Janie Grace Posted June 16, 2013 Share Posted June 16, 2013 Okay, so I just read "Far From the Tree" (I think someone here recommended it but I can't remember) -- a fascinating book about kids who are different from their parents in some way (dwarfism, schizophrenia, deafness, transexuals, etc). Just to say, I could be reading this situation somewhat through that lens. I am asking here because I want perspective. My ds3 has made the following comments to me: he wishes he had brea$ts, he wishes he had long hair, he wishes he could wear a skirt, he wishes he wore underwear like "that" (I was wearing a lacy pair). I haven't had a son make comments like this before (he's my fourth son) and so I'm wondering what to make of it. He plays in a very "gender typical" way... cars, trains, likes to be physical, isn't asking for girly dress-ups or Barbies to play with. (I say this because in the book I mentioned, they talk about trans kids being extreme in their play -- ie, boys ONLY wanting to play with Barbies, wearing ONLY pink, completely rejecting pants for skirts, disliking rough-housing, etc.) This child is very attached to me, so I'm wondering if it's an "identifying with mommy" thing. Perhaps this is just how he communicates appreciation of certain things about me (saying "I want that" instead of "I like that"). But I don't know... his comments have gotten frequent enough that my 14yo dd is raising her eyebrows at me and saying (when he can't hear), "MOM, what in the world?" This is not a "would you freak out if your kid was gay/trans/whatever" thread. Please don't bash me for asking this. I'm just wondering if anyone has had a son make comments like this and what came of it. Thoughts? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted June 16, 2013 Share Posted June 16, 2013 Maybe . . . but lots of little boys like "girly" things at age 3 and then grow out of it. I would keep an open mind for now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NicAnn Posted June 16, 2013 Share Posted June 16, 2013 I found that to be really common with boys that age. I imagine it has a lot to do with mom being the primary caregiver. Also woman are more free with their bodies and clothes (men typically are covered in basic clothing), so they see or notice it more. I'd be surprised if he didn't stop around age 4. That's when kids start to identity with their own gender more...if I recall correctly from child development class. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagle Posted June 16, 2013 Share Posted June 16, 2013 At 3 my son was under the impression that people alternated gender. Our neighbour was 10 at the time and since she is a girl he assumed that when he became 10 he would be a girl too. It was quite logical the way he had it all figured out. He was pretty crushed when he was told he would never be a girl. "Not when I'm 10?" No. "Not when I'm 100?†No. "Not when I'm a million?" It turned out he just really liked the girl and wanted to be like her. But he moved on and made new friends and doesn't bring things like that up anymore. Perhaps your son just wants to be like you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted June 16, 2013 Author Share Posted June 16, 2013 At 3 my son was under the impression that people alternated gender. Our neighbour was 10 at the time and since she is a girl he assumed that when he became 10 he would be a girl too. It was quite logical the way he had it all figured out. He was pretty crushed when he was told he would never be a girl. "Not when I'm 10?" No. "Not when I'm 100?†No. "Not when I'm a million?" It turned out he just really liked the girl and wanted to be like her. But he moved on and made new friends and doesn't bring things like that up anymore. Perhaps your son just wants to be like you. Hmmm, that's interesting... the idea that there's a stage where kids are sort of figuring out how gender works. The other day a somewhat masculine woman was over. Not "butch" exactly, but just not the most feminine. This same son asked, "why is she a lady like that?" It was in front of her, of course (argh!) ... thankfully, it was a pretty vague question, but I understood what he was asking. He was processing that she was a woman, but a different kind of woman than I am. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RemsMom Posted June 16, 2013 Share Posted June 16, 2013 Well, if you think about, we mommies have the better stuff! Our lotions and soaps smell pretty. Our clothing is silky and in lovely colors and bright patterns. Also, if mom is at home caring for the children all day then small children tend to relate more to mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NicAnn Posted June 16, 2013 Share Posted June 16, 2013 At 3 my son was under the impression that people alternated gender. Our neighbour was 10 at the time and since she is a girl he assumed that when he became 10 he would be a girl too. It was quite logical the way he had it all figured out. He was pretty crushed when he was told he would never be a girl. "Not when I'm 10?" No. "Not when I'm 100?†No. "Not when I'm a million?" It turned out he just really liked the girl and wanted to be like her. But he moved on and made new friends and doesn't bring things like that up anymore. Perhaps your son just wants to be like you. So true! They often also think that people age backward past a certain age. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine Posted June 16, 2013 Share Posted June 16, 2013 Some preschool boys definitely go through a "feminine identifying"phase. One of my three did. I don't know what accounts for it and I don't know if some boys continue even more strongly in that vein. But I have read that children who eventually change gender identities don't begin to move beyond this as they become school-age children, that the strong identification with the opposite gender becomes even stronger. According to what I read, the preschool phase is very common. My ds left this behind when he got beyond the age of 5. Though he once played an outrageously provocative woman in a summer camp play. LOL! If it weren't for all the hair, he'd make an attractive woman haha. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momto10blessings Posted June 16, 2013 Share Posted June 16, 2013 Boys are so curious, I have 6 and that sounds like a normal 3 yr old to me Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted June 16, 2013 Share Posted June 16, 2013 he's 3. at this age, kids want to be like the adult they spend the most time with, or older siblings. when 1ds was three, he wanted clips in his hair and for it to be long enough to curl like his big sisters. the girls did have fun playing with his hair. he's very much a male. dudeling used to nurse his stuffed kitties. (he even got out one of the girls babydolls and wanted to take care of it.) I have a friend whose 3dd really wanted to be a triplet to her twin older sisters. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted June 16, 2013 Share Posted June 16, 2013 I think it is common for little boys. It's unlikely to mean anything long term at that age. I know a lot of straight gender normative boys who as little kids, when not in a repressive environment, played princess and wore tutus and wanted their nails painted. I have a sibling who is trans (FTM) and he fluctuated between gender expressions as a child, sometimes trying very hard to be hyper feminine as a way to hide the fact he was trans. So I don't necessarily agree that trans kids are only going to express gender traits opposite of what is expected for their sex. If being super boyish as a girl was a sign of being trans, people would have assumed I was trans. I was a way more extreme tomboy than my trans brother. Being trans doesn't necessarily mean being extremely to one end of the gender spectrum. And exhibiting a lot of traits and choices atypical for your gender (as determined by your culture) does not mean you are trans. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted June 16, 2013 Share Posted June 16, 2013 I wouldn't make any assumptions with a child that young. My mom's sister's son was the only male among my siblings and cousins until he was about 10. We used to paint his toenails and all sorts of things. He grew up to be a little metro, but with no gender issues or anything like that. If there are issues down the road, make sure he knows you love and support him no matter what. But, there is no sense borrowing trouble. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheres Toto Posted June 16, 2013 Share Posted June 16, 2013 At that age, my son very strongly wanted to be a mommy. He used to talk about having a baby in his belly and giving birth, all the time. He was pretty upset when MIL explained to him that he would never be able to be a mommy, he's have to be a daddy. He hasn't brought that up in a long time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Wife Posted June 16, 2013 Share Posted June 16, 2013 One of my brothers was like that as a preschooler, and while he grew up to be totally straight (a bit of a ladies' man if anything), he is rather fussy about clothing and his hair. He used to have more hair and grooming products in our joint bathroom cabinet than I did (probably still does). For a while, he'd be the one spending big bucks to have his hair cut and colored at a fashionable salon while I was going to Supercuts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted June 16, 2013 Share Posted June 16, 2013 This seems well within the "norm" for a child this age. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexigail Posted June 16, 2013 Share Posted June 16, 2013 This is really common. My brother, nephew and son all went through it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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