Is my DD, age 12, the victim of a strict mother?

[ChemMommy]

Does your nearly 13 year old DD have the following items?

 

1. Her own cell phone Nope

2. A t.v. in her bedroom Nope and never will

3. A computer in her bedroom Nope and never will

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color Nope

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear) Nope but she wears earrings that are too long for her age, but I'm not going to fight this one.

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall Nope and never will until she shows discernment over a significant period of time

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss) gloss and blush but I'm not going to make this one a battle

 

 

Earrings and make-up, unless she is trying to look slutty, are not battles I'm going to fight. Modest dress and access to internet/TV ARE battles I'm willing to fight. She'll figure out when long earrings are appropriate overtime, but letting her watch TV without guidance at 12 will only expose her to issues/scenes that will erode her character.

 

BTW, my 12 dd shares a bedroom with two younger siblings and isn't even allowed a radio in her room. All electronics are handled in a public room.

 

Strict? Yes, but mostly I'm guiding her because I believe that God has given me more wisdom about TV/radio/internet than He has given her.

 

 

[HSMom2One]

it sounds to me like yours is the victim of a really GREAT mom! The fact that you'd even poll the board is awesome.

 

Keep up the good work.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

[Renee in NC]

Excellent post!

 

My 15yo ds has long hair, multiple piercings, and his own cell phone. He also has a laptop he uses for school and to watch movies in his room. He buys most of his own clothes and sometimes I don't like them, but I only dictate what he wears when in public with me. He is a good kid who stays out of trouble, loves his mama, and overall is very mature. He is also in school.

 

I did put my foot down about a few things, including a party that he wanted to go to BADLY. However, he accepted my decision without much problem, because I don't make everything a capital case. Holes close up, hair grows out, and teens lose interest in things that aren't "forbidden."

[astrid]

DD just turned 11, and is an only child. Now, and far into the forseeable future, the answers to those questions are as follows:

 

 

1. Her own cell phone NO

2. A t.v. in her bedroom NO

3. A computer in her bedroom NO

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color NO

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear) NO

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall NO (only Lands' End, LL Bean, etc.)

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss) NO

 

So I guess life is tough here, too. Not that dd has ever asked for any of these things, but if she did, the answer would be NO.

 

astrid

[E_Edgerton]

At that age I had very little parental involvement and I still thought everyone and everything was against me. I think it is just the nature of the age for some kids. I got over it and am now a very happy and functioning adult. :) Good luck, I am sure it if tough for you too!

[Peso]

my Dd, age 10, has none of those things.

 

I don't have them either! LOL

 

Fear not, all things in their own time...

 

 

Penny

[RoughCollie]

Wow! Thanks for all the replies. DD was surprised that nearly everyone sounds like me, most especially Doran. :001_smile:

 

For the record:

 

1. DD does not need her own cell phone. She takes mine with her if one is needed. We cannot afford to provide her with a cell phone just for kicks. When the day comes that she needs one, she shall have it.

 

2 & 3. When DD asked for a computer and t.v. in her bedroom, I suggested she request a microwave, too. She said, "Okay. My room will be like my own apartment." Exactly, with or without the microwave.

 

We have 2 computers and they stay in the den. We have 1 t.v. in the living room and that is sufficient.

 

4. DD wants blonde hair. Her hair is waist-length, thick, and chestnut brown. The process, cost, and upkeep associated with dying it blonde -- not to mention the chemicals and her hair being like straw afterwards -- keep me from allowing this. When she can afford to pay for the whole shebang, she can dye her hair or not, as she pleases. Temporary dyes don't work on her hair, and I did let her get some highlights -- but they were not glaringly obvious enough.

 

5. DD was allowed to pierce her ears when she turned 10. She finally had it done last week. Now she wants more holes. I don't mind if she does this, but DH is against it and won't pay for it. So case closed until DD earns the money to achieve this goal.

 

6. I buy DD's clothes from Lands End or LL Bean. The reason is simple. When DD goes to a mall to buy clothing, she finds what I consider to be the sluttiest, cheaply made clothing imaginable. The tops are low-cut (if DD had cleavage, it would show) and short enough to show her stomach if she raises her arms, the pants are worn way below the waist line, the skirts are miniscule, and the clothing is designed to fit skin tight.

 

The bathing suit she wanted this year was cut all the way to the navel, for example.

 

7. DD has a lovely complexion and has no need to wear makeup. I let her wear lip gloss or light colored lipstick when she turned 12. She has no acne, roses in her cheeks, long eyelashes that are black to the tips ... at most, I will let her wear eye shadow when she turns 13.

 

***

 

I know what a lot of girls DD's age look like, and it appalls me that parents let their children leave the house looking like they are in their upper teens *and* like prime boy (or pedophile) bait.

 

We are not having battles over this. She just complains and I get tired of hearing her litany.

 

Thank you all so much for your responses. DD expected only a few responses, and that the majority would agree with her. Boy, was she surprised!

 

DD thinks I don't spoil her enough -- well, I agree with her that if I caved on these issues, she would be spoiled. When I say that, she gets miffed because we use different definitions of spoiled.

 

You all are the best!

 

RC

[phathui5]

I might add a cell phone to our plan so that I could keep track of her when she's out. My mom did that with my brother and called it his electronic leash. She would be responsible for paying for any charges over the normal amount though.

 

These would be fine with me:

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear)

 

I think that putting an emphasis on outward appearance actually encourages rebellion. I don't care if my kids' hair is a blue trihawk and they have six holes in each ear, as long as they're respectful and kind.

[newbie]

DD just turned 11, and is an only child. Now, and far into the forseeable future, the answers to those questions are as follows:

 

 

1. Her own cell phone NO

2. A t.v. in her bedroom NO

3. A computer in her bedroom NO

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color NO

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear) NO

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall NO (only Lands' End, LL Bean, etc.)

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss) NO

 

 

So I guess life is tough here, too. Not that dd has ever asked for any of these things, but if she did, the answer would be NO.

 

astrid

 

Can I be president of the Strict Mom Club. I answered no to all of the above, although they can pick clothes from LTD2 with preapproval. My dd's are 12 and 14.

 

There is plenty of time to grow up.

 

Jet

[Harriet Vane]

Does your nearly 13 year old DD have the following items?

 

1. Her own cell phone

2. A t.v. in her bedroom

3. A computer in her bedroom

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear)

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss)

 

 

My daughter thinks she does not have these things because I am too strict. Everyone else her age and younger has these things. Plus, I am not spoiling her like I should be doing.

 

I told her I'd post this here so we can find out how wonderful other kids have it compared to my DD.

 

Thanks for your responses.

 

RC

 

My dd does not have her own cell phone, though she takes mine if she is going for a walk or to a slumber party. I have two friends whose daughters have cell phones and am not real pleased with how at least one of those girls manages her cell phone privileges.

 

I do not know anyone, including my dd, who has a tv or computer in his/her bedroom.

 

I don't care about hair dye and would allow my dd to dye her hair if it was important to her. I learned this lesson with my little sister years ago. Hair dye washes out or grows out eventually. It's not permanent. It's not an argument worth having. My sister had blue hair for months, after which she switched to fuchsia for even longer. I am far more conservative and have never felt a need to do that to my hair, but it was non-permanent so not worth the argument with my sister. My dd did want to dye her hair pink for a special event--I brought her to the beauty supply shop and showed her the possibilities. She was overwhelmed with the semi-permanent color options (stays in about a month) and chose to go with a spray-on color that washed right out. If she wants to do this again in the future or dye or bleach her hair, that is fine with me, even if it's not my style.

 

On ear-piercing: More than one hole is fine with me, though I would ask dd to wait until she is older, to be sure. I object to bellybutton piercing for modesty reasons. (Although I have a friend who got hers pierced as a special gift for her husband when she was 40. He loves it.) I object to piercings only if they do damage or have a high infection rate. For example, I would never consent to a tongue or lip piercing. For piercing that does not result in nerve damage or pose an infection risk I just ask for a good, long period of time to think it through and make sure.

 

On clothes: If she is spending her own money and the clothes are within our pre-agreed modesty limits then she can choose what she likes. If it's my money we're spending we have to stick to a budget, stick to our modesty rules, but beyond that style is negotiable. I do not dictate personal style, but I do insist on certain limits for modesty and budget (if it's my money).

 

On make-up: It's got to be blended so thoroughly that I cannot tell it's there. This prevents ugly excesses. Dd hardly ever wears make-up but I don't object if I see her wearing lip gloss. We had a long talk about natural beauty and looked at examples of people wearing too much makeup--dd feels good about my allowing her freedom in this area, and I feel good that we have agreed on what is the goal she should shoot for (make-up that enhances but cannot be seen). Dd also enjoys nail polish--she has free reign to do what she likes with that.

[SheilaZ]

I'll answer for my 12.5 yer old son.

My oldest shares his room with his almost 10 year old brother so he doesn't even get his own room.

 

1. Her own cell phone - nope. He can use mine if he happens to be somewhere where I am not.

 

2. A t.v. in her bedroom - no. He can watch TV in 3 other rooms.

 

3. A computer in her bedroom- yes but it has nanny software and he has to share it with anyone else in the household that needs it.

 

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color - I don't have a problem with this. I keep teasing him to dye it. But strangely he is not interested in what mom thinks is cool.

 

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each - not for my sons but my own ears have 2 on one side and three on the other. I wear only one set of earrings these days.

 

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall - I get final approval and will nix most of the really obnoxious t-shirts

 

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss) -Well...he's a boy so no makeup even if he asked for it. But I wore eyeliner, blush, lip gloss, and mascara at age 12.

[Kfamily]

1. no cell phone and maybe not until 16

2. no tv in her room

3. no computer in her room

4. no hair dyes

5. no extra piercing-she just got her first piercing for 11th birthday

6. no clothes at mall but I am letting her have say in what she likes

7. no make-up but lipgloss for fun. My dh doesn't even want her to wear nail polish (except for fun-like sleepovers, etc.) until 13.

 

Luckily dd doesn't really have much interest in this yet and her friends don't either. Her best friend even has two older sisters (12 and 14) who don't have these things.

[myfunnybunch]

1. Her own cell phone ~Yes. Her father got it for her. (She's my child from a previous marriage.) I would not have gotten it, but I've certainly appreciated that she has it.

2. A t.v. in her bedroom ~No. House rules--no tv or computer in the bedrooms.

3. A computer in her bedroom ~No. Both girls have their own laptops--eldest dd purchased her uncle's ancient one for $50; younger dd, another gift from her dad--but they must be used in public areas of the house.

4. Hair that has been dyed blonde or any other color ~No, but her older sister had bright blue hair for a while. It's just hair. They are expected to pay for any hair color/changes other than regular trims, though, which I think will effectively limit my almost-13 y.o.'s hair choices.

5. Ears pierced with 2 or more holes each (DD has one hole per ear) ~No, but I'd be fine with it if she really wanted a second hole and paid for it herself.

6. Clothes of her selection from the mall ~Subject to my approval.

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss) ~Yes, again a gift from her father. I think she's too young, but it's a pick-your-battles kind of an issue, and this is one I'm willing to let go and focus more on how to wear it.

 

I don't think you're too strict at all. Your rules are your rules. Your dd's feelings are perfectly natural, but I'm willing to bet that she's also got many friends who are subject to the same limitations.

 

Cat

[Kris]

7. Makeup -- all kinds (not just lip gloss)

 

I realized after I posted my response on this one that there was a side note. To show that I wasn't being totally unreasonable, I relented --both my daughter and my husband were constantly "on" me about this one -- and agreed that she could wear some makeup at home to "play." This worked for about a week -- until I showed up unexpectedly to pick her up at school and she looked like a hooker. She was about fourteen at the time -- old enough to know better -- and it all went into the trash as soon as we got home.

 

From the posts on this thread, you might be a "mean mom" but it looks like you've got plenty of company. :D