adoption attachment issue?

[bethben]

My dd has been with us for over 3 years. The first year or so was pretty rough as she is a strong willed child. For the past year, she has been well behaved, snuggly, comes to us when hurt, overall a pleasant child (even considering her feisty personality). Recently, my oldest has been having back issues and I have needed to take care of him quite a bit. It seems like the bottom has dropped out of this child who I thought was properly attached. She is hiding from us, running from us, and I am likening it to hugging a viper. She's screaming at me over little things and has gone back to hitting me (which she literally hasn't done in two years). She can go from sweet to venom in less than a minute. Her sweet side comes out as acting like a baby. I have no idea what to do. And please don't suggest counseling because that would require an hour's drive time and I am barely hanging on with a thread right now.

 

I am thinking seriously of sending her to preschool because frankly, I'm totally overwhelmed with her brother right now aside from homeschooling the other two boys (homeschooling has become a highlight in my day - I do enjoy it). The last time my oldest had back issues, it took months before he was back to normal. I feel like maybe if we were away from each other, it would be better for everyone involved. She wants to learn how to write and read and I think even that would be best to stop right now due to the chaos she is putting on us. I'm at the end of myself.

 

Beth

[Impish]

I wouldn't put her in preschool.

 

Reasoning being, I think she would interpret that as you getting rid of her (kids are weird) and that you don't want her around anymore.

 

Really, the last thing you want.

 

Many kids have a melt down when there's a change, esp if it means that someone else is getting the majority of the attention. They're jealous, and acting out is a way to get your attention focused on them again.

[starwarsmomma]

My foster girls would fake serious ailments and demand to go to the ER every.single.time. my middle son had lung issues.

 

They could not handle the sudden extra attention he was getting (to keep him BREATHING!) when it meant they had to sit and watch-- they associated it with THEIR LOSS OF ATTENTION.

 

They were fine as long as they got their self-defined amount of affection/attention/love...

The second that changed, they could NOT handle it. They would do anything to get it back.

 

After talking to some other foster moms, I was told this is quite normal. Their advice to me is to ensure they are safe/cared for but ignore ANYTHING that is a demand for attention. Dont give positive or negative responses when it is an attempt for attention.

[SKL]

This is tough. My dds have been home for 5 years, and I still get a bit of this at stressful times. When it comes to jealousy, one of my dds has the maturity of a 3yo if that.

 

I think the solution is to meet her where she's at for a while. Let some long-term things go so you can give her frequent reassurance. Make sure she understands why you're doing for the sibling and that it has nothing to do with caring more about anyone. If practical, see if you can get her involved in the sibling's care (or supporting you through it in some way) and show lots of appreciation for every effort. Give her a little grace, because the fact is that in some ways, she's younger than her chronological age.

 

I would ask her if she would like to go to preschool (at a happy moment). If she says yes, go for it, but if not, I would wait until things settle down. If she does go, make a big deal of fussing over "her" exciting milestone.

 

Is it possible for you to get someone else to care for your son a bit while you do something one-on-one with your daughter?

 

Good luck!

[Pamela H in Texas]

And I'm going to suggest the very opposite of Joyful...I would, as soon as possible, turn my attention to her. I would empathize with her fear (of losing attention, of not getting her needs met, of her sibling's pain, etc). I would be as close as she'd let me, ideally touching/hugging/rocking.

 

I am also going to suggest some proactive attention, love, "banking." The first and last four minutes of the day are the most important. Another 5-10 minutes here and there as you can. If you can teach her to read and write in ways that are non-threatening, part of it could be that, but it would probably be better to read together, play HER games, be silly, rock, talk about the good things in the time period prior, etc.

 

The more you help her get her needs met in positive ways and the more she stays regulated, the better she would do.

 

I tried to come up with an answer like they would on Heather Forbes' Daily Parenting Reflections email group but I am SO stinky at it still. I try really hard, but I have a hard time. I'm sure they'd say something like "It is scary that brother's back hurts so much, isn't it? This is a scary change for all of us and I am here for you even when I'm helping him, I promise. And it is scary when mommy has to devote so much time to him right now, huh? You are probably afraid mommy can't spend as much time with you. Mommy will be here for you." And then if you have time right then, you could suggest she chooses something (or you could give her a limited choice like play barbies or a neat new game with a cotton ball). If you don't have much more time right then, you could offer her to help you if at all possible....but even if not, you can suggest that she can choose a game to play during quiet time or after supper or whatever. Of course, more than anything, you need to keep any date you make with her, even if it is only 10 minutes.

 

Change and medical issues can be hard for ANY child in ANY family. Our children struggle with them SO much more. Fearful behaviors need to be met with love and attention, showing that as much as possible, you still love them and will meet their needs. And help them find healthy ways to be involved, get their needs met, and behave appropriately.

 

Kids do better when they CAN do better. Help her be able to and she will.

[emzhengjiu]

:grouphug::grouphug: Is there any way you can get extra help during the day for your son to give you time to spend with your daughter? Family, friends, church members??? Attachment disorders can have life-long consequences. I agree about giving her extra attention, not less. Typical parenting advice doesn't work very well with children who are not securely attached to their parents. Praying for wisdom and strength for you!

[michelle l]

You might also look into some of the books/conferences by Karyn Purvis as I hear very good things about her work. http://empoweredtoconnect.org/ I haven't read "The Connected Child" yet, but friends have said she is just very intuitive about what kids need in general, and found it helpful in parenting their bio kiddos as well.

[Denise in IN]

:grouphug::grouphug: Is there any way you can get extra help during the day for your son to give you time to spend with your daughter? Family, friends, church members??? Attachment disorders can have life-long consequences. I agree about giving her extra attention, not less. Typical parenting advice doesn't work very well with children who are not securely attached to their parents. Praying for wisdom and strength for you!

 

Agreeing with this! I would not send her to preschool. But it sounds like you are being stretched thin. If at all possible, please get some help for yourself. There are probably some things you're doing that others could do instead, but only you can be Mom for your little ones!

Edited October 18, 2012 by Denise in IN

[LittleIzumi]

Another vote that preschool will make things much worse. If she's this upset about attention being focused on ds, how much will she freak out when she's home about being sent "away" to preschool? :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Laurie4b]

Agree with those who are saying more attention, not less. When she wants to be treated like a baby, I would go the whole 9 yards. Our 12 year old foster son used to ask dh to "carry me like a baby." (only at home; otherwise he was rough and tough.) Dh would do that. He didn't ask often and that phase passed quickly, but the therapist told us it was important to go back to get the stuff he'd missed. It sounds like your dd is doing something similar and that she needs to be "babied" again to reassure herself given what you are having to do for ds.

 

I also agree with those who have said to get any help you possibly can: family members, church friends, etc. who can bring a meal, do some laundry, etc.

[besroma]

I agree to fill the void she is feeling with more attention, ddoing things that matter to her (playing dolls, reading her books, cuddling, taking a walk with her.....).

 

I hope things get better soon. :grouphug:

[mybluesky]

I also agree with pulling her close and giving her as much attention as you can right now. Fill her "love tank" and help her feel extra special. I know that is so much easier to say than to do, especially with all you have going on right now. Maybe getting her to be your special helper as you care for your son? Praise every positive behavior like crazy.

 

My dd, who was adopted at 13 months, was home about two years when we had to move to a different state. My sweet girl started acting physically abusive towards family and even friends. It was awful. I finally called her pediatrician to ask about getting help, and he wisely reminded me that the last time she had moved, she had moved away from everyone and everything she knew. I just hadn't been looking at it through her eyes. Maybe your son's illness reminds your dd of something from her past. If nothing else, having your attention diverted, and picking up on some of the stress you no doubt feel, is bringing up insecurities. I now believe, after adopting three times, that even if a child was adopted at a relatively young age, they have experienced having EVERYTHING in their lives taken away, and that kind of experience is remembered subconsciously if not consciously. It forms part of their understanding of the world - the fact that nothing is 100% secure and that it can change against their will at any time. Taken in light of that, it makes sense to me that your daughter might be acting the way she is. Pull her close, guard her heart, give her more of yourself than you think you would need to.

 

Huge hugs to you. In the end, this experience, and learning she is loved even through insecurities and bad behavior, may just make her that much less insecure in the end. After we moved, my daughter finally seemed securely attached. It's as though she unpacked her mental bags and realized she was here in our family to stay. I'm grateful for that move now, even though at the time it was so hard, because it cemented in her mind that regardless of her behavior, where our family goes, so does she.

[Haiku]

Another vote for no preschool. I'm sure your daughter is securely attached. But the situation with your son is threatening to her sense of security and stability. I would try to include her more, not less, in your daily life, as well as talking to her about how caring for her brother means things are different in the home and you know that can be upsetting. Ask her what she needs to feel better. She may surprise you.

 

And try to get some help.

 

Tara

[jenncslp]

I think preschool would make it worse in the long run too. I second what other's said...bank up all that love. You may have to regress in terms of doing more for her, even though she could do it herself, but it really can help with the attachment.

 

I would try to read/watch some things by Karen Purvis. Also, there is a book I really liked called "Parenting the Hurt Child". It gave lists of activities and things you could do to help with attachment/connections. I found it very helpful.

 

Big :grouphug:!

[bethben]

I'm wondering how much is her past and how much is her diet. I had her on the Dianne Craft supplement diet for months and have been slacking on it. In addition there has been a lot of sugar in the house due to birthday season. So, my first step is to put her back on that diet and see if that helps. I too am hesitant to put her into any school because she is so peer dependent. If the group told her to jump off the roof, she would. She's very social - she just has no discernment.

 

I also have some suspicions of what happened in her orphanage due to her reaction to sick babies. I'll never truly know since they were viewed from a toddler's point of view and may not have the full picture.

 

I am also dropping phonics lessons for her. She can do it, but they're hard for her. I'll try again next year and they should be a bit easier and less frustrating.

 

Beth

[LittleIzumi]

I'm wondering how much is her past and how much is her diet. I had her on the Dianne Craft supplement diet for months and have been slacking on it. In addition there has been a lot of sugar in the house due to birthday season. So, my first step is to put her back on that diet and see if that helps. I too am hesitant to put her into any school because she is so peer dependent. If the group told her to jump off the roof, she would. She's very social - she just has no discernment.

 

I also have some suspicions of what happened in her orphanage due to her reaction to sick babies. I'll never truly know since they were viewed from a toddler's point of view and may not have the full picture.

 

I am also dropping phonics lessons for her. She can do it, but they're hard for her. I'll try again next year and they should be a bit easier and less frustrating.

 

Beth

 

Sounds good! Cuddle together and read books aloud instead of having phonics lessons. It's still sort of phonics, plus bonding, and less stress on her!