Grinding the nuts into little pieces does NOT

[*Inna*]

Wow...

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[*LC]

Sometimes people just forget, especially with new allergies. My mom kept offering my nut-allergic child pecan pie on Christmas day. My child, who is 17, kept saying I'm allergic, but my mom would ask again when dessert would be mentioned.

 

I knew there wouldn't be a safe dessert, so we brought one for my kid to eat.

 

I hate that your daughter was exposed to the nuts; we were lucky ours were impossible to miss.

[Cosmos]

Did she tell you there was nuts in it? I wonder if rather than actual ground nuts, she used almond extract or some other nut extract that caused the reaction. My Grandma uses it often in her cookies and I know that my DS can't eat them because she uses the real deal and not imitation like I do.

 

This is one possibility or, could it possibly be a cross-contamination issue? Either of these would point to ignorance rather than, well, whatever you term you can think of for someone deliberately introducing an allergen.

[Heather in Neverland]

As a mom of a peanut-allergy kid, the mere idea of this makes me woozy.

 

I am so sorry this happened to you.

[Seasider]

I have had to step away from this for a few days to process thoughts and give dh time to think on it. Thanks to all who replied.

 

Two distinct words stuck out as I read the responses. Joanne said, "sick," and sbgrace used the word "reckless." (sbgrace, your post may no longer be here due to that latest server crash, but I did have a chance to read it.) DH and I believe that both those are the key words in this situation.

 

What MIL did was downright reckless. She is of that generation that just refuses to comprehend the ramifications of food allergies. She has in the past, and will continue, to exhibit reckless behaviors. She has done this on a variety of fronts for as long as I have known her. Earlier in our relationship I could frame it in my mind as merely an impetuous personality type. But erratic behaviors have escalated.

 

In recent years, the second word has come to the fore: she is.... sick. I don't know how else to put it without going into way more detail that would be good for be to type out here. But the good news is that dh truly, finally sees it. He now has eyes open wide to the fact that, "oh, that's just how she is" won't work to brush off her bad behavior any longer.

 

 

She will not be alone with my kids again (actually, there was another event in the spring which gave me pause and I have not allowed youngest to be alone with her since - I feel that gut reaction to be totally validated now). Little one will not eat any food she prepares, ever again. I have spoken with my young allergy sufferer; she has renewed instructions about food consumption, and I apologized to her for my error in not double checking those cookies (she was so sweet - "Oh, Mom, you would not have seen the nuts either...."). Day before yesterday we welcomed other relatives into our home for visiting. One arrived with baked cookies and dd took the plate from her hands as I helped get coats hung up. I heard the little one say, "These look awesome! Do they have any nuts in them?" She continues to learn.

 

DH and I have thought things over and discussed how to respond to the situation. Honestly, confronting grandma will do no good - we believe she would melt into a pile of remorseful tears, then bring us something with nuts again at Easter, July 4th, some time.... We think she's just not capable of understanding. Both of us stop short at choosing to believe it was deliberate, mostly because that just hurts too much and it would also not change the plan/protocol we now have for future interactions with her. I am sad for her - my kids are great and they want to love her. I will not speak ill of her to them, but she will have - due to her own actions - limited relationships with them.

 

Anyway, thanks again for all your responses. I appreciate the validation. And for the rest of you who deal with allergies, bless you. It's hard to feel like you have to be on duty and vigilant 24/7, but that's part of the job description of Mother, aye? May we all find rest as our kids grow and learn and take charge of their own lives and choices.

[Zebra]

It's one thing to have to be vigilant about stuff like this, it's a whole other thing to have to fight someone who is actively working against you. But, realizing and accepting that is a good thing.

 

:grouphug:

[Greenmama2]

Oh no! We just had a birthday party and I knew a kid with nut allergies was going to attend. I tried my best to eliminate any possible allergens from the menu. Well I bought the same seedless grapes I have bought for years from the same store and couldn't figure out why the moms were asking me if they were seedless grapes. It turned out a few grapes in each of the bunches had seeds in them. Not all but some and enough to panic the moms and make me feel quite horrified.

 

 

:grouphug:

 

Please educate this allergy novice. What is wrong with seeded grapes (for a nut allergic person)?

[Occasionally]

:grouphug:

 

If it were me, I would consider confronting her anyway, remorseful tears or not. I'd feel like she needs to know that her actions have consequences, and that you are taking your daughter's safety as your top priority. "Reckless" or "sick," she needs to know that she's done this.

 

:grouphug: again.

[Mom0012]

Oh no! We just had a birthday party and I knew a kid with nut allergies was going to attend. I tried my best to eliminate any possible allergens from the menu. Well I bought the same seedless grapes I have bought for years from the same store and couldn't figure out why the moms were asking me if they were seedless grapes. It turned out a few grapes in each of the bunches had seeds in them. Not all but some and enough to panic the moms and make me feel quite horrified.

 

 

:grouphug:

 

 

Why? My son has nut allergies and grape seeds have nothing to do with them.

 

Lisa

[Mekanamom]

Ugh. My grandmother did this to my mom (her DIL). My grandmother was perfectly well aware that my mother was allergic to, and could not eat, walnuts. She brought over a tray of brownies one day that looked totally fine.

 

After eating some, my mom started to have a reaction. My dad (at first) wouldn't believe that his mom could have put walnuts into the brownies... So my mom (after dosing with benadryl) strained the rest of the brownies through a strainer in the sink. There they were... Minute tiny pieces of carefully ground up walnuts sitting in the strainer after the rest of the chocolate brownie had washed down the sink. My grandmother had *absolutely* done it on purpose.

 

I'll tell ya. I sure harshly judged my own grandmother for that, and I never, ever, forgot it.

[cin]

Ugh. My grandmother did this to my mom (her DIL). My grandmother was perfectly well aware that my mother was allergic to, and could not eat, walnuts. She brought over a tray of brownies one day that looked totally fine.

 

After eating some, my mom started to have a reaction. My dad (at first) wouldn't believe that his mom could have put walnuts into the brownies... So my mom (after dosing with benadryl) strained the rest of the brownies through a strainer in the sink. There they were... Minute tiny pieces of carefully ground up walnuts sitting in the strainer after the rest of the chocolate brownie had washed down the sink. My grandmother had *absolutely* done it on purpose.

 

I'll tell ya. I sure harshly judged my own grandmother for that, and I never, ever, forgot it.

 

 

I cannot imagine someone actually doing this. This is criminal. If I tried to shoot someone but missed, I could be charged with attempted murder. (or some such thing). And to have someone you love and trust(ed) try to do this to your own family. I , could never be around that person again. In this case, I would just keep thinking, you tried to kill my wife! And I might just look into criminal charges. My goodness, my blood pressure is up. This isn't sick, it's just freakin demented.

[Mekanamom]

 

 

 

I cannot imagine someone actually doing this. This is criminal. If I tried to shoot someone but missed, I could be charged with attempted murder. (or some such thing). And to have someone you love and trust(ed) try to do this to your own family. I , could never be around that person again. In this case, I would just keep thinking, you tried to kill my wife! And I might just look into criminal charges. My goodness, my blood pressure is up. This isn't sick, it's just freakin demented.

 

 

I'm sure, in my grandmother's case, she simply didn't believe my mom's allergies were real. Ugh. I was not part of the fall out discussion, so I don't know what the official explanation was for the whole thing. I have my suspicions as to her motivations, but I very much doubt she was actually trying to harm my mom. (Honestly, and I could be wrong, I think she just got tired of my mom saying she couldn't eat this or that dish at family gatherings. So she decided to show my mom that she certainly could eat walnuts, as long as she didn't know they were there!)

 

It comes down to a matter of respect. My grandmother could *believe* whatever she wanted about my mom's allergies, with no real harm done. But she stepped over a line by disrespecting my mom's food restrictions with her actions. And it *could* have been fatal if the reaction had been worse. A simple little issue of respect can have very serious consequences.

 

That incident left a huge impression on me, to say the least!

 

I'm lucky enough to not have any food allergies myself. (And my DH and children are also food allergy free!) But having grown up with my mom's food allergies... Gah, dealing with the allergies is hard enough... Dealing with people who willfully disrespect food restrictions is maddening! And very serious.

 

OP- I'm so sorry you have had to go through this. It was hard enough to see it happen to my mom. I can't even *imagine* seeing it happen to one of my children. :(

[Seasider]

I'm sure, in my grandmother's case, she simply didn't believe my mom's allergies were real. Ugh. I was not part of the fall out discussion, so I don't know what the official explanation was for the whole thing. I have my suspicions as to her motivations, but I very much doubt she was actually trying to harm my mom. (Honestly, and I could be wrong, I think she just got tired of my mom saying she couldn't eat this or that dish at family gatherings. So she decided to show my mom that she certainly could eat walnuts, as long as she didn't know they were there!)

 

It comes down to a matter of respect. My grandmother could *believe* whatever she wanted about my mom's allergies, with no real harm done. But she stepped over a line by disrespecting my mom's food restrictions with her actions. And it *could* have been fatal if the reaction had been worse. A simple little issue of respect can have very serious consequences.

 

That incident left a huge impression on me, to say the least!

 

I'm lucky enough to not have any food allergies myself. (And my DH and children are also food allergy free!) But having grown up with my mom's food allergies... Gah, dealing with the allergies is hard enough... Dealing with people who willfully disrespect food restrictions is maddening! And very serious.

 

OP- I'm so sorry you have had to go through this. It was hard enough to see it happen to my mom. I can't even *imagine* seeing it happen to one of my children. :(

 

 

 

Yup to the bolded. That's it. It seems to be a widespread attitude, crazy as it sounds, particularly among those of older generations.

 

Cin, good analogy. If the topic ever comes up with my MIL, I will certainly remember to share it with her.