Could you be friends with someone who thinks you're doing something terrible?

[WIS0320]

I agree with the others - in spite of the one broad statement, I'd interpret this as being about her own internal issues, i.e., not about you and what you do, just a little coda to her blog. I certainly wouldn't give up a dear friend over this, and I probably wouldn't even bring up the subject unless she wanted to discuss it (but then, I try to avoid all conflict).

 

Totally agree. She formed her opinions about society, parenting and life in general and now has a personal situation that doesn't match those beliefs. It would be like a person who became enamored with Ayn Rand and extreme capitalism in college and then 10 years later desperately needing food stamps or WIC to help feed her children through a financially desperate period.

 

This isn't about homeschooling, it is more about this woman trying to process what she believes to be true while realizing that those beliefs do not match up with her personal life and the needs of her child. It would be a tough position to be in and her blog is a place where she is trying to come to terms with it all.

Edited August 25, 2012 by drexel

[DianeW88]

:iagree: There is no discussion. You are doing something, elitist, socially irresponsible, bad for women, that she hates. To me the question remains, is there respect? Only you could answer that, because it doesn't come across in her blog posts.

 

Bingo!! I think that's it. Of course, this is just my opinion...and being completely outside your friendship, I really have no idea what I'm talking about, but here goes:

 

I'm wondering if you're feeling that she has absolutely no respect at all for you or for what you're doing. That would be very painful for me if it was coming from someone whom I considered a good friend.

 

I would be feeling that she must have just been patronizing me when we were together. And I'm not explaining that very well. I guess I mean I would have felt that while I was talking about homeschooling and sharing things about it with her that were important to me, she was sort of mentally patting me on the head and saying, "Well, that's nice dear."

 

And maybe this is just me, but it almost feels like she's saying something along the lines of, "Yes, but if you only knew more or were more enlightened like me, you would see how terrible homeschooling is. Of course, you're not, so I'll just leave you in your own little bubble."

 

It would make me feel like her whole friendship had been insincere and that would hurt.

[Stacia]

There is no discussion. You are doing something, elitist, socially irresponsible, bad for women, that she hates. To me the question remains, is there respect? Only you could answer that, because it doesn't come across in her blog posts.

 

The irony is that this woman is homeschooling, though, regardless of her professed beliefs. That's why I wouldn't be offended at her post. She herself isn't even following what she says she thinks is correct.

 

Plus, w/ all the issues Rivka listed (working, having 3 high-needs teens, caring for an ailing mother, etc...), I really just see her post as a vent of frustration about her own personal situation w/ no real judgement about others.

 

Totally agree. She formed her opinions about society, parenting and life in general and now has a personal situation that doesn't match those beliefs. It would be like a person who became enamored with Ayn Rand and extreme capitalism in college and then 10 years later desperately needing food stamps or WIC to help feed her children through a financially desperate period.

 

This isn't about homeschooling, it is more about this woman trying to process what she believes to be true while realizing that those beliefs do not match up with her personal life and the needs of her child. It would be a tough position to be in and her blog is a place where she is trying to come to terms with it all.

 

:iagree:

[Farrar]

I think there are many, many homeschoolers who would just roll their eyes and dismiss the "society" argument the way that I, personally, would roll my eyes and dismiss an argument that "what you're doing doesn't please God." Homeschoolers on both the left and the right end of the political spectrum seem to trend very libertarian. I think that if you have a clear conviction that your duty is to your own family and that other people's children are their parents' business, or if you believe that society-as-a-whole's needs never trump individual preferences, the "bad for society" argument holds no weight.

 

I (obviously) disagree with my friend about whether homeschooling hurts disadvantaged kids in public schools and undermines liberal society, but I don't think it's an invalid question to ask or an unimportant consideration. We share a commitment to the ideal of a society based in mutual responsibility to each other, which is why her judgment hurts so much.

 

I guess I don't think it's an invalid question either. From a political, rights standpoint, I feel like there's an obvious answer that it would be wrong to deny people the right to homeschool.

 

From a perspective of what's best for society, that's another question. But there's some subtle line between asking that question and saying that the movement is bad for society and that the people engaging in it are bad. I guess I felt like the post crossed that line. But maybe not. I guess I could see it the other way.

 

What you said about her not really wanting to engage in a respectful debate would probably bother me too though.

[melmichigan]

The irony is that this woman is homeschooling, though, regardless of her professed beliefs. That's why I wouldn't be offended at her post. She herself isn't even following what she says she thinks is correct.

 

Plus, w/ all the issues Rivka listed (working, having 3 high-needs teens, caring for an ailing mother, etc...), I really just see her post as a vent of frustration about her own personal situation w/ no real judgement about others.

 

 

 

:iagree:

 

She dedicated a whole post to HSLDA and made sure to distinguish that her daughter was attending a distance education high school, that she had oversight, while struggling with the fact that it's still homeschooling. If she was that upset about those circumstances, and reading her other posts regarding homeschoolers in general you really wonder what she is thinking about Rivka's choices. There was a whole heck of a lot of distancing herself from homeschoolers, I'm sure to validate her choice, while cutting homeschooling off at the knees at every turn to say that this was just venting.

[IdahoHomeschooler]

I read several of her entries, and what struck me is that her issue isn't homeschooling, but rather a certain brand of Christianity. She perceives that homeschooling is dominated by this type of Christian.

 

Quote:

Although the contemporary homeschooling movement began with radical, anti-establishment hippies, the dominant force in homeschooling now is conservative, evangelical Christians. I absolutely support a person’s right to religious freedom, but I have serious doubts that my support is reciprocated.

Lack of religious freedom is less directed at me, however, than it is toward children in these religious families. Vision Forum provides one of the most popular homeschooling curricula in the country (it may be the most popular, but I don’t have data to be sure).

 

I looked up the "most popular homeschooling curricula" she is referring to, and most of it I have never heard of. She does admit, in her latest post, to having developed an obsession with fundamentalist Christians. She seems to really value religious tolerance, so perhaps it is easier to label herself anti-homeschooling, than anti-Christian?

 

What I found rather amusing was her post on her daughter and algebra. She details how her daughter was out of school for 3/4 of the year, and was given a passing grade in algebra, because of the work she did the first 1/4. She then went on to easily pass a test to prove mastery in the subject, took algebra2, and geometry, which she also passed, and got hung up on precalc because she didn't know algebra. Ironically, this all occurred at public school! Imagine that.

 

I think your friendship with this person is safe, unless you become a fundamentalist Christian ;), or begin to tire of the hypocrisy.

[Stacia]

She dedicated a whole post to HSLDA and made sure to distinguish that her daughter was attending a distance education high school, that she had oversight, while struggling with the fact that it's still homeschooling. If she was that upset about those circumstances, and reading her other posts regarding homeschoolers in general you really wonder what she is thinking about Rivka's choices. There was a whole heck of a lot of distancing herself from homeschoolers, I'm sure to validate her choice, while cutting homeschooling off at the knees at every turn to say that this was just venting.

 

Perhaps so. I didn't read any of her other blog posts.

[LucyStoner]

Is she a direct descendent of Horace Mann?

 

I have a lot of friends who are teachers and big public school is best sort of people. I used to be a big public school booster as well (and still support them) but I had to adjust after two school years of hell. My friends and I have a tacit understanding. I don't trash ps and they don't trash me for hs. I don't need to agree with my friends but there needs to be some mutual respect. That goes for a lot of topics.

[Trish]

I dunno, she sounds kind of confused. Homeschooling is bad for society, but she's glad she was able to do it? Wishes another type of school were available, but doesn't have the energy to lobby for one?

 

Fortunately as a parent my job is to do what's right for my kids, not someone's not-well-thought-out opinion of what *might* benefit society. And if she accidentally did what was right for HER child, albeit reluctantly and a with certain degree of guilt, well good for them! Maybe it makes her feel better to criticize the concept of homeschooling publicly as a mea culpa for not sacrificing the interests of her child on the altar of Societal Good, as she defines it.

 

I do understand wanting our friends to love us and respect our choices, but I'd kinda chalk this one up to her Imaginary Ideal World does not match up with her Real World. It's easy to solve society's problems with Theoretical People and Plans, not so easy with Real People and Problems.

 

I guess in the end my take is I'd worry less about whether she respected my choices and opinions, and let her worry what I thought about hers.

[Bee Happy]

After reading her archives, and the final blow being "homeschooling is bad for society"...ABSOLUTELY NOT.

[marbel]

Rivka, a couple of days have gone by. Have you sorted out your feelings enough to talk to your friend yet? I think that is the only way you are going to be able to determine how to move forward. All of us here can give you our opinions on it, but none of us know her enough to make a good assessment of her real intent and feelings based on her blog posts.

 

Sorry if you said something and I missed it. I have been trying to keep up with all the posts.

 

:grouphug:

[Carol in Cal.]

Well, Rivka, I finally got into her blog (and also looked a bit at yours), and I have to say, I think that I would have trouble being friends with her because after reading what she has to say, I don't respect her.

 

She is making foolish arguments, and not considering them thoroughly, and not expressing the kind of nuanced views of someone that I would enjy engaging with. Her writing is simplistic and kind of knee jerk. Yours is a lot more complex and thorough. It seems like quite a mismatch to me.