Mandylubug Posted May 20, 2012 Share Posted May 20, 2012 When you arrange for a kid free date, what times are your "normal" requested date times and how long does it take you to go out and eat a nice dinner before showing back up to grab your kids? I know of a couple that seems to have no consideration of the grandparents. They will drop their kids off at 8pm, starving with NO dinner and claim they will be back "soon" but not get back till midnight. The grandparents naturally will start cooking for the kids at an hour that they are typically getting ready to go to bed. They never tell the couple that they should be back by a certain time and never complain if they are too late, etc. Then the couple comes back all happy, claiming they just went out to eat. Four hours for a meal?! I am always so considerate of whom I ask and the times I ask. Mind you I have four kids instead of just two and I feel like my kids are more work than just two so I try to be considerate and plan accordingly. I would also feel horrible asking someone to watch them so late in the evening and stay out so late compared to the grandparents typical bedtime. The grandparents won't say no, ever. I feel they take advantage of the situation and it makes me so sad and even more so mad at the couple. If it wasn't family, I would comment but this particular couple, one family member would cause such a dramatic scene that the grandparents would be more exhausted from putting out the flames from my words of disgust that I would feel even more badly. So, when you plan a kid free date with the husband and you have family to help out for free, do you try to consider their bedtime habits? Do you feel guilty asking them to stay up later than they prefer on a regular basis? ETA: I ask honestly because it makes me wonder what if I am over thinking the situation? I am a people pleaser, I will admit that but I think there is a lot to say about consideration and respect. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gentlemommy Posted May 20, 2012 Share Posted May 20, 2012 I feel the same way as you do. We have three kids, one being a VERY ACTIVE toddler, so I feel bad leaving them all with the grandparents lol. Generally I'll split them up, let the older two go with my in laws and the toddler go with my mom. I am pretty good about staying under the three hour mark. Generally dh and I go somewhere close to eat,then we grab coffee and walk and talk. I am usually home by ten, at the latest. Even that is rare. If anything, the grandparents beg for us to go out MORE, because it is not often enough.:tongue_smilie:I'm just not wanting to leave the kids all that often, maybe once every other month? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JenC3 Posted May 20, 2012 Share Posted May 20, 2012 You mean you actually get FREE babysitting? JK. I have to pay for my dates, but we typically only go out from 6-9 anyway. My il's have watched the kids like twice and I think it was an afternoon date. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted May 20, 2012 Share Posted May 20, 2012 I leave my kids with my mom frequently. I try to be considerate, and not take advantage. I either make sure they've eaten, or that I send food along, or give them all money to buy a pizza or something. My sister lives with us, so she'll often volunteer to let me or us do something without the kids. I usually bring her back something (food, scrapbooking item, etc.), and try not to take advantage of her, either. It would bother me if a family member were taking advantage of the grandparents, but it wouldn't be my place to say anything- no matter how much I might want to! :tongue_smilie: It's up to the grandparents to just say no if it's too much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandylubug Posted May 20, 2012 Author Share Posted May 20, 2012 You mean you actually get FREE babysitting? JK. I have to pay for my dates, but we typically only go out from 6-9 anyway. My il's have watched the kids like twice and I think it was an afternoon date. haha, if we could afford a GOOD babysitter/teenager that was responsible and wouldn't allow my four to destroy my house I would pay it. My four can go through our house like a tornado if one doesn't keep them in check.. and so far my experience has been a teenager isn't experienced enough to handle my four without the house suffering.. I am just not willing to clean up after a date. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandylubug Posted May 20, 2012 Author Share Posted May 20, 2012 I leave my kids with my mom frequently. I try to be considerate, and not take advantage. I either make sure they've eaten, or that I send food along, or give them all money to buy a pizza or something. My sister lives with us, so she'll often volunteer to let me or us do something without the kids. I usually bring her back something (food, scrapbooking item, etc.), and try not to take advantage of her, either. It would bother me if a family member were taking advantage of the grandparents, but it wouldn't be my place to say anything- no matter how much I might want to! :tongue_smilie: It's up to the grandparents to just say no if it's too much. this is what my husband tells me, too. :glare: I would just love to give them a good ole high five, in the face, with a chair! but I suppose it isn't my place LOL :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted May 20, 2012 Share Posted May 20, 2012 this is what my husband tells me, too. :glare: I would just love to give them a good ole high five, in the face, with a chair! but I suppose it isn't my place LOL :lol: I have several people I would like to do this to, as well! :lol::lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nova147 Posted May 20, 2012 Share Posted May 20, 2012 Before our littlest was born, we my in laws would occasionally watch the kids for a few hours while we went out. Usually they would come over around 5 and we would try to be home by 7. The kids go to bed at 8. Often, however, my in laws like to keep them overnight at their house, so we don't have to worry about when we come back! With a nursing baby, we don't usually go out alone. If I do leave the baby, it's only for an hour, maybe an hour and a half. And I wouldn't do it in the evening because he is so much fussier then. I agree it's really important to especially respectful of free babysitters! I try to respect all of our babysitters, of course, but I don't feel as bad when I ask a paid babysitter to stay an extra hour (with extra pay, of course). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissad2 Posted May 20, 2012 Share Posted May 20, 2012 I have no idea...I haven't been on a date without my kids in ages! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandylubug Posted May 20, 2012 Author Share Posted May 20, 2012 Yeah dates are rare around here too. For one I only have my dad as a sitter and he doesn't live nearby. For another, I don't really mind going out with the kids. If it were just DH and me we would probably just go out to dinner and putter around the book store. we take ours out as well. They pout when they don't get to go eat at a "nice restaurant" when we do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheres Toto Posted May 20, 2012 Share Posted May 20, 2012 Whether it's taking advantage or not would depend on how often it's happening. Is it a few times a year for a special occasion? every month? every week? We have my oldest around to babysit when she's available (which isn't often). Those times we may go out to a nice dinner or to a quick dinner and a movie. We'll be gone about 3 to 4 hours. For special occasions (birthdays, anniversary) we'll have my mother babysit, usually at her house but sometimes at our house. In either case, the kids most likely will not be asleep when we get there, regardless of what time it is. If we are doing something that will go late, they may sleep over. If we are out for a nice dinner for a special occasion, we could be gone for 3 or 4 hours depending on where we go. Dh likes to have a nice relaxed dinner and will usually ask the waitress to not put our meal order in right away so we can finish soup/appetizers before getting salad, then be finished with salad with a few minutes before the meal comes. Then if we have dessert, that takes longer. One of our regular restaurants is about 30 minutes from my mothers house, so we're talking about an hour added to the meal time for travel. We don't take the younger kids out to restaurants very often. They have a hard time sitting still and ds is a very picky eater so most restaurants don't have much he will eat. My kids are the type that cause restaurants to have "no children" policies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tristangrace Posted May 20, 2012 Share Posted May 20, 2012 We're very fortunate, because our in-laws often invite our (three) kids to their house for a sleepover. And so, unless my husband is on a business trip, we just plan a date night for that night--no curfew. Other than that, we don't go out without kids except for specific events, which tend to come with specific time-frames built in, and so we just arrange it that way with a sitter ahead of time. If I did go out for a dinner date, and the grandparents were babysitting at their house (rather than ours), I wouldn't be out late because I don't like to keep the kids up too late. So, we'd slant it early--maybe 5:45 to 8:00 pm? I would probably allow two hours or more. Things don't usually take quite that long, but if it's a nice restaurant we'd need to factor in either finding parking or public transport (both of which take a while) and then waiting for a table (we usually don't think ahead for reservations!) and I'd rather have a leisurely meal than rush to meet my own deadline. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Runningmom80 Posted May 20, 2012 Share Posted May 20, 2012 (edited) My in laws babysit once a month, and usually get here around 8, my twins are fed and ready for bed, they let my older ds stay up because they genuinely enjoy his company, and don't want him to go to bed. :lol:We usually get home around midnight. We do dinner and drinks usually. It can definitely take 4 hours, think 1/2 hr drive each way, 30-40 min wait (if no reservation) 1 hr for dinner, and the we go out for a nightcap. ;) Now I feel like a moron, I had no idea it was so rude. :-/ They don't seem to mind though.... ETA: my in laws are in their 50's and my FIL plays in a band so hes used to being out late. maybe we aren't the norm. Edited May 21, 2012 by Runningmom80 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
acablue Posted May 20, 2012 Share Posted May 20, 2012 We're lucky that one of my stepkids is usually willing to babysit for us. They sleep over here and don't mind staying up late (we supply the movies and junk food). We can easily be gone for 4-5 hours on a Friday or Saturday night. SO's parents are older and aren't up to watching all three kids at the same time, so we only ask them to babysit if one or two of the kids have an activity. In that case, we're gone for about 2 hours and get back before 8:30pm. I think keeping the grandparents up that late is rude, but whether it's taking advantage of them or not depends on how old/ capable the grandparents are. If they're younger and still have enough energy, they might be enjoying the time with their grandkids enough that it makes up for the inconvenience. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 Obviously the inlaws don't mind or they would say something to the family about it. I would guess that in the future the grandparents should expect hungry kids, and have a meal prepared. I would expect to put the kids to bed at a reasonable time (on floor mats if necessary) and just get up when the parents get home. If the grandparents don't like the situation as is, they should be the ones to change it. If they are complaining about it to you (assuming you are not the adult you are talking about), then tell them to speak up or change their expectations. Maybe the grandparents should just go pick up the kids at 5pm and keep them overnight. Then they can take them back the next day when it is convenient for them to do so. A 4 hour dinner is pretty easy to do if you include travel time an a drink or two/music in the lounge etc. No, this is not how we would treat our family, but all families are different, so it may not be a big deal to them. Our regular dinner time is around 8pm in the summer, so that isn't a big shock to me either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 Sometimes you feed your kids. And they don't eat. And you can't force feed them and fussing at them only makes them eat two bites. And then two hours later, they're starving and cranky. Just saying. We don't have family nearby to babysit. We either send the kids for a sleepover with friends, in which case, the date starts and ends whenever we want. :D Or we hire a sitter and are usually out for the duration of dinner and theater tickets (dh is a total theater nut) - generally 6ish to 11ish. Or sometimes we skip dinner out, eat with the kids and then just do theater and dessert out, which can also be fun. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2squared Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 haha, if we could afford a GOOD babysitter/teenager that was responsible and wouldn't allow my four to destroy my house I would pay it. My four can go through our house like a tornado if one doesn't keep them in check.. and so far my experience has been a teenager isn't experienced enough to handle my four without the house suffering.. I am just not willing to clean up after a date. Once we hit four dc, we needed two babysitters. One just couldn't handle the crowd, and I don't blame them. It's a lot to manage. We've been lucky with finding sisters - twins no less - to babysit for us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AdventureMoms Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 We rarely have free sitting because my family lives out of town, but when they do come and give us a date night we're usually gone about 4 hours. We usually do dates in the afternoon, so the twins are asleep for most of it, and hanging with just DD is fun for the grandparents and not that hard. Then the boys wake up and play for awhile and they feed them dinner, and we get home to help with bedtime. They've done evenings before too, but bedtime is hard, even with two adults. If I have a paid sitter it's a similar length of time. Dinner is usually pretty quick for us (we don't really do drinks or desserts, and we're usually eating during quiet times of the day, so we get in and out quick). But after we'll go putter around a bookstore or the mall and chat or go for a walk somewhere. I do think my SIL tends to take advantage - her mom babysits her kids a LOT, often for long hours. But I don't get involved in that, either. They can manage their own relationship, and if MIL prefers to get passive-aggressive and snippy instead of actually talking to her kid about the problem, that really is not something I can fix. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandylubug Posted May 21, 2012 Author Share Posted May 21, 2012 I should clarify and say this is typically a weekly thing for this couple. They work normal jobs and have the ability to go out earlier but chose to stay in all day and be lazy. They even made the whoops, we forgot to feed him dinner tonight, sorry comment.. It is obvious that it bothers the grandparents by their body language and comments without them coming straight out and stating it. This couple had already came and ate so many meals with the grandparents that they had to put a stop to it or ask them to provide their own groceries because it was ridiculous what they were spending. So, there is already the experience of inconsideration in other areas not babysitting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 I'm like you. I don't want to put out my mom more than need be. So we go out early, and come right back. Or do lunch or brunch instead. My sister on the other hand asks my mom to drive hours to her hosue to stay for days, so that she won't have to miss work when my niece is sick. Oh, and my mom has only partial lung capacity and really shouldn't be around sick people. GRR. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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