Stellalarella Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 I say the same things over and over and over again to the kids. And because I have the privilege of parenting six children, I have said the same things seemingly thousands of time, year after year. Sometimes I wonder if I should just wake up and have someone pull a string in my back and a voice recorder could just do it for me. I'm experiencing high resentment levels when the kids don't listen. I don't want to be this kind of parent. If there is an exit for this hamster wheel, I would like to get off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ghee Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 I only have three, and I could relate. I tried to imagine them each cloned. I wanted to cry immediately. I have no advice to offer, only a weary nod of my head. I know that I speak the same language they do, I know that they hear me because they look me in the eye and nod or reply when I've said these things, but still they continue to do things over and over. And over. Sigh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stellalarella Posted June 17, 2012 Author Share Posted June 17, 2012 I say the same things over and over and over again to the kids. And because I have the privilege of parenting six children, I have said the same things seemingly thousands of time, year after year.Sometimes I wonder if I should just wake up and have someone pull a string in my back and a voice recorder could just do it for me. I'm experiencing high resentment levels when the kids don't listen. I don't want to be this kind of parent. If there is an exit for this hamster wheel, I would like to get off. Not exit parenting, :001_smile: just exit doing the same thing over and over again :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5LittleMonkeys Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 (edited) Are you repeating things that a note or sign could take care of? I've found that paper, ink, and an unbending set of consequences has served saving my voice and patience quiet well. Your tactics aren't working...try something different. Edited June 17, 2012 by 5LittleMonkeys Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stellalarella Posted June 17, 2012 Author Share Posted June 17, 2012 It's stuff they all know. Get up, make your bed, do your hygiene, clean up after breakfast. Help set the table for lunch. Don't open lotions, potions or perfumes in the van. Hang up your swimsuit. Really, I should not have to say even one of those phrases ever again in my motherhood. At this point, parenting consequences and natural consequences need to take over. I know this, but I find myself saying it again over and over anyway. It's really bad when you're on a hamster wheel, you know you're on a hamster wheel, you've read books about how to get off the hamster wheel, but yet, you are still on the hamster wheel. And I guess quite frankly, it's just been a long day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandylubug Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 It's stuff they all know. Get up, make your bed, do your hygiene, clean up after breakfast. Help set the table for lunch. Don't open lotions, potions or perfumes in the van. Hang up your swimsuit. Really, I should not have to say even one of those phrases ever again in my motherhood. At this point, parenting consequences and natural consequences need to take over. I know this, but I find myself saying it again over and over anyway. It's really bad when you're on a hamster wheel, you know you're on a hamster wheel, you've read books about how to get off the hamster wheel, but yet, you are still on the hamster wheel. And I guess quite frankly, it's just been a long day. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sara in AZ Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 Well I'm right where you are so let me know when you figure out how to get off the wheel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stellalarella Posted June 17, 2012 Author Share Posted June 17, 2012 Oh yeah. :001_smile: I could write a book. You know, like all the books I've read. :001_smile::001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5LittleMonkeys Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 It's stuff they all know. Get up, make your bed, do your hygiene, clean up after breakfast. Help set the table for lunch. Don't open lotions, potions or perfumes in the van. Hang up your swimsuit. Really, I should not have to say even one of those phrases ever again in my motherhood. At this point, parenting consequences and natural consequences need to take over. I know this, but I find myself saying it again over and over anyway. It's really bad when you're on a hamster wheel, you know you're on a hamster wheel, you've read books about how to get off the hamster wheel, but yet, you are still on the hamster wheel. And I guess quite frankly, it's just been a long day. I get where you're coming from...been there more than once. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stellalarella Posted June 17, 2012 Author Share Posted June 17, 2012 I get where you're coming from...been there more than once. :grouphug: If you've seen yourself make progress in this area, what finally did it for you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa in SC Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 (edited) It's stuff they all know. Get up, make your bed, do your hygiene, clean up after breakfast. Help set the table for lunch. Don't open lotions, potions or perfumes in the van. Hang up your swimsuits This is said with care and compassion, because I, too, have been there. This advice may not work for you, it's just what brought results in our home. 1) getting up: alarm clocks, placed across the room, are wonderful tools. If the child still isn't waking, play with bedtime until you achieve a rested child who wakes easily with an alarm. If a child willfully goes back to bed, calmly enact proper consequences (missing a fun activity to make up the time the child overslept....assuming adequate sleep, no illness, etc.) 2) making bed/hygiene/clean up/set table: these are chores. Consider making a chore chart with morning, afternoon, and evening chores listed. The chores are part of being a family. If you choose, you could occasionally reward consistent completion with a fun activity, but in general, failure to do chores is tied to a consequence (more chores happens to be a favorite consequence here...favorite of mine, not of them). 3) potions and lotions in van: don't allow them, or require that they be placed out of reach for the duration of the ride. If you want to teach restraint, tie obeying this rule to a consistent, calm consequence (possibly loss of product for a specified amount of time). 4) swimsuits: provide hooks with a sign that says hang swim stuff here. If the suits aren't hung up, they become mom's property until they are earned back. All of this should be clearly explained. Once. Then, calmly go about enforcing the house rules. The key is to stay calm and refuse to debate. Similar policies have resulted in huge improvements in our home. You will likely be tested. Stay calm and resolute. :grouphug: :001_smile: Edited June 17, 2012 by sclisa Typing on an iPad is not my greatest accomplishment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5LittleMonkeys Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 If you've seen yourself make progress in this area, what finally did it for you? I realized I was becoming "that" mom, who was always yelling and nagging, and just kept repeating the same process over and over but expected different results. I also realized that I was always going to have to repeat things because my dc weren't adults and didn't think, act, or remember things like adults do. One of the most effective strategies I started implementing was determining, with input from my dc, consequences for not following through with expectations, posting them for all to see, and then sticking to them. There was no, "that's not fair", because the dc had come up with the consequences themselves. I started posting signs to remind the dc of different things, like in the bathroom, laundry room, bedrooms, etc. Sometimes I'd try to make them funny. I had several signs that I would post in certain circumstances. For instance, " Your room and it's contents are currently being held for ransom. You can pay off the ransom and regain your property by cleaning the mess you left in the garage. ". If there was something specific I wanted done and didn't feel like engaging in a verbal debate about it I would simply write a note detailing what I wanted done, a time frame, and a consequence for not completing it. Over time, once the dc knew that I wasn't going to keep nagging (and by doing so they kept getting to procrastinate), and that they couldn't engage me in an emotional conflict, and that I followed through with consequences every single time, they began being less adversarial when asked or reminded to do something. I will tell you though that they still have to be reminded of various things that, as an adult, I wouldn't have to be reminded of. That is just the nature of children. However, I do expect that my older dc begin taking more responsibility in remembering so I have them write themselves to do lists and post reminders. Just try different stragedies until you find something effective, and while doing so try to not engage emotionally. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stellalarella Posted June 17, 2012 Author Share Posted June 17, 2012 Thank you for the advice and hugs, all. Bless you, Andrea Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 try reading Love and Logic Magic. It is for younger kids, but I like how they state the principals. And really, you'll get more early success from your younger 2-4 kids anyway. I definitely think you can set your kids up to start taking responsibility. A chart with the morning or evening routine would be a start. My boys had an alarm clock this past year at 3 and 4. Let them worry about what they are supposed to be doing rather than mom going nuts trying to control so many children! IRL, consequences just happen. You aren't going to get multiple chances. Now, I wouldn't be punitive about it, but the consequence should just occur, not be after you nag them, get to a certain decibel level, warn them, etc. So toys, swim wear, etc that people want to keep will be put up, used approrpiately, etc. Of course, one thing to realize is that children are people and it takes time to get some things. No doubt you will still say things a billion times. Find ways to make it fun. We have little sayings. Many times, I'll say the first couple words (or phrase if it is two plus parts) and my kids will pick up the rest. Humor works, sayings/songs work, routines work, predictability works. But in the end, you're teaching responsibility. I also do "thinking skills training." Kids able to think for themselves will make better choices just because they make sense, are within their value system, even that it is in their own best interest. Raising a Thinking Child could be used with your four youngest (you'd focus on the two little ones and the bigger ones would "help"). There is also one for preteens. Hope this helps a little, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 I know someone who has 10 children that has worked out a solution to this problem. She makes a chart for each of her children, and they have to mark off each thing. She is pretty specific on the chart, she has things like brush teeth, change underwear, make bed etc.etc.etc. They are displayed prominently on the lounge-room wall. My children were so mortified to see that her 17 year old son had to mark off every day that he had clean underwear on and had brushed his teeth, that they have begged me to never make charts like that. So My friends charts have helped her not be a stuck record and helped me not be one as well, just the merest hint that I might need to make charts like that have kept me from ever needing to nag. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zuzu822 Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 I attended Sonya Shafer's Charlotte Mason habit training workshop this weekend at the Hartford Convention and she had some things to say about nagging reinforcing the negative habit rather than the positive one. That combined with Andrew Pudewa's talk on boys and how they hear differently than girls has me rethinking some things. I know exactly how you feel, so I hope we can make some changes. ;) They are worth a look on the IEW or SCM site. Or, I can share more information here. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 :grouphug: I figure I say, "Clear your dishes" at least 1000 times per year, and have been saying it for last 4 years or so. You'd think that after hearing it an estimated 4000 times, they'd know to clear their dishes after a meal without my having to say anything. But, sadly, I still have to say it. They will get up and walk away from the table without clearing the dishes 8/10 times. :banghead: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MegP Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 For kids who are say, 9 and up, if it is something they should know to do by now because it is part of a daily routine, I would give a consequence for forgetting to do it. If my 11 year old "forgets" to take out the trash, I don't remind him-I give him a consequence. If my 13 year old DD "forgets" to clean the kitchen after she makes herself lunch, she gets a consequence. They are never going to take ownership and do what THEY KNOW TO DO if you keep nagging. At what point would they be motivated to take responsibility and remember on their own if you are always telling them/reminding them/nagging them to do it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stellalarella Posted June 17, 2012 Author Share Posted June 17, 2012 I have also read some about Charlotte Mason's admonition against nagging. Wise advice. I'm agreed about the hazards of nagging. :001_smile: It would be nice to hear from someone who once greatly struggled with this habit of nagging and has overcome it. A tall glass of hope would be a welcome drink right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stellalarella Posted June 17, 2012 Author Share Posted June 17, 2012 (edited) I know someone who has 10 children that has worked out a solution to this problem. She makes a chart for each of her children, and they have to mark off each thing. She is pretty specific on the chart, she has things like brush teeth, change underwear, make bed etc.etc.etc. They are displayed prominently on the lounge-room wall. My children were so mortified to see that her 17 year old son had to mark off every day that he had clean underwear on and had brushed his teeth, that they have begged me to never make charts like that. So My friends charts have helped her not be a stuck record and helped me not be one as well, just the merest hint that I might need to make charts like that have kept me from ever needing to nag. :eek: about the bolded! OH, man. I don't think I'll sign up for any chore chart software. I'd rather that the responsibility to do chores and PERSONAL HYGIENE :eek: was deeply, deeply internalized. KWIM? Honestly, the older three children could each write an essay about their hygiene, chores and general household expectations. The younger ones could all articulate it theatrically on stage. Edited June 17, 2012 by Andrea Lowry reararange sentence Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 I hear you. I'd love some ideas too. My worst offender is my 9yo; my 7yo actually doesn't need to be told 100 times what to do. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stellalarella Posted June 17, 2012 Author Share Posted June 17, 2012 WEll, I guess if I know what I need to do, then I just need to do it. One day at a time. Having some accountability would be helpful. So perhaps someone can write me tomorrow to ask how today went? YOu know, nag me about it over and over.....just kidding. :001_smile: Accountability is nice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2hunangirls Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 I think consequences are my biggest problem. If mine forget to do chores assigning them more doesn't seem to work.....or it becomes a headache for me to keep track of and/or check. And I don't mean just annoying to keep up with, but a major ordeal to come up with a task, allow time to do it and then remember to go verify it was done, likely I'll have to have it redone, wait, remember to check that it's done..... Am I the only one with this problem??? I apparently don't give enough because there isn't much I can take away. I always expected/planned on being the one who would just tell them what to do and they would, but certainly if I assigned more they would get right in line! I didn't expect my "or what?" child. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I.Dup. Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 I think when we remind them so much, it subconsciously ingrains in them that they can just wait until we tell them to do XYZ. If we do not remind, and just immediately impose consequences for work not done, it will be much more effective. That is when the habit forms on its own, coming from their own motivation rather than our constant reminders. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MegP Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 You don't have to give more chores as a consequence. You could take away free time, have the child sit in a chair and do nothing, you could have the child write lines, or lose TV or video games, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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