Bummed, then metabummed

[NittanyJen]

Through my entire public school career, K-12, I can count 7 truly outstanding teachers I had, who had a major influence on me (and I went to what is considered by many to be one of the top districts in PA, or at least it was at the time, back in the day).

 

So today, I have two issues, one of which can't actually be resolved, just dealt with. The other, maybe my fellow homeschoolers can help me put back into perspective once the shock of the first has resolved a bit.

 

So the first is sad: One of "my seven" has passed away. A truly influential teacher, though she taught in my middle school years (6th--8th here) she had a significant impact on my later school and career choices and success. Dealing with an interesting and challenging age group in a school setting, she was quick with a smile, had a memorable (and frequent) laugh that could be heard all down the hallway, and was one of the first to reach out to and encourage new students migrating into the school during their middle school years and help them find a way to become involved in some type of group or find a group of friends in a pretty clique-ish school. Improbably, this very short, rotund, never classically beautiful (but gorgeous inside) individual was the cheerleading squad coach-- and was, according to my friends who were on that team, much beloved by the squad, who won many a competition under her tutelage. She had the energy and stamina to take this age group camping, hiking, to the beach, to NYC, Philadelphia, Washington DC, Gettysburg, and other locales that would terrify many a teacher of the newly adolescent set, and we had a great balance of supervision and freedom-- I have no memories of "line up and shut up." She co-ran a dissecting club, placing scalpels in our hands every week with cheery aplomb. She dealt with messy girl issues, boy-girl issues, hormonal issues, and educational issues all with professionalism and kindness. I don't believe I ever took a multiple choice exam in her classroom. Her funeral is today, and unfortunately, with a sick kid at home, it is just a tad too far away for me to make it there to pay my last respects to her and her family for all her years of tremendously hard work and dedication. I know at least two of my other "seven" will be in attendance, and it would have been wonderful to see them.

 

That is my first issue-- I'm really sad about the loss of a wonderful human being.

 

That brings up the second issue. My overall feeling about homeschooling is pretty unequivocal-- our only regret 99% of the time is, "Why didn't we do this sooner?" I giggle when I come to this forum and see the thread title about someone worrying about "all the drawbacks" about homeschooling, and I reflexively, though I am not anti-school at all, think, "What drawbacks about homeschooling?" However. Though I know it seems like an argument in itself to say, "Well . . . out of 40+ teachers in your K12 career, only 7 were good . . . what does that say about the rest of your time???" The reality is that my life would absolutely have been poorer had it not been for these 7 people.

 

So, on this day, I worry just a bit about what my kids may miss out on by homeschooling. Who might their "7" have been? What influence in their lives are they missing that I am not replacing, necessarily? Am I robbing them of some type of transformative experience they might have had, had I chucked them at the local public school? When interviewed about one of the books he has published, my husband noted that our high school English teacher was absolutely a key influence on his ability to write (she is also one of my "7").

 

Help me out here, hive. I am probably not in a good place to ponder these questions on this particular day, as I grieve for Miss Schmidt. And as I write this, I am thinking it is probably also a good blog post-- food for thought for those who don't necessarily read TWTM-- so I hope you don't mind if I c/p this into my blog (I will not copy any responses though, nor will I create a link, so your responses here are safe with me).

 

Sadly,

[FriedClams]

First, I am very sorry for your loss.

 

As I read your pos I thought of 'my seven' - but before high school (boarding school), I had 2. High school - living there for 4 years! - gave me 2 more. I regret that my kids won't have those 4 - but they will have other mentors and influential adults. I didn't have an family that would make my 4 - but my kids do. They'll have robots coaches and scout leaders and my friends that they connect with. Where I currently live the list for bad would (according to other parents with kids in the system) be longer than neutral/good.

 

But I agree with your mourning. My sister is a teacher and she is on MANY student's list of 7 and I am saddened my kids will miss out on that.

[nrg]

As your children grow, they will have experiences with teachers and leaders and will find those same bonds. In our family of grown children, each has his list of wonderfully influential adults with whom they maintain contact. These include music teachers, community college instructors, symphony conductors, nature studies leaders, scout masters, art teachers, Latin teacher, church leaders, tae kwon do sensei, and more. One of the greatest benefits of long-term homeschooling I have seen is the influence of the fine adults we have met along the way, and the deep relationships we have been able to form with them. I cherish the memories of my most nurturing public school teachers, but I envy the deeper bonds my sons have with their most respected mentors.

[Guest submarines]

As your children grow, they will have experiences with teachers and leaders and will find those same bonds. In our family of grown children, each has his list of wonderfully influential adults with whom they maintain contact. These include music teachers, community college instructors, symphony conductors, nature studies leaders, scout masters, art teachers, Latin teacher, church leaders, tae kwon do sensei, and more. One of the greatest benefits of long-term homeschooling I have seen is the influence of the fine adults we have met along the way, and the deep relationships we have been able to form with them. I cherish the memories of my most nurturing public school teachers, but I envy the deeper bonds my sons have with their most respected mentors.

 

ITA. I didn't have a single teacher like you (the OP) describe. I think the chances of developing such mentoring and bonding relationships within the community are much better when children are not confined to an institution.

[Twigs]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: for your loss.

 

There will still be other influential adults in your children's lives, from a variety of backgrounds.

 

Best wishes.

[Anne in CA]

I had two wonderful teachers our of 12 years of ps. One was both my 5th grade teacher and my 8th grade teacher and he was amazing with his never ending zest for learning. He always had some new project that he was learning about himself. He was such a great example of being a lifelong learner. He also taught us to vote, helping us research candidates and taking us to vote on voting day and arranging for us to "vote" in the little booths so that the process was familiar. He built a fabulous cabin in the mountains for Eastern Oregon and made a sled run for the kids there every year. That cabin is for sale now and I am SICK that I cannot afford a vacation cabin in the woods.

 

In high school the best teacher I had is still teaching now and is considered a fabulous teacher by everyone who has her. I was lucky again that she taught me both algebra and US History. She always made sure that every student was caught up every day, and engaged the whole class. She just did not permit someone to be disinterested in her subjects.

 

My oldest dd attended ps for four years before I pulled her out, and then she attended four years of high school and never had a teacher that was the caliber of either of those teachers. I do not think that the situation with the teacher's union in this state keeps good teacher's going. I have a coworker whose wife is a very dedicated teacher. She is so dedicated she does not have her own children, she focuses on the kids she teaches. She is being treated so poorly by administration that she will probably leave teaching when they offer to buy out her contract next time.

[mom2scouts]

I only remember a few teachers that made much of an impact on me. Your children will have other opportunities to have influential adults in her life. My dd is a dancer and there are already teachers that she has worked with for 3 years that she knows and respects. They, probably even more than PS teachers, will be able to encourage her. Your kids will be able to find mentors outside of school.

[chepyl]

Oops!

[chepyl]

I have 8 people outside of my family who were very influential in my life. 2 were an elementary teacher, 3 were Jr high and high school teachers. The other three were the most important, my life is what it is because of my dance and theatre teachers and my babysitter/chauffeur/adopted big sister.

 

My kids have dance teachers, music teachers, gymnastics coaches, and many other adults who could be one of their "seven."

[sassenach]

I had 1. And as great as she was, she wasn't nearly as influential as my parents. It's a false dichotomy, I think.

 

Sorry for your loss.

[crazyforlatin]

Jen, I'm sorry for your loss. I can't name one K-12 teacher, but my law school professor was influential and a good friend, so I understand how it feels when a teacher passes away.

 

We have outside activities such as singing, swimming, and martial arts. These people are a positive influence to DD. She is very excited about her singing lessons because her teacher is encouraging and passionate.

[merry gardens]

I'm sorry for your loss. I understand what you are saying about having experienced some really great teachers. I had some great teachers too. One that stands out was a wonderful music teacher in school. Fortunately, I found a wonderful music teacher for my children--and she is available to us because we do homeschool. There are opportunities for your homeschooled children to meet caring individuals who can be involved in their lives. That happens at places beyond school. You might need to seek out such people, but be reassured that they do exist.

[NittanyJen]

Thank you all for your encouraging words. Kay Schmidt's loss just struck me unusually hard. I do also think that we must not take these things for granted when we make choices for our children. Like many of you, I too have my children enrolled in several external activities such as swimming, karate, fencing, gymnastics, etc. Hopefully a few of those relationships/mentorships will last long enough to become meaningful.

 

There is a difference, though maybe I will feel it changing more as my kids, who are still pretty young, being to grow older. In school I had choices that I know my parents would never have even considered as options for me on their own, opportunities that were fantastic chances to learn and grow as a person-- theater lighting craft, creating a Students Against Drunk Driving group from scratch with a group of my friends, dissecting club, canoeing and camping field trips without my parents present, traveling Europe with American Music Abroad to give concerts, marching band, exposure to several instruments, and so forth.

 

I have to figure out how to either let them find these "found" opportunities to try things that THEY get a chance to discover that I might never have thought of for them, as I had the chance to do, or accept that maybe this is one of the trade-offs of homeschooling. Perhaps 4-H and other groups will provide enough exposure to provide access to these kinds of activities? Time will tell. It goes beyond the no-brainer of listing each activity above and how a homeschooler can participate in it or an alternative; the point was that I had the chance through my teens to discover for myself, separate from what my parents thought I should do or might do, what I wanted to try; I feel sincerely that that is an important part of growing up. I'm not entirely certain how that is going to work its way into our homeschooling lifestyle-- but maybe my kids will show me.

 

Thanks again for the support over a rough couple of days.

[regentrude]

I am sorry for your loss. I, too, had some good teachers - and one truly great and wonderful one who inspired me and had a big impact on my life.

But I do not think kids who are homeschooled have to miss out on interacting with wonderful, inspiring adults. Aside from us parents, my DD had her children's choir director, her horseback riding instructor, her French tutor, her university choir director, the professors whose classes she takes at the university... adults who love what they are doing, who enjoy teaching, who can inspire a student - the same way my 5th-10th grade math teacher inspired me.

For other homeschooled kids it may be the community theatre director, the youth pastor, the violin teacher, or the coach. I think if we make sure our children are involved in the community, they will encounter adults who have a positive impact on their lives.

[NittanyJen]

I am sorry for your loss. I, too, had some good teachers - and one truly great and wonderful one who inspired me and had a big impact on my life.

But I do not think kids who are homeschooled have to miss out on interacting with wonderful, inspiring adults. Aside from us parents, my DD had her children's choir director, her horseback riding instructor, her French tutor, her university choir director, the professors whose classes she takes at the university... adults who love what they are doing, who enjoy teaching, who can inspire a student - the same way my 5th-10th grade math teacher inspired me.

For other homeschooled kids it may be the community theatre director, the youth pastor, the violin teacher, or the coach. I think if we make sure our children are involved in the community, they will encounter adults who have a positive impact on their lives.

 

 

I agree with this-- and my kids have some fantastic people in their lives, and are involved in many activities-- all of which we have had substantial influence in helping them choose.

 

But how do they find the oddball opportunities that we, their parents aren't finding for them, the ones that they find on their own?

 

As I said above, I may "get" this better as my kids become older and gain more independence. I also know that the vast menu of clubs, intramurals/noncompetitive sports, etc and other opportunities that were available when I was in school are no longer as available in today's schools, thanks to budget cuts, testing worries, and so forth, and the advent of helicopter parenting and parents trying to craft the Harvard application starting in preschool, so kids don't necessarily all have the freedom to choose things that interest them that they once did. I, however, am still a big believer in such opportunities. I think kids need to have a chance to choose surprising things for themselves, apart from activities set up exclusively by their parents.

 

I don't know the basic message I am wrestling with is getting through here or not . . . and it has evolved some from my initial responses to Ms. Schmidt's loss.

[regentrude]

I agree with this-- and my kids have some fantastic people in their lives, and are involved in many activities-- all of which we have had substantial influence in helping them choose.

But how do they find the oddball opportunities that we, their parents aren't finding for them, the ones that they find on their own?

 

I don't find all the opportunities for them. They want to do something, and I simply help them make it happen. The only thing I actually selected was the piano teacher (DD was 5 years old when she started).

I had no knowledge about martial arts until my son expressed an interest in starting TaeKwonDo - he heard about it from a friend. His instructor is great, and I am glad that he has this male teacher in his life. DD was the one who wanted to ride horses; I knew nothing about horses, never rode, and just started looking around for instruction. I called people, found a lady who was very nice - and DD has been riding with her for five years now. The teacher suggested leasing a horse, which we did. Her new trainer is a young woman who just ended up boarding a horse at the same barn; I was not involved at all.

DD saw a flyer for the children's choir and wanted to join. Then when she was too old she wanted to continue singing, and all I did was ask the university choir director to let her join.

 

I think kids need to have a chance to choose surprising things for themselves, apart from activities set up exclusively by their parents.

 

Absolutely - but all you have to do is listen to your kids and assist them in finding the opportunities they are looking for.

I do not think kids need to be handed a menu of clubs and activities, like in school, to get them to find something interesting - stuff simply comes up, opportunities arise. Some will be of interest, some won't (despite lots of exposure to theatre and a great local community theatre group, my kids are not interested in joining, and none ever wanted to participate in team ball sports.)