Ballroom Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 Just wanted to share what has been on my mind for so long in hopes that someone might have some good advice....or at least a little commiseration :). I'm your typical large city to smallish town transplant. We moved five years ago to NC. I did what every ( or most) new mamas do when they have toddlers....I joined all the little cutsie music classes ( waste of money). I did the library story time thing, I was interested in meeting like- minded moms, and well no one was interested. Over the years I have experienced so many depressing and confusing interactions with other moms. I have had moms show an interest in getting to know me, and start up a friendship, and then out of the clear blue, start giving me the extreme cold shoulder....I cannot even fathom why? There are the moms who act so ridiculous...like if you smile or say a casual " hello". They act like you want to be there new BFF and they barely smile back. I guess I'm just feeling so jaded and bitter about all this, and as a Christian homeschooling mom....I hate that I've become this way! One of the recent homeschool groups we joined, all the children shunned my kids ( I have 2 girls and one boy). I really don't think there is anything socially wrong with me or my trio....I had friends growing up....still have a couple close friends out of state from elementary school...and my kids are pretty darn sweet, maybe a little weird...who knows. I just hate that meeting Christians these days is no different then meeting your average non- believer...there is no warmth or kindness it seems. I get that some moms have there lot of friends, I get that they are busy, etc. but can't you just strike up a conversation occasionally? It is just so sad. I have just joined my last very small art homeschool group. There is a mom in this group who actually seems interested in a friendship, at least from what I can tell, our kids play well together also. Im excited, but its so hard for me to feel hopeful that it will actually grow into a real friendship. Really I'm just feeling the weight of being a homeschooling mom, and being responsible for shaping the social circle for my kids ( I don't need a ton of friends for myself and them, just a few decent ones!). I worry about when they are teenagers ( oldest is turning 8). Will they seek out friends elsewhere because I couldn't provide a little group for them? I would love to hear your experiences. Thank you!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FriedClams Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 I've found some great friends through some of the places you mention - the library, church, etc.... The closest believing friends are two older women I meet with for in depth bible study. We don't hang out, but they are dear, close friends and mentors. We meet weekly after dinner. I actually went to one and asked if she would meet with me and mentor me. She said yes, then a third friend joined us. It's a amazing couple of women. They are the real deal. It might be worth seeking out a few people and settig up a real study. Some will drop out, others wont, but the overall process might be worth it. ETA - I've also made some great friends through being a Cub Scout leader. The kids have been great and I've met some wonderful people. Not all homeschool, but they are awesome. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2_girls_mommy Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 I have made a point to invite homeschooling families over that my kids have connected with at co-op and the library and scouts. Funny that I have reached out at our church, and we haven't really made any close friendships there over the years. But there aren't any homeschoolers, so that may be why. We are the "weird" ones in that respect to them :) I don't always get along at first glance with the moms that I reach out to, but I have come to be good friends w/some and slightly more superficial friendships w/some of the others. But my first impression has not always been correct. Often I have found hsing moms to be a little a shy, and once I make the uncomfortable effort of inviting them over for a family playdate, we start to get acquainted. Most want to make friends for their kids as well. Some of the people I have invited over never came to any thing beyond that one time. But many have lasted years because I made the first steps to invite someone to do something. I have had to be very proactive in creating a circle of friends for our family. But is has been worth it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skadi Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 I just hate that meeting Christians these days is no different then meeting your average non- believer... Christians do not have a monopoly on kindness, and for you to imply that "non-believers" are supposed to be somehow fundamentally worse than Christians is frightening to me. There's a whole lot wrong with your statement, and I really hope you don't look at the world that way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MinivanMom Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 Where in NC are you? In my experience it can be very difficult to make friends if you move to a place that's stagnant (think small town or any area where few people move in or out). We lived in the deep South for 7 years and it was tough. I eventually made two close friends, but one was a childhood friend of my husband (who coincidentally moved to the neighboring town) and the other was also a transplant (from WA state). It was really tough and I often felt like an outsider. I eventually figured out that people didn't mean to be unfriendly or rude, but they genuinely did not want to make new friends. They had grown up in the area, had family nearby, and had all of the friends that they had grown up with from childhood. They didn't need or want anyone else. Since they had never been new themselves (having even gone to in-state universities with all of their high school friends), they had no sympathy or understanding for newcomers. I really think your best option is to reach out to other transplants. Obviously you also want to do all of the standard friendship building things (go to community events, join a church, sign your kids up for activities and hang around while they're attending, be willing to be the one who initiates the friendship), but my experience has been that you will never break into a group of women who have been friends since kindergarten. Accept it, move on, and look to other transplants for friendship opportunities. There are other people out there looking for friendships; you just have to find them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MinivanMom Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 Christians do not have a monopoly on kindness, and for you to imply that "non-believers" are supposed to be somehow fundamentally worse than Christians is frightening to me. There's a whole lot wrong with your statement, and I really hope you don't look at the world that way. I don't think she meant her statement that way. Many Christians believe that they have a religious obligation to reach out to those who are new, lonely, suffering, etc. Unfortunately many, many Christians fall short in this regard. It's always tough to be excluded or to feel unwelcome, but when this happens in a church setting it can feel like an even greater slight. I took her statement to mean something along the lines of, "Sheesh, they won't even be friendly to us out of religious duty," versus a slam against the nonreligious. I think she is feeling excluded by families in her church. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2squared Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 We transplanted to a stagnant small town of 1500 in the middle of nowhere almost four years ago. We are the only homeschoolers in our town. By making the choice to homeschool, I have removed my family from the town social centerpoint - the public school. Newcomers who shun the status quo aren't on the popular list. We are helped, though, that my dh is an attorney in town, and with that position comes some automatic social standing. :001_rolleyes: I put my elementary kids into PE at the public school and pretty much every activity offered. From moving before, I knew I had to cast a wide net. A few months into the school year after the teachers had gotten to know my dd and me a little, I approached the teachers, and I asked them for friend recommendations for my dd. They gave me FABULOUS suggestions. I got on the phone and started inviting the girls over. I made sure we had someone over at least once/week. Yes, it was hard to do, but it worked. Those girls we met in 2nd grade are my dd's circle of friends in 5th grade. As a bonus this group of girls have younger siblings that are becoming my younger kids' friends. The moms of these girls are great, and while they aren't close friends, they are women I can call with questions or concerns. I can trade childcare and chaffeuring with them. Just this morning I called one of them to take my dd to a basketball tournament next week. I am sure I could turn some of them into friends if my kids were in the public school. We would have shared experiences and more face time. I still have to work hard to keep frequent contact between my dd and her friends. Friendships are built on time together and shared experiences, so we make that happen for dd. This year my dd hosts a girls night every month. She invites five friends over for games and snacks or we plan a fun activity somewhere. Last time I took everyone bowling (the girls pay their own way). I find that the other moms are glad I put forth the effort for these nights b/c they don't have to do any of the work. My 8yo ds is having a more difficult time finding friends, but that's mostly b/c we are having difficulty finding good matches for him. We've pretty much ruled out the other boys in 3rd grade, and now we're working through the 4th grade boys. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ballroom Posted December 28, 2012 Author Share Posted December 28, 2012 Thank you ladies! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gentlemommy Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 I too, understand your frustrations. As a fellow Christian hs mom, I would encourage you to give a secular hs group a try, if there's one in your area. I've had much better luck with our AP HS group that is secular than I ever did at church or christian hs groups. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reya Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 I too, understand your frustrations. As a fellow Christian hs mom, I would encourage you to give a secular hs group a try, if there's one in your area. I've had much better luck with our AP HS group that is secular than I ever did at church or christian hs groups. Where I used to live, we did 2 hs groups. One loudly proclaimed that it was OPEN TO ALL and was full of hideous bigots. Most were unschoolers and were very contemptuous of others who weren't. (Being a bit catty here, but given the abilities of the kids, I would call them NONschoolers.) I actually ended up contacting a website admin who listed the group to tell her how awful they were--ironically not to me, for despite my crusty online persona, in person I pretty much get along okay with everyone, but to another mother. She said I was not the first person who had contacted her about this group! The other was a regional play group. It was not religious but associated with a certain group of tiny towns, but it also didn't trumpet how INCREDIBLY OPEN AND ACCEPTING it was. I twas actually very open and was fun to be in. There were unschoolers and classical schoolers and box schoolers and eclectic schoolers. There were gifted kids and disabled kids and 2E kids. It was very much go-along to get along. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lamppost Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StartingOver Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 (snip) I just hate that meeting Christians these days is no different then meeting your average non- believer...there is no warmth or kindness it seems. (snip) I am what you would call a "non- believer". I have a very diverse web of friends. Gosh it is hard to read that we are all perceived as having no "warmth, or kindness". Might want to avoid such broad brush strokes if you want some diverse feed back. Off my stool. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ballroom Posted December 28, 2012 Author Share Posted December 28, 2012 Thanks. Yes I think the way to go is to seize on the transplants! :). I think I have just become a little bit burnt out with all the effort thus far. My church unfortunately does not have any families with younger homeschooled kids. They are away at college. It does seem a little hard to find groups for newbies to the area though.... I might give it a shot starting one up, but not sure if I'm up to that...well see :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ballroom Posted December 28, 2012 Author Share Posted December 28, 2012 Also, it didn't mean to say that non- believers are all jerky and rude. What I meant was that Christians....should according to scripture love and care for the lonely, not ignore or discard them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgehogs4 Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 Whenever I have tried to make friends my efforts fail miserably. Either they become weird, as you described, or I get the cold shoulder, as you also described. I can also honestly say that I have been the giver of the cold shoulder to someone whom I felt was coming on too strong with me--the mom looking for the bff, and frankly I didn't have the emotional space to allow her into my boundaries. I'm sure she could have written your post, based on some of the conversations we've had. My closest mom-friend came at a time when I was not looking at all...We were serving together in a class where both our kids were involved and we were just around each other being good moms. We started chatting over the kids' heads. Very slowly we started doing things together. Our kids got along great, even though you wouldn't think of it as an ideal match-up (she has two girls close to my son's age, and my daughter is 3 years younger than her younger girl--but they all adore each other and are best friends). Eventually our husbands met and they also get along well. Over the course of four and a half years we have spent many hours together as families, have vacationed at the beach together, done a bible study together with our kids--it is a very special relationship. But we were not looking. I think that times of loneliess are seasons in our lives when God is working to refine us--to trust him for our kids' and our own deep relationships. I might also add that in the season my friend and I met, I was in a period of grieving--I actually didn't want a new friend or to be really close to someone, so I was very cautious. The Lord gave her to me in spite of myself, and taught me through this friend what a true Christian friendship can be. I also have a friend who is not a Christian. She is a wonderful person, and I enjoy her company immensely. I am cautious about being "preachy" around her because I do not want to turn her away from knowing Jesus, but I also do not hide who I am around her, and she accepts that. I hope that someday she will know him... I guess what I am saying is that if you want close friendships, you must first seek your intimacy in the Lord. If you are content in your identity in Him, then others will be drawn to you naturally. If you are serving without searching something out in the process, you will not feel so discouraged. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StartingOver Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 Also, it didn't mean to say that non- believers are all jerky and rude. What I meant was that Christians....should according to scripture love and care for the lonely, not ignore or discard them. I believe all people should show tolerance, love, and respect for our differences, lonely or not. I also believe in extending grace. Which I will practice right now! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
susancollins Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 I am near Raleigh. I am part of the Lighthouse Homeschool group we would love to have you. I teach a nature study co-op at Youngsville library on Fridays message me if you are interested in either. I have been where you have been! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mumto2 Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 A wonderful fellow home ed mom had this problem. She went to many group meets but in the slightly disorganized home ed world I live in made no real friends but several good connections. I blessed to be one of these--similar education philosophy and a son that matched her family age wise. She opened her home every week to a group of 10 or so moms. Obviously big house giant yard. Maybe 5 families a week showed but she persisted. Sent fun emails with great field trip ideas every few months. Through those couple of years I showed up maybe once a month for something. Stayed in touch but never got overly close. Too busy. Then came word that she was terminal with cancer. We went to see her and I knew I had missed something. For the last 6 months of her life we made time for the weekly meets. I finally got to know the other moms she loved. It was all in the effort. We are an eclectic group to put it mildly--all beliefs and backgrouds. She taught us to play nicely with each other. When she died she left us a letter asking among other things that we continue to love each other. We still meet weekly and so far are successful. Our kids are a big family ranging from newborn to fifteen playing together which shen loved watching. The last time I was with her we sat and watched them all through her bedroom window. She loved them and us. Sorry for the long seemingly unrelated ramble but what I want to say I learned from my friend -- we need to be kind and get to know those people already in our lives. There are no guaranteed right people or place. My friend was a_n amazing woman and gave me a special gift that I had been sorely lacking friends and the knowledge that a sunny afternoon is more important sometimes then another math assignment Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Izzy Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 Have you tried joining a secular group? I was a member of 2 Christian homeschool groups years ago and didn't care for the atmosphere. We are now a part of a large inclusive homeschool group that welcomes everyone. It's been a wonderful group with tons of activities and park days. The people are very friendly and welcoming. I've found there is a very different flavor of Christianity that exists in the homeschool world that I've not seen anywhere else. I would look for secular Yahoo groups on your area. HTH Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gentlemommy Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 A wonderful fellow home ed mom had this problem. She went to many group meets but in the slightly disorganized home ed world I live in made no real friends but several good connections. I blessed to be one of these--similar education philosophy and a son that matched her family age wise. She opened her home every week to a group of 10 or so moms. Obviously big house giant yard. Maybe 5 families a week showed but she persisted. Sent fun emails with great field trip ideas every few months. Through those couple of years I showed up maybe once a month for something. Stayed in touch but never got overly close. Too busy. Then came word that she was terminal with cancer. We went to see her and I knew I had missed something. For the last 6 months of her life we made time for the weekly meets. I finally got to know the other moms she loved. It was all in the effort. We are an eclectic group to put it mildly--all beliefs and backgrouds. She taught us to play nicely with each other. When she died she left us a letter asking among other things that we continue to love each other. We still meet weekly and so far are successful. Our kids are a big family ranging from newborn to fifteen playing together which shen loved watching. The last time I was with her we sat and watched them all through her bedroom window. She loved them and us. Sorry for the long seemingly unrelated ramble but what I want to say I learned from my friend -- we need to be kind and get to know those people already in our lives. There are no guaranteed right people or place. My friend was a_n amazing woman and gave me a special gift that I had been sorely lacking friends and the knowledge that a sunny afternoon is more important sometimes then another math assignment That is so beautiful. Thank you for telling that story, it really touched me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justme824 Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 Whenever I have tried to make friends my efforts fail miserably. Either they become weird, as you described, or I get the cold shoulder, as you also described. I can also honestly say that I have been the giver of the cold shoulder to someone whom I felt was coming on too strong with me--the mom looking for the bff, and frankly I didn't have the emotional space to allow her into my boundaries. I'm sure she could have written your post, based on some of the conversations we've had. My closest mom-friend came at a time when I was not looking at all...We were serving together in a class where both our kids were involved and we were just around each other being good moms. We started chatting over the kids' heads. Very slowly we started doing things together. Our kids got along great, even though you wouldn't think of it as an ideal match-up (she has two girls close to my son's age, and my daughter is 3 years younger than her younger girl--but they all adore each other and are best friends). Eventually our husbands met and they also get along well. Over the course of four and a half years we have spent many hours together as families, have vacationed at the beach together, done a bible study together with our kids--it is a very special relationship. But we were not looking. I think that times of loneliess are seasons in our lives when God is working to refine us--to trust him for our kids' and our own deep relationships. I might also add that in the season my friend and I met, I was in a period of grieving--I actually didn't want a new friend or to be really close to someone, so I was very cautious. The Lord gave her to me in spite of myself, and taught me through this friend what a true Christian friendship can be. I also have a friend who is not a Christian. She is a wonderful person, and I enjoy her company immensely. I am cautious about being "preachy" around her because I do not want to turn her away from knowing Jesus, but I also do not hide who I am around her, and she accepts that. I hope that someday she will know him... I guess what I am saying is that if you want close friendships, you must first seek your intimacy in the Lord. If you are content in your identity in Him, then others will be drawn to you naturally. If you are serving without searching something out in the process, you will not feel so discouraged. Thank you. I needed to read this tonight. I am in the lonely camp at the moment, but not seeking out a new friend either. I am in a really guarded place right now. But I am learning, slowly, to have faith. And hopefully one day I will be lucky enough to be blessed again with friendship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
briansmama Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 As your oldest grows and becomes more involved in specific activities his social circle will evolve on it's own. I've always made a big effort to keep my dc involved with other local homeschoolers and this year my ds really is mostly engaged with others who share the same interests, homeschooled or not. I really think it gets SO much easier as kids grow. Next year your oldest will be at an age where many children really branch out on their own...Even if you were close to other moms and their dc he may not necessarily choose to spend his time with them, and instead may want to forge his own friendships. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ballroom Posted December 29, 2012 Author Share Posted December 29, 2012 Thank you so much for sharing your stories, and advice! I will keep looking, and will consider a secular group. I'm praying a lot more about it now....that God will provide good friends, and that I won't make this in idol in my heart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgehogs4 Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 Thank you. I needed to read this tonight. I am in the lonely camp at the moment, but not seeking out a new friend either. I am in a really guarded place right now. But I am learning, slowly, to have faith. And hopefully one day I will be lucky enough to be blessed again with friendship. You will. Ask God for a friend that is just right for you, but also that you would be the kind of person who can be just the right friend for someone else. Then wait for His time. Blessings. I hope the lonely season is fruitful, but not too long. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CyndiLJ Posted December 29, 2012 Share Posted December 29, 2012 I totally understand and often feel the same way. We started homeschooling mid-stream, when my oldest was starting 5th grade. I had a few mommy friends from the school, as well as some teacher friends. I have tried everything I could think of to try and make even just one or two homeschooling friends, to no avail. We have joined groups, driven distances, reached out to others. Part of it I know is natural, that by the 5th grade many of those relationships are firm amongst others and they may not mean to exclude but they just don't have a need for another friend themselves. So, I have given up and am letting God figure it out. I have good, solid friends aside from homeschooling, and that helps a lot so I am investing a lot of myself into those relationships. However, once in awhile I yearn for someone who understands this other part of my life that is so huge and important to me. I wonder if I will ever find it through our homeschooling years, but I will accept what I do have with great gladness even if it isn't quite fulfilling every little part I wish it were. And who knows? Tomorrow could change everything! Someone could walk into my life unexpectedly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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