amyx4 Posted May 29, 2012 Share Posted May 29, 2012 A friend lost her baby and delivered a stillborn at 39 weeks. She has family support right now. I'll travel 3 hrs. to her for the service. What could I do, buy, send, that would help? I know what not to say but is there anything I should say? Any suggestions for her husband and preschooler would also be welcome. Thanks for all your suggestions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erica in OR Posted May 29, 2012 Share Posted May 29, 2012 A very good friend in our church went through something similar. One piece of advice that was shared by an older church member who had her own loss (an older child murdered) was to not be afraid to talk about the baby now or in the future. People thought that it would help to not talk about it, as it would remind the parents of the loss, but they said they're thinking about it constantly anyway and it was just as hurtful to have the situation treated as if he or she never existed at all. People dropped off a lot of food for the family early on (almost too much for their small family to eat), but would also appreciate things done for them months down the road. The anniversary a year later is also a time to reach out to let them know you're there for support. Erica in OR Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speedmom4 Posted May 29, 2012 Share Posted May 29, 2012 (edited) I found some beautiful (inexpensive) jewelry online for women who have lost babies. They were symbolic and very nice they had nice cards that came with them. Also maybe a stone that could be put in their yard or garden as a memorial for the baby? My father recently passed away and people sent lots of food. It was very nice because my mother didn't want to have to worry about feeding people who were coming from out of town for the memorial. The Honey Baked Ham and side items was a big hit. It's very hard to know what to do but I think being their for your friend is what she needs right now. It's wonderful that you are so caring and looking for ways to comfort her. God BLess, Elise in NC Edited May 29, 2012 by speedmom4 typo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pfamilygal Posted May 29, 2012 Share Posted May 29, 2012 Remember the baby. Ask her about the baby by name. Weeks from now, months from now. And remember the child's birthday. Say "I'm sorry" and "I'm hear to listen." Don't ask what you can do. Just do something. Show up and do laundry or clean the kitchen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FloridaLisa Posted May 29, 2012 Share Posted May 29, 2012 Calendar it to call her in a few weeks and months when the activity has died down but she still needs a long-distance hug and listening ear. Tell her you love her. Ask her how she's doing, really. Let her talk. If you pray, you might send a card letting her know that you are praying for her on a particular day of the week for the next year. Circle the date of baby's death on your calendar and call/text/fb/send a card to her on the monthly anniversaries. Lisa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kari C in SC Posted May 29, 2012 Share Posted May 29, 2012 A very good friend in our church went through something similar. One piece of advice that was shared by an older church member who had her own loss (an older child murdered) was to not be afraid to talk about the baby now or in the future. People thought that it would help to not talk about it, as it would remind the parents of the loss, but they said they're thinking about it constantly anyway and it was just as hurtful to have the situation treated as if he or she never existed at all. People dropped off a lot of food for the family early on (almost too much for their small family to eat), but would also appreciate things done for them months down the road. The anniversary a year later is also a time to reach out to let them know you're there for support. Erica in OR :iagree: Everything she said is good. Say this child's name. When you lose your child, you have time when you think that nobody knows they existed. You just need to know they were here and they mattered. Say their name and acknowledge they were indeed real. Especially, for a stillborn. And - send a gift card for food later if you are out of town. I am sitting here 2 years later after the death of my son and having one of the hardest weeks ever. I can go weeks and feel like everything will be fine and then WHAM - I am a wreck. In the beginning - you are just numb and while food helps - you simply do not care. It is later when you really need some help with stuff. I am so sorry for your friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jpoy85 Posted May 29, 2012 Share Posted May 29, 2012 My biggest advice is to talk about the baby. It hurts to know no one cares or remembers. Whether thats right now, 3am or next year. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Butter Posted May 29, 2012 Share Posted May 29, 2012 My best friend has a stillbirth a few years ago. We talk about the baby still sometimes (by name). I make sure to remember both her due date and her birth/death date. I sent her a tree on the first anniversary. I sent a card for a couple years after that. Just acknowledging the baby lived, even if not outside the womb, is very important. Most people give about 3-6 months for the grieving process, but it can take much longer. Be patient. And always be willing to lend an ear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 My brother and SIL have a baby who was stillborn, and I think it means a lot to them when we mention her by name, when we don't forget that she is forever missing from our family gatherings. I try to make a point to let them know we're thinking of them on her birthday, and that we light a candle in her memory on October 15, and though nothing can ever ease their pain, they seem to appreciate when we acknowledge her. If you can handle listening to them talk, they might appreciate that, and they may want to show pictures of their baby. (I saw a few pics of my niece, and they weren't gory, if you're concerned about that.) This is a good book, if it might help them at all to know that they are not alone: http://www.amazon.com/They-Were-Still-Born-Stillbirth/dp/1442204125/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1338351107&sr=8-1 Also, if they have another baby later, they may choose to handle the pregnancy very differently; they may want more monitoring, tests, early induction, etc., and if that's not your thing, it may be hard to bite your tongue (it was for me). But do; whatever peace of mind tests and all can bring them is important, and it's not quite something we can understand if we haven't btdt ourselves. (Even having it be my niece was still different from if it had been my child.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 Calendar it to call her in a few weeks and months when the activity has died down but she still needs a long-distance hug and listening ear. Circle the date of baby's death on your calendar and call/text/fb/send a card to her on the monthly anniversaries. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 (edited) Say you will miss the baby too. Acknowledge that they lost the baby of their dreams. Call the baby by name not just 'the baby'. Remember that the baby had an entire future planned in the parents heads, and now all of that is gone. A parent thinks not only about the new born they lost, but also the 2yo, and then the child learning to read, and then the child learning to drive....ect. The parents will be mourning the loss of not only the child today, but the child they would have become in the future. Do not try to find a way to make her feel better. Console, love, and tend to the mother, but don't try to make things 'better'. It won't work and it just often comes across as inconsiderate, hollow statements. I also agree with another poster to realize that the parents are Always thinking of the baby, so don't be afraid to talk about her. :grouphug::grouphug: Also, one other thought....remember that the mother is also going through all the recovery from delivery. The hormone changes, the discomfort, the bleeding, the milk let down.....all of the instincts that we have to take care of a baby, and no one to care for. It is very hard physically for the body to heal when a person is so sad, allow some extra grace on the healing process. Edited May 30, 2012 by Tap, tap, tap Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newlifemom Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 :iagree: With everyone. So sorry for your friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jpoy85 Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 Also, one other thought....remember that the mother is also going through all the recovery from delivery. The hormone changes, the discomfort, the bleeding, the milk let down.....all of the instincts that we have to take care of a baby, and no one to care for. It is very hard physically for the body to heal when a person is so sad, allow some extra grace on the healing process. A gift idea would be a Build A Bear for her hold in the above times. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duckabell Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 I had a friend go through a similar situation more than a year ago, and asked a similar question on this board. One suggestion was to bring paper products and snacky foods that would make their life easier for a few days so their kids could just grab a simple snack from the fridge and they would not have to worry about shopping for those items or doing the dishes. They already had meals coming in and so I thought that was a good suggestion and it was one way I felt that I could help them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 One of my older daughters had two late losses and dd13's tutor had a 40 wk loss. :iagree: with everything written here. I know that with my dd, it is important to remember dates, and the fact that she is always grieving. The jewelry was important to my dd and then she had rings made for me and her mil. DD13's tutor was at lunch with me when i was wearing the ring and she had a million questions about it as she was deciding whether or not to order one. I am so sorry for your friend's loss.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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