sahm99 Posted October 25, 2012 Share Posted October 25, 2012 I am really lost about how to help dds (almost 9 and 10.5.) learn to deal with the "ordinary meanness" that seems to be so much part of (today's) girls' culture. I am not talking about huge issues, but little, stupid, mean, hurtful, useless remarks that seem to get shot almost randomly. My girls are not without fault, and I can imagine many ways in which they could be un-nerving to the kid next to them, but one thing they lack is meanness! They are so genuinely "nice" (and, yes, that's the perfect word:)), I hurt for them been constantly exposed to disappointing reactions. It is so difficult to explain that! Really, I can't explain it!:confused: I am proud of them being different, but am aware that homeschooling "robs" them of the opportunity to getting used to this weird behaviour... They are both in a camp this week and every evening it's one or the other crying... How do you help your girls (kids) deal with this??? BTW, I addressed girls more specifically, because I can't shake the feeling that there is something very particular about pre-teens / young teen girls that drives this kind of interaction.:001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth in MN Posted October 25, 2012 Share Posted October 25, 2012 (edited) Are the girls who make the one-off comments generally nice or generally mean? Edited October 26, 2012 by Elizabeth in MN spelling Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amy g. Posted October 25, 2012 Share Posted October 25, 2012 I'm glad to say that my girls have not had/do not put up with ANY meaness from their friends. They have public school and homeschool friends who are nice ALL of the time. If a girl makes an off the cuff hateful comment, that is the last contact she will have with my family. I have been so happy to see how they and their friends are different from the stereotypes of preteen and teenage girls. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosy Posted October 25, 2012 Share Posted October 25, 2012 We talk about whether or not what someone says is true ("Is it true that you have an ugly nose? No? Then don't worry about what that girl said.") We talk about forgiveness, and the fact that we all make mistakes, even if they're different mistakes than what someone else makes. We talk about seeking to please the people who are important to us--God, family, and close friends, and not worrying about the opinions of others. We talk about choosing friends who accept us the way they are. We talk about what is within our control and what is outside of our control. We engage in activities that promote confidence and a positive self-image. We talk about how bullies and mean kids are often insecure, and that we can make a difference by being kind in response (when it's safe). We nurture healthy friendships. My response to a kid who came home crying would be something like, "I'm sorry they said that to you. That must have really hurt. I don't know why they would say something like that, but I think you're a great kid. You are always nice to people and a great reader and ______. Have you made any friends? Maybe we could see if she can come over tomorrow after camp." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted October 25, 2012 Share Posted October 25, 2012 but am aware that homeschooling "robs" them of the opportunity to getting used to this weird behaviour...... BTW, I addressed girls more specifically, because I can't shake the feeling that there is something very particular about pre-teens / young teen girls that drives this kind of interaction.:001_huh: Homeschoolers are not per se different-the only difference is that the parents are more ready to interfere. Believe me, there is plenty of girl meanness going on among homeschooled preteen/young teen girls. If your girls need exposure, join a homeschool group or coop. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deacongirl Posted October 25, 2012 Share Posted October 25, 2012 Read Rosalind Wiseman's books and blog. She also has a curriculum that is worthwhile checking out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plucky Posted October 25, 2012 Share Posted October 25, 2012 Homeschoolers are not per se different-the only difference is that the parents are more ready to interfere. Believe me, there is plenty of girl meanness going on among homeschooled preteen/young teen girls.If your girls need exposure, join a homeschool group or coop. Amen! My older girl did not have any problems, but our local 12-14 girl hs christian girls are nasty and mean. The moms are oblivious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
labst60 Posted October 25, 2012 Share Posted October 25, 2012 I had a similar situation yesterday with my 7.5 yo and "mean-ness" (at a church program of all places....) I'm such at a loss on how to handle it..... I know it's "normal", but that doesn't make it okay, kwim?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stripe Posted October 25, 2012 Share Posted October 25, 2012 Yuck. My daughter experiences this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted October 25, 2012 Share Posted October 25, 2012 (edited) . Edited October 26, 2012 by LibraryLover Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted October 26, 2012 Share Posted October 26, 2012 I am no expert by any means, but one tactic that helps here is to give my daughters some ammunition, some way to respond, not in a hurtful way, e.g., "Well, my nose may be ugly, but you're fat," but in a more constructive way, "Why would you tell someone her nose is ugly? That's a strange thing to say to a friend. Did you have prunes for breakfast again? Bethany says you said I am not your friend. Is that really what you said?" Alternatively, give them ways to engage other girls who might be nicer and can offer an avenue away from the meanies: "Hi, my name is Suzy Q. What is yours? How long have you been going to church here? What cute shoes--is pink your favorite color?" You get the idea. I think it is helpful for girls to feel empowered, and role-playing some responses or tactics can help that. Responses that seem so easy to us are not necessarily intuitive to girls that age. I also think it is important to affirm the hurt, not brush it off with, "I don't care what anybody says, you're beautiful, and she is just jealous." Yes, she's beautiful, but it still sucks to be told otherwise by some twit at co-op! Terri Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted October 26, 2012 Share Posted October 26, 2012 Rebecca had some difficulties when she moved to her new gym back in May. There was a mass exodus of girls, though, so I'm wondering if the mean ones left. She's had no problems recently. It was hard, because she's just so open and friendly and means nobody any harm, yet one girl just snapped at her for saying hello. I told her that sometimes people have bad days, and for now that's fine because nobody is bothering her on a regular basis. She is one of two homeschooled girls on her team, out of about 20. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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