Very upsetting phone call this morning...

[TXMary2]

I am seeking advice from Christian parents of boys. I got a phone call this morning from a dear friend, who lives across the country. She has been concerned about her teenage son, who like my son, recently announced he is an atheist. She discovered a forum account he has online and she read multiple disturbing things her son posted - some she knows for sure isn't true, some that is, some she isn't sure of. He curses in most of his postings and talked about some very disturbing things - some things she wouldn't even tell her husband or me about because it was so upsetting. She called me to ask for advice and honestly, I am at a total loss. I have my own issues with my teen and I don't know what advice to give her. Basically her concern is that he has had too much freedom/access to information online - she wants to cut off internet access. She doesn't want to shove religion down his throat, but he seems to have a total lack of morals and lack of good judgement while online. I have had some similar issues with my son, but I have no viable solutions or positive outcomes as of yet, so I am not the person to ask.

 

If you found out your son was cursing online, claiming to watch p*rn, making inappropriate comments about you and your husband, making sexual comments about girls, and was basically unrecognizable to you in print, what would you do? How would you try to reach him? I was tempted to tell her it may be a phase, but what if it isn't and issues don't get talked about?

 

Edited to add: When my son told me he no longer believed in God, my response was emotional and it made the situation worse. Now we kind of tiptoe around the issue, but when ever it does come up an argument usually ensues. Because of that, I don't feel like I can offer her sound advice. I feel powerless. I told her the only thing I could tell her, that I would pray for them. Ugh.

[Faithr]

I think this is a problem with teens. They try out new personalities, do things they could never do in real life on line. I think it is experimentation and trying push limits. And I think it is really unhealthy because I think basically their character hasn't been formed. Somehow those morals taught did not get internalized. I personally would go immediately to professional help; a Christian counselor or a sympathetic psychologist. Something has gone terribly wrong. I understand children wanting freedom to think for themselves, but to deliberately pose as really awful, awful people they'd probably be ashamed of to be in real life, is really straying down the wrong path. MHO.

[AK_Mom4]

That's difficult. Leaving all the religious issues aside, watching that sort of "stuff" online is specifically against our rules. That would be the end of his internet access here at our house for a long period of time, as well as potentially loss of access to the device (phone or computer) that it was used.

 

Then I would probably find some way for that kid to be spending extra time with DH and I (but mostly with DH) helping with projects and activities. There is some sort of disconnect going on there and busy hands together does wonders for keeping the communication going.

[KDoty]

I have no advice to give as my boys are still very young. All I can say is I'll be praying for you and your family and your friend and her family. That's a tough one and I'm sorry you're both faced with such a struggle.

Blessings to you all!

[Jean in Newcastle]

The first advice I would give is to put internet monitoring software on their computers Then change all passwords and have the parents hold them. I realize that with a teen, they can have access to all of this from friends etc. but at least it will protect their home to some extent. Depending on what he's watching, you can get into pretty big legal trouble if you have some of it on your computers. Plus, p*rn often comes with viruses etc.

[TranquilMind]

That's difficult. Leaving all the religious issues aside, watching that sort of "stuff" online is specifically against our rules. That would be the end of his internet access here at our house for a long period of time, as well as potentially loss of access to the device (phone or computer) that it was used.

 

Then I would probably find some way for that kid to be spending extra time with DH and I (but mostly with DH) helping with projects and activities. There is some sort of disconnect going on there and busy hands together does wonders for keeping the communication going.

 

I think this is the best advice. More connection with family and less with the internet seems to be in order. You can't influence him until you "win him back" so you are in his favor as his parents, so to speak.

[TranquilMind]

The first advice I would give is to put internet monitoring software on their computers Then change all passwords and have the parents hold them. I realize that with a teen, they can have access to all of this from friends etc. but at least it will protect their home to some extent. Depending on what he's watching, you can get into pretty big legal trouble if you have some of it on your computers. Plus, p*rn often comes with viruses etc.

 

And this!

[Kim in Appalachia]

She has to tell her dh and she has to get the child off the internet. She can do that by putting up internet safeguards (like parental control software, passwords, etc...) or just cut of the internet. (Getting rid of the wi-fi would be the easiest way, then have a password on the one thing hooked up to the web). And take away any mobile device, like a phone, or just stop paying for his data plan.

 

There are legal issues too. If he watches any Child p*rn, her dh could get in trouble. There's also the issue of who the teen may be in contact with, could be a nut job (male or female).

 

Said child can complain all he wants. His religious views are his own. I would make it clear that I would not force any religious view on him, but certain rules must be followed.

 

They need to start spending more time with him. Play games together, go on trips, whatever. They need to bring him back to "their" world (I do not mean church, just family and reality).

 

And you should pray for your friend. They will need all of the strength and wisdom they can get.

[Scarlett]

My son is only 12 but wow I feel your pain. I agree with jean. Take control of your/your friends house and enforce house rules. Very painful tho to see one's child go so far from what you've taught him.

 

I would advise your friend to tell her dh everything .

[Lolly]

1. You don't over react.

2. You address issues of safety. The main safety problem I see that you have posted would relate to the danger he is putting your household in from watching certain videos. (Mainly from computer viruses. What he is watching is most likely legal if he were 18. But, computer viruses are $$.) I would make sure the computers have plenty of virus software and try to find a good blocking program. (I know nothing about those things!) Being 16, he may very well find a way around them. A frank discussion is in order. I do not recommend focusing on the moral issues; honestly, he isn't going to care.

3. Religiously, all they can do is be a good example at this point. Show him love and grace whenever possible. Accept him with his views without condemning him. He is old enough to make his own decisions here. (And, pushing the issue will only push him further away.)

4. The cursing online: I would totally ignore. Well, with one exception. If he is using his name or any real identifying information, I might have a discussion about how one presents themselves online sometimes comes back to them at a later date. Otherwise, while shocking to parents, this is pretty much normal for a 16 yo boy.

[KRG]

The atheist thing would not bother me as much as the p*rn/comments about girls. #1 has gone back and forth the last year or so about being an atheist. It hurt but we remained calm and talked about it with out being judgmental. I think he is/was questioning and I'm ok with that. He told me the other day that he and God were ok. In that respect I think it is very common for teens to question what they have been taught about religion.

 

Is the boy's dad in the picture and what are his thoughts on p*rn? I would start there and have dad talk to him assuming that it would be a positive conversation. P*rn/addiction seems to be so rampant these days. I would search out any and every person/place I could to help him.

[bettyandbob]

I would not make a big deal about atheism or cursing online. These are two issues that could cause more problems if you respond to them. With regard to atheism, she could do what my friend did and say tell her son, "that's nice, we still go to church as a family. That's part of living in this house." I don't know if I would push it that much--depends on the child.

 

I would follow the suggestions above regarding internet access at home, with the simple explanation that certain activity can cause virus problems and may be illegal. The illegality would be put on the adults in the household and you cannot afford to deal with that. When he is old enough to move out AND does move out he access whatever he wants in his new home. Until then he and his siblings will need to accept your restrictions or not use the internet.

[Jackie in AR]

How old is the boy? Where does he do school?

[nukeswife]

I know you asked for advice from parents of christian boys, so you can just ignore my whole response if you want. I'm an atheist, and I don't think that is the area you need to focus on. He's old enough to figure out the religious part for himself. If you really want to "win him back" (I don't care for that phrase as I don't see this as some sort of game to win, but it's the best I could come up with) just model your choices to him and if he feels the call back he'll come.

 

No the other stuff is something that needs to be handled because that sounds like teenage rebellion to me and doesn't necessarily tie into the atheism. Just because you're an atheist doesn't mean you have no morals or sense of right and wrong. It's wrong to Lie, no matter what your religious affiliation. I would drastically cut his internet access until he can prove he's trustworthy enough to have that privilege. I would explain the problems viruses and other issues that could arrise from using unsafe internet sites. I would not force him to go to church just because that's what the family does. I know I resented my inlaws trying to impose that rule on me when I first got married. True I was an adult by then and it shouldn't have been an issue but it was and it made problems that our relationship still suffers from today.

[Harriet Vane]

The first advice I would give is to put internet monitoring software on their computers Then change all passwords and have the parents hold them. I realize that with a teen, they can have access to all of this from friends etc. but at least it will protect their home to some extent. Depending on what he's watching, you can get into pretty big legal trouble if you have some of it on your computers. Plus, p*rn often comes with viruses etc.

I would also strongly advise counseling as well as more time with the teen doing fun things. Can the parents engage in an activity together with their son, purely socializing together? A weekly card game? Horse riding? Take up fencing or tennis? Find something to do each week, together.

[Laurie4b]

She has to tell her dh unless he is an untrustworthy person (ie he will blow up, or if he is like the persona her ds has created). If dh is untrustworthy, then that is probably the real issue.

 

As others have said, the first thing to do is to invest in the relationship. Rebuild ties that are tattered and strengthen the ones that remain. It sounds corny, but I have often found that the way to my teen ds's hearts is through their stomach. Preparing favorite meals, etc. can be quite helpful. Do activities together. It's best if the dh is the one to really up his relationship investment (again, assuming he is a trustworthy person.) Teenaged boys need to distance themselves from their moms developmentally in a way they don't from their dad.

 

Keep religion out of it. Don't discuss that in the context of what she found online. Let him go prodigal. Pray about that diligently. Don't try to persuade him back into the faith with words. Allow him to question. The parents can demonstrate the validity of the faith through their lives.

[TXMary2]

Thanks everyone. I am going to share some of the thoughts here with her. She is afraid to tell her husband because she doesn't want him to blow up. He tends to be pretty strict. Her main concern is the p*rn issues. I did tell her she should put some parental controls, but a) their family shares one computer, B) she isn't technologically savvy and c) her husband would question why. I feel so bad for her.

 

Regarding my son, when he told me he doesn't believe in God, I freaked out, but my husband was a cool cucumber. We aren't on the same page about that. He thinks it will pass - I am afraid for my son. I just keep praying for him.

[TXMary2]

How old is the boy? Where does he do school?

 

 

He is 15 and goes to public school in California.

[Parrothead]

Parental controls should be on all computers regardless. To think one does not need them because your family isn't "that kind of family" is short-sighted. Anyone can search something innocent and end up someplace hideous. And he is only claiming to watch p*rn. This may or may not have happened. I'd lean toward yes, simply because it is so accessible.

 

This young man's attitude about women needs to be counseled. He needs to be taken to a secular male counselor to work through is issues about women. I say secular because if he is taken to a religious person he will disregard anything the counselor says. The same with a woman counselor. At present he has no respect for women and won't listen to one.

 

The swearing needs to be addressed only if it is happening at home. He can respect the house rules or he can spend his time in his room swearing at whom ever he wants. Outside of the home there isn't much parents can do except talk about how idiotic and uneducated it is to use only the F bomb as one's only adjective.

 

Badmouthing the parents will happen online or live to his friends. Nothing they can do about that unless they attempt to tomato stake a 15-year old.

 

The atheism isn't the end of the world. From a Christian perspective one can't help but worry about his immortal soul. The only thing the parents can do at this point is follow the example of St. Monica. She prayed and prayed and prayed for her son's conversion. The story goes he was the worst kind of rake. Lots of general debauchery, and a non-believer to boot. Before he died he was converted and became a doctor of the Church. We know him as St. Augustine.

 

Good luck to the both of you with your sons. I hope and pray they come out the other side as better human beings for all their troubles. :grouphug:

[Joanne]

If you found out your son was cursing online, claiming to watch p*rn, making inappropriate comments about you and your husband, making sexual comments about girls, and was basically unrecognizable to you in print, what would you do? How would you try to reach him? I was tempted to tell her it may be a phase, but what if it isn't and issues don't get talked about?

 

Please note that the young man claims to watch porn. That does not equal watching porn, nor does watching porn necessarily mean a problem. (I am against the porn industry, so please put that in context).

 

It's common for teens to *exaggerate* their sophistication (or what they think is sophistication).

 

I would keep the religious areas separate, and focus on the things that are problems *without* religious interpretation, and things you can try to control. As such:

 

1. Let go of controlling the child's religious beliefs.

2. Due to the false or inflammatory (if they are) statements about Mom and Dad, the child has demonstrated a lessened/less mature behavior as it relates to online behavior. Therefore, the child has chosen a higher level of online supervision.

3. I would need to know more about "sexual comments about girls" to comment. If it is general stuff about wanting to be intimate with girls, I'd let it go. God MADE humans to want sex. If it is specific comments about specific girls, I'd intervene on the basis that it is disrespectful, trashy, unsafe, and poor judgment to post online.

4. The cursing I'd let go of. The more you focus on it, the more the child will "dig in" to prove his point. Let him own his language. Eventually, he'll mature enough to realize it doesn't serve him. In the short term, you can insist that you won't be around it personally.

 

Finally, the Dad in the picture may have problems that underlie this issue. The boy seems to be the current scapegoat, but the system seems flawed. If mom has been "walking on eggshells" for some time trying not to upset Dad because an upset Dad is a nightmare, the family - not just this boy - needs help.

[Guest submarines]

Thanks everyone. I am going to share some of the thoughts here with her. She is afraid to tell her husband because she doesn't want him to blow up. He tends to be pretty strict. Her main concern is the p*rn issues. I did tell her she should put some parental controls, but a) their family shares one computer, B) she isn't technologically savvy and c) her husband would question why. I feel so bad for her.

 

Regarding my son, when he told me he doesn't believe in God, I freaked out, but my husband was a cool cucumber. We aren't on the same page about that. He thinks it will pass - I am afraid for my son. I just keep praying for him.

 

The bolded part is the main issue here. If the wife is afraid to talk to her husband, because of his volatile temper, the family dynamics are far from healthy.

 

Their teen's proclaiming himself an atheist is the least of their concerns and probably the direct result of how the family operates. The son is likely rebelling because he wants to separate himself from his father as the role model (no wonder there), but because of his age and maturity level his choices are what they are.