and forgot to delete that.    

 

I did not tell her to suck it up and ignore abuse.  You are being very manipulative and you need to stop.

abuse victims who do not see warning flags of abuse in their own or other's relationship's - especially after it is pointed out to them - are emotionally unhealthy/in-denial, no matter how "healthy" they think they are.  part of getting healthy is learning what flags look like so they can be seen ahead of time, and be avoided, and how to healthfully deal with those than can't be avoided.  (eg: establishing hard boundaries with those who don't recognize boundaries.)

 

you told her "

 

I hope to sound rude, but why don't you want to hug your mom?  Are you just not a hugger?  Could you make an exception for your mom?  She obviously wants to hug you.  Is it that big of a deal?

"  

you subsequently claimed it was because she didn't use the term "abuse", and if she had you would have given another answer.  even then, you said you felt sorry for the mother.

 

you are in denial about flags of someone else's experiences.   the OP has said

 

  .  I was raised with this crap.  I'm just discovering how thick the crap is.

   

[Guest submarines]

You have reiterated that you feel abuse victims are emotionally unhealthy.  You are so wrong.  Many abusers are good at manipulating.  Please stop saying such hurtful things.  I'm not the only abuse victim on here that you are offending.  You are obviously not someone who should speak on this subject, and it seems as if your ego is preventing you from seeing that.  I had reason for mentioning age, but decided not to go into that with you, and forgot to delete that.    

 

I did not tell her to suck it up and ignore abuse.  You are being very manipulative and you need to stop.

Hugs. I'm sorry you're hurting. Haven't followed the thread closely, but your post jumped at me. I think you are equating "emotionally unhealthy" with "mentally ill." Abuse victims may or may not be mentally ill, just like any one else.

 

But being emotionally unhealthy is probably the defining part of an abuse victim. This fact doesn't negate at all that many abusers are charming and manipulating.

[MusicMama]

I would just step out of the way to watch my Dh rip them a new one.  He treats me with the upmost respect and equality, and expects other people to do so as well   

[Guest]

.

 

those are your words. 

all any of us went by was this thread, which you imply you've read.  I question whether you understood.  we saw flags of manipulation of extorting "a hug"  and physical shoving by her mother. you apparently didn't see those as anything but "an embarrassed mom" and putting it upon the OP as not wanting to have a healthy relationship with her mother.  

you've also continued to censure other posters (myself included, but certainly not alone)  "to turn it even more awkward with public meetings and harsh responses instead of loving ones". 

 

I actually didn't say she was being overly dramatic over a simple hug.  That was in reference to someone else's posts about public meetings.  Maybe you should actually read what I wrote in the context it was written.  The mom wasn't the one doing the shoving.

 

As far as the mentally unhealthy idea you have about abuse victims, I encourage you to do some research.  

[Guest]

Hugs. I'm sorry you're hurting. Haven't followed the thread closely, but your post jumped at me. I think you are equating "emotionally unhealthy" with "mentally ill." Abuse victims may or may not be mentally ill, just like any one else.

 

But being emotionally unhealthy is probably the defining part of an abuse victim. This fact doesn't negate at all that many abusers are charming and manipulating.

 

My point is that they can and do trick many people, including their victims.  If they weren't so manipulative, they wouldn't be able to fool everyone.  I heard many instances where everyone was shocked to hear so and so was abusing his wife.  I would think it silly that everyone they fooled is emotionally unhealthy.

[Guest submarines]

My point is that they can and do trick many people, including their victims.  If they weren't so manipulative, they wouldn't be able to fool everyone.  I heard many instances where everyone was shocked to hear so and so was abusing his wife.  I would think it silly that everyone they fooled is emotionally unhealthy.

Being fooled once is one thing. Being fooled twice might still be a sign of resilience or extending good will. Being fooled more than that indicates some level of poor emotional health.

[bolt.]

Am I the only person who actually thinks that *most* people are at least somewhat emotionally unhealthy, and that all of us would probably negotiate our lives and relationships better if we had a reliable counselor in our back pockets? Honestly, I don't think it's something to be insulted by... yet so many people have profound negative reactions to the idea that their emotional health could get better, that there is room for improvement, and that improvement might make them happier Why is that? Why resent a wish for your happiness? Do any of you actually *want* to stick with the exact level emotional health that you currently have? Not me! If you catch me in 5 years emotionally the way I am now... kick me. Really.

 

So, yeah, people who willingly enter abusive relationships tend to be emotionally unhealthy -- like the rest of us, each in our own ways -- yet unlucky enough to have been taken advantage of for it (perhaps in relation to their particular ways of being unhealthy). They are free to digest that fact and learn good things and grow from their experiences... or, I suppose they could stick with their previous levels of health for all their remaining decades. (Doesn't that seem like a bit of a waste though?)

[Guest]

Being fooled once is one thing. Being fooled twice might still be a sign of resilience or extending good will. Being fooled more than that indicates some level of poor emotional health.

 

Agree.  I never said I was fooled more than once, though, so I'm not sure what she means by that.

 

I know that when you are in an abusive relationship, you can be mentally unhealthy due to the abuse.  That doesn't mean you were that way before the abuse.

[Guest]

Am I the only person who actually thinks that *most* people are at least somewhat emotionally unhealthy, and that all of us would probably negotiate our lives and relationships better if we had a reliable counselor in our back pockets? Honestly, I don't think it's something to be insulted by... yet so many people have profound negative reactions to the idea that their emotional health could get better, that there is room for improvement, and that improvement might make them happier Why is that? Why resent a wish for your happiness? Do any of you actually *want* to stick with the exact level emotional health that you currently have? Not me! If you catch me in 5 years emotionally the way I am now... kick me. Really.

 

So, yeah, people who willingly enter abusive relationships tend to be emotionally unhealthy -- like the rest of us, each in our own ways -- yet unlucky enough to have been taken advantage of for it (perhaps in relation to their particular ways of being unhealthy). They are free to digest that fact and learn good things and grow from their experiences... or, I suppose they could stick with their previous levels of health for all their remaining decades. (Doesn't that seem like a bit of a waste though?)

 

Who willingly entered an abusive relationship?  I did not.  Some people do, I'm sure, but I'm not talking about someone who does.

[Firefly]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Momoflaw.  It's so hard to make a break from family.  :(

[gardenmom5]

they don't fool everyone. and they certainly don't repeatedly fool everyone all the time.

[8circles]

Am I the only person who actually thinks that *most* people are at least somewhat emotionally unhealthy, and that all of us would probably negotiate our lives and relationships better if we had a reliable counselor in our back pockets? Honestly, I don't think it's something to be insulted by... yet so many people have profound negative reactions to the idea that their emotional health could get better, that there is room for improvement, and that improvement might make them happier Why is that? Why resent a wish for your happiness? Do any of you actually *want* to stick with the exact level emotional health that you currently have? Not me! If you catch me in 5 years emotionally the way I am now... kick me. Really.

 

So, yeah, people who willingly enter abusive relationships tend to be emotionally unhealthy -- like the rest of us, each in our own ways -- yet unlucky enough to have been taken advantage of for it (perhaps in relation to their particular ways of being unhealthy). They are free to digest that fact and learn good things and grow from their experiences... or, I suppose they could stick with their previous levels of health for all their remaining decades. (Doesn't that seem like a bit of a waste though?)

I agree with you.  I can only answer your first question from my experience.  I have not appreciated suggestion IRL that I see a counselor because it has only come from my mentally ill sister to deflect her issues onto me.  I have wanted to see someone for years but didn't know just how important it would be for me & it wasn't easily worked-out logistically.  So I put it off. Recently DH & I sat down with a family counselor for a basically unrelated issue (I say basically because of course it is all related to some degree) and it didn't take him long to suggest that I talk to him alone to work on this stuff.  That can't start until Sept when I have reliable & regular childcare but I'm looking forward to it.  I suspect, though, that one reason that people don't want to see a counselor is that it is scary.  As much as I know I need it, you're darn right I'm scared.  It's uncomfortable - REALLY uncomfortable.  It's painful, it's heartwrenching.  It just plain sucks to go through the pain which you have to do to get to the other side.  A large part of me just wants to run away or pretend this isn't happening. 

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Momoflaw.  It's so hard to make a break from family.  :(

Thank you so much.

[Cinder]

:spam:  reported

[Guest submarines]

:spam:  reported

Do you mean the post where the poster said that she'd seek out that person's wife and give her a hug? I might be dense, but I don't see any problem with the above, other than the typo.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Do you mean the post where the poster said that she'd seek out that person's wife and give her a hug? I might be dense, but I don't see any problem with the above, other than the typo.

It is a spam bot which lifted someone else's comment from above in the thread and put it with emoticons that I think (I have purposefully not tried) will link you to places you don't want to go (either advertising or p*rn).  

[Guest submarines]

It is a spam bot which lifted someone else's comment from above in the thread and put it with emoticons that I think (I have purposefully not tried) will link you to places you don't want to go (either advertising or p*rn).

Hooray for vigilant boardies, then! :-) Thank you for explaining this to me. (It won't let me post real smilies anymore.)

[bolt.]

Who willingly entered an abusive relationship?  I did not.  Some people do, I'm sure, but I'm not talking about someone who does.

 

I'm sorry you did not willingly enter the abusive relationship you have been referring to -- that must have added to your difficulties in significant ways.

 

I must be getting mixed up somehow, so I think I'd better be done commenting on things i don't understand. I definitely don't understand why you are so strident objecting to the idea that random internet people have expressed the general desire to see you emotionally healthier and happier after your recovery from abuse than you were before. I thought it might be a misunderstanding, as if you were being insulted, but since you are clearly understanding the comments, and your responses are coherent, I really don't get where you are coming from.

[awisha.]

WOW. You are saying I'm emotionally unhealthy because I was with an abusive man. I wasn't the problem, as you suggest. How absolutely ridiculous. I need counseling because I was with someone abusive? You are so much more experienced... lol. You lost all credibility. Your post, in itself, is very manipulative and condescending. You obviously don't know much about abuse and surely don't know how to talk to a victim of abuse. WOW.

 

ETA: I just can't get over this. I need to learn how to be emotionally healthy enough to not ever do that again? I have an emotional problem and went out seeking abuse??? I'm honestly stunned.

:lol:

[Guest]

:lol:

:rolleyes:

[awisha.]

:rolleyes:

 

:banghead:

[Guest]

:banghead:

 

Are you okay there, buddy?  Feeling emotionally unhealthy right now?

[MomatHWTK]

Momoflaw, I found that when I talked to someone about issues that I had tried to ignore or felt I was overreacting to- she very quickly let me know that my reactions were actually sub-normal (my words not hers).  I was not setting enough boundries to protect myself as the person I am.  Instead, I was telling myself that everyone else can handle X, therefore I have to be able to handle X too. 

 

So now, I look at who I really am, my real physical, mental and emotional limitaitons and set my boundries accordingly.  It's ok to be a little broken, we can't all be perfect all the time and I was trying to be. 

 

Now I have a script in my mind prepared for the next time a particularly emotionally manipulative person has a go at me.  I am going to tell her that I have important people in my life that I am responsible for and I don't have the time or emotional energy to waste on trying to jump through her hoops so she needs to just give it up.  :closedeyes:   I have also started being far more direct with the people I care about when what they are doing is dragging me down.  No more taking one for the team.

 

Honestly, until you are ready, you don't even have to talk about specific instances.  A good therapist, IMO, can help you deal with today while waiting until you are ready to talk about yesterday.  Though, you will probably find that it is a relief to tell someone "I can't believe she did this" and have them agree with you. 

[8circles]

Momoflaw, I found that when I talked to someone about issues that I had tried to ignore or felt I was overreacting to- she very quickly let me know that my reactions were actually sub-normal (my words not hers).  I was not setting enough boundries to protect myself as the person I am.  Instead, I was telling myself that everyone else can handle X, therefore I have to be able to handle X too. 

 

So now, I look at who I really am, my real physical, mental and emotional limitaitons and set my boundries accordingly.  It's ok to be a little broken, we can't all be perfect all the time and I was trying to be. 

 

Now I have a script in my mind prepared for the next time a particularly emotionally manipulative person has a go at me.  I am going to tell her that I have important people in my life that I am responsible for and I don't have the time or emotional energy to waste on trying to jump through her hoops so she needs to just give it up.  :closedeyes:   I have also started being far more direct with the people I care about when what they are doing is dragging me down.  No more taking one for the team.

 

Honestly, until you are ready, you don't even have to talk about specific instances.  A good therapist, IMO, can help you deal with today while waiting until you are ready to talk about yesterday.  Though, you will probably find that it is a relief to tell someone "I can't believe she did this" and have them agree with you. 

 

Thank you.  This is helpful.

 

[SweetMissMagnolia]

oh my!!! I would really have to bite my tongue....

[Hot Lava Mama]

I would whisper to said person, "You know, I can hear you!"  Then give him/her a wink and walk off with your head high.  To h#ll with them!

 

Hot Lava Mama

[CyndiLJ]

I had almost those exact words said to be by my 100% typical Chicago Italian father-in-law while in my own home during the second year of our marriage (now 27 years).

 

My husband looked at me, looked at his dad, then said"

 

"I think you need to leave now, and you are not welcome in our home again if you can't treat my wife with the respect she deserves."

 

Then he escorted his sputtering father to the door.

 

Is there any wonder we are still married?  :001_rolleyes: