abdicating some social training

[Miss Mousie]

I've been thinking about the "social training" areas in which I've let myself off the hook (mostly without guilt). I am tired of beating my head against the wall, and I don't want DS to remember me as the one who was constantly critical. A few examples:

 

Ever since he began dressing himself, I have talked to him about matching, both in terms of what colors/patterns go together and what types of items go together (e.g., a nice cotton sweater should not be worn with sweatpants). Somewhere along the line he has chosen to go monochromatic whenever possible. It drives me a little bonkers, but I have decided to let him do what he wants, and someday someone will comment and maybe hurt his feelings, and then maybe he'll consider more conventional combinations.

 

When he brushes his teeth, he does not do a very good job, and he doesn't brush his tongue or floss. I brush well, but I don't floss regularly. Partially to avoid hypocrisy, then, I have told him that I haven't taken very good care of my teeth and I am paying for that now (somewhat) in terms of cavities and weak gums. I have told him that he likely won't see the consequences of his habits for decades, and by then he'll be paying for it out of his own pocket, so if he would rather not make good habits he's the only one who will be affected by it. I have also talked to him about the tongue-brushing and how that helps keep breath fresh, but he won't do it, so I'm waiting for someone to comment and maybe hurt his feelings before he gets it.

 

What about you? Are there "training" areas that you have abdicated? How have you justified it?

[Jean in Newcastle]

How old is this child? Matching clothes are not important, proper dental care is very important and is part of a parent's duty.

[Miss Mousie]

He's 11. We've been working on dental care since he had teeth. He sees the dentist twice a year (and of course the dentist has also given instruction, demonstrations, and warnings - to no avail). At some point it's up to the kid to take the reins, you know? He does brush, mostly without reminders, which is the most important part; he just doesn't do it conscientiously.

[TechWife]

I wouldn't worry about his clothing style. He doesn't clash, so let him be. He may or may not change this as the years go by, but at his age, it should be his call.

 

Keep coaching him on the dental issues, but at the same time realize that taking care of his body is his responsibility at this point. The dentist will continue to be your ally. Send him for a thorough brushing if his breath stinks, but other than that, there's really nothing you can do. This issue will most likely resolve itself when he discovers GIRLS!!

[Miss Mousie]

Thanks for the responses, but I wasn't really looking for advice. I'm not trying to "solve" anything. I was just curious if other parents have decided to leave some of the social training stuff up to society itself to handle.

 

This was only meant to be a conversational thread. :)

[Myra]

Once my sons reached age 13, I've told them that their appearances no longer reflect upon me as a parent anymore but rather it now reflects upon what type of person they are or want to project to others. I say this in a loving and somewhat tongue in cheek comment, but I do mean it! So hair style/color, piercings, clothes are now up to them to totally decide......and I will continue to give input, if asked, but I support their decisions even if I don't agree with the look! As I figure now is the time for them to experiment without any major long term consequences.

 

Myra

[Parrothead]

Just to give you a different perspective. For some people tongue brushing triggers the gag reflex. It isn't pretty.

 

 

As for in general I can't think of any areas I've missed. It may be that I've missed several because they are not obvious to me as they would be to someone else

[fairfarmhand]

I continued to have to tell my dd to brush her teeth, put on deodorant, take a shower, etc. until she was about 13. I have an 11 yo and I know how exasperating and frustrating it is, but hang in there. I would still nag about hygiene. Its just a part of being a mom. Eventually they get it, I am not harsh, but its more of a "Did you brush? Well, considering your breath, you need to go do it again. " "Go put on deodorant. " "Time for a shower!" Also I keep in mind that some deodorants just don't work for certain people like others do. My dh and his brothers bought their own when their mom would buy deodorant w/out anti-perspirant. They hated being stinky and although the other stuff worked for their dad, it didn't work for them.

 

As far as breath and tongue brushing, does he have sinus/allergy issues? This can exacerbate bad breath and its not necessarily his fault.

 

Just a few thoughts on hygiene. :)

[Joshin]

I gave up responsibility for clothing choices as soon as they were old enough to dress themselves by age three. The only thing I insist upon is weather appropriate clothing. My oldest went through the monochromatic phase from age 6 until last year, now he's a pretty sharp dresser most of the time. My youngest is a t-shirt lover, especially shirts that proclaim his love for something (his NASA, SpaceX and Astronomy club shirts are wearing out from use), so in winter I insist he wears them over a long-sleeved shirt. He also absolutely refuses to wear matching socks. I honestly could care less what they wear unless it's a very special event, and even then I don't usually care.

 

I'm also kind of lax on bathing. I expect a minimum of two showers/baths a week and a shower after swimming in summer. If they are absolutely filthy or stink I may send them to the tub, but most days, eh, who cares? My oldest scraped by with the minimum until about a year ago (see a pattern here with hygiene and fashion sense all improving at once? lol!) and now he showers almost every day. Youngest still gets by on as few baths as possible. I do insist on daily underwear and sock changes, though.

 

My kids don't need deodorant, etc yet. I can't stand stinky personal care products so I am keeping those things out of the house until they absolutely need them. I request twice daily teeth brushing but am not too worried if they only get one in before bed. They both have good, healthy teeth so I figure a good scrubbing once a day is sufficient. I hated brushing my teeth as a kid and avoided it, and as an adult I have no dental issues and have never had a cavity. The boys seem to be following in my footsteps. I do brush twice daily now, but I still avoid flossing and have never been called out on it by a dentist.

[Dmmetler]

I still brush my DD's hair for her, because otherwise, at age 8. she'd leave the house looking like an unmade bed. She just doesn't seem to notice. She also, due to sensory issues, is picky about her clothing choices, and tends to effectively wear pajamas (well, knit leggings and tops) most of the time, often with a skirt over them. I do insist on situationally appropriate clothes, but for day to day wear, if she wants to wear pajamas and a tutu, I let her, even though she looks like a tall 4 yr old. I figure eventually peer pressure will force her to accept clothes that may be a little less comfortable and less "my style", but so far, she seems to be able to get by with it. She does have a nice sense of color, and will come up with interesting combinations that end up looking cute and quirky, as opposed to strange. So far, anyway.

[Reya]

For teeth, make him use disclosing tablets daily.

 

http://www.bing.com/shopping/search?q=disclosing+tablets&qpvt=disclosing+tablets&FORM=HURE

[KrissiK]

Clothes - I reserve the right to approve of church clothes and if we're going somewhere where it is important to look "put together". Otherwise, they can wear what they want. If they're going out, then I'll let the peer group take care of fahion issues. I'm thinking if they get laughed at enough for mismatched or weird clothes, that'll make them change.

 

Hygiene - DS refuses to wear deoderant so he must shower every day. We supervise teeth brushing.