How do you explain "m*olestation" to children?

[Juniper]

My boys are very sports oriented. Today alone they have caught brief snipits of Sanduskey and a local Houston coach child p*rn issue. They asked me what the coaches did, and I didn't know how to respond. They are 10, we have had the s*x talk, but I do not know how to (or if I should) explain this type of thing.

 

My response was to say it was bad, but we would talk when they were older. They asked if they murdered a child, I said no, but it was really bad. They have no idea, and I want to keep them innocent. OTOH, I want them aware. They have many coaches in their lives, look up to them, and admire them. We have talked about never being alone, and that they can tell us anything, but it doesn't seem like enough.

 

Ideas? Thoughts?

[regentrude]

I would explain that the man has been touching the boy's private body parts. At age 10, I sure hope your sons are aware that nobody is supposed to do this! I definitely think kids need to be aware that this is not OK and that if somebody tries to do that they must tell a parent. This is not about keeping them innocent, but about keeping them safe.

[Unicorn.]

How about telling them the men touched kids in inappropriate places, and leave it at that. I know it doesn't even begin to cover it, but maybe it's enough w/out being too much.

[Jean in Newcastle]

What they said. Plus add that if anyone wants to touch their privates or take a picture of their privates or show them a picture of privates, that they should tell you. Even if the person is "nice" and tells them that it should be secret from you.

[justLisa]

I'm sure you've talked about inappropriate touching? I would probably say something about the kids were brave and came forward with what he did to them and he needs to be in jail away from people. And a good opportunity to talk about personal safety and always trust that mom is there to listen to any problems.

 

That's just a real tough one. But I would probably stress that the kids who were harmed were very brave to tell authorities, and he does have to pay for what he did.

[TranquilMind]

Juniper: They are 10, we have had the s*x talk, but I do not know how to (or if I should) explain this type of thing.

 

My response was to say it was bad, but we would talk when they were older. They asked if they murdered a child, I said no, but it was really bad. They have no idea, and I want to keep them innocent.

 

 

I think you need to be specific. "Bad" isn't very meaningful and they could construe it all kinds of ways. You need to specifically tell them what happened and that no one is ever to touch them without their and your permission. And that if it feels uncomfortable, to get out of the situation, no matter what.

[LucyStoner]

I am pretty explicit. I have been there, sexually assaulted at age 11 and I don't believe that kids are kept safer by not knowing or wondering what stuff is. I want my kids to know what sexual abuse is so they can name it, identify it and know they need and can tell and get help were it, God forbid, ever to happen to them. I have told my 9 year old (who knows the age appropriate basics about sex) that while most people are attracted sexually to adults, there are some who are attracted to children and there are others who like to hurt people as a means to make themselves feel better. This is wrong and a crime and no one has the right to do that or be sexual with a child. Thankfully most people are not like this but to never believe someone who wants you to keep a secret from your parents or threatens you.

[i.love.lucy]

In "Protecting the Gift" DeBecker talks about telling your kids about someone wanting to touch them, wanting the child to touch the adult, wanting to see their body, showing them the adults body, showing them pictures, and even just trying to get the child alone with them. He does talk a lot about the instinct that something isn't right here, and that even children have this instinct and should trust it. I had this talk with my kids even before having the s3x talk. I want both of them to trust their "creep-out meter".

[Bassoonaroo]

Also, be aware that the mahllustayshun happens often after a time of grooming.

 

Kids should know that:

 

Adults don't generally ask kids for help. "Help me find my lost dog; I have candy if you help." Child should ignore or answer, "I don't help grown ups. Let me go get my dad." The exception would be a terrible accident where the child can call 911 and even stop bleeding of a huge cut. But that's totally different.

 

Adults don't befriend children one-on-one. In groups (such as a track team, drama club, or community band) you might see adults talking to kids in a group situation ("Wow, nice flute you have there..." or "Hey, kid, your shoe's untied." but there shouldn't be any sort of, "Let's go to my apartment and play drums.")

 

Adults don't tell their problems to kids. "Sorry, you need to talk to another adult about that."

 

If an adult gives a child a gift (or a card or a note, including electronic), the child must tell mom and dad. Better yet, the child should say no, and still tell mom and dad.

 

Let your children know your family rules. Our teens are not to ride in cars alone with non-relative adults men. We explained to our kids that this protects not only our children but also the men in our lives. Of course, it protects children by always having another person in the car in case the driver IS a bad person. And, it protects the driver because he'll never be accused of being alone in a car with a child that's not his, which can appear inappropriate. We even use this rule with our pastor who we think is a great guy. It's easier to have an absolute boundary than to have to draw arbitrary lines ("This man is okay but that man is not.") We also impose this standard on other children. So, if we have a child visiting who needs a ride home, either I (Mom) give the ride home or DH gives the ride home but one or more of our children rides with them. Why don't we have this standard for women? I really don't know... I guess I feel safe with women (plus there are very few situations where my kids ride alone with a non-relative woman).

 

Another rule is that nobody touches the parts covered by a bathing suit. The doctor might have reason to but you'll know ahead of time and you won't be alone with the doctor.

 

If you don't like a touch from even an aunt or uncle you can tell them, "I don't like that." Then talk to mom or dad...

 

Children should know that these folks can be strangers or folks you know, even relatives. You can tell them that when they are sad or lonely they can bottle it up and it comes out as an attack.

[NittanyJen]

At ten, my son knew that rape was having sex with somebody without their permission, and that really messed up adults might try to form a sexual relationship with children, who do not have the maturity yet to consent to this, and to understand all the issues about imbalances of power between a grown-up and a kid and so on, and therefore cannot really know enough to really give permission.

 

This is why this difference between a healthy adult and an unhealthy adult is that a healthy adult can mentor a kid and listen, but will not ever try to be a kid's "best friend," "tell them secrets," or tell them things that should only be shared with another adult and put adult responsibilities on the kid. Those are some danger signs that need to be disclosed to Mom and Dad right away, as healthy adults know that kids need to have kids as best friends and that adults don't make kids keep secrets from their families. Healthy adults don't turn to kids for help without checking with their grown-up first (we will discuss nuances of this later, such as noticing and assisting an elderly person or someone in a wheelchair or on crutches with a door or a dropped item after asking them if they would like help etc; anyone can be COURTEOUS regardless of age).

 

Knowing these facts has helped my son to differentiate between a "stranger" smiling and saying hi as we walk into a store, vs a stranger asking him for help looking for a dog-- the guidelines say-- an adult should not ask a kid for help, but should go through the grown-ups first. Smiling and saying hi is just fine. When overhearing the news or seeing a newspaper headline, he understands what he has heard or seen, but generally he doesn't seek the details. It doesn't seem to have disturbed him as a human being, despite being a very sensitive kid.

 

As a family, we have never really been in the "not able to talk about stuff" mindset.

[Guest submarines]

I agree with those that you need to be specific. If they don't know what it is, they might not be able to assess a potentilly dangerous situation.

 

Let's say a coach shows a child an inappropriate photo to test their reaction. For a variety of reasons a child might not interpret this as something bad "enough" if they are imagining things "as bad or worse as murder." Or a coach who singles out a child and talks about inviting him to his house. I don't think a child would interpret this as "bad" even if he might feel uncomfortable.

[Juniper]

I'm sure you've talked about inappropriate touching? I would probably say something about the kids were brave and came forward with what he did to them and he needs to be in jail away from people. And a good opportunity to talk about personal safety and always trust that mom is there to listen to any problems.

 

That's just a real tough one. But I would probably stress that the kids who were harmed were very brave to tell authorities, and he does have to pay for what he did.

 

Most assuredly! :D We do talk a lot. Just last week I had the opening to broach the subject about boyfriend/girlfriend abuse and that girls can be abusers just like boys.

 

It was one of those things that I realized I had focused on being open, talking about s*xuality in a positive, non-shaming way, that I had never broached the specifics of what "bad touching" was.

 

We have a couple people in our life that the boys know they are not supposed to be alone with...no matter what. They serve as altar boys, and even though we love our priests dearly, we have instructed the boys to never go alone with someone (in Orthodox churches this is almost impossible, unless you leave them there for long lengths of time).

 

But, I could sense I had reached a place where they needed to know more. :(

 

I think it is that I am really broaching three subjects. Male to male child attraction, forced s*xual experiences and adult to child experiences. Ugh!

[Laurie4b]

I would explain that the man has been touching the boy's private body parts. At age 10, I sure hope your sons are aware that nobody is supposed to do this! I definitely think kids need to be aware that this is not OK and that if somebody tries to do that they must tell a parent. This is not about keeping them innocent, but about keeping them safe.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

Naive kids are a set up for a predator--and they don't have to be alone for a predator to get sexual gratification from a kid. (Think of the men you sometimes read about on subways getting real tight behind a woman.) Where there is a will, there is a way, and kids who have been taught something about how it usually progresses are more equipped to cut it off at an earlier stage.

 

I don't think this destroys a child's innocence. I think as regentrude said, it actually protects their innocence.

 

I would actually be glad for the opportunity to explain what happened: Sandusky pretended to be friends with boys, gave them all kinds of gifts and special perks, and then began to touch them in ways that made the boys uncomfortable. Eventually, he touched private parts. "Unfortunately, this happens and as your parents, we would want to know if you ever feel even kind of uncomfortable with anyone."

 

And with Sandusky, some of the kids never told an adult until they were adults themselves and now they really wish they had: partly to protect themselves and partly to protect other kids.

 

I was telling our boys about the touch rules from about the time they were 3. They took it all very matter-of-factly. I would elaborate/reinforce when something like this hit the news.

Edited October 20, 2012 by Laurie4b

[justLisa]

Most assuredly! :D We do talk a lot. Just last week I had the opening to broach the subject about boyfriend/girlfriend abuse and that girls can be abusers just like boys.

 

It was one of those things that I realized I had focused on being open, talking about s*xuality in a positive, non-shaming way, that I had never broached the specifics of what "bad touching" was.

 

We have a couple people in our life that the boys know they are not supposed to be alone with...no matter what. They serve as altar boys, and even though we love our priests dearly, we have instructed the boys to never go alone with someone (in Orthodox churches this is almost impossible, unless you leave them there for long lengths of time).

 

But, I could sense I had reached a place where they needed to know more. :(

 

I think it is that I am really broaching three subjects. Male to male child attraction, forced s*xual experiences and adult to child experiences. Ugh!

 

That is the hardest thing. None of these things are easy to talk about especially with kids :grouphug:

[stripe]

Also, be aware that the mahllustayshun happens often after a time of grooming.

 

Kids should know that:

...

 

this is an excellent list, thank you!

[Plateau Mama]

 

 

I would actually be glad for the opportunity to explain what happened: Sandusky pretended to be friends with boys, gave them all kinds of gifts and special perks, and then began to touch them in ways that made the boys uncomfortable. Eventually, he touched private parts. "Unfortunately, this happens and as your parents, we would want to know if you ever feel even kind of uncomfortable with anyone."

 

.

 

What a perfect explanation!

 

My pediatrician has the inappropriate talk with the kids every year when they have their physical. Gives them the explination and then explains why she needs to check down there, reminds them that I am in the room and asks their permission. She does this as soon as they can understand.

[Juniper]

Also, be aware that the mahllustayshun happens often after a time of grooming.

 

Kids should know that:

 

Adults don't generally ask kids for help. "Help me find my lost dog; I have candy if you help." Child should ignore or answer, "I don't help grown ups. Let me go get my dad." The exception would be a terrible accident where the child can call 911 and even stop bleeding of a huge cut. But that's totally different.

 

Adults don't befriend children one-on-one. In groups (such as a track team, drama club, or community band) you might see adults talking to kids in a group situation ("Wow, nice flute you have there..." or "Hey, kid, your shoe's untied." but there shouldn't be any sort of, "Let's go to my apartment and play drums.")

 

Adults don't tell their problems to kids. "Sorry, you need to talk to another adult about that."

 

If an adult gives a child a gift (or a card or a note, including electronic), the child must tell mom and dad. Better yet, the child should say no, and still tell mom and dad.

 

Let your children know your family rules. Our teens are not to ride in cars alone with non-relative adults men. We explained to our kids that this protects not only our children but also the men in our lives. Of course, it protects children by always having another person in the car in case the driver IS a bad person. And, it protects the driver because he'll never be accused of being alone in a car with a child that's not his, which can appear inappropriate. We even use this rule with our pastor who we think is a great guy. It's easier to have an absolute boundary than to have to draw arbitrary lines ("This man is okay but that man is not.") We also impose this standard on other children. So, if we have a child visiting who needs a ride home, either I (Mom) give the ride home or DH gives the ride home but one or more of our children rides with them. Why don't we have this standard for women? I really don't know... I guess I feel safe with women (plus there are very few situations where my kids ride alone with a non-relative woman).

 

Another rule is that nobody touches the parts covered by a bathing suit. The doctor might have reason to but you'll know ahead of time and you won't be alone with the doctor.

 

If you don't like a touch from even an aunt or uncle you can tell them, "I don't like that." Then talk to mom or dad...

 

Children should know that these folks can be strangers or folks you know, even relatives. You can tell them that when they are sad or lonely they can bottle it up and it comes out as an attack.

 

Thank you for this list. We just had a quick family pow wow as we dished the Friday night ice cream. ;) I had spoken in more ambiguous terms before, about anyone making them uncomfortable, trusting their gut, not being alone. We had even talked about bad touching and good touching, but I had not pulled all the threads together and it was time.

 

It was much easier than I thought. Dh was right there and being a Pastor for many years (and coach) he added quite a few points and even brought up, "That is why you are never alone...or we are never alone with one of your friends," and "There will be times we do not let you do things, but that is...." and my son finished, "Because you love us and want to keep us safe." :D

 

I have one son who picks up more than I realized from the news. We do not keep it on much, but he caught the news report a couple months ago where a father killed a man trying to drag away his little girl.

[SandhillsRanchMama]

There are soo many great thoughts on here for how to talk about to your kids. Having worked in this field.... I want to just add a few things.

 

Be specific. Don't say "don't let anyone touch you." Say..."don't let Uncle Bob touch you. If Uncle Bob touches you, you need to tell me." Kids think of "anyone" as stranger danger. But studies show its generally someone they know and trust. I name all the people that are with my kids and tell them specifically who is allowed to touch and not touch.

 

Also.... tell your kids that we never let people put anything in our mouth. They will probably think fingers... but adults know its more than that. Again, if Uncle bob tries to put anything in your mouth you need to tell mommy.

 

Explain to kids that nothing bad will happen. Sometimes abusers tell kids that their mom already knows and she says its ok. Or that if they tell they will kill their dog. Kids assume that mom knows everything (don't we tell our kids that we have eyes in the back of our head? ) They think its true... of course its not!

 

One more thing. Good touch/bad touch isn't really a great thing to say. Because the thing is bad touches.... feel good! And should. That is the way a body works. A bad touch is hitting, punching. A secret touch is when someone tell you not to tell. You tell your child to tell and to keep telling the same story until someone finally listens.

 

The best protection is talking about this to your kids. The naive kids with parents who don't care and aren't involved are really at risk. Lets not be those!

[MrsH]

I didn't read all the replies, but we center it all around "the rules of touching." Those rules include not touching others where a bathing suit would cover; you always have to ask permission to touch or give permission to be touched; it's ok to explore your own body when you're alone, it's private; at this age, nobody needs to touch you where a bathingsuit would cover unless you and your parent say it's ok.

 

In your case, I'd say "a man broke the rules of touching with a kid. It's always the grown-up's fault when that happen and now a judge will decide what to do. Remember that it's not ok for a grown-up to touch a child where a bathing suit would cover." I might add something about how great it is that the kid(s) told a grown-up so that this person can't break the rules of touching with anyone else.

 

I think keeping it very concrete ("it breaks the rules") rather than moral is easier for kids to process. If they ask questions then you'll probably need to delve more into it, but I think a lot of kids would go "oh, ok" and go play.

[NittanyJen]

It's always the grown-up's fault when that happens

 

Another excellent point above.

[mom4him]

I would explain that the man has been touching the boy's private body parts. At age 10, I sure hope your sons are aware that nobody is supposed to do this! I definitely think kids need to be aware that this is not OK and that if somebody tries to do that they must tell a parent. This is not about keeping them innocent, but about keeping them safe.

 

:iagree: I have explained this as the person touched the child's private areas and although my two at 11 and 12 are still very innocent I have talked to them about their private parts and not allowing anyone to touch them there.