Mom vent

[Remudamom]

My mom is the greatest. But now she's married someone none of us like. All she can do is live, breathe, feed, worry about him. She micro manages his every move. It drives all of us nuts and none of us like to be around them. If I'm talking to her on the phone and he walks into the room she immediately starts in with "your coffee is on the table, take your pills, give the puppy a treat, sit over here..." I might as well hang up she's so busy telling him what to do.

 

Grandkids won't go over. No one wants to stay there when we visit. I understand that mom was lonely but she's traded off five kids and sixteen grandkids for this guy. It's just..........ugh.

 

We were at the beach and she had the choice of visiting some of his friends from college that she'd never met and eating with family she sees once a year. Guess what?

 

I'm close to fed up.

[NotSoObvious]

Is it a new marriage? Is there a chance it will balance out after another year?

[Remudamom]

They've been married about three years.

 

She stood by as he blasted me, my sister and a niece for laughing too loudly. I was staying at their house and I should have walked out immediately. The next morning I said something about it to her and to give him credit he has tried since then to be very polite.

 

She did this with her second husband too. (he died). It was "Don't drink that milk, M will want it." to her grandkids. Now it's "Be sure you speak to S. He thinks no one likes him." Duh. So now if we do go over we have to make sure that S isn't offended by our not falling all over him.

[Tita Gidge]

My sister's MIL is like that. She borders on martyrdom, but sincerely she just needs to be needed ... once her first husband died, kids grew up, grandkids aged into independence, that need just wasn't filled any more (through them). They need her in one sense (presence) but she needs to be needed in a more direct way. She can't differentiate between the various ways we need people in our lives, and it's unfortunate for the relationships she unwittingly pushes to the side in favor of those she sees as fulfilling her need to be (directly) needed.

 

She could have gotten a puppy dog, but instead she got a second husband. He was (is) all about being taken cared for. He's a nice guy, but not a nice husband in that he takes advantage of her need to be needed. In this way, they are both opportunists but hey - it works for them. She's a caretaker, she needs to be taking care of people. That was the basis of her first marriage, her parenting years, and that's what she knows and where she feels comfortable. I'd guess she's insecure in her relationships otherwise, if she doesn't feel she's directly taking care of someone -- and that's hard if it's such a central part of her identity.

 

Still, I know for my BIL it stings like hell when she pulls stunts like your Mom just did. It's like he's being punished (by her) for not needing her to baby him or bail him out of things. At least he knows at this point he realizes this is about her need to be needed, and not because she's not interested in him (though it can feel that way).

 

Sorry for both of you to have those kinds of moms ((hugs)).

[Seasider]

Are we sisters separated as infants? You seriously just described my mom. The only difference is that they sort of micromanage each other.

 

I feel your pain. It's baffling and hurtful and I have had to have conversations with little people who really just want to love their grandmother. I am very VERY thankful for a great aunt and uncle on my husband 's side who have stepped into the role of grandparents. They love and spoil my kids and that helps.

 

Sorry anyone has to deal with circumstances like these.

[Lizzie in Ma]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[PrincessMommy]

I feel for you. :grouphug: My sisters and I went through this with my mom, except it was friends and not a spouse. The breaking point was the friend who my mom forced to bring into the family and moved in with my parents. It was definitely like a third person in the marriage, and we were told "too bad if you don't like it." My dad let it happen. It's all very painful for us, especially since Mom died last month. It was never resolved. There's a lot of grief over what never was with my mom. So many missed opportunities on her part. I wish I could say it will get better, but I can't. It never got better with my mom. It just became an attitude that *we* weren't important...even after my parents had to move in with my family and I told her her "friend" was NOT welcome. Even though the friend wasn't present, my mom was still the same (always picking friend over activities with grandkids, etc.). Anyway, I don't mean to turn your vent into my own vent... sorry. It's still a bit raw some days for me. Just wanted to let you know that there are some of us who have BTDT. I just hope and pray I don't cause this kind of sadness and grief for my adult children.

[Tammyla]

Uugg...I feel your pain. I have a relative who is like that.

[Twigs]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Melissa in Australia]

my grandmother did something like that. but she married someone the same age as my mother- and my mother was her youngest child. They got married about 10 years ago, the whole family thought he was treasure hunting. But we are getting a laugh out of it now. she makes him dress as an old man. and she gives him hell. she bosses him around as if he was a child. my grandmother in now in her 80's.

[Hot Lava Mama]

My mom is the greatest. But now she's married someone none of us like. All she can do is live, breathe, feed, worry about him. She micro manages his every move. It drives all of us nuts and none of us like to be around them. If I'm talking to her on the phone and he walks into the room she immediately starts in with "your coffee is on the table, take your pills, give the puppy a treat, sit over here..." I might as well hang up she's so busy telling him what to do.

 

Grandkids won't go over. No one wants to stay there when we visit. I understand that mom was lonely but she's traded off five kids and sixteen grandkids for this guy. It's just..........ugh.

 

We were at the beach and she had the choice of visiting some of his friends from college that she'd never met and eating with family she sees once a year. Guess what?

 

I'm close to fed up.

 

 

This is the key. (Saying with much compassion to you and your siblings) You all have someone at home. A spouse. Kids to take care of. Stuff to keep you busy and keep any loneliness away. She didn't have that.

 

Even if he is a PITA (pain in the a$$), don't you think you owe it to HER to be happy for HER? I feel sad for your mom. First she was lonely, but now she has someone to take care of (perhaps taking the place of the kids she once had) but her kids won't let his annoying behaviors slide off their back in respect for her and all she has done.

 

Really, if she IS the greatest, can't you give her this? Hasn't she already given all she had for you? Why would you prefer that she be lonely and at the beckon call to you and your siblings when "you" are ready? Doesn't she deserve to live HER life now that she has done the hard work of raising her kids? Perhaps this is a Dr. Laura moment, but it sounds like her kids are being a bit bratty.

 

Good luck!

Hot Lava Mama

[PrincessMommy]

 

This is the key. (Saying with much compassion to you and your siblings) You all have someone at home. A spouse. Kids to take care of. Stuff to keep you busy and keep any loneliness away. She didn't have that.

 

Even if he is a PITA (pain in the a$$), don't you think you owe it to HER to be happy for HER? I feel sad for your mom. First she was lonely, but now she has someone to take care of (perhaps taking the place of the kids she once had) but her kids won't let his annoying behaviors slide off their back in respect for her and all she has done.

 

Really, if she IS the greatest, can't you give her this? Hasn't she already given all she had for you? Why would you prefer that she be lonely and at the beckon call to you and your siblings when "you" are ready? Doesn't she deserve to live HER life now that she has done the hard work of raising her kids? Perhaps this is a Dr. Laura moment, but it sounds like her kids are being a bit bratty.

 

Good luck!

Hot Lava Mama

 

 

With all due respect... you obviously don't know what this is like. The OP is not saying she didn't want her mom to be happy or to have a companion. What she said was that mom was abandoning her children/grandchildren to only be with her new husband. How is that normal or healthy?

[Hot Lava Mama]

With all due respect... you obviously don't know what this is like. The OP is not saying she didn't want her mom to be happy or to have a companion. What she said was that mom was abandoning her children/grandchildren to only be with her new husband. How is that normal or healthy?

 

 

Perhaps. I won't argue this point at all. I am not in that situation, so I am only viewing this as someone looking in through the window. But, if it were ME as the mom, I would be especially annoyed that my kids would not go over and above to get along. Perhaps she already realized that her kids don't want to be around him, that is why she is abandoning her kids. Personally, that's NOT the choice that I would make, but to each their own. She obviously hates being alone more than pleasing her kids and living her life for her kids and grandkids.

 

I don't know all the information and I don't know what it feels like to be on either end. I'm just saying it looks like bratty behavior on the part of the kids (grandkids are exempted since I am assuming they are little) from my point of view. There might be other things that make this completely untrue. Or, maybe it hits home. Just thought it would be helpful to hear another version of the story.

 

If OP takes a look at her behavior and thinks she has done everything she should with respect to trying hard for her mom, then it doesn't apply and I am full of sh$t. Otherwise, it might be good to at least think about it.

 

Sorry if it stings a little, but also, if it doesn't apply, then it doesn't apply!

[Remudamom]

Perhaps. I won't argue this point at all. I am not in that situation, so I am only viewing this as someone looking in through the window. But, if it were ME as the mom, I would be especially annoyed that my kids would not go over and above to get along. Perhaps she already realized that her kids don't want to be around him, that is why she is abandoning her kids. Personally, that's NOT the choice that I would make, but to each their own. She obviously hates being alone more than pleasing her kids and living her life for her kids and grandkids.

 

I don't know all the information and I don't know what it feels like to be on either end. I'm just saying it looks like bratty behavior on the part of the kids (grandkids are exempted since I am assuming they are little) from my point of view. There might be other things that make this completely untrue. Or, maybe it hits home. Just thought it would be helpful to hear another version of the story.

 

If OP takes a look at her behavior and thinks she has done everything she should with respect to trying hard for her mom, then it doesn't apply and I am full of sh$t. Otherwise, it might be good to at least think about it.

 

Sorry if it stings a little, but also, if it doesn't apply, then it doesn't apply!

 

 

It doesn't sting because it doesn't apply. I still stay overnight at her house and speak to the guy. But he makes my skin crawl. The teens have an aversion to him and I say they should trust their guts.

 

Who said we prefer her to be lonely? That's odd. None of us want her to be unhappy. But when a choice is made for someone creepy we can not be expected to want to spend time with him. Nor should that be a condition for us spending time with our mom. And the whole situation could be turned around by mom, but she insists on forcing him down our throats. None of us have ever been anything but polite to him.

 

And no one wants her at our beck and call. What we'd like for her would be a marriage to a decent man who didn't alienate her whole family. I find it really funny that you would lecture me about my mother. I guess you are full of it.

[Remudamom]

And btw, we are all going above and beyond. We are humoring mother out our @sses.

[Hot Lava Mama]

It doesn't sting because it doesn't apply. I still stay overnight at her house and speak to the guy. But he makes my skin crawl. The teens have an aversion to him and I say they should trust their guts.

 

Who said we prefer her to be lonely? That's odd. None of us want her to be unhappy. But when a choice is made for someone creepy we can not be expected to want to spend time with him. Nor should that be a condition for us spending time with our mom. And the whole situation could be turned around by mom, but she insists on forcing him down our throats. None of us have ever been anything but polite to him.

 

And no one wants her at our beck and call. What we'd like for her would be a marriage to a decent man who didn't alienate her whole family. I find it really funny that you would lecture me about my mother. I guess you are full of it.

 

You didn't say he was "creepy" in your original post. You said none of you liked him. I think that is completely different!

 

So, as I said, it doesn't apply!

 

Oh, I wasn't "lecturing" you, you opened it up to discussion! Sorry if it offened you